ElBarto79: [1.bp.blogspot.com image 640x480]

5 years

...ago.

Cryptkeeper

That is utterly unbelievable. It seems like a Mr. Show sketch. Like that should be David Cross...

She must have been wearing some sort of bronzer in the first story; she is a little more human looking here:

2chris2: She must have been wearing some sort of bronzer in the first story; she is a little more human looking here:


[i46.tinypic.com image 519x289]

No... I think she just put on some regular NORMAL makeup. Scary thing is, it still didn't completely hide the color..

nakedcritic: Forget the tanning - THIS is the horrible thing she's doing to her kid.

The worst thing you can teach your crotchfruit is that people don't like you "because they're jealous". Most times that's just not THAT'S NEVER the case.

"They're jealous of you because you're beautiful!" - wrong. They hate you because you tell your kid they're beauty-pageant material. Maybe they are, maybe not. But the kids HATE them because you've turned them into stuck-up biatches who believe that they're better than everyone else. If you're NICE and beautiful everyone wants to be your friend, either to bang you or to get your runoff.

"They're jealous of you because you're a great athlete." Wrong. They hate you because you have a superiority compelex because you can hit a ball or skate or run faster than other kids, and you lord it over them, and feel like that gives you the right to treat other, lesser athletes like shiat. OR you're not as good as you think you are and you treat the better kids like shiat.

"They're jealous of you because you're smart." Wrong. Much like the jocks, you're a douche because you think that doing math or science better than anyone else makes you superior. You're not. You have a superior skill, and other kids don't appreciate you douche-ily lording it over them.

Nobody's "jealous" of you, cupcake. They think you're a horrible person because you (allegedly) throw your crotchfruit into a tanning bed, and because you look like a honey-baked ham, freakshow. Deal with it, Seaward.

Great post, except for the one part I fixed for you.

She looks like a badly made bronze statue.

2chris2: She must have been wearing some sort of bronzer in the first story; she is a little more human looking here:


[i46.tinypic.com image 519x289]

What's your definition of human?!??!?

She looks like the bottom of an old track shoe!

Fine. Corinthian. Leather.



Seriously, no one else?

If I owned a tanning salon, I can't say that I would let her in. Would that be good advertising or bad?

cryinoutloud: skullkrusher: holy crap she's farking wasted

she is. I usually give everybody the benefit of the doubt, but she's loaded. And what is wrong with her upper lip? Did she bake it off?

i feel kind of bad for that guy with her. I assume it's her husband.

I have to admire a man who stands by his promises to stick around even when things get weird. I doubt she was this tan, this ugly or this crazy when they got married.

She's so gross!

Absolutely epic thread.

/when she croaks, I'll buy her skin and make a ballsack.

Big_Doofus: nakedcritic: Forget the tanning - THIS is the horrible thing she's doing to her kid.

The worst thing you can teach your crotchfruit is that people don't like you "because they're jealous". Most times that's just not the case.

"They're jealous of you because you're beautiful!" - wrong. They hate you because you tell your kid they're beauty-pageant material. Maybe they are, maybe not. But the kids HATE them because you've turned them into stuck-up biatches who believe that they're better than everyone else. If you're NICE and beautiful everyone wants to be your friend, either to bang you or to get your runoff.

"They're jealous of you because you're a great athlete." Wrong. They hate you because you have a superiority compelex because you can hit a ball or skate or run faster than other kids, and you lord it over them, and feel like that gives you the right to treat other, lesser athletes like shiat. OR you're not as good as you think you are and you treat the better kids like shiat.

"They're jealous of you because you're smart." Wrong. Much like the jocks, you're a douche because you think that doing math or science better than anyone else makes you superior. You're not. You have a superior skill, and other kids don't appreciate you douche-ily lording it over them.

Nobody's "jealous" of you, cupcake. They think you're a horrible person because you (allegedly) throw your crotchfruit into a tanning bed, and because you look like a honey-baked ham, freakshow. Deal with it, Seaward.

While I agree with much of your post, please don't call kids "crotchfruit". Whenever I hear that super farking stupid word used I think of Comic Book Guy saying it. Not sure why, but I think most people who actually say that probably look a lot like him and don't ever have sex.

Worst. Assumption. Ever.

I've heard of body dysmorphia where people see themselves as fat and ugly when in fact they are not, does this woman have some sort of reverse body dysmorphia where where just doesn't see her resemblance to an old boot?

T. Dawg: I was under the impression that Jersey Orange was the result of bad spray tans. Do they really turn orange from normal tanning?

Count me in on wondering about this, but I wouldn't be surprised if the tanning bed doesn't give her enough color for her taste and she has therefore resorted to adding a touch of shoe polish to her make-up. At least, that is what it looks like.

I'd still love to know why spray tans are so orange in the first place. No human on the planet is supposed to be orange. It is supposed to be spray 'tan' not spray 'orange'. The orange folk of New Jersey must know we laugh at their crazy oompa loompa skin tones so it is completely beyond me why they actually pay money to look like that. You think one of them would one day wake up and look in the mirror and go "holy fark....I'm an orange freak...damn I have to stop doing this shiat cos I look awful!"

Yes I know, people are crazy, just some are even more crazy than others.

LeroyBourne: Oh dear lord, I thought she was going to moon the camera, and I took a deep breathe to prepare myself.
sigh of relief*

It would have been an improvement.

I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can diet!

Some years ago I was told a story of a young woman who was desparate to have the perfect tan for her wedding. Unfortunately she lived in the Midwest, and the wedding was far too soon for her to tan naturaly to the degree she felt necessary.

Compounding the issue, the local tanning salons had strict policies regarding how many appointments they would give her, since she had only a few weeks to prepare but wanted the equivalent of months if not years of 'tanning'.

Not one to be easily thwarted, our heroine began booking appointments at multiple salons under fake names, thus handily circumventing any obstacle to her ideally bronzed wedded bliss. The plan worked brilliantly, after only a couple of weeks she was perfectly tanned, just in time for her perfect day and a host of perfect pictures.

Right up until she passed out and died. According to the medical examiners, she had suffered massive organ failure due to extensive damage to her innards - which appeared to the medical examiners to have been microwaved.

I don't know how much truth there was in the story, but I can tell you without a doubt that it completely ruined my fried ravioli appetizer.

Jster422: Some years ago I was told a story of a young woman who was desparate to have the perfect tan for her wedding. Unfortunately she lived in the Midwest, and the wedding was far too soon for her to tan naturaly to the degree she felt necessary.

Compounding the issue, the local tanning salons had strict policies regarding how many appointments they would give her, since she had only a few weeks to prepare but wanted the equivalent of months if not years of 'tanning'.

Not one to be easily thwarted, our heroine began booking appointments at multiple salons under fake names, thus handily circumventing any obstacle to her ideally bronzed wedded bliss. The plan worked brilliantly, after only a couple of weeks she was perfectly tanned, just in time for her perfect day and a host of perfect pictures.

Right up until she passed out and died. According to the medical examiners, she had suffered massive organ failure due to extensive damage to her innards - which appeared to the medical examiners to have been microwaved.

I don't know how much truth there was in the story, but I can tell you without a doubt that it completely ruined my fried ravioli appetizer.

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/vanities/tanningbed.asp

2chris2: She must have been wearing some sort of bronzer in the first story; she is a little more human looking here:


[i46.tinypic.com image 519x289]

Human?

Jster422: Some years ago I was told a story of a young woman who was desparate to have the perfect tan for her wedding. Unfortunately she lived in the Midwest, and the wedding was far too soon for her to tan naturaly to the degree she felt necessary.

Compounding the issue, the local tanning salons had strict policies regarding how many appointments they would give her, since she had only a few weeks to prepare but wanted the equivalent of months if not years of 'tanning'.

Not one to be easily thwarted, our heroine began booking appointments at multiple salons under fake names, thus handily circumventing any obstacle to her ideally bronzed wedded bliss. The plan worked brilliantly, after only a couple of weeks she was perfectly tanned, just in time for her perfect day and a host of perfect pictures.

Right up until she passed out and died. According to the medical examiners, she had suffered massive organ failure due to extensive damage to her innards - which appeared to the medical examiners to have been microwaved.

I don't know how much truth there was in the story, but I can tell you without a doubt that it completely ruined my fried ravioli appetizer.

This is almost correct. Actually, the young lady in question was put in the microwave over because her stoned babysitter thought she was a chicken.

MycroftHolmes: Jster422: Some years ago I was told a story of a young woman who was desparate to have the perfect tan for her wedding. Unfortunately she lived in the Midwest, and the wedding was far too soon for her to tan naturaly to the degree she felt necessary.

Compounding the issue, the local tanning salons had strict policies regarding how many appointments they would give her, since she had only a few weeks to prepare but wanted the equivalent of months if not years of 'tanning'.

Not one to be easily thwarted, our heroine began booking appointments at multiple salons under fake names, thus handily circumventing any obstacle to her ideally bronzed wedded bliss. The plan worked brilliantly, after only a couple of weeks she was perfectly tanned, just in time for her perfect day and a host of perfect pictures.

Right up until she passed out and died. According to the medical examiners, she had suffered massive organ failure due to extensive damage to her innards - which appeared to the medical examiners to have been microwaved.

I don't know how much truth there was in the story, but I can tell you without a doubt that it completely ruined my fried ravioli appetizer.

This is almost correct. Actually, the young lady in question was put in the microwave over because her stoned babysitter thought she was a chicken.

You only know that because you broke and and called down from the upstairs phone, then left a message on the bedroom mirror "welcome to the world of AIDS"