A touch late this week; I'm in Kentucky trying to withstand Drew's best efforts to kill my liver.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2012-04-01 to Sat 2012-04-07:

  Toddler drowns in washing machine. But hey, that's the cycle of life    

  ICE operation nails 271 alien arrests. Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know    

  Our father, who art into gay porn, on a USB stick with autoplay. Thy people come, they see your dong, on a screen in front of the brethren    

  Five hurt after De Plane misses DeLand and lands on De Publix    

  Cow gives birth to rare set of triplet calves. Well, medium-rare at any rate    

  Teen passes out in woman's yard after using spice. Woman tells him to get off her lawn, stop folding space    

  Check out the world's quietest place, where just being there is unbearable and can make you hallucinate. Hint: it's not Kirk Cameron's birthday party    

  Final surviving members of elite WW2 commando unit 'The Devil's Brigade' die within 12 hours of each other in same town. Unfortunately leaving the treasure to Baron von Herzenberger    

  Man shot on Connecticut Avenue after getting out of jail. Suspect is described as wearing a monocle and top hat    

  Detroit Robocop statue currently in prototype phase; total economic collapse and dystopian wasteland phase already complete    

  Texas grandma wins tug-of-war with a tornado by hanging on to her grandson's feet as the storm tried to carry him away. The boy is expected to make a full recovery, have a hell of a career in the NBA    


Sports:

  The Big Iacocca, aka The Big Steve Jobs, aka The Big W. Edwards Deming, aka The Shaq Sigma Theory, aka Shaq Ziglar, aka Og Shaqdino, awarded doctorate in leadership    

  Reggie and Cheryl Miller become the first brother and sister to share Hall of Fame honors, penis    

  Ahh, the signs of spring: the sun shining, the birds chirping, and the Indians blowing a 3-run lead in the 9th en route to a historic loss    


Geek:

  Targeted nanoparticles showing success in beating cancer, eating the USS Enterprise    

  Nearby star found to have nine planets. Pluto seen filling out adoption papers    

  Denmark named happiest country as most men start off the morning by nibbling on a Danish    


Entertainment:

  Victoria Beckham says that she represents the average woman. However, she forgot to mention that the average woman she's representing is post-Zombie Apocalypse    

  And the most shocking celebrity revelation of 2012 is... Ashley Olsen's retirement from acting to pursue cocaine full-time    

  New high-end restaurant is designed to feel like being on board a plane -- because when you think 'fine dining experience', eating on a plane is the first thing that's pops into your head    


Politics:

  Sarah Palin to co-host The Today Show. Well, at least the first hour    

  A quantum theory of Romney: By asking Romney how he feels about an issue, you unavoidably affect how he feels about it    

  Mitt Romney runs winPrimary(String location) function on "Maryland", "Wisconsin", and "District of Columbia", making boolean assuredVictory = true    


Business:

  Molson Coors buys Czech brewer StarBev, still trying to produce something almost, but not quite, entirely unlike beer    

  Ferdinand A. Porsche dead at 76. Nothing was the same after 911    

  Judge rules that McDonald's can use toys to promote Happy Meals, since playing with those toys is the only exercise most kids will get all day    
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