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(Cracked)   The nine worst "action stars" of all time   (cracked.com ) divider line
    More: Fail, David Carradine, human beings, Lynda Carter, Jean Claude Van Damme, D.L. Hughley, Tori Spelling, Fred Williamson, Tom Petty  
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27218 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 08 Apr 2012 at 2:01 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-04-08 06:14:48 PM  
Jeff Speakman, where are you?
 
2012-04-08 06:17:14 PM  
I was scared Olivier Grunner was going to make the list - glad he didn't because he is awesome
 
2012-04-08 06:18:41 PM  

thornhill: Mark Wahlberg, no question.

Not only is he an even worse actor than Schwarzenegger, but he has this totally undeserving and unconvincing air to him that he's the coolest guy in the world (George Clooney and Brad Pitt have it, but they can get away with it).


He stunk in "Planet Of The Apes" but he was golden in "The Other Guys".

I think Liam makes a convincing action hero. I guess it's because he's packing some legendary Huey Lewis-sized heat down there.
 
2012-04-08 06:22:38 PM  

Mugato: Hardy-r-r: My vote goes to Harrison Ford (in his prime; Indiana Jones)

Even the bareknuckle fist fight in the last one was impressive.


The genius of Harrison Ford was that he never really was an action start. That is, he was always a bit too old for the parts which made him vulnerable (he was nearly 40 when Raiders was made), he was not pretty boy good looking, he wasn't muscular, wasn't cool, he always took a beating, but was just more determined than his advisories.

Of course, now he is just too old, and it hasn't helped that last really good movie he was in was in was The Fugitive in 1993! When they write his obituary, they're going to leave out everything after Air Force One (1997), except for a minor mention that he reprised the role Indiana Jones in a terrible movie.
 
2012-04-08 06:26:32 PM  

Porous Horace: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: I don't rightly care that Rudy Ray Moore couldn't fight. That dude was 200 pounds of awesome in a 100-pound capacity leisure suit.

Totally agree.

And the end of Death Warrior with Cuneyt Arkin may be among the greatest six minutes ever committed to film.

That was brilliant!

StopLurkListen: My least believable action stars:
Undecided:
Jackie Chan. Awesome talent, unsure if all the clownery disqualifies...

Try an early Chan film like Drunken Master.


This sequence from Drunken Master II is still one of my favorites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6o9p8yXjr0&feature=related (ignore the stupid dubbing)
 
2012-04-08 06:33:50 PM  

Porous Horace: Totally agree.


*fistbump*

Disco Godfather is just as essential as the Dolemite movies, in my humblest of humble opinions.


Porous Horace: That was brilliant!


Michael Bay needs to know that THAT'S how it's done.

And I'll take that over James Cameron's Avatar any day of the week.


vrax: This sequence from Drunken Master II is still one of my favorites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6o9p8yXjr0&feature=related (ignore the stupid dubbing)


Seriously boss sequence, that.

The big guy was actually Jackie Chan's real-life bodyguard. He didn't look like a guy you'd want to mess with, no.
 
2012-04-08 06:40:12 PM  

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: Michael Bay needs to know that THAT'S how it's done.


Coincidentally I'm watching my first Transformers movie on FX. The second one. I clearly remember the old cartoon having more dignity.
 
2012-04-08 06:44:24 PM  

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: Porous Horace: Totally agree.

*fistbump*

Disco Godfather is just as essential as the Dolemite movies, in my humblest of humble opinions.


Porous Horace: That was brilliant!

Michael Bay needs to know that THAT'S how it's done.

And I'll take that over James Cameron's Avatar any day of the week.


vrax: This sequence from Drunken Master II is still one of my favorites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6o9p8yXjr0&feature=related (ignore the stupid dubbing)

Seriously boss sequence, that.

The big guy was actually Jackie Chan's real-life bodyguard. He didn't look like a guy you'd want to mess with, no.


This scene from Wheels on Meals is one of my favorites. The movie itself ... not so much.
 
2012-04-08 06:44:26 PM  

vrax: Porous Horace: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: I don't rightly care that Rudy Ray Moore couldn't fight. That dude was 200 pounds of awesome in a 100-pound capacity leisure suit.

Totally agree.

And the end of Death Warrior with Cuneyt Arkin may be among the greatest six minutes ever committed to film.

That was brilliant!

StopLurkListen: My least believable action stars:
Undecided:
Jackie Chan. Awesome talent, unsure if all the clownery disqualifies...

Try an early Chan film like Drunken Master.

This sequence from Drunken Master II is still one of my favorites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6o9p8yXjr0&feature=related (ignore the stupid dubbing)


I always did love early Jackie Chan movies, his clownery was what made some of his movies. The fight choreography for some of them must have taken forever and a day to get right. Also, Jet Li's earlier Chinese films have some pretty awesome fight scenes as well.
 
2012-04-08 06:51:54 PM  
farm6.static.flickr.com


And we all watched 'Wonder Woman' for those action-packed fighting scenes.

 
2012-04-08 06:52:16 PM  
Say what you will about Dolemite, but make sure you finish it up with "...and it's a bad ass movie!"

/Cue the xkcd comic
//Dolemite's my name and farking up mutha farkas is my game!
 
2012-04-08 06:56:17 PM  

rickycal78: vrax: Porous Horace: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: I don't rightly care that Rudy Ray Moore couldn't fight. That dude was 200 pounds of awesome in a 100-pound capacity leisure suit.

Totally agree.

And the end of Death Warrior with Cuneyt Arkin may be among the greatest six minutes ever committed to film.

That was brilliant!

StopLurkListen: My least believable action stars:
Undecided:
Jackie Chan. Awesome talent, unsure if all the clownery disqualifies...

Try an early Chan film like Drunken Master.

This sequence from Drunken Master II is still one of my favorites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6o9p8yXjr0&feature=related (ignore the stupid dubbing)

I always did love early Jackie Chan movies, his clownery was what made some of his movies. The fight choreography for some of them must have taken forever and a day to get right. Also, Jet Li's earlier Chinese films have some pretty awesome fight scenes as well.


Yeah, exactly. Plus, the thing that always drew me in was that the actors were the stunt men. No stunt and camera trick action movie BS. When you see Jackie Chan fall down the face of that clock tower in Project-A, that's F'n Jackie Chan nearly killing himself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcOdI-pDEHI
 
2012-04-08 06:57:19 PM  

Mugato: Coincidentally I'm watching my first Transformers movie on FX. The second one. I clearly remember the old cartoon having more dignity.


Oh, the second one hurt.

I won't lie to you.

The first movie was passable, but the second movie was so loud and full of quickly edited shaky images, I felt that I was assaulted by a cameraman with a boombox or something.


Porous Horace: This scene from Wheels on Meals is one of my favorites. The movie itself ... not so much.


Mmhmm... man, we could be here all day talking about awesome Jackie Chan action sequences. Like rickycal78 said, his early stuff was boss.


NaziKamikaze: Say what you will about Dolemite, but make sure you finish it up with "...and it's a bad ass movie!"

/Cue the xkcd comic
//Dolemite's my name and farking up mutha farkas is my game!


Quoth the trailer: "I'm the one who killed Monday, whooped Tuesday, put Wednesday in the hospital, called up Thursday to tell Friday not to bury Saturday on Sunday!"

*That* is a boast.
 
2012-04-08 06:59:35 PM  

vrax: Yeah, exactly. Plus, the thing that always drew me in was that the actors were the stunt men. No stunt and camera trick action movie BS. When you see Jackie Chan fall down the face of that clock tower in Project-A, that's F'n Jackie Chan nearly killing himself:


The Angry Video Game Nerd had a feature on his 10 favorite Jackie Chan stunts.

Looking at them, it's a miracle that he didn't end up killing himself... which he nearly did in that one movie where he fell from a tree, hit his head on a rock, and bled from the ears.
 
2012-04-08 07:05:49 PM  

rickycal78: vrax: Porous Horace: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: I don't rightly care that Rudy Ray Moore couldn't fight. That dude was 200 pounds of awesome in a 100-pound capacity leisure suit.

Totally agree.

And the end of Death Warrior with Cuneyt Arkin may be among the greatest six minutes ever committed to film.

That was brilliant!

StopLurkListen: My least believable action stars:
Undecided:
Jackie Chan. Awesome talent, unsure if all the clownery disqualifies...

Try an early Chan film like Drunken Master.

This sequence from Drunken Master II is still one of my favorites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6o9p8yXjr0&feature=related (ignore the stupid dubbing)

I always did love early Jackie Chan movies, his clownery was what made some of his movies. The fight choreography for some of them must have taken forever and a day to get right. Also, Jet Li's earlier Chinese films have some pretty awesome fight scenes as well.


Then I guess you would get a kick out of Jackie Chan up against Jet Li in The Forbidden Kingdom.

/And Donnie Yen doesn't get nearly enough mention, his work in Ip Man is probably the cleanest, most high impact fight choreography I've ever seen
 
2012-04-08 07:09:21 PM  

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: vrax: Yeah, exactly. Plus, the thing that always drew me in was that the actors were the stunt men. No stunt and camera trick action movie BS. When you see Jackie Chan fall down the face of that clock tower in Project-A, that's F'n Jackie Chan nearly killing himself:

The Angry Video Game Nerd had a feature on his 10 favorite Jackie Chan stunts.

Looking at them, it's a miracle that he didn't end up killing himself... which he nearly did in that one movie where he fell from a tree, hit his head on a rock, and bled from the ears.


Back in the mid 90's I got to very briefly meet Jackie Chan at the San Francisco premier of Rumble In The Bronx. By that point I'd seen everything he'd been in and was simply amazed at how good and healthy he looked. Being 18 years his junior I felt both humbled and somewhat pathetic.
 
2012-04-08 07:19:32 PM  

vrax: Back in the mid 90's I got to very briefly meet Jackie Chan at the San Francisco premier of Rumble In The Bronx. By that point I'd seen everything he'd been in and was simply amazed at how good and healthy he looked. Being 18 years his junior I felt both humbled and somewhat pathetic.


Man alive... that'd be something to remember, I'd say!

/loves Rumble in the Bronx
 
2012-04-08 07:22:32 PM  

Porous Horace: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: I don't rightly care that Rudy Ray Moore couldn't fight. That dude was 200 pounds of awesome in a 100-pound capacity leisure suit.

Totally agree.

And the end of Death Warrior with Cuneyt Arkin may be among the greatest six minutes ever committed to film.

That was brilliant!

StopLurkListen: My least believable action stars:
Undecided:
Jackie Chan. Awesome talent, unsure if all the clownery disqualifies...

Try an early Chan film like Drunken Master.


Good choice. That's probably my favorite Chan movie, but ... hard to say. His talent is undeniable, as is his comic timing. And the DVD extras are almost as entertaining as the movies!
 
2012-04-08 07:25:55 PM  

James Scameron: -bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....


Oh, right, this is another thread where *we hate anyone popular and successful. I keep forgetting.

*actually, that's every thread
 
2012-04-08 07:35:14 PM  

MadAzza: Oh, right, this is another thread where *we hate anyone popular and successful. I keep forgetting.

*actually, that's every thread


No it's not it's the thread where the troll climbs out from under his rock, says something stupid and crawls back.
 
2012-04-08 07:39:42 PM  
List needs more Pierre Kirby.
Full Metal Ninja FTW
 
2012-04-08 07:40:49 PM  

dogbone: Jeff Speakman, where are you?


I wasn't going to RTFA, but "stop with the kicking" better be in there!

/obscure?
 
2012-04-08 07:56:10 PM  

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: In Eric Roberts' defense, he couldn't fight because they took his thumb.


He should've gotten Mickey Rourke to back him up.
 
2012-04-08 07:56:59 PM  

FeedTheCollapse: can someone make an animated gif of David Heavener running up to the guy and kicking him the groin?


fine, I'll do it myself!
 
2012-04-08 07:57:24 PM  

MadAzza: Porous Horace: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: I don't rightly care that Rudy Ray Moore couldn't fight. That dude was 200 pounds of awesome in a 100-pound capacity leisure suit.

Totally agree.

And the end of Death Warrior with Cuneyt Arkin may be among the greatest six minutes ever committed to film.

That was brilliant!

StopLurkListen: My least believable action stars:
Undecided:
Jackie Chan. Awesome talent, unsure if all the clownery disqualifies...

Try an early Chan film like Drunken Master.

Good choice. That's probably my favorite Chan movie, but ... hard to say. His talent is undeniable, as is his comic timing. And the DVD extras are almost as entertaining as the movies!


DM is superior quality, good eye!

JC doesn't like it much but I still have a soft spot for "The Big Brawl".

/They're breaking bones over here!
 
2012-04-08 07:59:17 PM  
He should have linked this David Carradine Kung Fu workout video. It's way more awesome.
 
2012-04-08 08:00:07 PM  
So long as we're discussing best Jackie Chan scenes. I submit I'll Teach You to Adjust to Circumstances (new window), from Fearless Hyena.

And no action movie thread would be complete with out a nod to Tony Jaa and the Restaurant Fight (new window) in The Protector.
 
2012-04-08 08:03:25 PM  

MadAzza: James Scameron: -bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....

Oh, right, this is another thread where *we hate anyone popular and successful. I keep forgetting.

*actually, that's every thread


Nah, just another one where that douche scameron trolls for bait. Do what I do, put him on block.
 
2012-04-08 08:18:08 PM  
What the heck, some might enjoy this ... Jackie Chan stunt outtakes (pops, not mine)
 
2012-04-08 08:21:50 PM  

galactus5000: MadAzza: James Scameron: -bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....

Oh, right, this is another thread where *we hate anyone popular and successful. I keep forgetting.

*actually, that's every thread

Nah, just another one where that douche scameron trolls for bait. Do what I do, put him on block.


Yeah, you guys are right. I'm sorry I fell for it and cluttered up the thread.
 
2012-04-08 08:46:04 PM  
I vote we all stop talking in another boring "I hate popular things, I don't even own a TV!" thread, and instead all go out and watch The Raid again. It's a good movie that deserves to make money.
 
2012-04-08 08:52:20 PM  
FTFA : "If Fred Williamson made John Carter, it would have been called Spaceman Brown: Chocolate Motherfarker, and it would have turned a $250 million profit."

i3.ytimg.com


Not sure why Eric Roberts is on there especially with "Best of the Best" as the example. That movie actually made Tae Kwon Do look halfway badassed
 
2012-04-08 08:57:50 PM  
As a fan of cult and B-movie classics, I have seen some pretty awful fight scenes.

Blacxplotation movies were low-budget and mostly date from the early 1970s when "fight scene" special effects and computer graphics were in their infancy. They couldn't afford the stand-ins, let alone the CGI fighters flying through the air in brave defiance of all the laws of physics.

The worst fight scene ever may be the one I watched recently with Riff Trax. Frankenstein Island has a fight scene which is like a slap-fight without a slap-stick. It was laughable without the commentary.

I believe I have seen Williamson recently in one of these riffed movies as well.

As for William Shatner, he's the Roy "Crash" Corrigan of the Twenty Somethingth Century.

Aging boxers, weight-lifters and football players may be the worst action heroes but at least they don't box, race cars, or smoke big cigars on Letterman. They leave that crap to the young stars and starlets. And politicians, like Justin Trudeau and Senator Brazeau. Lib-boy kicked Con-boy's ass. The Senator, appropriately, had the weight and the reach, but Trudeau had the spunk and the heart which endeared his Father to so many who hated him as well as Trudeau-maniacs.
 
2012-04-08 09:07:43 PM  

Porous Horace: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: Porous Horace: Totally agree.

*fistbump*

Disco Godfather is just as essential as the Dolemite movies, in my humblest of humble opinions.


Porous Horace: That was brilliant!

Michael Bay needs to know that THAT'S how it's done.

And I'll take that over James Cameron's Avatar any day of the week.


vrax: This sequence from Drunken Master II is still one of my favorites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6o9p8yXjr0&feature=related (ignore the stupid dubbing)

Seriously boss sequence, that.

The big guy was actually Jackie Chan's real-life bodyguard. He didn't look like a guy you'd want to mess with, no.

This scene from Wheels on Meals is one of my favorites. The movie itself ... not so much.


Jackie looks like he's fighting Amanda Bynes ala She's the Man.
 
2012-04-08 09:35:29 PM  
brantgoose: Blacxplotation movies were low-budget and mostly date from the early 1970s when "fight scene" special effects and computer graphics were in their infancy. They couldn't afford the stand-ins, let alone the CGI fighters flying through the air in brave defiance of all the laws of physics.

And the reason they couldn't afford them is because the hardware and software to accomplish this task had yet to be developed.


Aging boxers, weight-lifters and football players may be the worst action heroes but at least they don't box, race cars, or smoke big cigars on Letterman..

?????
 
2012-04-08 09:46:44 PM  

MadAzza: He should've gotten Mickey Rourke to back him up.


Or at the very least, Mickey Rourke's bodily funk.

Very potent stuff!
 
2012-04-08 09:51:34 PM  
JOE.

DON.

BAKER.


/speaking of Jon Saxon
//wasn't he in this movie?
 
2012-04-08 09:57:47 PM  

Primitive Screwhead:

JOE.

DON.

BAKER.


MITCHELL!
 
2012-04-08 10:00:22 PM  

Miss Stein: Primitive Screwhead:

JOE.

DON.

BAKER.


MITCHELL!


Heart pound'n!
Veins clog'n!
 
2012-04-08 10:04:57 PM  
Gil Gerard needs to be on that list.
 
2012-04-08 10:10:47 PM  

LeroyBourne: Keenen Ivory Wayans tried action and failed quite badly.


He failed on purpose. Couldn't you tell by how he said it was comedy later.
 
2012-04-08 10:55:33 PM  

indarwinsshadow: And no John Saxon? What the hell? The worst f*cking kung-fu action fighter of all time is John Saxon in Enter the Dragon. He was brutally bad.


He could kick your ass.
 
2012-04-08 11:16:47 PM  

SockMonkeyHolocaust: Mugato: I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.

This is because Aikido is one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go.


To be fair, Steven Seagal is probably the worst representative of what is supposed to be a purely defensive martial-art.
 
2012-04-08 11:19:32 PM  

MadAzza: Porous Horace: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: I don't rightly care that Rudy Ray Moore couldn't fight. That dude was 200 pounds of awesome in a 100-pound capacity leisure suit.

Totally agree.

And the end of Death Warrior with Cuneyt Arkin may be among the greatest six minutes ever committed to film.

That was brilliant!

StopLurkListen: My least believable action stars:
Undecided:
Jackie Chan. Awesome talent, unsure if all the clownery disqualifies...

Try an early Chan film like Drunken Master.

Good choice. That's probably my favorite Chan movie, but ... hard to say. His talent is undeniable, as is his comic timing. And the DVD extras are almost as entertaining as the movies!


"What do you call that move?" "Nursing a Hangover!"

/love that movie
 
2012-04-08 11:26:14 PM  

Miss Stein: Also missing from list:

Richard Chamberlain in Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold

Barry Bostwick as Capt. Ace Hunter in Megaforce.

/shudder


LOL I kept scrolling hoping to see Ace on there !!! :)
 
2012-04-08 11:30:16 PM  
CSB time

Back in my undergrad I took a Recycled Cinema class where we watched Turkish Star Wars and since my professor was Persian and spoke Turkish he was able to set up a skype chat with Cuneyt Arkin. Most of the class just fawned over him and the dude seemed like he had an ego the size of those rocks he breaks while training. He barely comprehended our questions and it was an awkward hour and a half. Still a cool guy though. I'd let him take my sister to dinner.

He also said he'd never seen the real Star Wars when they started making the film and only put in SW references halfway through filming when an extra found bootlegged copies and made him sit down to watch it. That helped me make sense of the movie.

/fun class
 
2012-04-09 12:04:06 AM  
An in-depth analysis of Kirk Fu. (new window)

Kirk's Fighting Tips:

For a powerful strike, lace your fingers together and swing them at your opponent's back.

If you are thrown to the ground during a fight, take the opportunity to rest up and plan your next attack-it's just common sense.

When caught in a bear hug, slap both the opponent's ears. Run away while the enemy is reeling in pain.
 
2012-04-09 12:47:10 AM  

FuryOfFirestorm: thornhill: Mark Wahlberg, no question.

Not only is he an even worse actor than Schwarzenegger, but he has this totally undeserving and unconvincing air to him that he's the coolest guy in the world (George Clooney and Brad Pitt have it, but they can get away with it).

He stunk in "Planet Of The Apes" but he was golden in "The Other Guys".

I think Liam makes a convincing action hero. I guess it's because he's packing some legendary Huey Lewis-sized heat down there.


www.filmreference.com

/Haven't seen this movie since around 1994, wonder how it's held up
 
2012-04-09 01:00:29 AM  

spottymax: And we all watched 'Wonder Woman' for those action-packed fighting scenes.


The article mentions the WW fight scenes being a turn on. Duh. Her doing everything from running or jumping or being gassed was a turn on.

Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that last one.....


Growing up, my older brother and I used to argue a "who'd a won" between Jim Kirk and James West. Hard to root for someone as insufferable as Robert Conrad, plus Kirk was the man.
 
2012-04-09 01:16:02 AM  

Brainsick: FuryOfFirestorm: thornhill: Mark Wahlberg, no question.

Not only is he an even worse actor than Schwarzenegger, but he has this totally undeserving and unconvincing air to him that he's the coolest guy in the world (George Clooney and Brad Pitt have it, but they can get away with it).

He stunk in "Planet Of The Apes" but he was golden in "The Other Guys".

I think Liam makes a convincing action hero. I guess it's because he's packing some legendary Huey Lewis-sized heat down there.

[www.filmreference.com image 519x394]

/Haven't seen this movie since around 1994, wonder how it's held up


Saw it again last year. IMHO, it's held up pretty well. Definitely worth another watch.
 
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