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(The Atlantic Wire)   How Hollywood lied to us about romance   (theatlanticwire.com) divider line 168
    More: Sad, Hollywood, falling in love, shopping spree, romantic movie  
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7555 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 03 May 2012 at 6:58 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-05-02 11:46:34 PM
Love is a lie, romance is bullshiat, and odds are you will die alone, wallowing in your own excrement.

And any movie that doesn't portray that is lying to you.

And let's not forget all these damn Disney movies that con young girls into believing they're special little princesses, an attitude that they do not lose as they get older. In fact, it only gets worse.

And then, when broads do get older, they're force fed these horrible romantic comedies and chick flicks which make their belief that they're princesses seem plausible!

And it isn't any better on the male side, either. She doesn't give a damn about you, just the status or financial security or child you're donating sperm to her for. That's it.

And, if by some miracle what I've written is wrong, and you wind up happy, it'll all end like the first scene in UP.
 
2012-05-02 11:56:10 PM

FirstNationalBastard: Love is a lie, romance is bullshiat, and odds are you will die alone, wallowing in your own excrement.


Those sentences are not mutually inclusive. You can find the love of your life and still die alone, wallowing in your own excrement.

Every hello comes with a goodbye, and it's rare for even lifelong lovers to die together.
 
2012-05-02 11:58:12 PM
You mean I'm not going to meet the woman of my dreams through some wacky shenanigan or have her realize I'm what she is looking for after a string of bad dates with guys that I told her not date? She isn't going to be in a field related to communication or public relations. I'm not going to piss her off after one misunderstood circumstance and I won't have to come up with some wacky plan, that most would consider stalkerish, and will win her back?
 
2012-05-03 12:03:42 AM
I think I'll get good and drunk and wait until 2 AM to call the woman who broke my heart. I'm sure she'll realize what a horrible mistake she made by rejecting me and immediately rush to fall into my arms

/what?
 
2012-05-03 12:06:45 AM
I have a feeling this is going to be a very happy and optimistic thread and not at all filled with venom and despair.
 
2012-05-03 12:11:46 AM

Cubansaltyballs: I have a feeling this is going to be a very happy and optimistic thread and not at all filled with venom and despair.


But at least we're not bitter
 
2012-05-03 12:26:11 AM

Ambivalence: FirstNationalBastard: Love is a lie, romance is bullshiat, and odds are you will die alone, wallowing in your own excrement.


Those sentences are not mutually inclusive. You can find the love of your life and still die alone, wallowing in your own excrement.

Every hello comes with a goodbye, and it's rare for even lifelong lovers to die together.


That's why every romance movie should end with a murder/suicide.
 
2012-05-03 12:29:06 AM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: Cubansaltyballs: I have a feeling this is going to be a very happy and optimistic thread and not at all filled with venom and despair.

But at least we're not bitter


And we're not going to get called at 3:00 AM because 'he...he...he..cheated on me again' and then to get a call two days later because 'he's different this time and he is so sweet to me'
 
2012-05-03 12:33:54 AM

Ghastly: That's why every romance movie should end with a murder/suicide.


Yah, no.
 
2012-05-03 12:48:47 AM

Ambivalence: Ghastly: That's why every romance movie should end with a murder/suicide.

Yah, no.


Worked for Shakespeare!
 
2012-05-03 01:24:35 AM
Wait...Hollywood does not accurately reflect reality??

But, but, everything I do is based on what I learn from movies!
 
2012-05-03 01:24:59 AM
Next time, on "Hollywood Romantic comedy or transcript of aggravated stalking trial" ...
 
2012-05-03 01:32:16 AM

DammitIForgotMyLogin: Next time, on "Hollywood Romantic comedy or transcript of aggravated stalking trial" ...


Every breath you take
And every move you make
Every bond you break, every step you take
I'll be watching you

Every single day
And every word you say
Every game you play, every night you stay
I'll be watching you

Oh can't you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take

Every move you make
And every vow you break
Every smile you fake, every claim you stake
I'll be watching you
 
2012-05-03 02:09:26 AM
Your mom lied to everyone about romance.
 
2012-05-03 03:03:18 AM
You mean movies aren't true?
 
2012-05-03 03:51:51 AM

FirstNationalBastard: Ambivalence: Ghastly: That's why every romance movie should end with a murder/suicide.

Yah, no.

Worked for Shakespeare!


That was suicide/suicide.
 
2012-05-03 03:53:55 AM
Romance movies are escapist entertainment for an hour and a half. Anybody who thinks life is like the movies is an idiot and you should not enter into a relationship with them.

/at least not using your real name
 
2012-05-03 04:07:33 AM

Petit_Merdeux: FirstNationalBastard: Ambivalence: Ghastly: That's why every romance movie should end with a murder/suicide.

Yah, no.

Worked for Shakespeare!

That was suicide/suicide.


Eh, close enough. And, probably a more audience friendly ending.
 
2012-05-03 06:54:19 AM
No matter what Hollywood tells you, the Dread Pirate Roberts really doesn't take any prisoners, he killed your love the day he took the ship.*

Life is pain, anyone who tells you different is selling something.

*If he didn't kill them it would be work, work work!
 
2012-05-03 07:07:45 AM
It's a silly thing really
That you shouldn't believe in
 
2012-05-03 07:32:06 AM
I've had hook up buddies turn into actual relationships. Isn't that how romance actually works? "Oh hey, sex with you is good, let's hang out."
 
2012-05-03 07:32:19 AM

FirstNationalBastard: DammitIForgotMyLogin: Next time, on "Hollywood Romantic comedy or transcript of aggravated stalking trial" ...

Every breath you take
And every move you make
Every bond you break, every step you take
I'll be watching you

Every single day
And every word you say
Every game you play, every night you stay
I'll be watching you

Oh can't you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take

Every move you make
And every vow you break
Every smile you fake, every claim you stake
I'll be watching you


How romantic!
 
2012-05-03 07:33:33 AM
I want my Manic Pixie Dream Girl!
 
2012-05-03 07:37:33 AM
Obvious tag needs to show up, punch Sad tag in the stomach, point at it and say "Ha! Ha!"
 
2012-05-03 07:37:42 AM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: I think I'll get good and drunk and wait until 2 AM to call the woman who broke my heart. I'm sure she'll realize what a horrible mistake she made by rejecting me and immediately rush to fall into my arms

/what?


And then, when that fails and I'm still drunk, I'll write this blog entry decrying the falsehoods portrayed in shallow romantic comedies.
 
2012-05-03 07:38:07 AM

FirstNationalBastard: Love is a lie, romance is bullshiat, and odds are you will die alone, wallowing in your own excrement.

And any movie that doesn't portray that is lying to you.

And let's not forget all these damn Disney movies that con young girls into believing they're special little princesses, an attitude that they do not lose as they get older. In fact, it only gets worse.

And then, when broads do get older, they're force fed these horrible romantic comedies and chick flicks which make their belief that they're princesses seem plausible!

And it isn't any better on the male side, either. She doesn't give a damn about you, just the status or financial security or child you're donating sperm to her for. That's it.

And, if by some miracle what I've written is wrong, and you wind up happy, it'll all end like the first scene in UP.


Well goddamn; it's so nice to enjoy my coffee with your uplifting rant.
 
2012-05-03 07:45:39 AM
You know, I *do* have a good friend who's gay, but he's a rather sensible individual.
 
2012-05-03 07:49:59 AM

FirstNationalBastard: Love is a lie, romance is bullshiat, and odds are you will die alone, wallowing in your own excrement.

And any movie that doesn't portray that is lying to you.

And let's not forget all these damn Disney movies that con young girls into believing they're special little princesses, an attitude that they do not lose as they get older. In fact, it only gets worse.

And then, when broads do get older, they're force fed these horrible romantic comedies and chick flicks which make their belief that they're princesses seem plausible!

And it isn't any better on the male side, either. She doesn't give a damn about you, just the status or financial security or child you're donating sperm to her for. That's it.

And, if by some miracle what I've written is wrong, and you wind up happy, it'll all end like the first scene in UP.


Still worth every ounce of anguish.
 
2012-05-03 07:55:58 AM
It didn't start with Hollywood.

Kindly remember that Romeo and Juliette, that ever-epitomized tome of "romance", was actually a story about a 17 y/o guy and a 13 y/o girl whose "deep, meaningful relationship" lasted all of 3 days, and resulted in 6 deaths.
 
2012-05-03 07:58:06 AM
I found my soul mate.
Two months later she had a seizure and died.
Ta-da. Life is suffering.
 
2012-05-03 07:58:40 AM
FirstNationalBastard
Every breath you take
And every move you make
Every bond you break, every step you take
I'll be watching you

Every single day
And every word you say
Every game you play, every night you stay
I'll be watching you

Oh can't you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take

Every move you make
And every vow you break
Every smile you fake, every claim you stake
I'll be watching you


Every move you make
Every leaf you rake
Every dog you wake
Every herring you bake
I'll be watching yoooou...

www.zuckervati.com
 
2012-05-03 08:00:33 AM

HAMMERTOE: It didn't start with Hollywood.

Kindly remember that Romeo and Juliette, that ever-epitomized tome of "romance", was actually a story about a 17 y/o guy and a 13 y/o girl whose "deep, meaningful relationship" lasted all of 3 days, and resulted in 6 deaths.


Worse yet, he didn't even get any, making their sacrifice all in vain.
 
2012-05-03 08:02:57 AM
FTA: There will not be a comedy of manners or tiny, insurmountable offenses, in which he says one thing and you take it the wrong way and then you say something else, and then other people stick their noses in and sway you in one way or the other, but then he saves your sister from ill repute, and you finally realize what a good man he is, and how he love-love-loves you.

It's still real to me, dammit. Mr. Darcy, if you're reading this, call me!
 
2012-05-03 08:03:38 AM
The Ephron sisters should be charged with crimes against humanity.
 
2012-05-03 08:06:41 AM
Letters to Penthouse Forum, however, tell the truth about romance.
 
2012-05-03 08:10:46 AM

Ambivalence: FirstNationalBastard: Love is a lie, romance is bullshiat, and odds are you will die alone, wallowing in your own excrement.


Those sentences are not mutually inclusive. You can find the love of your life and still die alone, wallowing in your own excrement.

Every hello comes with a goodbye, and it's rare for even lifelong lovers to die together.


So you're saying a lucky few will be able to die wallowing in each others excrement?

Oh joy.

/staying single
 
2012-05-03 08:12:12 AM
ELAINE!!!


ELAINE!!!!!
 
2012-05-03 08:20:50 AM
Way back when (the 70s) when I was in kollidge, I discovered the secret to romance: women are primarily interested in cars, cash, or cocaine.

Has anything changed since then?
 
2012-05-03 08:23:48 AM

FirstNationalBastard:

And, if by some miracle what I've written is wrong, and you wind up happy, it'll all end like the first scene in UP.


After decades of being with someone you care about whose dying wish is for you to live the rest of your life happy? Gee, what a shame.
 
2012-05-03 08:25:07 AM

PonceAlyosha: HAMMERTOE: It didn't start with Hollywood.

Kindly remember that Romeo and Juliette, that ever-epitomized tome of "romance", was actually a story about a 17 y/o guy and a 13 y/o girl whose "deep, meaningful relationship" lasted all of 3 days, and resulted in 6 deaths.

Worse yet, he didn't even get any, making their sacrifice all in vain.


Yes, he did. In Act III. What do you think happened in between the time Nurse shows up at Friar Laurence's to tell Romeo that Juliet wanted to see him that very night and the next morning when they both emerge from her bedroom?
 
2012-05-03 08:25:38 AM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: Cubansaltyballs: I have a feeling this is going to be a very happy and optimistic thread and not at all filled with venom and despair.

But at least we're not bitter


Or delusional, ideological, or liberally optimistic about love- so much to the point it poisons the mind.
 
kab
2012-05-03 08:26:10 AM
Why were these article writers using romance flicks as some sort of guideline for their own expectations? It's not so much that anyone lied to you... it's more that you're utterly lacking in common sense to begin with.

Be prepared for more letdowns, for hollywood also lies to you about how most car chases go, about how computer hacking works, how most brawls go, how smart most bank robbers / criminals are, etc. And the porn industry lies to you about sex.
 
2012-05-03 08:29:33 AM

kab: Why were these article writers using romance flicks as some sort of guideline for their own expectations? It's not so much that anyone lied to you... it's more that you're utterly lacking in common sense to begin with.

Be prepared for more letdowns, for hollywood also lies to you about how most car chases go, about how computer hacking works, how most brawls go, how smart most bank robbers / criminals are, etc. And the porn industry lies to you about sex.


And not once, not once, have I seen a large group of people spontaneously break out into song, with some phantom orchestra playing from nowhere, and engage in an elaborate, meticulously choreographed dance number.
 
2012-05-03 08:30:03 AM

HAMMERTOE: It didn't start with Hollywood.

Kindly remember that Romeo and Juliette, that ever-epitomized tome of "romance", was actually a story about a 17 y/o guy and a 13 y/o girl whose "deep, meaningful relationship" lasted all of 3 days, and resulted in 6 deaths.


Er.... I thought that was a tragedy. Do people actually take that story as romantic?
 
2012-05-03 08:30:22 AM

Petit_Merdeux: FirstNationalBastard: Ambivalence: Ghastly: That's why every romance movie should end with a murder/suicide.

Yah, no.

Worked for Shakespeare!

That was suicide/suicide.


Nowhere near as bad as rape/rape.
 
2012-05-03 08:30:37 AM
Actually I can't help but think that Hollywood lied to us about romance on purpose. Seriously, who wants to go see a movie about a real romance?

/Brokeback Mountain
 
kab
2012-05-03 08:31:38 AM
In other news, goddamn there's some sad, bitter folks in this thread.
 
2012-05-03 08:36:09 AM

kab: In other news, goddamn there's some sad, bitter folks in this thread.


Until some perky eccentric young woman, preferably with colorfully died hair, bounces into my life and sees me being more than the boring stuffed shirt that I am, and then engages me with her wild and quirky antics, I won't be happy.
 
2012-05-03 08:37:24 AM

Nurglitch: Actually I can't help but think that Hollywood lied to us about romance on purpose. Seriously, who wants to go see a movie about a real romance?

/Brokeback Mountain


Annie Hall was a good story about a real romance. Annie and Woody don't live happily ever after in the end. They see each other for the first time in years and it's a little weird and awkward and then they go about their lives.

They don't make movies like that anymore.
 
2012-05-03 08:38:27 AM

HAMMERTOE: It didn't start with Hollywood.

Kindly remember that Romeo and Juliette, that ever-epitomized tome of "romance", was actually a story about a 17 y/o guy and a 13 y/o girl whose "deep, meaningful relationship" lasted all of 3 days, and resulted in 6 deaths.


These days he'd be arrested for stalking and placed on a sex offender registry, and she would have been hospitalized and medicated for depression so the whole fiasco would have been avoided.
 
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