Tell them it's from masturbating.

Brazilian Hand Herpes.

Tell them you have a touch of Stigmata.

Tell them it's mad cow disease and then at random times during the day shout MOO DAMMIT in an angry voice.

Tell them you're not sure what it is but you think you got it from the goat.

Measles. Make all of the antivaxers squirm a bit.

priapism

Tell them you have Cronhn's disease and then shiat all over their desk.

Dutch Elm disease.

Tell them you had a bad allergic reaction to garlic. And then every time you pass a window, hiss at the sunlight and scurry away. The rest of the time, you act normal.

Tell your coworkers that you don't know what it is, but your expecting a call from the CDC this afternoon to find out. and you're supposed to stay at home, but you really had to get that big project finished.

Be sure to shake their hands first and make them ask about your hand. Then tell them it must have been something you ate cause it was making your anus itch like crazy.

Say nothing. Add some greenish-gray makeup, just enough to make your hands look a little "off" in addition to being bumpy. Subtlety is key.

If they ask, refuse to talk about it. A couple of times during the day, allow yourself to be seen with your hand slowly crawling across your desk apparently of its own accord. Then pretend you just noticed it's doing that and quickly stick the hand behind your back or put something on top of it. React angrily if questioned.

When the poison ivy clears up, put some fake stitched around your wrists, so it looks like you had the hands replaced. Act perfectly normal and deny that anything was ever wrong.

When someone offers you free blankets, you take them. Would be rude to turn them down.

Tell them you were fisting Kim Kardashian, that's why you have it on both hands.

Rectal rash. Not your own. Refuse to answer any further questions on the subject.

1) Find an unusual-looking rock.
2) Set rock on co-worker's desk, making sure they get to see your hands.
3) Tell them you found it on the site of a nearby nuclear power plant.
4) Charge them to take it away. Charge them well.
5) Profit!

One time I called in sick with cunnilingus. True story. It was the year after I graduated high school.

"Whoa, what is that? It sounds pretty serious."

"Yeah, the doc says if I'm not careful it could develop into full-blown coitus."

"Then take the day off. Take the whole weekend. Get better!"

Oh, how we laughed, me and my then-girlfriend. And I wasn't technically lying...

super saiyan psoriasis.

I think its amazing in this day and age how many people are still convinced that poison ivy is contagious.

You could take an open, pus filled, green sauce oozing, bubbly and runny poison ivy infested wound and scrape it across someone's open mouth and not be worried about giving them a rash.

There. Now don't you all feel silly?

Tell them that you have a new boyfriend and you're allergic to his semen. BUT that it's worth it!

/this will be even more effective if you are male

Mock26: Small pox!

No, huge pox. You caught them Costco because nothing is small at Costco.

Conservatism?

\oh, right - that's stigmata

Shingles

IamKaiserSoze!!!: I am not allergic to poison ivy and was born without tonsils.

I believe I am the next evolution of humans.

I'm not allergic to poison ivy and have no wisdom teeth. I've out-evolved you.

Cheers

/my tonsils are fine, thanks for asking

mekki: Tell them you had a bad allergic reaction to garlic. And then every time you pass a window, hiss at the sunlight and scurry away. The rest of the time, you act normal.

I think the more appropriate gag is say you touched Holy Water, and it's really weird that the stuff just burned you right then and there. Go into all the logically ensuing details... "the doctor says it's an allergic reaction, but it's really weird." "we checked and maybe it's got something to do with the faucet, like the water's really hard or something" "maybe some kid put something in it as a joke, but it didn't bother anyone else, so some kind of allergy we think". That mundane laboring-the-question lends credibility. The gullible will be alarmed.

Small pox!

Roaches: Tell them you've been fondling toads choads.

ftfy

Act like you don't notice it. Then, claim you must be allergic to the office and need a week off while the cleaning service does a deep cleaning.

MANOS- HANDS OF FATE

spcMike: AbbeySomeone: Tell them it's from masturbating.

Funny thing. I have a friend who back in college went hiking and somewhere along the way must've rubbed against some poison ivy plants. Well, at the time his girlfriend was out of town, and so he was left with taking care of himself, so to speak.

Turns out getting poison ivy on your junk is hilarious when it happens to someone else.


True (not cool) story: My best friend in high school got poison ivy on his penis while peeing late at night in the bushes behind his house. He then farked his GF shortly thereafter. So he had the reaction all over his crotch and she had it in her hoohah. I thought she was considerably worse off than him.

Ebola...

CoolBeans: oldfarthenry: Adjective Bird Whiskey: Just tell everybody you spent the weekend high fiving people leprosy victims.

Problem is, you can only high-five a leper once.

Twice, and if you are quick you can make 2 low-fives too.

//you owe me a keyboard
//and another coffee

Jungle Rot
Festering Venereal Warts
The Screaming Heebie Jeebies
The HIV

Infantile ideopathic cutaneous horns

Bob Vila - "So we have this stuff growing through all these trees. What is this? Some kind of creeping vine"

Landscaper - "Uhhhh.. That's... poison ivy Bob."

Bob Vila - "Hmmm, I guess I shouldn'ta touched it then."

Best episode ever!

Tell them you want to know too so ask their wife/girlfriend

Bedbugs. Creep them out that they might get infested too.

IamKaiserSoze!!!: I am not allergic to poison ivy and was born without tonsils.

I believe I am the next evolution of humans.

Don't get too cocky about that. I didn't react to poison ivy either...for the first 60 years. Even now, it takes a few days to manifest itself, which is never a happy discovery.

Sickle cell.

Scurvy.

Syphilis.

Dermabiffida

Half-ass tell them it's nothing, and when they press you, just say "Look, just..don't mess with the zebras in [zoo nearest to you]."

Or other species if you don't have zebras in your zoo.

Tell your female coworkers that your hands are ribbed for their pleasure.

CoolBeans: oldfarthenry: Adjective Bird Whiskey: Just tell everybody you spent the weekend high fiving people leprosy victims.

Problem is, you can only high-five a leper once.

**spit**

Lupus

GooberMcFly: AIDS.

Poison AIDS

tell them you're the goddamn batman.

Schistosomiasis