FARK.com: (7074556) Man earns dubious reputation as fastest lover in Illinois

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		Man earns dubious reputation as fastest lover in Illinois (myfoxchicago.com)		110
		More: Dumbass, Illinois

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16526 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Apr 2012 at 12:47 PM | Favorite | share:

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AverageAmericanGuy		2012-04-27 12:50:15 PM

It doesn't work if you are arrested for reckless driving before you copulate.

kvinesknows		2012-04-27 12:50:51 PM

"to add to his woes, police allegedly found 0.2 grams of marijuana during a search of his car."

.2 grams? WTF.. is that even a joint?

clowncar on fire		2012-04-27 12:52:37 PM

Giggity!

Eleventy11!

R.A.Danny		2012-04-27 12:53:33 PM

About a mile from my house. Maybe he was trying to beat me home, the Mrs. works out of the house.

Nightsweat		2012-04-27 12:53:50 PM

I'll make love to you woman, in five minutes time
Ain't that a man?

/Glory be!

protectyourlimbs		2012-04-27 12:54:05 PM

Got pulled over doing 118 going to NYC and only got a ticket for obstructing traffic... yeah, some cars were passing me...

AverageAmericanGuy		2012-04-27 12:54:49 PM

You could call him unique!

/boogity boogity

Cheron		2012-04-27 12:55:32 PM

I think one thing that defines young men is the crazy and stupid stuff they will happily do if there is even the slightest chance of getting their dicks wet.

AllUpInYa		2012-04-27 12:55:51 PM

kvinesknows: "to add to his woes, police allegedly found 0.2 grams of marijuana during a search of his car."

.2 grams? WTF.. is that even a joint?

They must've vacuumed his carpets, or something.

Doubletwist-		2012-04-27 12:56:30 PM

Okay, what moron designed that website? A major market network website and it appears as if they hired a 15-year old kid who has a fetish for mid-90's website design... I couldn't even read the article over that horrible background image.

The_Original_Roxtar		2012-04-27 12:56:52 PM

kvinesknows: "to add to his woes, police allegedly found 0.2 grams of marijuana during a search of his car."

.2 grams? WTF.. is that even a joint?

having no idea how much the demon cannabis weighs, I can't be sure... but that sounded like an irrelevant amount to me too. like maybe "oh, there's some residue in this baggie"

DannyJunior		2012-04-27 12:58:32 PM

Mugshot:

Running Wild		2012-04-27 01:02:21 PM

The_Original_Roxtar: kvinesknows: "to add to his woes, police allegedly found 0.2 grams of marijuana during a search of his car."

.2 grams? WTF.. is that even a joint?

having no idea how much the demon cannabis weighs, I can't be sure... but that sounded like an irrelevant amount to me too. like maybe "oh, there's some residue in this baggie"

It's not that much. Imagine it's all crushed up, and it might be enough to cover a nickle if you spread it out really thin.

/Or so I've heard..

Uzzah		2012-04-27 01:03:23 PM

He's a smoker,
he's a joker,
he's a midnight toker,
he gets his lovin' on the run.

/w^ah-w^aaaaah

Plissken		2012-04-27 01:05:46 PM

He wanted to touch the hiney.

kvinesknows		2012-04-27 01:07:07 PM

The_Original_Roxtar: having no idea how much the demon cannabis weighs

umm it weighs the same as anything else

ie 2 tonnes of rocks are not heavier then 2 tonnes of feathers :P

nucular bum		2012-04-27 01:09:18 PM

The Illinois Enema Bandit strikes again?!?

/dnrtfa

Strongbeerrules		2012-04-27 01:09:53 PM

A '94 Prelude clocked at 111 mph? Unlikely.

Eatin' Queer Fetuses for Jesus		2012-04-27 01:10:59 PM

Too bad his last name was Ramirez and not Gonzales. Arriba!

UHC2005		2012-04-27 01:11:17 PM

AverageAmericanGuy: You could call him unique!

/boogity boogity

Don't look Ethel!

ShamanGator		2012-04-27 01:11:23 PM

Either he was on a hell of a dry spell, or she is extraordinarily hot & does all the strange, crazy, sex things really well

Magorn		2012-04-27 01:12:31 PM

Look 111 is stupid but i rememeber being his age too. In specific I remember getting a call one night out of the blue from a hot redhead friend I had been pursuing without any success (we ran with the same friends) for the better part of a year. She said (and this is an exact quote) "Me and (another smoking hot red-headed friend of hers) are here in my room, we're very drunk, and extremely bored and we've decided you need to come and entertain us"

I'm pretty sure my wee Toyota Corolla set some speed records for the model on the way there that night.

Bad Man		2012-04-27 01:12:44 PM

I read that as 11 MPH and was all like WTF?

Snarfangel		2012-04-27 01:12:57 PM

kvinesknows: "to add to his woes, police allegedly found 0.2 grams of marijuana during a search of his car."

.2 grams? WTF.. is that even a joint?

If we still had Prohibition (of the alcoholic variety), cops would be arresting people for 0.2 ounces of fruit juice that had accidentally fermented.

The One True TheDavid		2012-04-27 01:15:12 PM

"Rushing To Go Have Sex."

I'd be running away from it.

Oh woah woman, if you was a whiskey...

Tillmaster		2012-04-27 01:15:31 PM

Magorn: Look 111 is stupid but i rememeber being his age too. In specific I remember getting a call one night out of the blue from a hot redhead friend I had been pursuing without any success (we ran with the same friends) for the better part of a year. She said (and this is an exact quote) "Me and (another smoking hot red-headed friend of hers) are here in my room, we're very drunk, and extremely bored and we've decided you need to come and entertain us"

I'm pretty sure my wee Toyota Corolla set some speed records for the model on the way there that night.

And when you got there, they expected you to do Cagney impressions?

myrrh		2012-04-27 01:22:38 PM

Strongbeerrules		2012-04-27 01:23:57 PM

Eatin' Queer Fetuses for Jesus: Too bad his last name was Ramirez and not Gonzales. Arriba!

They don't call him Speedy for nothing. When his girlfriend was asked if she had ever faked her orgasms with the suspect, she replied "There's wasn't enough time."

HectorSchwartz		2012-04-27 01:26:27 PM

kvinesknows: "to add to his woes, police allegedly found 0.2 grams of marijuana during a search of his car."

.2 grams? WTF.. is that even a joint?

No shiat! I probably have more than that in the lint filter of my dryer.

LeroyBourne		2012-04-27 01:26:48 PM

Dude is acting like it was his first piece ever.

what the cat dragged in		2012-04-27 01:27:24 PM

One of the joys of a long-distance relationship: those after-dark high-speed treks to get where you're going to get with the one you're going with.

Strongbeerrules		2012-04-27 01:28:00 PM

Strongbeerrules: Eatin' Queer Fetuses for Jesus: Too bad his last name was Ramirez and not Gonzales. Arriba!

They don't call him Speedy for nothing. When his girlfriend was asked if she had ever faked her orgasms with the suspect, she replied "There's wasn't enough time."

Oops. "There wasn't enough time"

dabeansdad		2012-04-27 01:29:37 PM

Stay safe, or you'll end up with an accident that could have been avoided...

Oh, and drive carefully...

schattenteufel		2012-04-27 01:32:29 PM

Once he was pulled over & knew his chances of getting to his girl in time were shot, he should have went ahead & sexed up the cop.

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.

The Southern Dandy		2012-04-27 01:36:17 PM

Degenerate Monkey		2012-04-27 01:36:45 PM

Maybe the girl said she'd give up anal if he could get there in 10 minutes or less.

sweet-daddy-2		2012-04-27 01:37:33 PM

Cheron: I think one thing that defines ~~young~~ men is the crazy and stupid stuff they will happily do if there is even the slightest chance of getting their dicks wet.

FTFY

Stuckinacubicle		2012-04-27 01:40:09 PM

...no "quicker than Al Bundy" jokes?

/dnrtfa

SageC		2012-04-27 01:43:30 PM

Sounds like he had some competition...
cdn.screenrant.com

you are a puppet		2012-04-27 01:43:58 PM

I think 2 grams is about a joint. My colleague told me that an ounce is about 28 grams. I would assume an ounce is equal to like, 13 joints? Making 2 grams approximately equal to a joint. This might be wholly inaccurate.

OBBN		2012-04-27 01:44:04 PM

Naperville, traveled through it a few times. Speed traps are so famous there I set my cruise control so I don't go over their ridiculously low 45 &35mph speed limits. This guy is a complete tool if he lives there and thought speeding was a good idea.

Calmamity		2012-04-27 01:45:53 PM

replied he was "trying to go have sex with a girl he liked."

Rape.

spentmiles		2012-04-27 01:48:03 PM

OBBN: Naperville, traveled through it a few times. Speed traps are so famous there I set my cruise control so I don't go over their ridiculously low 45 &35mph speed limits. This guy is a complete tool if he lives there and thought speeding was a good idea.

There's a stretch where I live where the rural highway drops from 65 to 25 in the matter of fifty yards. The cops just sit down there and hand out $250 tickets. If I had sworn to uphold the law and then found myself actively participating in a racketeering operation like that, I'd turn my service revolver on myself.

schattenteufel		2012-04-27 01:49:10 PM

Degenerate Monkey: Maybe the girl said she'd give up anal if he could get there in 10 minutes or less.

Just like Domino's

kvinesknows		2012-04-27 01:49:49 PM

JackieRabbit		2012-04-27 01:49:55 PM

you are a puppet: I think 2 grams is about a joint. My colleague told me that an ounce is about 28 grams. I would assume an ounce is equal to like, 13 joints? Making 2 grams approximately equal to a joint. This might be wholly inaccurate.

When I was tokin' the ganj, an ounce of good Colombian red bud tops would yield about 40 joints. Hawaiian sens about 70. The powerful stuff available today would probably yield around 100.

So this kid got popped for doing 111 for his 22 seconds of nookie. We call that a certifiable dumbass.

chookbillion		2012-04-27 01:50:13 PM

Tillmaster: Magorn: Look 111 is stupid but i rememeber being his age too. In specific I remember getting a call one night out of the blue from a hot redhead friend I had been pursuing without any success (we ran with the same friends) for the better part of a year. She said (and this is an exact quote) "Me and (another smoking hot red-headed friend of hers) are here in my room, we're very drunk, and extremely bored and we've decided you need to come and entertain us"

I'm pretty sure my wee Toyota Corolla set some speed records for the model on the way there that night.

And when you got there, they expected you to do Cagney impressions?

Yeah, I want to hear the rest of the story.