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(Fark)   Left the lights in my car on last night, killed the battery. How have you been an idiot today?   (fark.com) divider line 58
    More: Dumbass  
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2655 clicks; posted to Main » on 21 May 2012 at 9:17 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2012-05-21 09:23:24 AM  
12 votes:
I sat bare assed in a chair with wooden slats for a seat....
2012-05-21 08:20:11 AM  
7 votes:
Not today...Saturday.

I went to the local hardware store somewhat hungover. As I approached the register, the young girl working it asked if I wanted to play catch.

I thought she was coming on to me or something...maybe she missed her dad...I was sort of confused. She gave me my change and I told her I'd be back in an hour after I fixed my faucet.

It took someone else to point out she had asked "do you want to pay cash"?
2012-05-21 09:38:24 AM  
6 votes:
Had explosive diarrhea, and sprinted to the toilet, put down the seat, and shiat fire. Accidentally put down the lid in my haste, and when i sat down shiat sprayed all over the walls and shower curtain.
2012-05-21 07:55:56 AM  
6 votes:
You know how they say not to eat those little desiccant packs?
2012-05-21 10:11:03 AM  
4 votes:
I trusted a fart............excuse me while I change
2012-05-21 08:12:21 AM  
4 votes:
Got up in the wee hours of the morning and changed the baby's diaper and brought her into bed with me. Being half asleep still, I didn't fasten it properly, so at 5 this morning, I woke up in a puddle of piss.
2012-05-21 07:59:01 AM  
4 votes:
It's a little early yet. I don't go fullblown moron 'til around noon.
2012-05-21 12:31:58 PM  
3 votes:

canavar: sliced off the knuckle skin on my left pointer finger 20 minutes before lunch service started...found the piece i sliced off stuck to the knife i was using...bleeding down my hand, i gave the knife to the dishwasher 'wash this and put it back on my board'...went to the doc, got bandaged up, returned to the kitchen...my knife is on my board, wet from washing....look at it, my piece of finger is still stuck to it, suctioned there.

tomorrow I'm looking for a new dishwasher.


Who doesn't like finger food?
2012-05-21 11:21:58 AM  
3 votes:
I was supposed to check the force field securing Galactus. I usually just put my initials on the clipboard saying I checked the power levers and backup generator but even that was too much effort. Instead, I posted something on Fark and went down to Accounting to see if Mindy is wearing that short skirt.

So what if Galactus gets loose and has to eat?
2012-05-21 08:24:21 AM  
3 votes:
I woke up. I knew I shouldn't have done that.
2012-05-21 08:22:25 AM  
3 votes:
I greenlighted a random, inconsequential TFD thread.
2012-05-21 03:19:16 PM  
2 votes:

peridotpaiute: WarszawaScream: Wasn't today, but: Sat was my birthday.

Mine too! I celebrated by having a dumb fight with my boyfriend. Hey guys, when it's your GF's birthday and she wants a little play, don't tell her she has pine cone legs when she attempts to rub them against you all sexy like.


Ouch.
Was also my birthday, so I made this:

i.imgur.com
2012-05-21 12:43:05 PM  
2 votes:

canavar: sliced off the knuckle skin on my left pointer finger 20 minutes before lunch service started...found the piece i sliced off stuck to the knife i was using...bleeding down my hand, i gave the knife to the dishwasher 'wash this and put it back on my board'...went to the doc, got bandaged up, returned to the kitchen...my knife is on my board, wet from washing....look at it, my piece of finger is still stuck to it, suctioned there.

tomorrow I'm looking for a new dishwasher.


do you work at Arby's?
2012-05-21 11:52:13 AM  
2 votes:
Not apologizing for calling my mother in law "a sour old biatch".
2012-05-21 11:03:30 AM  
2 votes:
I left my iPhone in my pants when I washed them last night. Does that count?
2012-05-21 10:47:05 AM  
2 votes:
I spent about 2 months mindlessly pouring liquid Downy into the washing machine instead of detergent. GF caught me... Never realized she could cackle like the Wicked Witch of the West...
2012-05-21 10:22:11 AM  
2 votes:
I'm wearing an all-black suit and shirt with black wingtips and sunglasses, with a bright orange tie. It was for a job interview, and that job interview was neither "funeral home director" nor "devil incarnate".
2012-05-21 09:47:45 AM  
2 votes:

Dick Gozinya: I sat bare assed in a chair with wooden slats for a seat....


That could turn into a conundrum.
2012-05-21 09:34:15 AM  
2 votes:

aerojockey: I used my kids' college money to buy Facebook stock, thinking it'd increase in value four-fold overnight or something like that.

/not really


I told the guys on my hockey team that I had rolled over my entire 401k into Facebook stock.

Then came the sad realization that their opinion of me is so low that they thought I was serious and started advising me that this was not a good idea.
2012-05-21 09:31:51 AM  
2 votes:
Clicked on a link that really should've have stayed behind the sanitary barrier of Total Fark.
2012-05-21 09:29:22 AM  
2 votes:
I didn't take a shiat before i left my house and now I have to take a shiat and I can't shiat at work.
2012-05-21 09:20:19 AM  
2 votes:
Yup, went out to check the car windows when it started raining, drivers side was up, went back into the house. Passenger side open all the way. Soaked seat ensued. Wife rode to work in the back
2012-05-21 09:19:59 AM  
2 votes:
I logged into Fark.
2012-05-21 08:49:07 AM  
2 votes:

JackAssHole: Not today, but yesterday. Managed to hack my leg with a reciprocating saw (saws-all).


A real man would have used a staple gun to suture that...
2012-05-21 08:10:49 AM  
2 votes:
I haven't been one yet. It will happen. I guarantee it. Like Men's Warehouse guarantee.
2012-05-21 02:16:33 PM  
1 votes:
You know how they say not to piss off you wife for no reason?
2012-05-21 02:10:04 PM  
1 votes:

WarszawaScream: Wasn't today, but: Sat was my birthday.


Mine too! I celebrated by having a dumb fight with my boyfriend. Hey guys, when it's your GF's birthday and she wants a little play, don't tell her she has pine cone legs when she attempts to rub them against you all sexy like.
2012-05-21 01:28:09 PM  
1 votes:

Galileo's Daughter: dittybopper: I woke up on time and schlepped my ass into work like a good little boy.

Bad bit in the bit bucket: I logged into Fark.

I've done both of these today.


I clearly won't be topping off my morning with Breakfast at Milliways.
2012-05-21 01:23:32 PM  
1 votes:

dittybopper: I woke up on time and schlepped my ass into work like a good little boy.


Bad bit in the bit bucket: I logged into Fark.


I've done both of these today.
2012-05-21 01:01:52 PM  
1 votes:
I made a frog croak.... Well I actually stepped on him by accident, but he definiitely croaked. Isn't moving a lick.
2012-05-21 12:16:40 PM  
1 votes:
My drunk arse has already dont that twice THIS YEAR.

Never ran out of gas though. Or locked my keys in the car.

/knocks on ALL of the wood
2012-05-21 11:48:08 AM  
1 votes:

kiwimoogle84: I tripped over the cat and tumbled halfway down the stairs this morning. Darned cat.


Yeah, yeah, but is the kitty okay?
2012-05-21 11:37:06 AM  
1 votes:
Friday night, I answered honestly when my wife asked "Does this make me look fat?"

/no nookie for me this week
2012-05-21 10:59:57 AM  
1 votes:

PizzaJedi81: litespeed74: Nothing today but last Friday I got on the wrong plane at the airport.

Huh...how'd that happen?


Got to my gate a few hours early. Had headphones on, they called people to board. Unfortunately it was a flight before mine. The gate chick even let me through!
2012-05-21 10:56:22 AM  
1 votes:

DROxINxTHExWIND: Aar1012: My neighbor left his car lights on all night. I probably should have told him



THIS.

Got in pretty late though and I didn't want to knock on her door. I can just read the headlines. "Black guy with dreads attempts to force down door of woman in the wee hours. Shot Dead by police who immediately close the case".


At least she would have noticed her car lights were on since you obviously broke into her car and turned them on.
2012-05-21 10:50:54 AM  
1 votes:
I tripped over the cat and tumbled halfway down the stairs this morning. Darned cat.
2012-05-21 10:49:16 AM  
1 votes:

CoolBeans: JackAssHole: Not today, but yesterday. Managed to hack my leg with a reciprocating saw (saws-all).

A real man would have used a staple gun to suture that...


Staple gun? in my day we would of used rusty nails to close the wound.....
2012-05-21 10:47:20 AM  
1 votes:
Got in my car this morning and it wouldn't turn over. Thought it was dead, so I waited for wifey to return from running errands to give me a jump.Went to turn over car again and noticed I had left it in neutral...That's why it wouldn't turn over....

DOH!
2012-05-21 10:45:13 AM  
1 votes:

greenbowlpacker: Had explosive diarrhea, and sprinted to the toilet, put down the seat, and shiat fire. Accidentally put down the lid in my haste, and when i sat down shiat sprayed all over the walls and shower curtain.


i0.kym-cdn.com
2012-05-21 10:42:33 AM  
1 votes:
I ran over a large rock with the lawn mower and bent the blade into an unrecognizable shape.

The same rock I ran over last week.
2012-05-21 10:42:21 AM  
1 votes:

Aar1012: My neighbor left his car lights on all night. I probably should have told him



THIS.

Got in pretty late though and I didn't want to knock on her door. I can just read the headlines. "Black guy with dreads attempts to force down door of woman in the wee hours. Shot Dead by police who immediately close the case".
2012-05-21 10:25:49 AM  
1 votes:

greenbowlpacker: Had explosive diarrhea, and sprinted to the toilet, put down the seat, and shiat fire. Accidentally put down the lid in my haste, and when i sat down shiat sprayed all over the walls and shower curtain.


I LOLd
2012-05-21 10:09:41 AM  
1 votes:
Left the lights in my car on last night, killed the battery. How have you been an idiot today?

I loaded up fark
2012-05-21 09:57:44 AM  
1 votes:
Took the dog out this morning and locked myself out of my apartment. Had to call Security to get back in.
2012-05-21 09:49:00 AM  
1 votes:
I'm wearing a shirt with that XKCD circuit diagram on it.

And I forgot that it's annual review time.

Yeeehaw.
2012-05-21 09:47:24 AM  
1 votes:
Started reading the threads on the Fark politics page, thinking the Farkers might have finally come to their senses,
2012-05-21 09:40:52 AM  
1 votes:
I got an early call from work while I was getting ready. I forgot to shave the other half of my face.
2012-05-21 09:39:25 AM  
1 votes:

DGS: Subby, weren't you an idiot yesterday, not today?


No, when his car wouldn't start this morning he replaced the alternator before realizing what had happened.
2012-05-21 09:27:40 AM  
1 votes:
Webt Went

Strike two!
2012-05-21 09:20:42 AM  
1 votes:
I slammed a gram of blow and missed the vein on a few shots.

I wish I were lying
2012-05-21 09:18:05 AM  
1 votes:
I woke up on time and schlepped my ass into work like a good little boy.
2012-05-21 08:53:58 AM  
1 votes:

KingoftheCheese: Got up in the wee hours of the morning and changed the baby's diaper and brought her into bed with me. Being half asleep still, I didn't fasten it properly, so at 5 this morning, I woke up in a puddle of piss.


Well, there's your problem. Does the kid not have her own bed?
2012-05-21 08:49:28 AM  
1 votes:

JackAssHole: Al_Ed: JackAssHole: Not today, but yesterday. Managed to hack my leg with a reciprocating saw (saws-all).

That'll leave a mark.

That's almost exactly what I captioned the first pic when I posted it on facebook: "That's gonna leave a mark..."


Oh, I see you live in Severn. This explains things...

;)
2012-05-21 08:45:15 AM  
1 votes:

Al_Ed: JackAssHole: Not today, but yesterday. Managed to hack my leg with a reciprocating saw (saws-all).

That'll leave a mark.


That's almost exactly what I captioned the first pic when I posted it on facebook: "That's gonna leave a mark..."
2012-05-21 08:16:18 AM  
1 votes:
Overspent over the weekend and realized I'll be living on the cheap for this rest of the week. DOH!
2012-05-21 08:13:36 AM  
1 votes:
I don't want to sound like an idiot or anything but HURRRRRRRDUURRRRRR.
2012-05-21 08:10:30 AM  
1 votes:
You probably shouldn't just ask if someone actually does want to reschedule a 2nd date when they had to cancel twice but when there's uncertainty I talk to people to see what's going on. I'm fine either way, but I hate wasting concentration when it's simpler to ask.
2012-05-21 08:09:16 AM  
1 votes:
It's still early.......
 
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