Wow. From the pissy tone of that article, I can only assume that the author has an ownership stake in one of those distributors.

Could somebody translate the article into English?

Can't understand that gibberish...

I mean:

Apple screws UK disties, punts just 13,000 iPads to channel

Foxconn-rebrander shifts 3m latest slabs on its own

What the fark does that mean?

Apple neglected the channel when divvying up stocks of the latest iPad, but for those that got their hands on a device the margins were slightly richer than on previous generations.

The channel bully boy confirmed it had shipped three million of the latest-version fondleslab to 12 countries in four days after the 16 March launch.

But in comparison, figures from abacus-stroker and market-watcher Context reveal Apple allocated just 140,000 slates to distributors across Western Europe - including 13,000 in the UK during the same timeframe.

This sounds like MadLibs.

Cybernetic: Wow. From the pissy tone of that article, I can only assume that the author has an ownership stake in one of those distributors.

It's possible the author is just British.

Fondleslab???

Fondleslab McLargehuge?

translate from Gibberish to English --> Yes / No>

Skr: Fondleslab???

Fondleslab McLargehuge?

Well I laughed out loud, thank you sir.

After two paragraphs, I concluded this must be a joke site. Please tell me it is?

I realize that countries that speak the same language develop their own slang and dialect. Hell, even different regions of the same country do this. However, I have to believe that a lot of the insanity of that article was done on purpose. There are articles on Fark all the time from the UK. There might be a word or phrase or two that I have to figure out by context, but c'mon, this was too silly to believe.

In American football, punt != field goal. Thus my confusion.

/It's just, like, three months to minicamp! Whoo!

stuhayes2010: FTA Apple screws UK disties, punts just 13,000 iPads to channel

I didn't understand the headline. Then I read the first two paragraphs and still don't know what the article is about. And I am thinking:


You spawned the farking language...

From an Englishman's perspective... It makes no sense what so ever! Hipster trying to be hip is the best I can offer.

/Oh how I despise Hipsters
//And the Apple community in general..

Tabloid tech-talk. Not a good combo.

Yes I'm pretty sure this is the English version of the Onion. Couldn't understand a word of that.

stuhayes2010: FTA Apple screws UK disties, punts just 13,000 iPads to channel

I didn't understand the headline. Then I read the first two paragraphs and still don't know what the article is about. And I am thinking:


You spawned the farking language...

Except they didn't. The Anglo-Saxons contributed only a little more than about half of what we now call English. Unlike many other modern languages, English didn't come from one country or one nationality, or even one other language. It started life a little over a thousand years ago as a Northern European mongrel of archaic Norse, Anglic, and Germanic tongues, then in 1066 was subordinated under Norman French for a long time, making it into the language we now now.

In any case, The Register is a famously cheeky news organ that doesn't take itself seriously, and you shouldn't either. It deliberately employs the often baffling chatter of celebrity and sports reporting for 'regular' news, but it's only meant for fun.

Aarontology: fondleslab

I think that's the laboratory Michael Jackson had in the basement of Neverland.

No, A fondle slab is the British version of a Masterbatorium.

rocky_howard: Could somebody translate the article into English?

Can't understand that gibberish...

I mean:

Apple screws UK disties, punts just 13,000 iPads to channel

Foxconn-rebrander shifts 3m latest slabs on its own

What the fark does that mean?

Apple neglected the channel when divvying up stocks of the latest iPad, but for those that got their hands on a device the margins were slightly richer than on previous generations.

The channel bully boy confirmed it had shipped three million of the latest-version fondleslab to 12 countries in four days after the 16 March launch.

But in comparison, figures from abacus-stroker and market-watcher Context reveal Apple allocated just 140,000 slates to distributors across Western Europe - including 13,000 in the UK during the same timeframe.

This sounds like MadLibs.

Apple screws UK Distributors, sends just 13,000 iPads to distribution channels.

The company, which sells equipment manufactured by Foxconn, sold 3m tablets through it's own stores.

Apple neglected UK distributors when dividing up and allocating the current batch of goods, but for those that did manage to obtain stock, profit margins were better than on previous models.

Apple confirmed that they had shipped 3m of the touchscreen device to 12 countries in four days after the 16th March release.

But in comparison, figures from market analysts Context sh...this bit doesn't need translating.

BRITISH ENGLISH MOTHERFARKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT.

/British
/The Register was doing it on purpose

I was all hammer and tongs as I realized this news pales beyond the normal cavil of tech speak, one can't help but to have cogitations after such ghastly palaver.

Humorous-Name:
Apple screws UK Distributors, sends just 13,000 iPads to distribution channels.

Oh, distribution channel. I thought he was talking about the English Channel, and something like this:

What, they couldn't write the article in Cockney rhyming slang?

rocky_howard: Could somebody translate the article into English?


Apple are giving priority to their own full retail stores rather than 3rd party distributors and the smaller store-in-stores things. The author of the article is... upset by this.

So upset you'd almost think someone had simultaneously poured a pot of hot tea in his lap, kicked him in the bollocks so hard he can now taste seamen whilst head-butting him for good measure.

rocky_howard: But in comparison, figures from abacus-stroker and market-watcher Context reveal Apple allocated just 140,000 slates to distributors across Western Europe - including 13,000 in the UK during the same timeframe.

This sounds like MadLibs.



... fap?

I love "fondleslabs" as a description of tablets - it perfectly conjures an image of drooling techies touching their fresh hardware like the apes in 2001 worshipped the monolith.

After hearing fondleslab it's almost impossible to think of anyone's interaction with a tablet PC to be anything less than sexual.

I am an American &

rocky_howard: Could somebody translate the article into English?

Can't understand that gibberish...

I mean:

Apple screws UK disties, punts just 13,000 iPads to channel

Foxconn-rebrander shifts 3m latest slabs on its own

What the fark does that mean?

Apple neglected the channel when divvying up stocks of the latest iPad, but for those that got their hands on a device the margins were slightly richer than on previous generations.

The channel bully boy confirmed it had shipped three million of the latest-version fondleslab to 12 countries in four days after the 16 March launch.

But in comparison, figures from abacus-stroker and market-watcher Context reveal Apple allocated just 140,000 slates to distributors across Western Europe - including 13,000 in the UK during the same timeframe.

This sounds like MadLibs.

King Keepo: I love "fondleslabs" as a description of tablets - it perfectly conjures an image of drooling techies touching their fresh hardware like the apes in 2001 worshipped the monolith.

After hearing fondleslab it's almost impossible to think of anyone's interaction with a tablet PC to be anything less than sexual.

Only 5 pounds per tablet (fondleslab)? Yikes.
"Apple has publicly stated it is a consumer company and customer acquisition is a priority," said an Apple reseller.
Basically, Apple telling its distributors it doesn't need them because it can get customers on its own?
We should have a contest to come up with the best headline in Variety-speak for this article.

Reading the article makes me think of this...

"There was me, that is Alex, and my three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie, and Dim, and we sat in the Korova Milkbar trying to make up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening. The Korova milkbar sold milk-plus, milk plus vellocet or synthemesc or drencrom, which is what we were drinking. This would sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence. "

Haha! TFA rogered the boogley!

rocky_howard: Could somebody translate the article into English?

Can't understand that gibberish...

I mean:

Apple screws UK disties, punts just 13,000 iPads to channel

Foxconn-rebrander shifts 3m latest slabs on its own

What the fark does that mean?

Apple neglected the channel when divvying up stocks of the latest iPad, but for those that got their hands on a device the margins were slightly richer than on previous generations.

The channel bully boy confirmed it had shipped three million of the latest-version fondleslab to 12 countries in four days after the 16 March launch.

But in comparison, figures from abacus-stroker and market-watcher Context reveal Apple allocated just 140,000 slates to distributors across Western Europe - including 13,000 in the UK during the same timeframe.

This sounds like MadLibs.

Came to say this. I seriously hate English slang. English motherfarkers, do you speak it?

Apparently not.

Actually, I like the term "fondleslab" for iPad. It's a better descriptor for how stupid people look while fingering their tablets.

I does enjoy my fondleslab while enjoying my breakfast O my brothers, munching away at eggiwegs, and lomticks of toast and lovely steakiwegs...

Mantour: [www.pochoblog.com image 500x376]

My father was once fond of saying, "Of *course* I'm British! Why, if I was any *more* British, I couldn't speak at all!"