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(The Punch)   Australian journalist drinks only Starbucks coffee for three weeks. Finally concludes that it tastes like "run-off from an overweight Greco-Roman wrestler's spandex after a spin class"   (thepunch.com.au) divider line 46
    More: Obvious, Starbucks, cup of coffee, Howard Schultz, Australians, Earl Grey, Bondi Hipsters, Greco-Roman wrestler  
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1086 clicks; posted to Business » on 23 Apr 2012 at 10:58 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-04-23 05:35:08 AM  
I flew to the insufferable, third-world swamps that are Hawaii and Japan



I got that far and stopped reading. The guy comes off as an insufferable douchebag, and that's without reading the entire article.
 
2012-04-23 11:23:15 AM  
Just that statement in the headline alone makes him sound like an insufferable douchebag. I find Starbuck's coffee to be unremarkable and very bitter. What more needs to be said? Its not like the coffee goes out of its way to be disgusting; its just bitter, overpriced coffee. He's trying too hard.
 
2012-04-23 11:24:41 AM  
You might then ask the obvious question: why not just admit you have a problem and go without coffee? Because Earl Grey is for Betty White, green tea is for Bondi Hipsters and hot chocolate is for One Direction.

Look at me, I'm an attention whore douche!
 
2012-04-23 11:29:00 AM  

Sun Worshiping Dog Launcher: I find Starbuck's coffee to be unremarkable and very bitter.


It's a big world. I moved here over 20 years ago. I avoided starbucks like the plague for fifteen of those years just because i was being an anti-corporate obstinate wanker mostly. Then, in some severe pet peeve backlash (MY coffee place stopped offering the smallest sized cup, which really pissed me off. One of the reasons we're fat in this country is the ungodly portions we are steered to by marketers and some farked up sense of 'value') reaction I went to sbux and I'll be damned if I didn't like it. Now if I'm getting coffee on the go I go there almost exclusively. It's hot, consistent, and they have real cream. I'm easy.
 
2012-04-23 11:32:08 AM  

Sun Worshiping Dog Launcher: Just that statement in the headline alone makes him sound like an insufferable douchebag. I find Starbuck's coffee to be unremarkable and very bitter. What more needs to be said? Its not like the coffee goes out of its way to be disgusting; its just bitter, overpriced coffee. He's trying too hard.


The only suitable punishment for over-the-top exaggeration in his (I'm sure he feels) clever little analogy would be for him to carry it out, precisely as described, in reality.

"Go ahead, pal. Drink up. Ok, now that you're better informed, please, compare and contrast."
 
2012-04-23 11:39:52 AM  
It's not very good and over-priced, but at least I tried it before slamming it.

Word to the wise: Don't ever drink *bucks black. Load it up with cream and sugar, so you can't taste the coffee.
 
2012-04-23 11:46:40 AM  
What an Aussie trying too hard to mimic an American d-bag hipster might look like:
www.thepunch.com.au

/nice emo glasses, f*ckhead
 
2012-04-23 11:47:55 AM  
PS and yes, Starbucks tastes like crap. A bit late to the game, pal...
 
2012-04-23 11:49:33 AM  
No one goes to Starbucks for coffee. They go there for warmed milk with flavored sugar and a shot of espresso for color. And it's farking delicious.
 
2012-04-23 11:55:31 AM  
Hey, it tastes better than Community Coffee.
 
2012-04-23 11:55:52 AM  

Lost Thought 00: No one goes to Starbucks for coffee. They go there for warmed milk with flavored sugar and a shot of espresso for color. And it's farking delicious.


Actually I only go there for coffee. Which is why I always find the $5 coffee comments funny. My standard order never hits two bucks.
 
2012-04-23 12:00:31 PM  
starbucks coffee tastes like roasted asshole. Dunkin Donuts is where its at.

Y U NO HAVE WEST COAST DUNKIN DONUTS?!
 
2012-04-23 12:02:45 PM  

SacriliciousBeerSwiller: What an Aussie trying too hard to mimic an American d-bag hipster might look like:
[www.thepunch.com.au image 80x80]

/nice emo glasses, f*ckhead


A remarkably punchable face.
 
2012-04-23 12:09:23 PM  
EVERYONE who knows good coffee already knows that Starbucks tastes vile. He could have bought a small coffee maker and made it himself for all the whining he did.
 
2012-04-23 12:10:15 PM  

Eating Old People to Save Social Security: starbucks coffee tastes like roasted asshole. Dunkin Donuts is where its at.


Good lord, if there's one coffee that's more overrated than Starbucks, it's Dunkin' Donuts. I can get coffee as good as DD at any Gas Station or 7-11.

I really wanted to like DD after hearing all the hype, when I finally had some, my immediate reaction was "That's it?" I have a theory that people's love of DD Coffee is more of a NE Geographical Pride thing than it is actually due to the actual taste of the stuff.
 
2012-04-23 12:12:22 PM  

Sun Worshiping Dog Launcher: its just bitter, overpriced coffee. He's trying too hard.


They actually have three different levels of "roast" now. I like Starbucks Coffee fine. I don't go out of my way to drink or avoid it.

But I don't really get the "Overpriced" thing. At mine the biggest size is probably around two bucks, a similar sized coffee at any gas station or fast food place is at most a quarter cheaper.
 
2012-04-23 12:15:34 PM  
I don't understand when people say "Starbucks" as if it's one kind of coffee. They now have three separate roasts and maybe you just hate that kind of coffee, try something different. Personally, I hate the Italian and French roasts, they're too burnt. Some people love it.

I know it's fun and all to dump on Starbucks, but geez, if you think you're getting better coffee at a gas station, then you probably don't really like coffee all that much.

/generally drink one large coffee with 2 shots of espresso in it
//Starbucks calls this a black eye, and I've never understood the reference.
 
2012-04-23 12:17:09 PM  

Delawheredad: EVERYONE who knows good coffee already knows that Starbucks tastes vile. He could have bought a small coffee maker and made it himself for all the whining he did.


Agreed- The Aeropress has made my coffee away from home quite enjoyable.
Link
 
2012-04-23 12:19:34 PM  

The Homer Tax: Eating Old People to Save Social Security: starbucks coffee tastes like roasted asshole. Dunkin Donuts is where its at.

Good lord, if there's one coffee that's more overrated than Starbucks, it's Dunkin' Donuts. I can get coffee as good as DD at any Gas Station or 7-11.

I really wanted to like DD after hearing all the hype, when I finally had some, my immediate reaction was "That's it?" I have a theory that people's love of DD Coffee is more of a NE Geographical Pride thing than it is actually due to the actual taste of the stuff.


If you're of a certain age DDs is basically all we (in the Northeast) had while growing up, too, so there is a fair bit of rosey colored glasses going on as well. There is also the whole "Dunkin Donuts is the blue collar man's coffee" mentality as well. No self respecting construction worker is going to wait in line at Starbucks for his venti chai latte
 
2012-04-23 12:25:03 PM  
In an Australian Starbucks:
Patron: I'll have a Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice

Barista: Be-ah?


I think I just found something to love about Australia.
 
2012-04-23 12:26:20 PM  

WhackingDay: /generally drink one large coffee with 2 shots of espresso in it
//Starbucks calls this a black eye, and I've never understood the reference.


I don't know if it's a reference to anything. I always knew a coffee with one shot of espresso to be called a "Red Eye," I would imagine it's just a continuation of that theme, if one shot is a red eye, then two is a Black eye...
 
2012-04-23 12:32:45 PM  
Yeah, a "red eye" makes sense, you're really tired, have red eyes, need the extra jolt, etc. Black eye... is supposed to punch me in the face?

Anyway... I also use an Aeropress at home, quite a lot like a standard red eye. Eats through coffee beans though. Maybe that's really the problem people have, they're too used to weak coffee.
 
2012-04-23 01:16:41 PM  

The Homer Tax: They actually have three different levels of "roast" now.


I had no idea. I'll give it a shot again.
 
2012-04-23 01:23:49 PM  
I traveled all over the world and enjoyed many different kinds of coffee, and in all honesty most taste the same because most come from the same places. The variations come from they add to it.

Now weasel coffee....that comes from a different place all together...
 
2012-04-23 02:19:46 PM  

WhackingDay: I don't understand when people say "Starbucks" as if it's one kind of coffee. They now have three separate roasts and maybe you just hate that kind of coffee, try something different. Personally, I hate the Italian and French roasts, they're too burnt. Some people love it.


Italian is my favorite. That's what I make at home. This is why choices are good.
 
2012-04-23 02:25:29 PM  
Australian food critic? Not what I'd call a source worth following. Same goes for anyone from a country in which "bloke" or "pensioner" are common terms.
 
2012-04-23 02:38:51 PM  

Lost Thought 00: No one goes to Starbucks for coffee. They go there for warmed milk with flavored sugar and a shot of espresso for color. And it's farking delicious.


The salted caramel frappucino that they had last fall was great. Unfortunately they were about a thousand calories each.
 
2012-04-23 03:17:22 PM  
He was in the land of Kona coffee and went to Starbucks every day instead of a local coffee shop. Idiot.
 
2012-04-23 03:32:47 PM  

WhackingDay: Yeah, a "red eye" makes sense, you're really tired, have red eyes, need the extra jolt, etc. Black eye... is supposed to punch me in the face?

Anyway... I also use an Aeropress at home, quite a lot like a standard red eye. Eats through coffee beans though. Maybe that's really the problem people have, they're too used to weak coffee.


Yes, a "red eye" is drip coffee with a single shot of espresso. A "black eye" has two. I once went to a place that had a "purple eye," that had - you guessed it - three shots. I once had a coworker who had previously been at a coffee shop that had a drink called a "911," where they filled one half of the cup with drip coffee, and the other with espresso.

How does the Aeropress compare with a French press in terms of the coffee it makes? I would think the disposable filter absorbs some of the oils.
 
2012-04-23 03:41:11 PM  
Hawaii grows coffee right on the islands! Seems like he should be able to find something better than Starbucks given that the plant is cultivated on the Hawaiian islands. Most hotels I've stayed at have coffee machines. The local Safeway should stock plenty of the stuff. His whining is like complaining that his McDonald's burger isn't up to par with a high end restaurant or even a burger you can cook for yourself, both of which are going to be arguably tastier than mass produced fast food. Starbucks is fast food, not gourmet quality fare.

Also, Hawaii is hardly an insufferable third world swamp. I lived in Honolulu for three years. The beaches are beautiful and the weather is nice. Never too hot, a gentle breeze most days and lots of sun. He should come to south Texas if he wants swamp. It's hotter and quite humid. Florida probably also qualifies and is much more swampy, what with the Everglades. I've never been there though. The nastiest swampiest place I've ever been to was South Carolina.

He's just a lazy, petulant whiner. If you can't get good coffee in a place that grows the stuff, you're just plain lazy.
 
2012-04-23 03:45:20 PM  
I never really got the Starbucks hate. If you don't like it, don't go there. But to save everybody some time, I'll address the common themes in every Starbucks thread.

Worst Coffee Ever - It's not the worst coffee ever. It's coffee, it's not vile, it's not run off from a wrestlers unitard, it's coffee. They have 19,555 locations, and they didn't get that many from producing swill. If you don't like Starbucks, that's fine. But because you don't like it, doesn't mean everybody shoud hate it too. I don't like sushi, I can't stand it. But if you like it, bon appetit. Enjoy. The fact that you enjoy something I don't, does not diminish me.

Too Corporate - Yeah, it's a corporation, just like most businesses including the hipster vegan free range coffee shop you used to go to before it got cool. Yeah, Starbucks is corporate, but they also pay their employess a decent wage, health benefits and a retirement - something the hipster vegan coffee shop probably doesnt.

There's Too Many Of Them - There's a lot of them, so what? There's a lot of them, to make it easy for the customers to get to. There's a lot of Subways too. So what?

They Force Out the Independant Coffee Shop - No they don't. My town probably has more non-Starbucks coffee places now, than they did before Starbucks came to town. And the ones that were here pre-Starbucks are doing fine.

Dunkin' Doughnuts Rules - I don't think so. For years, I've been hearing this, but since Hawaii doesn't have a DD I had to go to the mainland to try it. I was at Reagan Airport in DC, and it has a small DD. It was okay, but nothing to write home about. It was unremarkable (but not wrestler runoff) so I just don't see what everybody is raving about. But still, if I had to go for a short period of time only drinking DD coffee, I wouldn't throw a fit.
 
2012-04-23 04:46:05 PM  

cyberspacedout:

How does the Aeropress compare with a French press in terms of the coffee it makes? I would think the disposable filter absorbs some of the oils.


It does take away most (if not all) of the oils, however, you don't get any grounds in your coffee. I have mine ground very fine, so you get a pretty strong shot, then add water to your liking. I do think it uses up a lot more coffee though.
 
2012-04-23 05:06:15 PM  
I go to Starbuck's for the espresso. It is almost always top notch. I've only had bad espresso once that I can recall.

/lots of bad espresso out there
//imagine it's a training issue
///slashies
 
2012-04-23 05:23:46 PM  
Australian journalist drinks only Starbucks coffee for three weeks. Finally concludes that it tastes like "run-off from an overweight Greco-Roman wrestler's spandex after a spin class"

So ... just like home then.
 
2012-04-23 06:43:45 PM  
So, Aussie douchebag went to Hawaii and never left the hotel lobby, then whines about it.

Meanwhile, this was just down the road:

www.aroundhawaii.com

Beach Bum Cafe in downtown Honolulu.

100% local: Microbrewed on order: my morning stop.
 
2012-04-23 06:52:37 PM  

kevinfra: burnt ass hair tastes fine to me. What's the big deal?

 
2012-04-23 07:07:03 PM  
The only drinkable coffee at Starbucks is their frappuccino line. Caramel, thanks.

/not carmel, caramel.
 
2012-04-23 07:12:15 PM  
starbucks is about being seen at starbucks and being seen holding a starbucks cup.

they're no different than people who need to wear harley clothes.
 
2012-04-23 10:42:37 PM  
Dear Starbucks,

The other Bruces and I wish to apologise profusely for this deliberately ignorant and pretentious moran. Please remember that he works for a News Corp subsidiary.

Oh look, a Twitter account
 
2012-04-23 11:06:10 PM  
there is only ONE good coffee place....
TIM HORTONS!!!
end of discussion.
 
2012-04-24 01:33:45 AM  

Bathia_Mapes: I flew to the insufferable, third-world swamps that are Hawaii and Japan



I got that far and stopped reading. The guy comes off as an insufferable douchebag, and that's without reading the entire article.


He's being sarcastic - he really means that they aren't third-world swamps, yet the standard of coffee suggests they are. Typical Aussie humor - they call red haired people Bluey.
 
2012-04-24 02:47:34 AM  

luyseyal: I go to Starbuck's for the espresso. It is almost always top notch. I've only had bad espresso once that I can recall.

/lots of bad espresso out there
//imagine it's a training issue
///slashies


Many, if not all, of the Starbucks locations use super-automatic espresso machines, so it's pretty much impossible for the baristas to screw it up. All they do is press a button and the machine grinds, tamps, and pulls the shot. The quality is consistent, but as a coffee drinker once told me, they taste like cardboard.

Compare it to an espresso pulled right on just a regular automatic machine, where the baristas grind and tamp it themselves, and there's just a huge difference in flavor. I've used both while working in coffee shops many years ago. Although I never bothered to research the difference, I would assume the Starbucks machines don't tamp it with as much pressure.
 
2012-04-24 07:31:12 AM  
The best coffee in the world can be had in Spain and from any farking cafe you come across, too. You could go to the shiattiest dive around, ask for cafe con leche and be almost guaranteed a coffee a million times better than anything you ever got or will get from a chain store. And better yet, a) the price will be next to nothing, and b) it's not full of pretentious jerkorfs.
 
2012-04-24 02:09:45 PM  

cyberspacedout: Compare it to an espresso pulled right on just a regular automatic machine, where the baristas grind and tamp it themselves, and there's just a huge difference in flavor -- USUALLY WORSE.


FTFM

In my opinion, espresso should be creamy and smooth. It should not taste "burned", for lack of a better word. (Should probably take a class...) I tend to favor light to medium roasts for regular coffee because I typically want coffee to taste like coffee, not roasting, though I do occasionally enjoy a dark roast. I also like rare beef and all forms off beer except maybe Hefeweisen.

So, it's not a "strength" problem. I love what I consider good espresso.

Good in Austin, at least usually:
Starbucks
Dolce Vita
Russell's Bakery

Meh:
Jo's (do they have ANY coffee that is good??????)
Texenza
Coffee Bean/Tea Leaf
Cupprimo (their cupcakes taste funny, too)

I've been to other coffee houses, but those are the ones I've bothered to try the espresso at off the top of my head.

/was a regular at Mojo's
//likewise Flightpath
///back in the day...
 
2012-04-25 09:40:44 AM  
Hey douchebag, if you're going to complain about the taste of Starbucks' coffee, you may want to actually SAY WHAT IS WRONG WITH IT.

In his self-congratulatory and needlessly wordy writeup he bashed it as being bad, but never actually described his taste experience or what qualities of the coffee he consumed he felt were objectionable. He did not describe the scent, temperature, flavor, texture, after-taste, etc. He did not describe the roast, the strength, the bitterness, or any other of the standard qualities that one would use to describe coffee. He never even said WHAT DRINK HE ORDERED.

I agree that Starbucks is vastly over-rated and its basic regular coffee is not that great. But I can describe my objections: It is over-roasted and overly bitter, as if the preparer assumes you'll be mixing it with a gallon of flavored cream - without which it is not a pleasant taste experience.
 
2012-04-25 02:05:36 PM  
I grind my own every morning and I use Starbucks' French Roast Beans.

I like my coffee strong and a bit bitter.
 
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