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(New Scientist)   With the Hand: A history of masturbation   (newscientist.com) divider line 57
    More: Spiffy  
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6435 clicks; posted to Geek » on 11 Apr 2012 at 8:41 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-04-11 08:43:42 AM
I'll be in my bunk . . . "reading."
 
2012-04-11 08:49:46 AM

The onanists at Wikipedia seem decidedly interested in this history. I expect them to engage in furious reference adding to this scholarly tome. One random wiki quote:

The ancient Indian Hindu text Kama Sutra explains in detail the best procedure to masturbate; "Churn your instrument with a lion's pounce: sit with legs stretched out at right angles to one another, propping yourself up with two hands planted on the ground between in them, and it between your arms".
 
2012-04-11 08:52:10 AM
Self-rape should be a crime!

/I've been watching way too much SVU
 
2012-04-11 08:56:36 AM

From the book description at Amazon:

"Women usually do it at home. Men, it sometimes seems, do it everywhere."
 
2012-04-11 09:07:54 AM
FTFA:

Given the lack of previous exploratory literature about masturbation, it becomes the seminal text on the subject almost by default - but it deserves to hold that baton firmly on its own strengths.


/giggle
 
2012-04-11 09:17:07 AM

HairBolus: The onanists at Wikipedia seem decidedly interested in this history. I expect them to engage in furious reference adding to this scholarly tome. One random wiki quote: The ancient Indian Hindu text Kama Sutra explains in detail the best procedure to masturbate; "Churn your instrument with a lion's pounce: sit with legs stretched out at right angles to one another, propping yourself up with two hands planted on the ground between in them, and it between your arms".


That would be one hell of a workout.
 
2012-04-11 09:26:16 AM
Not much of a history. I'm pretty sure I invented it.
 
2012-04-11 09:33:18 AM

Crewmannumber6: Not much of a history. I'm pretty sure I invented it.


Liar! I invented it.
 
2012-04-11 09:43:07 AM
Nice "use" of tag, though.
 
2012-04-11 09:46:34 AM
Why not a "weeners" tag, subby?

"stiffy" would have been appropriate.
 
2012-04-11 09:49:46 AM
I'm masturbating right now to a picture of Ray Walston, so I'm really getting a kick...
 
2012-04-11 09:56:21 AM

Mr. Potatoass: I'm masturbating right now to a picture of Ray Walston, so I'm really getting a kick...


Whoa, that's, like, championship level gay.
 
2012-04-11 09:57:01 AM
The headline should have said something about the history of Fark.

/Why yes, I did submit this with a better headline.
 
2012-04-11 09:57:36 AM

neversubmit: Self-rape should be a crime!


Did you see what I was wearing? I was asking for it and I loved it.
 
2012-04-11 10:29:51 AM
 
2012-04-11 10:32:46 AM

Baryogenesis: One reason why humans are special and unique: We masturbate. A lot (new window)


I guarantee I'm more special and unique than anyone in this thread.

/or on Fark
//or the whole interwebz!
 
2012-04-11 10:37:06 AM

Baryogenesis: One reason why humans are special and unique: We masturbate. A lot (new window)


So what does that make this walrus? (new window)
 
2012-04-11 10:38:11 AM
i249.photobucket.com
 
2012-04-11 10:42:36 AM

HairBolus: The onanists at Wikipedia seem decidedly interested in this history. I expect them to engage in furious reference adding to this scholarly tome. One random wiki quote: The ancient Indian Hindu text Kama Sutra explains in detail the best procedure to masturbate; "Churn your instrument with a lion's pounce: sit with legs stretched out at right angles to one another, propping yourself up with two hands planted on the ground between in them, and it between your arms".


If I'm understanding that right, it means that the guy would be sliding his junk inbetween his forearms. Unless I'm missing something, that sounds kinda unsatisfying compared to the usual methods.
 
2012-04-11 10:45:43 AM

summersa74: Crewmannumber6: Not much of a history. I'm pretty sure I invented it.

Liar! I invented it.


On a serious note, I'm sure we all discovered it in our own ways. I think I was 6 or 7 when I discovered what a little touch can do. I've been a hand-a-holic ever since.
 
2012-04-11 10:47:11 AM

QT_3.14159: FTFA: Given the lack of previous exploratory literature about masturbation, it becomes the seminal text on the subject almost by default - but it deserves to hold that baton firmly on its own strengths.


Also the author mentioned at least twice how the book felt like the author was, shall we say, 'rushing through it like he was just trying to get it over with' before ending it with that zinger.

But I guess you can't really fault him for that. I mean really, writing about that subject matter without making at least one wise-crack would be almost impossible.
 
2012-04-11 10:48:38 AM
Who knew history could feel so good?
 
2012-04-11 10:55:45 AM
Cums with a free CD

www.aboutonehandtyping.com
 
2012-04-11 11:45:46 AM
I probably hold the world record for the cleanest prostate.

HairBolus: From the book description at Amazon: "Women usually do it at home. Men, it sometimes seems, do it everywhere."


I once did it at work. I was shadowing at the office so I could learn the ropes. The boss's hot, blonde 19 year old niece was there filing paperwork. I was sitting at a desk in the back office when she came in and leaned across me to grab a file. I was pretty much done for the day, but couldn't leave since I was on the clock. So I entered the restroom in the back, and fired away.
 
2012-04-11 11:51:44 AM

DubyaHater: I probably hold the world record for the cleanest prostate.

HairBolus: From the book description at Amazon: "Women usually do it at home. Men, it sometimes seems, do it everywhere."

I once did it at work. I was shadowing at the office so I could learn the ropes. The boss's hot, blonde 19 year old niece was there filing paperwork. I was sitting at a desk in the back office when she came in and leaned across me to grab a file. I was pretty much done for the day, but couldn't leave since I was on the clock. So I entered the restroom in the back, and fired away.


Who here hasn't fired one off at work. Weekends can get pretty slow...I've got time.
 
2012-04-11 12:31:25 PM

Baryogenesis: One reason why humans are special and unique: We masturbate. A lot (new window)


That's not unique to humans. Lots of mammals masturbate.


FTFA: Van Driel has produced an enthusiastic, amusing and eye-opening exploration

Heh, heh; the one-eyed trouser snake opens his eye when I masturbate.
 
2012-04-11 12:40:30 PM
FTA: Van Driel points out that one British medical journal went so far as to suggest placing a bird cage over the genitals to remove temptation to masturbate

I suppose that might work, if they left the chicken in the cage.
 
2012-04-11 01:05:18 PM

FloydA: FTA: Van Driel points out that one British medical journal went so far as to suggest placing a bird cage over the genitals to remove temptation to masturbate

I suppose that might work, if they left the chicken in the cage.


That'd give a whole new meaning to cock fighting...
 
2012-04-11 01:47:52 PM
farm4.staticflickr.com
 
2012-04-11 01:56:45 PM

HopScotchNSoda: Baryogenesis: One reason why humans are special and unique: We masturbate. A lot (new window)

That's not unique to humans. Lots of mammals masturbate.


The article points out a significant difference.
 
2012-04-11 03:10:09 PM

MoronLessOff: DubyaHater: I probably hold the world record for the cleanest prostate.

HairBolus: From the book description at Amazon: "Women usually do it at home. Men, it sometimes seems, do it everywhere."

I once did it at work. I was shadowing at the office so I could learn the ropes. The boss's hot, blonde 19 year old niece was there filing paperwork. I was sitting at a desk in the back office when she came in and leaned across me to grab a file. I was pretty much done for the day, but couldn't leave since I was on the clock. So I entered the restroom in the back, and fired away.

Who here hasn't fired one off at work. Weekends can get pretty slow...I've got time.


I work at a college campus...this is a daily occurrence...
 
2012-04-11 03:27:13 PM

RatMaster999: MoronLessOff: DubyaHater:

Who here hasn't fired one off at work. Weekends can get pretty slow...I've got time.

I work at a college campus...this is a daily occurrence...


From what I've heard supposedly from big rig drivers with their elevated view on traffic, some guys work on it during the commute to and from work.
 
2012-04-11 03:33:54 PM

HairBolus: RatMaster999: MoronLessOff: DubyaHater:

Who here hasn't fired one off at work. Weekends can get pretty slow...I've got time.

I work at a college campus...this is a daily occurrence...

From what I've heard supposedly from big rig drivers with their elevated view on traffic, some guys work on it during the commute to and from work.


Not on my commute, but I've done this on a long back road drive once just to see if it could be done. Yes...but I wouldn't recommend it.
 
2012-04-11 05:20:31 PM
www.meh.ro
 
2012-04-11 07:24:38 PM
I must complain about the lack of Portnoy.
 
2012-04-11 07:40:32 PM
Egyptian Pharaohs were at one time required to masturbate ceremonially into the Nile.
(It's good to be the king!)
`
As late as the seventeenth century in Europe
masturbation was commonly employed by
nannies to put their young male charges to
sleep.
(See guys this could have been a warm and spunkie part of our childhood too!)
`
`
And once again the bible thumpers screwed it up for every one else.
`
Dutch theologian Dr. Balthazar Bekker, wrote "Onania, or the Heinous
Sin of self-Pollution, And All Its Frightful
Consequences, In Both Sexes, Considered: With Spiritual and Physical Advice To Those Who Have Already Injured Themselves By This
Abominable Practice."
It drew on familiar
themes of sin and vice, this time in particular
against the "heinous sin" of "self-pollution", with dire warnings that those who so indulged would suffer:
`
Disturbances of the stomach and digestion,
loss of appetite or ravenous hunger, vomiting,
nausea, weakening of the organs of breathing,
coughing, hoarseness, paralysis, weakening of
the organ of generation to the point of
impotence, lack of libido, back pain, disorders
of the eye and ear, total diminution of bodily
powers, paleness, thinness, pimples on the
face, decline of intellectual powers, loss of
memory, attacks of rage, madness, idiocy,
epilepsy, fever and finally suicide.
`
And as usual their 'reason' for why it was bad is based on hyperbole and deliberate falsehoods mixed with out right lies.
Outlaw Religion and the world will be a better place.
 
2012-04-11 07:53:03 PM
I'll be in my bunk.
 
2012-04-11 08:02:20 PM
We're easy.
Just touch it.
 
2012-04-11 08:02:33 PM

MoronLessOff: HairBolus: RatMaster999: MoronLessOff: DubyaHater:

Who here hasn't fired one off at work. Weekends can get pretty slow...I've got time.

I work at a college campus...this is a daily occurrence...

From what I've heard supposedly from big rig drivers with their elevated view on traffic, some guys work on it during the commute to and from work.

Not on my commute, but I've done this on a long back road drive once just to see if it could be done. Yes...but I wouldn't recommend it.


I don't recommend it behind the wheel for obvious safety reasons. But it's totally great.
 
2012-04-11 08:04:39 PM

Boatmech: Outlaw Religion and the world will be a better place.


I wouldn't bet on it.
 
2012-04-11 08:13:33 PM
well don't that just beat all
 
2012-04-11 08:29:27 PM
► Sylvia_Bandersnatch
Smartest
Funniest
2012-04-11 08:04:39 PM
Boatmech: Outlaw Religion and the world will
be a better place.
I wouldn't bet on it.
`
I would.
 
2012-04-11 08:43:04 PM

Boatmech: ► Sylvia_Bandersnatch
Smartest
Funniest
2012-04-11 08:04:39 PM
Boatmech: Outlaw Religion and the world will
be a better place.
I wouldn't bet on it.
`
I would.


What I find ironic about this suggestion is that it seems to rely on the notion that religion is some kind of evil, and if we could just purge it from the earth everything would be better. That sounds awfully familiar.
 
2012-04-11 08:55:58 PM

Sylvia_Bandersnatch: MoronLessOff: HairBolus: RatMaster999: MoronLessOff: DubyaHater:

Who here hasn't fired one off at work. Weekends can get pretty slow...I've got time.

I work at a college campus...this is a daily occurrence...

From what I've heard supposedly from big rig drivers with their elevated view on traffic, some guys work on it during the commute to and from work.

Not on my commute, but I've done this on a long back road drive once just to see if it could be done. Yes...but I wouldn't recommend it.

I don't recommend it behind the wheel for obvious safety reasons. But it's totally great.


I don't recommend it in front of the wheel, for obvious anatomical reasons!
 
2012-04-11 09:34:03 PM
Sylvia_Bandersnatch
Boatmech:
► Sylvia_Bandersnatch
Boatmech: Outlaw Religion and the world will
be a better place.
I wouldn't bet on it.
`
I would.
`
What I find ironic about this suggestion is that it seems to rely on the notion that religion is some kind of evil , and if we could just purge it from the earth everything would be better. That sounds awfully familiar.
`
Catholics and their pedo priests.
Islam - The Religion of Peace(tm)/convert or die!
Judaism - absolute stupidity codified in one huge pile of BS. Kosher my ass, either shut-up and eat or starve.
My all-time favorite is "You are forbidden from doing 'X' because MY skydaddy said so" and let's face it religion has done more harm and killed more people than Pol Pot or Russia's 'Great Leap Forward'.
The only thing worse than organized Religion is Anti-intellectualism.
 
2012-04-11 09:52:26 PM
"The Hand of the King".

*pause*

Now that sounds so wrong, all of a sudden....
 
2012-04-11 09:57:22 PM

Boatmech: Sylvia_Bandersnatch
Boatmech:
► Sylvia_Bandersnatch
Boatmech: Outlaw Religion and the world will
be a better place.
I wouldn't bet on it.
`
I would.
`
What I find ironic about this suggestion is that it seems to rely on the notion that religion is some kind of evil , and if we could just purge it from the earth everything would be better. That sounds awfully familiar.
`
Catholics and their pedo priests.
Islam - The Religion of Peace(tm)/convert or die!
Judaism - absolute stupidity codified in one huge pile of BS. Kosher my ass, either shut-up and eat or starve.
My all-time favorite is "You are forbidden from doing 'X' because MY skydaddy said so" and let's face it religion has done more harm and killed more people than Pol Pot or Russia's 'Great Leap Forward'.
The only thing worse than organized Religion is Anti-intellectualism.


Yeah, but you seem to believe that religion is a source of evil, when the opposite is just as likely. The history of religion has definitely hit the high score on all the douche machines in the evil arcade, but it's got no monopoly on evil. I don't think there's any reason to assume either that religion is inherently bad, or that getting rid of it will get rid of evil.

The irony is that if getting rid of religion would get rid of evil, then that actually suggests that religion has been right all along. And I don't believe that, either. I think if you get rid of religion -- which I don't believe is even possible, since it's apparently hardwired in our brains -- we'll just come up with equally creative ways to be douchy to each other.
 
2012-04-11 10:25:15 PM
I presume this book will be offered in braille?
 
2012-04-11 11:12:17 PM

Sylvia_Bandersnatch: Yeah, but you seem to believe that religion is a source of evil, when the opposite is just as likely. The history of religion has definitely hit the high score on all the douche machines in the evil arcade, but it's got no monopoly on evil. I don't think there's any reason to assume either that religion is inherently bad, or that getting rid of it will get rid of evil.

The irony is that if getting rid of religion would get rid of evil, then that actually suggests that religion has been right all along. And I don't believe that, either. I think if you get rid of religion -- which I don't believe is even possible, since it's apparently hardwired in our brains -- we'll just come up with equally creative ways to be douchy to each other.


The source of evil...actually, yes. Without religion, which purports to mystically know of a higher moral authority, there would be no 'evil' as it is understood, i.e., a force in and of itself. People would be forced to confront the fact that 'good' and 'evil' are constructs and whatever we do to each other, we do ourselves. Like Carlin said when talking about voices in your head that tell you to kill people, "Don't these voices ever tell people to take out their dicks on the merry-go-round? Actually, some people do take their dicks out on the merry-go-round, but usually it's their own idea." People would have to give up the notion that sky daddy tells them to hate certain people and realize that they hate them for no reason other than their intolerance.

I really have to agree that over all, no religion would be better for society. Deal with what's here, now. Don't shiat on it because this is just the dry run for the 'real' life in eternity.

Will people still be douchey? Absolutely. But it would be undeniable that it was their own idea.

Maybe Patton is right, and without religion to stifle our most base animal impulses, civilization would get no further than a giant hairy dude saying, "I think I'll have rape for dinner." But at this point, after all humans have accomplished--in spite of religious leaders trying to cockblock scientific inquiry--if that's the best we can do, then fark it, we don't deserve to go on.

Personally, I think the the greatest argument for god's incompetence is our lack of telepathy. If someone was in pain, you would feel it too and be compelled to help them, as much to end your own vicarious pain as to end theirs. Lying would be impossible, as would the perversion that sinks in and makes people bent in their impulses. No one would feel alone. It's such a simple fix, and yet the omnipotent seems to have overlooked it. Well whatever, I'm just drunk and skylarking. Life's a peach and then you pie.
 
2012-04-11 11:20:41 PM
Recent history of masturbation:

about an hour ago.
 
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