If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Cracked)   The nine worst "action stars" of all time   (cracked.com) divider line 38
    More: Fail, David Carradine, human beings, Lynda Carter, Jean Claude Van Damme, D.L. Hughley, Tori Spelling, Fred Williamson, Tom Petty  
•       •       •

27211 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 08 Apr 2012 at 2:01 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2012-04-08 02:47:01 PM
12 votes:

Derwood: No Liam Neeson?



geekonfilm.files.wordpress.com
I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for troll bait, I can tell you I don't have the patience. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you retract from your comment now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.
2012-04-08 04:31:00 PM
6 votes:
I have an Israeli friend who once took on 9 guys who were on angel dust and bearing automatic weapons ... my Israeli friend took them all down in less time than it takes you to read this post.

All while he was eating a falafel sandwich ... he didn't even have to put the down the sandwich, that's how good he is.

I was like "Dude, aren't you even going to put your sandwich down?"

And he was like "There is no need."
2012-04-08 01:53:01 PM
5 votes:
i287.photobucket.com

i287.photobucket.com

i287.photobucket.com

i287.photobucket.com

i287.photobucket.com
2012-04-08 10:00:22 PM
3 votes:

Miss Stein: Primitive Screwhead:

JOE.

DON.

BAKER.


MITCHELL!


Heart pound'n!
Veins clog'n!
2012-04-08 03:00:33 PM
3 votes:

CygnusDarius: Derwood: No Liam Neeson?


[geekonfilm.files.wordpress.com image 500x365]
I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for troll bait, I can tell you I don't have the patience. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you retract from your comment now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill yourelease the Kraken.


Back on topic, where's Lump Beefbroth?
2012-04-08 04:21:07 PM
2 votes:

indarwinsshadow: SockMonkeyHolocaust: SockMonkeyHolocaust: Mugato: I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.

This is because Aikido is one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go.

As an addendum, look at anything that uses Jeet Kun Do or when the guy in Blade III actually busts out an arm bar on a vampire and they are just awesome for moves except the guy who always specializes in wrestling-type moves in Kung Fu movies is always the first to get his ass kicked.

Or one step in Krav. Step one - kick them in the nuts....game over.


I have a good friend in the IDF, and we were sharing drinks in Colombia last year, and I asked him about Krav. And he that he didnt fight unless he had too, because he was going to hurt someone badly, that was how he was trained.

Then he told me about his training "Much of it was was getting beat with sticks and rocks and being able to walk upright at the end"

Nicest guy in the world, but I saw 4 coked up Colombians think they could take the Israeli. It was over in about 90 seconds, and he went back to drinking.
2012-04-08 03:44:36 PM
2 votes:
My vote:

cloudfront.dailybooth.com
2012-04-08 03:20:15 PM
2 votes:
Back on topic, where's Lump Beefbroth?

Are you sure you're not thinking of Slab Bulkhead or Crunch Buttsteak?
2012-04-08 03:00:43 PM
2 votes:
Star Trek didn't have the budget to make the boulder not look like it was made out of paper mache when it landed?
2012-04-08 02:30:07 PM
2 votes:
I don't rightly care that Rudy Ray Moore couldn't fight. That dude was 200 pounds of awesome in a 100-pound capacity leisure suit.


And the end of Death Warrior with Cuneyt Arkin may be among the greatest six minutes ever committed to film.
2012-04-08 01:13:20 PM
2 votes:
They forgot Chuck Norris.
2012-04-08 01:07:08 PM
2 votes:
F*ck you, the Gorn fight is the greatest thing in TV history.
2012-04-08 09:52:17 AM
2 votes:
List fails without Gymkata.

media.weirdworm.com
2012-04-10 01:16:02 AM
1 votes:

spottymax: And we all watched 'Wonder Woman' for those action-packed fighting scenes.


Fully-packed action scenes, you mean.
2012-04-09 03:06:20 PM
1 votes:
1.bp.blogspot.com
2012-04-09 02:59:50 PM
1 votes:
The fact that all nine entries are not Steven Seagal means this list is incorrect.
2012-04-09 11:21:30 AM
1 votes:
"If he wanted, Fred Williamson could kick your ass so hard that nine months after you die, your wife would give birth to his foot. Full-powered Fred Williamson attacks are the second ingredient in Taco Bell ground beef."

That and the "Spaceman Brown-Chocolate Motherfarker" bit had me in stitches for a good fifteen minutes...
2012-04-09 08:22:23 AM
1 votes:

Gordon Bennett: coco ebert: marius2: Number 4 (Turkish guy slapping rocks) was the absolute best thing I've seen all week. If you actually know how to fight, especially if you know how to kick, it can kinda ruin some action movies for you. "Oh man, that was one hell of a crescent kick *rolls eyes*"

You have to see the whole movie, Turkish Star Wars (the actual Turkish title translates to "The Man Who Saved the World"). It's effin' hilarious. I always liked seanbaby's review of it as well. For some reason I can't find it on teh googles.

/turkish
//proud of our deliciously bad sci fi movies


I'm partial to fake Turkish Doctor Who (new window), myself.


I have seen the end of the internet and that is it.

/awesome
2012-04-09 01:32:55 AM
1 votes:

coco ebert: marius2: Number 4 (Turkish guy slapping rocks) was the absolute best thing I've seen all week. If you actually know how to fight, especially if you know how to kick, it can kinda ruin some action movies for you. "Oh man, that was one hell of a crescent kick *rolls eyes*"

You have to see the whole movie, Turkish Star Wars (the actual Turkish title translates to "The Man Who Saved the World"). It's effin' hilarious. I always liked seanbaby's review of it as well. For some reason I can't find it on teh googles.

/turkish
//proud of our deliciously bad sci fi movies



I'm partial to fake Turkish Doctor Who (new window), myself.
2012-04-09 01:00:29 AM
1 votes:

spottymax: And we all watched 'Wonder Woman' for those action-packed fighting scenes.


The article mentions the WW fight scenes being a turn on. Duh. Her doing everything from running or jumping or being gassed was a turn on.

Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that last one.....


Growing up, my older brother and I used to argue a "who'd a won" between Jim Kirk and James West. Hard to root for someone as insufferable as Robert Conrad, plus Kirk was the man.
2012-04-09 12:04:06 AM
1 votes:
An in-depth analysis of Kirk Fu. (new window)

Kirk's Fighting Tips:

For a powerful strike, lace your fingers together and swing them at your opponent's back.

If you are thrown to the ground during a fight, take the opportunity to rest up and plan your next attack-it's just common sense.

When caught in a bear hug, slap both the opponent's ears. Run away while the enemy is reeling in pain.
2012-04-08 11:30:16 PM
1 votes:
CSB time

Back in my undergrad I took a Recycled Cinema class where we watched Turkish Star Wars and since my professor was Persian and spoke Turkish he was able to set up a skype chat with Cuneyt Arkin. Most of the class just fawned over him and the dude seemed like he had an ego the size of those rocks he breaks while training. He barely comprehended our questions and it was an awkward hour and a half. Still a cool guy though. I'd let him take my sister to dinner.

He also said he'd never seen the real Star Wars when they started making the film and only put in SW references halfway through filming when an extra found bootlegged copies and made him sit down to watch it. That helped me make sense of the movie.

/fun class
2012-04-08 11:19:32 PM
1 votes:

MadAzza: Porous Horace: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: I don't rightly care that Rudy Ray Moore couldn't fight. That dude was 200 pounds of awesome in a 100-pound capacity leisure suit.

Totally agree.

And the end of Death Warrior with Cuneyt Arkin may be among the greatest six minutes ever committed to film.

That was brilliant!

StopLurkListen: My least believable action stars:
Undecided:
Jackie Chan. Awesome talent, unsure if all the clownery disqualifies...

Try an early Chan film like Drunken Master.

Good choice. That's probably my favorite Chan movie, but ... hard to say. His talent is undeniable, as is his comic timing. And the DVD extras are almost as entertaining as the movies!


"What do you call that move?" "Nursing a Hangover!"

/love that movie
2012-04-08 09:57:47 PM
1 votes:

Primitive Screwhead:

JOE.

DON.

BAKER.


MITCHELL!
2012-04-08 09:51:34 PM
1 votes:
JOE.

DON.

BAKER.


/speaking of Jon Saxon
//wasn't he in this movie?
2012-04-08 07:09:21 PM
1 votes:

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: vrax: Yeah, exactly. Plus, the thing that always drew me in was that the actors were the stunt men. No stunt and camera trick action movie BS. When you see Jackie Chan fall down the face of that clock tower in Project-A, that's F'n Jackie Chan nearly killing himself:

The Angry Video Game Nerd had a feature on his 10 favorite Jackie Chan stunts.

Looking at them, it's a miracle that he didn't end up killing himself... which he nearly did in that one movie where he fell from a tree, hit his head on a rock, and bled from the ears.


Back in the mid 90's I got to very briefly meet Jackie Chan at the San Francisco premier of Rumble In The Bronx. By that point I'd seen everything he'd been in and was simply amazed at how good and healthy he looked. Being 18 years his junior I felt both humbled and somewhat pathetic.
2012-04-08 05:54:20 PM
1 votes:
Bill Cosby would have made the list if the government had declassified Leanord Parts 1-5.
2012-04-08 04:52:58 PM
1 votes:

indarwinsshadow: And no John Saxon? What the hell? The worst f*cking kung-fu action fighter of all time is John Saxon in Enter the Dragon. He was brutally bad.
[blogs.sundaymercury.net image 378x195]



Let's not even speak of Kareem Abdul Jabbar.
2012-04-08 04:48:49 PM
1 votes:

Flint Ironstag: LawrencePerson: Back on topic, where's Lump Beefbroth?

Are you sure you're not thinking of Slab Bulkhead or Crunch Buttsteak?

Stupid names....


img71.imageshack.us
2012-04-08 04:33:34 PM
1 votes:

theflatline: indarwinsshadow: SockMonkeyHolocaust: SockMonkeyHolocaust: Mugato: I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.

This is because Aikido is one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go.

As an addendum, look at anything that uses Jeet Kun Do or when the guy in Blade III actually busts out an arm bar on a vampire and they are just awesome for moves except the guy who always specializes in wrestling-type moves in Kung Fu movies is always the first to get his ass kicked.

Or one step in Krav. Step one - kick them in the nuts....game over.

I have a good friend in the IDF, and we were sharing drinks in Colombia last year, and I asked him about Krav. And he that he didnt fight unless he had too, because he was going to hurt someone badly, that was how he was trained.

Then he told me about his training "Much of it was was getting beat with sticks and rocks and being able to walk upright at the end"

Nicest guy in the world, but I saw 4 coked up Colombians think they could take the Israeli. It was over in about 90 seconds, and he went back to drinking.


But how often do you see Colombians attack with sticks and rocks?
2012-04-08 04:12:06 PM
1 votes:
Christopher Lambert
Chris Tucker
Shia Labeouf
2012-04-08 03:58:52 PM
1 votes:

James Scameron: -charles bronson


Know you're trolling, but:

filmcharacters.bravehost.com
2012-04-08 03:26:02 PM
1 votes:
I can't read anything written by seanbaby anymore. It's like as soon as he started writing for Cracked, his skill at humor simply evaporated.

/But that's just my opinion.
2012-04-08 02:57:01 PM
1 votes:

swahnhennessy: No one on the internet makes me laugh as consistently as Seanbaby. Out loud, even.


I prefer Miguel

T-Servo: [i151.photobucket.com image 466x310]

Least convincing fight scenes since Howard the Duck.

/Sharon Stone wasn't bad, I guess


I'm watching that movie right now.
2012-04-08 02:54:15 PM
1 votes:
My wife asked "Is Sarah Michelle Geller on there?"

Because we both knew she should have been.
2012-04-08 02:27:26 PM
1 votes:
In Eric Roberts' defense, he couldn't fight because they took his thumb.
2012-04-08 02:11:04 PM
1 votes:
thechive.files.wordpress.com

can destroy 350lb berserkers with her bare hands.
2012-04-08 09:10:11 AM
1 votes:
I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.
 
Displayed 38 of 38 comments

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »






Report