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(Guardian)   Ten things not to say to someone with cancer. 'Can I have your stuff?' strangely absent   (guardian.co.uk) divider line 223
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16800 clicks; posted to Main » on 18 Apr 2012 at 3:04 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-04-18 11:58:39 AM
How about "It's not a tumah!".

I used to say that to the distaffbopper all the time when she'd say "X does feel right. What if I have cancer?". It was my standard come-back.

Then one day, she asked me to feel a lump in her neck. sure enough, she had a lump there. So I said "Well, it's probably a goiter, but go to the doctor and get it checked out anyway" instead of my normal Ahnuld comeback. Turns out, it *WAS* a tumor, thyroid cancer to be exact.
 
2012-04-18 12:20:45 PM
10 "I'm so terribly upset about your condition"

Well, when I was diagnosed with cancer, one of my good friends told me it was unfair that I should expect her and my other friends to watch me suffer. She was very terribly upset that my cancer was upsetting them. She then convinced all but one of my friends to pretty much never talk to me again.

I guess what I'm saying is if you felt like bursting into tears at me, it's probably more constructive than what she pulled. Although, as my doctor said, not very uncommon. Spouses and friends tend to leave cancer patients because they can't handle their emotions and feel trapped not being able to release them.
 
2012-04-18 12:38:31 PM
"Can I come round with a fish pie and a Mad Men box set?"

Brits are so weird.
 
2012-04-18 12:40:14 PM
i39.tinypic.com
 
2012-04-18 12:42:02 PM
So, what the heck do you say? Some of those didn't seem that bad.
 
2012-04-18 12:45:24 PM

Mark Ratner: So, what the heck do you say? Some of those didn't seem that bad.


"Hey no worries. Medical knowledge is growing all the time. Not as fast as your tumor is growing, but still."
 
2012-04-18 12:50:21 PM

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: Mark Ratner: So, what the heck do you say? Some of those didn't seem that bad.

"Hey no worries. Medical knowledge is growing all the time. Not as fast as your tumor is growing, but still."


And the author of the article would biatch about you telling her not to worry. "How could he say not to worry? He's treating my cancer like it's the common cold! He's sooooo insensitive!!"
 
2012-04-18 01:02:19 PM

palladiate: Well, when I was diagnosed with cancer, one of my good friends told me it was unfair that I should expect her and my other friends to watch me suffer. She was very terribly upset that my cancer was upsetting them. She then convinced all but one of my friends to pretty much never talk to me again.


I'm going to go out on a limb here and say she wasn't a good friend.

Seriously, why are women often like this? If you had told that story with gender-neutral pronouns, I'm pretty sure that 95% of the people reading it could have correctly guessed which gender your friend was.
 
2012-04-18 01:03:24 PM
"Have you tried Rogaine?"


/ducks
 
2012-04-18 01:07:47 PM

dittybopper: How about "It's not a tumah!".

I used to say that to the distaffbopper all the time when she'd say "X does feel right. What if I have cancer?". It was my standard come-back.

Then one day, she asked me to feel a lump in her neck. sure enough, she had a lump there. So I said "Well, it's probably a goiter, but go to the doctor and get it checked out anyway" instead of my normal Ahnuld comeback. Turns out, it *WAS* a tumor, thyroid cancer to be exact.


Good for you. My mom had a similar experience when she found a lump in an
odd place on her neck and parlayed that into an early diagnosis of NHL.

I do quibble with one thing on the list, though: in my experience, if someone
has cancer and really does look good, they do tend to appreciate being told so. But only if its true.

I tried not to mention anything like that to my mom, but at one point when she
had lost her hair due to chemo, I did have to tell her that while she was the
spitting image of her mother when she had hair, without it she looked eerily
like her father.
 
2012-04-18 01:09:11 PM

palladiate: 10 "I'm so terribly upset about your condition"

Well, when I was diagnosed with cancer, one of my good friends told me it was unfair that I should expect her and my other friends to watch me suffer. She was very terribly upset that my cancer was upsetting them. She then convinced all but one of my friends to pretty much never talk to me again.

I guess what I'm saying is if you felt like bursting into tears at me, it's probably more constructive than what she pulled. Although, as my doctor said, not very uncommon. Spouses and friends tend to leave cancer patients because they can't handle their emotions and feel trapped not being able to release them.


1) HOLY CRAP!
2) you picked some REALLY shiatTY FRIENDS
3) PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me that you punched her in the face? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

seriously, that would be so awesome
 
2012-04-18 01:11:37 PM
"If you do happen to be on the receiving end of "whatever I can do to help", be shameless. Delegate with steely and ruthless intent."
THIS IS FUNNY

the rest just sounds like she is whining about her retarded friends. Sorry that our society does nothing to prepare us for dealing with illness and death. but you knew that your friends were tards when you told them.

1) if you dont like the stupid comments you are going to get, dont tell those people.

2) if people say stupid stuff, tell them "that was stupid" ... or get all upset, stew about it, and then write a nice blog about it

3) sorry that you got the death, but my illness is exactly as bad as yours. OH MY GOD YOUR HAIR fell out?? yawnnnnnnnnnn get over yourself already. life is hard. whatever.

4) you left out the BEST PART. make sure you tell the sick person about that useless story you read about a treatment in india that uses fruit and testicles and cures everything. bwhahahahahahaha


On the other hand, I have found that fellow sufferers often are good for potential knowledge/advice that you might not be up on. While my illness is not the cancer, it is debilitating. Commenting and reading support groups can be very very very very useful.

of course you have to ignore all the tards saying that everything can be cured with a raw food diet and coffee enemas
 
2012-04-18 01:21:46 PM

namatad: seriously, that would be so awesome


No, her life is miserable enough because of who she is.

dittybopper: I'm going to go out on a limb here and say she wasn't a good friend.

Seriously, why are women often like this? If you had told that story with gender-neutral pronouns, I'm pretty sure that 95% of the people reading it could have correctly guessed which gender your friend was.


Who is worse, her for being that way, or my best friend, whose dick she was sucking, for going along with her? Or her fiancee, whom I had known for 15 years and I helped get over her a few dozen times in their on-again, off-again relationship for never talking to me again either? How about my mom who never bothered to drive the 20 minutes from her house to my hospital bed when I was holed up for two weeks as I was fighting a MRSA infection in my heart? She didn't bother to visit our neighbor of 20 years who was in the same hospital, suffering from cancer as well. I hauled my ass around with three IV trees to visit him, but maybe that's because it's because I wanted the company, not just because it was the right thing to do.

So before we throw around the hate, consider that most people are just broken and don't know themselves well enough to see what they're doing.
 
2012-04-18 01:32:34 PM
i.imgur.com
 
2012-04-18 01:32:53 PM

palladiate: Well, when I was diagnosed with cancer, one of my good friends told me it was unfair that I should expect her and my other friends to watch me suffer. She was very terribly upset that my cancer was upsetting them. She then convinced all but one of my friends to pretty much never talk to me again.


You should have given her hell. Probably send her a nasty card every Christmas.

But it sadly is not too uncommon. When my dad was diagnosed with cancer and I was in college. My friends didn't want to think about their own dads dying, so they avoided me on the off chance I might mention it again. When I became withdrawn after my dad's death, one "friend" told me straight out that I did this to keep him from feeling bad. I called him a conceited ass and stopped talking to him after that.

When I say friends, I mean, much of my family as well. fark 'em. (I hear some people's families actually come together when this sorta thing happens.)
 
2012-04-18 01:34:52 PM

palladiate: 10 "I'm so terribly upset about your condition"

Well, when I was diagnosed with cancer, one of my good friends told me it was unfair that I should expect her and my other friends to watch me suffer. She was very terribly upset that my cancer was upsetting them. She then convinced all but one of my friends to pretty much never talk to me again.

I guess what I'm saying is if you felt like bursting into tears at me, it's probably more constructive than what she pulled. Although, as my doctor said, not very uncommon. Spouses and friends tend to leave cancer patients because they can't handle their emotions and feel trapped not being able to release them.


Christ, dude, that sucks. I'm sorry.

/and I hope you're okay now because I enjoy your trolling
 
2012-04-18 01:42:58 PM
My gf died of esophageal cancer last month.... my favourite "stupid comment" moment was when her cousin came into the hospital room and went on and on about how my gf hadn't shave her legs. Even offered to do it for her....
Farking seriously???


//people are stupid
///cancer sucks
 
2012-04-18 01:46:21 PM

Kasira: Christ, dude, that sucks. I'm sorry.

/and I hope you're okay now because I enjoy your trolling


Well thanks! I DO IT JUST FOR YOU!

Actually, this wasn't the worst. My retarded doctor who asked me a year ago, and I quote, "So, that whole cancer thing is over, right?" had been screwing up my levothyroxine dosage for two years. Gained 60 pounds (which you probably noticed at the Charlotte Fark party...) and darn near died from a completely effed metabolism. New doc figured out my problem and has me on enough and some Vitamin D (no parathyroids means very crappy D absorption apparently). 20 pounds to go now.
 
2012-04-18 01:58:46 PM
So, don't say they can beat this, don't say you're sorry, don't ask them what you can do to help, and don't tell them you're upset about their condition.

What the hell am I supposed to say? "Cancer, eh? That sucks."
 
2012-04-18 02:34:30 PM
"You are surrounded by an aura of death and that's disturbing to me."
 
2012-04-18 02:38:46 PM
Cythraul

So, don't say they can beat this, don't say you're sorry, don't ask them what you can do to help, and don't tell them you're upset about their condition.

What the hell am I supposed to say? "Cancer, eh? That sucks."



i'm just going to stare blankly. that seems like the least offensive thing to do
 
2012-04-18 02:44:42 PM
What I got from TFA:

"Don't say anything at all to a cancer patient for fear of upsetting them further."
 
2012-04-18 02:48:04 PM

palladiate: So before we throw around the hate, consider that most people

that you know are just broken and don't know themselves well enough to see what they're doing.

FTFY. Sounds like you got a bunch of real winners around you.
 
2012-04-18 02:55:35 PM

palladiate: Kasira: Christ, dude, that sucks. I'm sorry.

/and I hope you're okay now because I enjoy your trolling

Well thanks! I DO IT JUST FOR YOU!

Actually, this wasn't the worst. My retarded doctor who asked me a year ago, and I quote, "So, that whole cancer thing is over, right?" had been screwing up my levothyroxine dosage for two years. Gained 60 pounds (which you probably noticed at the Charlotte Fark party...) and darn near died from a completely effed metabolism. New doc figured out my problem and has me on enough and some Vitamin D (no parathyroids means very crappy D absorption apparently). 20 pounds to go now.


GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
dont get me started on farked up thyroid levels!! sigh
GRATS on the new doctor.
I swear ... I wish I knew where to even start looking to find a new doctor.
where is HOUSE when you need him??
 
2012-04-18 03:05:20 PM
Hey want to get laid one last time?
 
2012-04-18 03:08:33 PM
I love these "What not to say to whiny people" articles.
 
2012-04-18 03:09:10 PM
"You should take mud baths..."

"Why?"

"To get used to laying in dirt..."
 
2012-04-18 03:10:15 PM
List is Fail without Randy Marsh's "SCORE!"
 
2012-04-18 03:11:53 PM

palladiate: Spouses and friends tend to leave cancer patients because they can't handle their emotions and feel trapped not being able to release them.


i.telegraph.co.uk
 
2012-04-18 03:12:11 PM
A few years back, a friend of mine was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. The first thing I said was "oh man, that sucks. I can have your shiat, right?" We laughed and laughed, then got f*cking obliterated on Midori sours. She said that my reaction was the best out of anyone's.

For the record, it takes a LOT of Midori sours to get f*cked up. So many, in fact, that my tummy hurt for days.
 
2012-04-18 03:12:12 PM
That only works with Gary Gygax.
 
2012-04-18 03:12:20 PM
So...If I can't say any of those things then I don't know what to say at all because those statements communicate the full range of emotional reactions to that kind of thing.

Maybe we shouldn't talk about your cancer then. How 'bout dem Bears?
 
2012-04-18 03:12:29 PM

Slaves2Darkness: Hey want to get laid one last time?


www.hotflick.net

Yes, actually...
 
2012-04-18 03:13:03 PM
"fish pie"

Nothing about the imagery that phrase conjures in my head is good.
 
2012-04-18 03:13:25 PM
"Can you score me some drugs? I'll make it worth your while."
 
2012-04-18 03:13:44 PM

namatad: GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
dont get me started on farked up thyroid levels!! sigh
GRATS on the new doctor.
I swear ... I wish I knew where to even start looking to find a new doctor.
where is HOUSE when you need him??


What... STILL? Holy cow. I know you emailed me like last year warning about getting my dosage just right (I lucked out). I can't believe you're STILL on that merry-go-round!

It's not like you're in the wilds of Central America. You'd think someone could figure out what's going on for you!
 
2012-04-18 03:14:07 PM
Friend of ours was diagnosed with some really aggressive brain tumor last Dec. 5th. We went to a benefit for him on Feb. 11th and he was dead by March 22nd. Same age as me. I never knew what to say because he knew as well as everyone else that he was going to die.
 
2012-04-18 03:14:37 PM
Images aren't rendering for me here at work (sssh!) but has anyone posted that (in)famous "World of Warcraft" screen shot?

Basically someone posts a long tribute to a gamer that died and the Weeners was "Did he drop any good loot?"
 
2012-04-18 03:15:01 PM

TravisBickle62: "Can you score me some drugs? I'll make it worth your while."


I told my friend's mom that I'd come over and get her high after her first chemo. She laughed and told me to shut up. Then, a week later, at like 11pm, my friend called and said "uh, Kel? Can you come get my mom high now?" I did, naturally.
 
2012-04-18 03:15:04 PM
Don't tell cancer patients to feck off and die. It might cause an enrampagement.

www.mytakeradio.com
 
2012-04-18 03:15:54 PM
My father in law has inoperable stage-4 lung cancer, and he jokes about it all the time.
 
2012-04-18 03:16:17 PM

bim1154: Friend of ours was diagnosed with some really aggressive brain tumor last Dec. 5th. We went to a benefit for him on Feb. 11th and he was dead by March 22nd. Same age as me. I never knew what to say because he knew as well as everyone else that he was going to die.


Well, we all are, it is just the timing that surprises us sometimes.
 
2012-04-18 03:18:14 PM
When my kid was two weeks old, he nearly died of MRSA, and the one about "what can I do for you" really is pretty annoying. Offer to watch my dog while I'm at the hospital or feed my husband, but you do really feel like kind of an ass if you actually tell someone what to do.

The other one that got me was "God has a plan for him." I happen to be a pretty religious/spiritual person, but that one just plain pisses me off.
 
2012-04-18 03:19:02 PM
Dont' ask what Chemo feels like?
If my friend gets chemo I'm asking him all about it. I had to listen to his "remeber when I picked up the St Pauly Girl back 1997?" story about eleventy billion times. Well if he gets cancer, you bet your ass I'm finding out all the dirty details.
 
2012-04-18 03:20:01 PM

downstairs: My father in law has inoperable stage-4 lung cancer, and he jokes about it all the time.


ROTFLMAO!

/sorry
 
2012-04-18 03:20:37 PM
I also had a friend who was basically trying to compete with me because her kid was sick at the same time. I wanted to punch her most of the time.
 
2012-04-18 03:21:37 PM

palladiate: namatad: seriously, that would be so awesome

No, her life is miserable enough because of who she is.

dittybopper: I'm going to go out on a limb here and say she wasn't a good friend.

Seriously, why are women often like this? If you had told that story with gender-neutral pronouns, I'm pretty sure that 95% of the people reading it could have correctly guessed which gender your friend was.

Who is worse, her for being that way, or my best friend, whose dick she was sucking, for going along with her? Or her fiancee, whom I had known for 15 years and I helped get over her a few dozen times in their on-again, off-again relationship for never talking to me again either? How about my mom who never bothered to drive the 20 minutes from her house to my hospital bed when I was holed up for two weeks as I was fighting a MRSA infection in my heart? She didn't bother to visit our neighbor of 20 years who was in the same hospital, suffering from cancer as well. I hauled my ass around with three IV trees to visit him, but maybe that's because it's because I wanted the company, not just because it was the right thing to do.

So before we throw around the hate, consider that most people are just broken and don't know themselves well enough to see what they're doing.


White people problems.
 
2012-04-18 03:21:51 PM
It's not contagious, is it?
 
2012-04-18 03:22:08 PM

Cythraul: So, don't say they can beat this, don't say you're sorry, don't ask them what you can do to help, and don't tell them you're upset about their condition.

What the hell am I supposed to say? "Cancer, eh? That sucks."


I found myself wondering this myself. Got a call from my wife, her dad's friend is back in the hospital (Cancer which recently won) She asked me to get a card for him. So, for 20 minutes I stood in front of the get well soon cards thinking. Just WTF do you tell someone with terminal cancer that doesn't come off sounding fake/stupid/insulting?

Finally told her there was no card that was acceptable and to just give him a hug from the family and tell him we're thinking of him.

/Fk cancer, in the ear with a pitch fork.
//have an uncle that has one form of it and going through hell...9k/mth for meds so FK the US Pharma companies as well.
 
2012-04-18 03:22:52 PM

Aidan: namatad: GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
dont get me started on farked up thyroid levels!! sigh
GRATS on the new doctor.
I swear ... I wish I knew where to even start looking to find a new doctor.
where is HOUSE when you need him??

What... STILL? Holy cow. I know you emailed me like last year warning about getting my dosage just right (I lucked out). I can't believe you're STILL on that merry-go-round!

It's not like you're in the wilds of Central America. You'd think someone could figure out what's going on for you!


HAHAH
still ....
we overshot and I went crazy HYPERthyroid ....
we have been lowering my dosage, but WHAT THE fark, it is almost like the thyroid got better ... LOL
I mean I understand that dosing can be tricky, but we are now lower than a year ago, when all the test said that I needed more. (not even a testing problem, same lab, same doctor ....)
stupid meds

glad to hear that you have NOT run into this!!
:D
 
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