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(Cracked)   The nine worst "action stars" of all time   (cracked.com) divider line 40
    More: Fail, David Carradine, human beings, Lynda Carter, Jean Claude Van Damme, D.L. Hughley, Tori Spelling, Fred Williamson, Tom Petty  
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27211 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 08 Apr 2012 at 2:01 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2012-04-08 02:47:01 PM
5 votes:

Derwood: No Liam Neeson?



geekonfilm.files.wordpress.com
I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for troll bait, I can tell you I don't have the patience. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you retract from your comment now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.
2012-04-08 01:07:08 PM
4 votes:
F*ck you, the Gorn fight is the greatest thing in TV history.
2012-04-08 02:54:15 PM
3 votes:
My wife asked "Is Sarah Michelle Geller on there?"

Because we both knew she should have been.
2012-04-08 01:13:20 PM
3 votes:
They forgot Chuck Norris.
2012-04-08 02:15:35 PM
2 votes:
Side note:

I love "Burn Notice", but I chuckle every time Fiona kicks ass in a fight.
2012-04-09 07:34:40 PM
1 votes:

hbk72777: The reason Fred Williamson Steven Seagal movies suck is because he refuses to job. Job ie lose. The lead always has to lose the first fight or get some kind of beat down. Williamson Seagal won't. He beats down the heel in the middle of the movie, so what's left at the end but lecture us about the environment and play his guitar?


FTFY
2012-04-09 03:06:57 PM
1 votes:
Still waiting for "Remo Williams II - The Adventure Continues"
2012-04-09 09:50:34 AM
1 votes:

Psycoholic_Slag: indarwinsshadow: And no John Saxon? What the hell? The worst f*cking kung-fu action fighter of all time is John Saxon in Enter the Dragon. He was brutally bad.
[blogs.sundaymercury.net image 378x195]


Let's not even speak of Kareem Abdul Jabbar.


But at least he had an excuse. Also, Just about ANY movie with Bruce Lee makes any other action star look at least 2x worse because Bruce Lee was ungodly-levels of awesome.
2012-04-08 10:00:22 PM
1 votes:

Miss Stein: Primitive Screwhead:

JOE.

DON.

BAKER.


MITCHELL!


Heart pound'n!
Veins clog'n!
2012-04-08 08:46:04 PM
1 votes:
I vote we all stop talking in another boring "I hate popular things, I don't even own a TV!" thread, and instead all go out and watch The Raid again. It's a good movie that deserves to make money.
2012-04-08 08:21:50 PM
1 votes:

galactus5000: MadAzza: James Scameron: -bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....

Oh, right, this is another thread where *we hate anyone popular and successful. I keep forgetting.

*actually, that's every thread

Nah, just another one where that douche scameron trolls for bait. Do what I do, put him on block.


Yeah, you guys are right. I'm sorry I fell for it and cluttered up the thread.
2012-04-08 08:00:07 PM
1 votes:
So long as we're discussing best Jackie Chan scenes. I submit I'll Teach You to Adjust to Circumstances (new window), from Fearless Hyena.

And no action movie thread would be complete with out a nod to Tony Jaa and the Restaurant Fight (new window) in The Protector.
2012-04-08 07:05:49 PM
1 votes:

rickycal78: vrax: Porous Horace: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: I don't rightly care that Rudy Ray Moore couldn't fight. That dude was 200 pounds of awesome in a 100-pound capacity leisure suit.

Totally agree.

And the end of Death Warrior with Cuneyt Arkin may be among the greatest six minutes ever committed to film.

That was brilliant!

StopLurkListen: My least believable action stars:
Undecided:
Jackie Chan. Awesome talent, unsure if all the clownery disqualifies...

Try an early Chan film like Drunken Master.

This sequence from Drunken Master II is still one of my favorites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6o9p8yXjr0&feature=related (ignore the stupid dubbing)

I always did love early Jackie Chan movies, his clownery was what made some of his movies. The fight choreography for some of them must have taken forever and a day to get right. Also, Jet Li's earlier Chinese films have some pretty awesome fight scenes as well.


Then I guess you would get a kick out of Jackie Chan up against Jet Li in The Forbidden Kingdom.

/And Donnie Yen doesn't get nearly enough mention, his work in Ip Man is probably the cleanest, most high impact fight choreography I've ever seen
2012-04-08 06:59:35 PM
1 votes:

vrax: Yeah, exactly. Plus, the thing that always drew me in was that the actors were the stunt men. No stunt and camera trick action movie BS. When you see Jackie Chan fall down the face of that clock tower in Project-A, that's F'n Jackie Chan nearly killing himself:


The Angry Video Game Nerd had a feature on his 10 favorite Jackie Chan stunts.

Looking at them, it's a miracle that he didn't end up killing himself... which he nearly did in that one movie where he fell from a tree, hit his head on a rock, and bled from the ears.
2012-04-08 05:47:46 PM
1 votes:
So what makes a good action star and who fills the bill?

My vote goes to Harrison Ford (in his prime; Indiana Jones)
2012-04-08 04:52:05 PM
1 votes:

indarwinsshadow: SockMonkeyHolocaust: SockMonkeyHolocaust: Mugato: I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.

This is because Aikido is one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go.

As an addendum, look at anything that uses Jeet Kun Do or when the guy in Blade III actually busts out an arm bar on a vampire and they are just awesome for moves except the guy who always specializes in wrestling-type moves in Kung Fu movies is always the first to get his ass kicked.

Or one step in Krav. Step one - kick them in the nuts....game over.


N'ah, that's bollocks. If your attacker is bigger than you, or if they're on coke or aggressively drunk, you can't just rely on pain to stop them immediately.

Stomp kick the front of their knee and pop that, and then none of that matters, they won't be coming after you.

/damage, not pain
2012-04-08 04:21:07 PM
1 votes:

indarwinsshadow: SockMonkeyHolocaust: SockMonkeyHolocaust: Mugato: I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.

This is because Aikido is one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go.

As an addendum, look at anything that uses Jeet Kun Do or when the guy in Blade III actually busts out an arm bar on a vampire and they are just awesome for moves except the guy who always specializes in wrestling-type moves in Kung Fu movies is always the first to get his ass kicked.

Or one step in Krav. Step one - kick them in the nuts....game over.


I have a good friend in the IDF, and we were sharing drinks in Colombia last year, and I asked him about Krav. And he that he didnt fight unless he had too, because he was going to hurt someone badly, that was how he was trained.

Then he told me about his training "Much of it was was getting beat with sticks and rocks and being able to walk upright at the end"

Nicest guy in the world, but I saw 4 coked up Colombians think they could take the Israeli. It was over in about 90 seconds, and he went back to drinking.
2012-04-08 04:20:53 PM
1 votes:
And no John Saxon? What the hell? The worst f*cking kung-fu action fighter of all time is John Saxon in Enter the Dragon. He was brutally bad.
blogs.sundaymercury.net
2012-04-08 04:20:30 PM
1 votes:
What, no Reb Brown?


/Roll Fizzlebody
2012-04-08 04:15:37 PM
1 votes:

SockMonkeyHolocaust: SockMonkeyHolocaust: Mugato: I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.

This is because Aikido is one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go.

As an addendum, look at anything that uses Jeet Kun Do or when the guy in Blade III actually busts out an arm bar on a vampire and they are just awesome for moves except the guy who always specializes in wrestling-type moves in Kung Fu movies is always the first to get his ass kicked.


Or one step in Krav. Step one - kick them in the nuts....game over.
2012-04-08 04:14:40 PM
1 votes:

theflatline: James Scameron: -bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....

When you look as good as Bronson did at 54...

[tnation.t-nation.com image 640x426]


One of my favourite movies of all time.The fight against Robert Tessier was well choreographed.
2012-04-08 04:12:28 PM
1 votes:

Marshal805: I can't read anything written by seanbaby anymore. It's like as soon as he started writing for Cracked, his skill at humor simply evaporated.

/But that's just my opinion.



Newsflash: He was never genuinely funny. His whole shtick was just borrowing Dennis Miller's metaphor-abuse act, and tweaking it for fratboys and adolescents.

You just though it was funny when you were younger because you were less sophisticated. Now that you're older you see him for what he is: A one-trick pony with decent writing ability, a thesaurus, and a good memory for pop culture references.

No offense to the guy, but he's the Tim Burton of funny articles.
2012-04-08 04:07:14 PM
1 votes:

thornhill: Then in the end of the 1990s he bulked up and adopted a "I'm too cool for this movie" persona, which I find kinda maddening. And then on top of that, he hasn't chosen his film roles well -- lost of turkeys.


He was in 12 Monkeys. Your argument is invalid.
2012-04-08 04:05:10 PM
1 votes:

Miss Stein: ....Barry Bostwick as Capt. Ace Hunter in Megaforce.

/shudder


DAMN. I forgot about that movie. Saw it when I was twelve and thought it was awesome! Twenty years later I rented it and couldn't believe how much it sucked. That movie made Battle Beyond the Stars look good.
2012-04-08 03:37:32 PM
1 votes:

James Scameron: -bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....


When you look as good as Bronson did at 54...

tnation.t-nation.com
2012-04-08 03:33:22 PM
1 votes:
-bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....
2012-04-08 03:32:00 PM
1 votes:
List fails without James Ryan in Kill and Kill Again.

img.filmous.com

Or the girl from the Breaking Movies.

3.bp.blogspot.com

Or this beaut, right before he was telling his bastard child to sweep Daniel sans leg.

www.moviegoods.com
2012-04-08 03:30:52 PM
1 votes:

thornhill: Mark Wahlberg, no question.

Not only is he an even worse actor than Schwarzenegger, but he has this totally undeserving and unconvincing air to him that he's the coolest guy in the world (George Clooney and Brad Pitt have it, but they can get away with it).




My thoughts EXACTLY.
2012-04-08 03:26:02 PM
1 votes:
I can't read anything written by seanbaby anymore. It's like as soon as he started writing for Cracked, his skill at humor simply evaporated.

/But that's just my opinion.
mhd
2012-04-08 03:20:32 PM
1 votes:
Blaxploitation seems to have been well represented, but don't forget peplum flicks. Most body builders starring in those had worse combat skills than acting chops - and that's setting the bar pretty low.
2012-04-08 03:20:15 PM
1 votes:
Back on topic, where's Lump Beefbroth?

Are you sure you're not thinking of Slab Bulkhead or Crunch Buttsteak?
2012-04-08 03:09:19 PM
1 votes:
Mark Wahlberg, no question.

Not only is he an even worse actor than Schwarzenegger, but he has this totally undeserving and unconvincing air to him that he's the coolest guy in the world (George Clooney and Brad Pitt have it, but they can get away with it).
2012-04-08 03:00:33 PM
1 votes:

CygnusDarius: Derwood: No Liam Neeson?


[geekonfilm.files.wordpress.com image 500x365]
I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for troll bait, I can tell you I don't have the patience. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you retract from your comment now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill yourelease the Kraken.


Back on topic, where's Lump Beefbroth?
2012-04-08 02:48:28 PM
1 votes:
My least believable action stars:

Nicholas Cage.
Liam Neeson. (at current age)
Sean Connery at any age, sorry, not believable.

The most believable action stars:
Matt Damon (any Bourne movie)
Jason Statham
Jet Li

Undecided:
Jackie Chan. Awesome talent, unsure if all the clownery disqualifies...
2012-04-08 02:34:45 PM
1 votes:

TravisBickle62: Derwood: No Liam Neeson?

Liam was a full-contact karate champion long before he went into acting


He could box pretty well, too, if I'm not mistaken.
2012-04-08 02:30:58 PM
1 votes:

Derwood: No Liam Neeson?


Liam was a full-contact karate champion long before he went into acting
2012-04-08 02:28:14 PM
1 votes:
No Liam Neeson?
2012-04-08 02:19:50 PM
1 votes:
If I had a nickel every time I was forced to watch some wispy bachelor or ditzy debutante pound an opponent with at least a hundred pounds on them, I wouldn't have to work any more.
2012-04-08 09:52:17 AM
1 votes:
List fails without Gymkata.

media.weirdworm.com
2012-04-08 09:51:47 AM
1 votes:
Number 4 (Turkish guy slapping rocks) was the absolute best thing I've seen all week. If you actually know how to fight, especially if you know how to kick, it can kinda ruin some action movies for you. "Oh man, that was one hell of a crescent kick *rolls eyes*"
 
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