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(Cracked)   The nine worst "action stars" of all time   (cracked.com) divider line 202
    More: Fail, David Carradine, human beings, Lynda Carter, Jean Claude Van Damme, D.L. Hughley, Tori Spelling, Fred Williamson, Tom Petty  
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27211 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 08 Apr 2012 at 2:01 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-04-09 01:28:07 AM

theflatline: James Scameron: -bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....

When you look as good as Bronson did at 54...



[tnation.t-nation.com image 640x426]


i look better...and i have 60 years to go


BY THE WAY EVERYONE,LOOKING GOOD AT 54 MAKES YOU AN AWESOME ACTION STAR

your douchtatilian logic makes you an epic fail
 
2012-04-09 01:32:55 AM

coco ebert: marius2: Number 4 (Turkish guy slapping rocks) was the absolute best thing I've seen all week. If you actually know how to fight, especially if you know how to kick, it can kinda ruin some action movies for you. "Oh man, that was one hell of a crescent kick *rolls eyes*"

You have to see the whole movie, Turkish Star Wars (the actual Turkish title translates to "The Man Who Saved the World"). It's effin' hilarious. I always liked seanbaby's review of it as well. For some reason I can't find it on teh googles.

/turkish
//proud of our deliciously bad sci fi movies



I'm partial to fake Turkish Doctor Who (new window), myself.
 
2012-04-09 01:33:59 AM

MadAzza: galactus5000: MadAzza: James Scameron: -bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....

Oh, right, this is another thread where *we hate anyone popular and successful. I keep forgetting.

*actually, that's every thread

Nah, just another one where that douche scameron trolls for bait. Do what I do, put him on block.

Yeah, you guys are right. I'm sorry I fell for it and cluttered up the thread.


naw, you clutter up the thread.

i made an unspecified list there...with no qualifiers...and as ususal, you guys got in with your
CRY HARD.

see, thats what makes you funny clowns..it's why your only friends are THE INTERENEX and GOOGLEZ

the list goes on etc etc...

sandy vaginas...
 
2012-04-09 01:38:32 AM
-roger moore popular and successful
-sylvester stallone popular and successful
-wesley snipes popular and successful
-ben affleck popular and successful
-tom cruise popular and successful
-charles bronson popular and successful

WHICH ONES ARE THESE OF WRONGS INTERNETS?
 
2012-04-09 01:40:40 AM

Springy23: CSB time

Back in my undergrad I took a Recycled Cinema class where we watched Turkish Star Wars and since my professor was Persian and spoke Turkish he was able to set up a skype chat with Cuneyt Arkin. Most of the class just fawned over him and the dude seemed like he had an ego the size of those rocks he breaks while training. He barely comprehended our questions and it was an awkward hour and a half. Still a cool guy though. I'd let him take my sister to dinner.

He also said he'd never seen the real Star Wars when they started making the film and only put in SW references halfway through filming when an extra found bootlegged copies and made him sit down to watch it. That helped me make sense of the movie.

/fun class


no one cares.
go have dinner with Alana\ Arkin now and EVERYONE has dated your sister already so pfffttt
 
2012-04-09 02:02:02 AM
How... how did Seanbaby miss Steven Segal?! He should be #1!
 
2012-04-09 02:14:04 AM

Brainsick: FuryOfFirestorm: thornhill: Mark Wahlberg, no question.

Not only is he an even worse actor than Schwarzenegger, but he has this totally undeserving and unconvincing air to him that he's the coolest guy in the world (George Clooney and Brad Pitt have it, but they can get away with it).

He stunk in "Planet Of The Apes" but he was golden in "The Other Guys".

I think Liam makes a convincing action hero. I guess it's because he's packing some legendary Huey Lewis-sized heat down there.

[www.filmreference.com image 519x394]



/Haven't seen this movie since around 1994, wonder how it's held up


Saw it the other day. It's rather camp, yet still fun with some genuine depth you won't find in modern actions.
 
2012-04-09 02:16:15 AM

Your_Huckleberry: spottymax: And we all watched 'Wonder Woman' for those action-packed fighting scenes.

The article mentions the WW fight scenes being a turn on. Duh. Her doing everything from running or jumping or being gassed was a turn on.

Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that last one
.....


Growing up, my older brother and I used to argue a "who'd a won" between Jim Kirk and James West. Hard to root for someone as insufferable as Robert Conrad, plus Kirk was the man.


I always thought that scene where WW was fighting a robot doppleganger that ended with the robot get punched in the head by a boxing gloce was pretty hot.

/brb fbi
 
2012-04-09 02:42:23 AM

The_Gallant_Gallstone: thornhill: Mark Wahlberg, no question.

Not only is he an even worse actor than Schwarzenegger, but he has this totally undeserving and unconvincing air to him that he's the coolest guy in the world (George Clooney and Brad Pitt have it, but they can get away with it).

What... what's going on? I don't get it.

Man... I gotta work out. What's going on here?

What the HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?!?!?


Marky Mark's fine. But he has the most annoying voice in all of hollywood.

Say hello to your mother for me.
 
2012-04-09 02:45:48 AM

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: MadAzza: He should've gotten Mickey Rourke to back him up.

Or at the very least, Mickey Rourke's bodily funk.

Very potent stuff!


I'll handle his funk! (popes)
 
2012-04-09 08:22:23 AM

Gordon Bennett: coco ebert: marius2: Number 4 (Turkish guy slapping rocks) was the absolute best thing I've seen all week. If you actually know how to fight, especially if you know how to kick, it can kinda ruin some action movies for you. "Oh man, that was one hell of a crescent kick *rolls eyes*"

You have to see the whole movie, Turkish Star Wars (the actual Turkish title translates to "The Man Who Saved the World"). It's effin' hilarious. I always liked seanbaby's review of it as well. For some reason I can't find it on teh googles.

/turkish
//proud of our deliciously bad sci fi movies


I'm partial to fake Turkish Doctor Who (new window), myself.


I have seen the end of the internet and that is it.

/awesome
 
2012-04-09 08:32:26 AM

Red Shirt Blues: [i287.photobucket.com image 550x413]

[i287.photobucket.com image 500x375]

[i287.photobucket.com image 560x424]

[i287.photobucket.com image 500x376]

[i287.photobucket.com image 396x300]


best ever post on fark! well done sir!
 
2012-04-09 09:04:36 AM
For a guy who made and starred in Kung Fu films, Jimmy Wang Yu couldn't really do much at all. But then, he was a swimmer before starring in films.
 
2012-04-09 09:09:42 AM
Better Kirk-Fu guide, including the Kirk Drop Kick, the Wall of Destruction, and the Kirk Chop.
 
2012-04-09 09:44:04 AM
Fun list.
 
2012-04-09 09:44:50 AM
StopLurkListen



The most believable action stars:
Matt Damon (any Bourne movie)

WTF? hahahahahaha


Jet Li

yes because all bar fights and back ally brawls are equipped with wire-work gear.



your list if full of fail.
 
2012-04-09 09:46:30 AM
Looks at the list...

#9...yeah that sort of makes sense
#8...who?
#7...yeah, makes sense blaxploitation films and all that
#6...
...
DOES A BROTHER HAVE TO CHOKE THE AUTHOR TO DEATH?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Lynda Carter was Wonder Woman; the author and his argument can go EABOD and DIAF.
 
2012-04-09 09:47:26 AM

ShamWowofDamocles: [i.imgur.com image 301x412]


Frig, I wish the 70s and early 80s would come back in full force.
Then my ape chest would have all the ladies tossing their panties aside.
 
2012-04-09 09:50:34 AM

Psycoholic_Slag: indarwinsshadow: And no John Saxon? What the hell? The worst f*cking kung-fu action fighter of all time is John Saxon in Enter the Dragon. He was brutally bad.
[blogs.sundaymercury.net image 378x195]


Let's not even speak of Kareem Abdul Jabbar.


But at least he had an excuse. Also, Just about ANY movie with Bruce Lee makes any other action star look at least 2x worse because Bruce Lee was ungodly-levels of awesome.
 
2012-04-09 10:31:21 AM
Gotta find some Cuneyt Arkin movies. That was pure win.
 
2012-04-09 10:38:21 AM
BEST. FIGHT. SCENE. EVAR!!!!

Link (new window)
 
2012-04-09 11:21:30 AM
"If he wanted, Fred Williamson could kick your ass so hard that nine months after you die, your wife would give birth to his foot. Full-powered Fred Williamson attacks are the second ingredient in Taco Bell ground beef."

That and the "Spaceman Brown-Chocolate Motherfarker" bit had me in stitches for a good fifteen minutes...
 
2012-04-09 11:45:42 AM

FeedTheCollapse: FeedTheCollapse: can someone make an animated gif of David Heavener running up to the guy and kicking him the groin?

fine, I'll do it myself!


Nice, but I think it should start from the point where he runs on screen with the side view. End at the same point.

Brainsick: www.filmreference.com



/Haven't seen this movie since around 1994, wonder how it's held up


I see what you did there.
 
2012-04-09 11:55:09 AM

limboslam: darwin


He's 75.

Nah. I'm pretty sure I could take him.
 
2012-04-09 12:18:20 PM

Primitive Screwhead: Miss Stein: Primitive Screwhead:

JOE.

DON.

BAKER.


MITCHELL!

Heart pound'n!
Veins clog'n!


Came for this, proud of you all.
 
2012-04-09 01:05:22 PM

BHShaman: ShamWowofDamocles: [i.imgur.com image 301x412]


Frig, I wish the 70s and early 80s would come back in full force.
Then my ape chest would have all the ladies tossing their panties aside.


You and me both man, you and me both.
 
2012-04-09 01:50:22 PM

James Scameron: theflatline: James Scameron: -bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....

When you look as good as Bronson did at 54...



[tnation.t-nation.com image 640x426]

i look better...and i have 60 years to go


BY THE WAY EVERYONE,LOOKING GOOD AT 54 MAKES YOU AN AWESOME ACTION STAR

your douchtatilian logic makes you an epic fail


Only on Fark would some punk talk shiat about Charles farking Bronson. "The Magnificent 7", "The Dirty Dozen", "The Great Escape","Once Upon A Time In The West", and one of the greatest 70's runs: Red Sun, Valachi Papers, Chato's Land, The Mechanic, The Stone Killer, Chino, Mr. Majestic, Death Wish, Breakout, Hard Times, Breakheart Pass, St. Ives, Raid on Entebbe, White Buffalo, Telefon, Love and Bullets, Borderline. He never pretended to be a martial arts expert, but his boxing in "Hard Times" is plenty convincing for a farking 54 year old man. Not his fault he didn't become a successful actor until his forties.
 
2012-04-09 02:04:48 PM

MoronLessOff: FeedTheCollapse: FeedTheCollapse: can someone make an animated gif of David Heavener running up to the guy and kicking him the groin?

fine, I'll do it myself!

Nice, but I think it should start from the point where he runs on screen with the side view. End at the same point.




better?
 
2012-04-09 02:28:58 PM
No Jolie?
 
2012-04-09 02:34:04 PM

rukusrazor: No Jolie?


No. No Jolie.
 
2012-04-09 02:59:50 PM
The fact that all nine entries are not Steven Seagal means this list is incorrect.
 
2012-04-09 03:06:20 PM
1.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-04-09 03:06:39 PM

beerrun: BEST. FIGHT. SCENE. EVAR!!!!

Link (new window)


Yeah, the part where Ann Coulter shows up and kicks the dude's ass is great.
 
2012-04-09 03:06:57 PM
Still waiting for "Remo Williams II - The Adventure Continues"
 
Bf+
2012-04-09 04:35:48 PM
www.internationalhero.co.uk
Good luck getting the song out of your head.
 
2012-04-09 04:46:53 PM
i80.photobucket.com

Honorable mention?
 
2012-04-09 05:01:12 PM

Kraftwerk Orange: [1.bp.blogspot.com image 388x332]


Aww, now that's just mean!
 
2012-04-09 05:10:03 PM

Bf+: www.internationalhero.co.uk
Good luck getting the song out of your head.


You say that like that song's a BAD thing or somethin'.


mekkab: Primitive Screwhead: Miss Stein: Primitive Screwhead:

JOE.

DON.

BAKER.


MITCHELL!

Heart pound'n!
Veins clog'n!

Came for this, proud of you all.


WACKA-JA-WACKA-JA-WACKA-JA-WACKA

(Mitchell's on a corner.)


drewogatory: Only on Fark would some punk talk shiat about Charles farking Bronson.


How about it?

They rarely come any more badass than Charles Bronson.


MadAzza: I'll handle his funk! (popes)


HAHAHAHHAH

That, my friends, is an actor's workshop right there!


GibbyTheMole: Gotta find some Cuneyt Arkin movies. That was pure win.


If that Death Warrior clip is any indication, that's the greatest idea of greatest ideas EVER.
 
2012-04-09 05:21:46 PM

indarwinsshadow: And no John Saxon? What the hell? The worst f*cking kung-fu action fighter of all time is John Saxon in Enter the Dragon. He was brutally bad.
[blogs.sundaymercury.net image 378x195]


While I'm inclined to agree with you, I think he misses this list because, if you removed everything from Enter the Dragon except the scene at the temple in the very beginning (with all the philosophy, the way it was meant to be seen) and all of Bruce's fight scenes and replaced it all with a static shot of a dented soup can sitting on a shelf, it would still be the greatest martial arts/action movie ever made.

What I'm saying is it's a comparison thing.
 
2012-04-09 06:45:37 PM

PainInTheASP: Miss Stein: ....Barry Bostwick as Capt. Ace Hunter in Megaforce.

/shudder

DAMN. I forgot about that movie. Saw it when I was twelve and thought it was awesome! Twenty years later I rented it and couldn't believe how much it sucked. That movie made Battle Beyond the Stars look good.


I tried watching both on Netflix recently. I made it about five minutes in each.

Also, Mard is the greatest of all time.
 
2012-04-09 07:34:40 PM

hbk72777: The reason Fred Williamson Steven Seagal movies suck is because he refuses to job. Job ie lose. The lead always has to lose the first fight or get some kind of beat down. Williamson Seagal won't. He beats down the heel in the middle of the movie, so what's left at the end but lecture us about the environment and play his guitar?


FTFY
 
2012-04-09 08:52:31 PM
Jim VanBebber, Deadbeat at Dawn, Check out his nunchuck skills.
 
2012-04-09 09:40:59 PM
Jackie Chan versus Peter Fonda!

Cannonball Run
 
2012-04-09 10:49:09 PM

SockMonkeyHolocaust: This is because Aikido is .....


Stop right there before you prove you have no farking idea what you're talking about.

one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go

Too late.
 
2012-04-10 01:08:45 AM

LawrencePerson: Back on topic, where's Lump Beefbroth?

Are you sure you're not thinking of Slab Bulkhead or Crunch Buttsteak?


No he clearly meant Skip Hugelarge
 
2012-04-10 01:16:02 AM

spottymax: And we all watched 'Wonder Woman' for those action-packed fighting scenes.


Fully-packed action scenes, you mean.
 
2012-04-10 08:09:30 AM
I vote for Steven Seagal Too.

I have no idea about fighting, but in a movie, you're suposed to root for the good guy!

Even in that movie where he saved all Antartika and baby seals and whatever again evil oil-companys, me old tree-huger still sayed "fark this guy! "
Seriously.
He could have been a passable vilain for pop-corn-flicks
 
2012-04-10 12:29:19 PM

On-Off: I vote for Steven Seagal Too.

I have no idea about fighting, but in a movie, you're suposed to root for the good guy!

Even in that movie where he saved all Antartika and baby seals and whatever again evil oil-companys, me old tree-huger still sayed "fark this guy! "
Seriously.
He could have been a passable vilain for pop-corn-flicks


Exactly. And it's made worse by the fact that all the non-villains in his movies seem to exist for no reason other than to talk about what a badass he is and look at him with this near-worshipful gleam in their eyes.

But you're wrong about one thing... he wouldn't make for a passable villain. He'd be an awesome villain. Wouldn't need to change a single thing about his performance, what little of it there is beyond squinting and whispering.
 
2012-04-10 12:49:28 PM

Richard Roma: But you're wrong about one thing... he wouldn't make for a passable villain. He'd be an awesome villain. Wouldn't need to change a single thing about his performance, what little of it there is beyond squinting and whispering.


He'd make a good henchman. A good villain takes more than that. Alan Rickman, Jeremy Irons, Anthony Hopkins, Gary Oldman, Bela Lugosi. Those guys played villains.
 
2012-04-10 06:03:27 PM

Richard Roma: On-Off: I vote for Steven Seagal Too.

I have no idea about fighting, but in a movie, you're suposed to root for the good guy!

Even in that movie where he saved all Antartika and baby seals and whatever again evil oil-companys, me old tree-huger still sayed "fark this guy! "
Seriously.
He could have been a passable vilain for pop-corn-flicks

Exactly. And it's made worse by the fact that all the non-villains in his movies seem to exist for no reason other than to talk about what a badass he is and look at him with this near-worshipful gleam in their eyes.

But you're wrong about one thing... he wouldn't make for a passable villain. He'd be an awesome villain. Wouldn't need to change a single thing about his performance, what little of it there is beyond squinting and whispering.


Steven Seagal's movies weren't anywhere near as incomprehensibly bad as Van Damme's "films."
 
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