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(Fox News)   In collaboration with Dr. Zaius, chimp makes elaborate plots to attack humans   (foxnews.com) divider line 47
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3548 clicks; posted to Main » on 10 May 2012 at 10:28 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-05-10 04:47:43 PM
30.media.tumblr.com
 
2012-05-10 04:54:42 PM
THEY FINALLY MADE A MONKEY OUTTA MEEEE
 
2012-05-10 05:10:15 PM
After observing the chimp for days, the scientists also suspect that Santino just also "finds it fun" to bug humans. He even appears to target certain people that perhaps really get on his nerves.

Who can't relate to this?
 
2012-05-10 06:31:03 PM
"Yes, yes, let the hate flow through you...."
aka.media.entertainment.sky.com
 
2012-05-10 06:32:10 PM
The full article, "Spontaneous Innovation for Future Deception in a Male Chimpanzee", is here.

I plan for hours, and make my own haystacks as hiding places for my rocks. I even do the slow walk towards the visitors without showing any aggression, then go all rock-throwy at close range:

"When the group returned, 190 minutes later, the male made no aggressive displays. Instead he walked from the centre of the compound island toward the group, with two concrete projectiles in his hand. To the guide, his appearance did not suggest intentions of throwing. The chimpanzee even stopped and picked up an apple floating in the water from which he took a bite as he continued approaching the visitors. Just within range, he made a sudden throw at the group."

The apple bite is my 'signature move'.

"When the group left, the chimpanzee were observed being active in the area of one of the logs, thereafter he brought a melon-sized heap of hay from the inside enclosure (see Figure 2). This was placed on the island, close (8 metres) to the visitors' area. Subsequently he put an unknown number of projectiles under the hay that were carried in his hand. When the group returned to the compound 60 minutes later, the chimpanzee sat beside the hay. As the group approached, without preceding display, he threw a projectile stored under the heap. Shortly after, the chimpanzee positioned himself behind the log close to another part of the visitors' area (7 metres). When the group moved into this area, he threw two stored projectiles from behind the log. No display preceded the throws. When the group left the compound again the chimpanzee was observed to cache two more projectiles under the hay pile. These were thrown, with no preceding display, 20 minutes later when the group returned to the compound."

Zoo visitors better recognize.
 
2012-05-10 10:29:33 PM
And so it begins.
 
2012-05-10 10:33:40 PM
I hate every chimp I see
From chimpan-a
To chimpan-zee


/OK, I think that's been covered.
 
2012-05-10 10:34:23 PM
Can he play the piano anymore?
 
2012-05-10 10:35:04 PM
"Everybody loves chimpanzees because they're so cute and all, but when you do the research, you find that chimpanzees are terrifying. They actually murder each other." ~ Tim Burton
 
2012-05-10 10:35:24 PM
I remember some Farker said in either a chimp or dolphin thread is that the reason Chimps, Dolphins, and Humans seem to get along so well is because we're all dicks.
 
2012-05-10 10:35:46 PM
theforbidden-zone.com
 
2012-05-10 10:36:55 PM
Just to make sure it's playing in your head...
www.80smusiclyrics.com
 
2012-05-10 10:38:37 PM
That f*cker's gonna kill someone. Mark my monkey words.
 
2012-05-10 10:39:45 PM

StoPPeRmobile: Just to make sure it's playing in your head...
[www.80smusiclyrics.com image 365x292]


It's the one song I don't mind playing in my head.

oh oh oh Dr. Zaius
 
2012-05-10 10:40:43 PM
27.media.tumblr.com

Coelacanth: "Everybody loves chimpanzees because they're so cute and all, but when you do the research, you find that chimpanzees are terrifying. They actually murder each other." ~ Tim Burton


29.media.tumblr.com
 
2012-05-10 10:43:49 PM
Kill him now before he infects the others.
Maybe it's too late, extinguish them all in the compound, and never say anything to any apes anywhere about this atrocity for they will gather and attack us all.
 
2012-05-10 10:44:25 PM
Also, were we planning to Uplift Chimps, this guy would be a major candidate. Just, you know, breed him with a bonobo to tone down the violence.
 
2012-05-10 10:45:36 PM
Nope, no way we evolved from these guys, nope not at all...
 
2012-05-10 10:51:24 PM
tildology.com
 
2012-05-10 10:54:45 PM

Free Radical: Nope, no way we evolved from these guys, nope not at all...


Actually, I believe that is the current consensus... that Humans and Chimps diverged long, long ago from a common ancestor, so, no we didn't evolve from those guys.
 
2012-05-10 10:55:18 PM
THIS JUST IN:

Has Red Butt.

27.media.tumblr.com
 
2012-05-10 10:55:53 PM

Free Radical: Nope, no way we evolved from these guys, nope not at all...


We didn't evolve from them, but we shared an ancestor.

Also, see bonobos. They look like small chimps but have totally different temperament from chimps. I think they're also one of the very few species that performs oral sex.
 
2012-05-10 10:58:12 PM
Santino

4.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-05-10 10:58:28 PM

Free Radical: Nope, no way we evolved from these guys, nope not at all...


In the 6000 to perhaps 10,000 years of Earths history, anything's possible.

FTA

This comes very close to what is known as "theory of mind," which is the ability to attribute mental states to oneself and others, and to understand that others have thoughts, desires and more that are different from one's own. Empathy, deception (as for Santino) and other qualities usually only reserved for humans can be linked to this process.


30.media.tumblr.com

"It's imperetive that we keep a lid on these developements."
 
2012-05-10 10:58:36 PM

Rufus Lee King: [threeheadedblog.files.wordpress.com image 500x317]


Came in for this.
 
2012-05-10 10:59:34 PM

chimp_ninja: Zoo visitors better recognize.


Chimpin' ain't easy.
 
2012-05-10 11:01:17 PM

Raw_fishFood: Also, were we planning to Uplift Chimps, this guy would be a major candidate. Just, you know, breed him with a bonobo to tone down the violence.


Nope, you just end up with a violent chimp that's into butt sex.
 
2012-05-10 11:01:57 PM
 
2012-05-10 11:03:48 PM
I'm no animal rights nut, but this dude clearly understands his situation pretty well and absolutely hates it. Something should be done for him.
 
2012-05-10 11:13:07 PM
When he starts packin' Hay/poop balls, call me.

They're actually more dangerous when they break out and go to hand-to-hand combat
 
2012-05-10 11:13:46 PM

Rufus Lee King: [www.misterkitty.org image 500x315]

[www.misterkitty.org image 400x406]


Holy crap, so THAT'S the origin of this "Welcome To Fark" macro:

i881.photobucket.com

/If everyone else knew this before me... then pic is for me.
 
2012-05-10 11:24:33 PM
I'm the king of the swingers, oh, the jungle V.I.P.
I've reached the top, and had to stop, and that's what's botherin' me.

I wanna be a man, man-cub, and stroll right into town,
And be just like the other men, I'm tired of monkeying around.
 
2012-05-10 11:37:59 PM

malaktaus: I'm no animal rights nut, but this dude clearly understands his situation pretty well and absolutely hates it. Something should be done for him.


They should give him weed to smoke.

i.ytimg.com
 
2012-05-10 11:42:16 PM
No doubt also a master of the Japanese martial art, Fling Poo.
 
2012-05-10 11:47:00 PM
i50.tinypic.com
 
2012-05-11 12:13:55 AM
FTFA:
"What makes this a bit special is that he actually had not experienced before what he seemed to anticipate," Osvath added. "He, in a sense, produced a future outcome instead of just preparing for a scenario that had previously been re-occurring reliably."

Now I'm no behaviour nor primate specialist but this quote is total bullshiat. The chimp completely prepared for a scenario that had been re-occurring reliably -- that of people "invading" his territory and pissing him off. People show up, he gets mad, he throws things, and they eventually leave. Rinse and repeat. He has associated throwing rocks at the invaders with them leaving. So now he is preparing ahead of time because these invaders keep showing up and don't leave until he throws things at them thus chasing them away.
 
2012-05-11 12:29:56 AM

Nuff Said McFarky: Rufus Lee King: [www.misterkitty.org image 500x315]

[www.misterkitty.org image 400x406]

Holy crap, so THAT'S the origin of this "Welcome To Fark" macro:

[i881.photobucket.com image 354x326]

/If everyone else knew this before me... then pic is for me.


This is the greatest thing I've seen on FARK this week, IMHO
 
2012-05-11 12:59:12 AM
So, Fox News now cites Cracked as a source?
 
2012-05-11 01:10:59 AM
I'm shocked this is being covered again. This was big in the news (ish) back in 2009, and is presented off of data taken a decade prior and onward. I mean, I know news stories will randomly pick up old stories and tout them like they are new, but this seems an odd choice...
 
2012-05-11 01:52:21 AM
FTFA: After observing the chimp for days, the scientists also suspect that Santino just also "finds it fun" to bug humans.

I wonder what the chimp's Fark handle is...

/I bet he trolls the Politics tab...
 
2012-05-11 02:31:49 AM
CSB time folks (trust me, it's kinda relevant)...

Back about a million years ago - okay it was in 1991 - I was in the Army stationed in Panama. When you first got to Panama, you would spend about a week in a Replacement Detachment waiting for your unit assignment, getting acclimated to the ungodly heat and humidity of that hellhole, and attending many classes about the country, culture, and environment you would be working in. There were three main things about the environment that they wanted you to learn. One, drink plenty of water, because the heat and humidity can kill you. Two, if you see some pretty plant out in the jungle, don't touch it because it can kill you. Three, don't fark with the wildlife, because they can kill you (are we seeing a pattern here?)

So many months later I'm out in the jungle with my platoon which was a part of the 1/508th Parachute Infantry Regiment, rough tough badass Airborne Infantry, the kinds of soldiers who can chew up rusty Buicks and shiat shiny nails. About a week into the FTX (Field Training eXercise), some dumbass cherry (new guy) decided to try to chase off a spider monkey that had been screaming at us for the past hour by throwing a stick at it. It worked for about 15 minutes, until said monkey returned with all his friends. They proceeded to piss on us, throw feces (yes they really do fling poo), and anything else they could get their damn dirty monkey paws on from high in the trees. There were probably only about 20 of them, but at the time it seemed like a lot more. Those damn monkeys literally chased an entire platoon of Airborne Infantry right the fark out of the jungle, right into a big field of Elephant grass, also known as "razor grass" because it is stiff and sharp enough to cut flesh.

The lesson... do NOT fark with the wildlife because even if they can't kill you, they might be able to throw their own shiat at you, which in some ways is worse than death.

/still get flashbacks whenever I go to the zoo
//you don't know man, you just don't know!
 
2012-05-11 03:22:00 AM
A planet where apes evolved from men? Don't look for it, Santino. You may not like what you find.
 
2012-05-11 03:43:00 AM
Seriously,

This chimp worship has got to end. They praise these hairy retarded humans for things that palestinians do all day. That chimp needs an arse kicking...
 
2012-05-11 05:11:19 AM

whiterrabbit: Seriously,

This chimp worship has got to end. They praise these hairy retarded humans for things that palestinians do all day. That chimp needs an arse kicking...


=====================================

Let me guess, you're a Zionist. [sniff sniff] Yeah, I thought I smelled that particular brand of stench.
 
2012-05-11 06:10:42 AM
www.bugdozer.vispa.com

Date: 30.JUN.14

From: Watts

To: Loesser, Angela

Subject: re: Nonsense

Angela, while it may appear that the lab monkeys are communicating with each other, I assure you it's quite impossible.
You claim that one monkey signed the passcode for a supply closet to another and the latter proceeded to open it.
As I'm sure you know, there have literally been tens of thousands of studies of primate intelligence and there is no evidence of behavior even remotely that sophisticated.
So either you've single handedly trumped the entire field of animal behaviorists or you're badly in need of a vacation.
 
2012-05-11 07:43:54 AM
I like the cut of his jib.
 
2012-05-11 12:34:24 PM
WTF - it's ike The Simpsons did EVERYTHING!
 
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