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Instrument thieves who may be prone to violins, a note from the Stop Hitting Yourself Institute, and researchers discover the Kardash-ion: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 4/22 - 4/28
Posted by Unfreakable at 2012-04-30 7:08:20 PM (11 comments) | Permalink

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2548 clicks; posted to Main » on 30 Apr 2012 at 7:11 PM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Some of our favorite headlines from last week. Enjoy!

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2012-04-22 to Sat 2012-04-28:

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  Kenyan rangers shoot five ivory poachers, will grind up their bones and sell them to conservationists as an aphrodisiac    
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  Vader charged with murder of missing Alberta couple, entire population of Alderaan    
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  Boy takes girl with Down Syndrome to prom, where every dance is a slow dance    
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  Man accused of raping four prostitutes in Pontiac. Subby is guessing it wasn't a Fiero    
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  Owners throw $5000 wedding for dogs. Bride still a complete biatch (w/video)    
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  Judge rules that you can't pay someone to masturbate in Utah, a state that I didn't even know had emissions standards    
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  Instruments stolen from band bus. Authorities warn that the suspects may be prone to violins    
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  Arizona migrant case could lead to sweeping changes. Also dishwashing changes, landscaping changes, and nanny changes    
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  Man attacks woman with couch. That is sofa king weird    
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  Men charged with stealing thousands of dollars worth of printer ink. Police say both cartridges were successfully recovered    
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  Bullied children are more prone to self-harm, says new study from the Stop Hitting Yourself Institute    
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Sports:

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  The Donkos, Ravens, and Buccaneers are using iPads instead of the traditional hard copy playbook. So far the most used play is "Angry Birds Split Option Z Left"    
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  Fark-ready sports headline: "Predators Announce First-Ever Child Abuse Prevention Night"    
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  ♫ Every Rose has its torn (ACL) ♫  


Geek:

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  Google to begin penalizing "search over-optimization." sex nudity scarlett johansson free win cash viagra baldness cure male enhancement mortgage loan click lottery numbers UPS delivery notification    
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  MIT researchers invent new water-repellent "super glass". Which is why American light beers will no longer be available in bottles    
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  New subatomic particle discovered at CERN made up of a combination of quarks that only exist for a fraction of a second before divorcing. Particle tentatively named "The Kardash-ion"    
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Entertainment:

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  Britney Spears sells home for $4.2 million. LEAVE BRITNEY A LOAN    
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  Townhouse used as location for Sarah Jessica Parker's residence in Sex and the City sells to anonymous buyer. Rent to remain stable    
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  Team behind Tupac hologram consider a Bieber/Elvis duo. In other news, entire state of Tennessee being powered by spinning grave    
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Politics:

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  Joe Lieberman plans to call hearings on Secret Service prostitution scandal. Hearings to be aired on C-SPAN, Cinemax    
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  Obama's top campaign strategist says that he thinks many Republicans want to work with the president but they are too afraid of House Minority Whip Robespierre and Senate Minority Leader Saint-Just to do so    
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  Wisconsin is dead last in jobs, skinny people    
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Business:

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  After 70 years, Germany to publish new edition of 'Mein Kampf'. Tentative working title: Hitler: Göing Roguenfrauzen    
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  Oil companies claim 150,000 new jobs created in 2011. In related news, 150,000 people hired last year to clean oil spill along the Gulf Coast    
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  State department denies restaurant its trademark request because its name is "immoral and deceptive" Well if you don't like it, then Fuku    
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· · ·

11 Comments     (+0 »)
 
 
2012-04-30 07:18:27 PM  
Awesome :)
 
2012-04-30 07:46:28 PM  
LEAVE BRITNEY A LOAN = Brilliant.
 
2012-04-30 07:54:22 PM  
Wow, how does this headline go green so fast?
 
2012-04-30 07:56:05 PM  
Cello?

Cello?

Anybody loan?

Heh.

;)
 
2012-04-30 08:00:48 PM  
So basically same old same old!
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2012-04-30 08:12:52 PM  
Can someone fix the HOTWlink from the main page? Its most recent entry is from the end of March.
 
2012-04-30 09:41:06 PM  
I tried to read that but my brain hurt
 
2012-04-30 10:56:45 PM  

Perturbance: Can someone fix the HOTWlink from the main page? Its most recent entry is from the end of March.


Mike is working on it.
 
2012-05-01 12:25:30 AM  
The Stop Hitting Yourself Institute headline was just wrong, and awesomely so. Also, the Kardash-ion one is genius.
 
2012-05-01 01:30:11 AM  
A young girl, violins. So much Pearl Jam I can't help make a joke.
 
2012-05-01 02:13:56 AM  
Great headlines this week. Some of them even got a laugh out of Mrs. Gig103, who usually rolls her eyes when I read them aloud.
 
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