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(Cracked)   The nine worst "action stars" of all time   (cracked.com) divider line 202
    More: Fail, David Carradine, human beings, Lynda Carter, Jean Claude Van Damme, D.L. Hughley, Tori Spelling, Fred Williamson, Tom Petty  
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27209 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 08 Apr 2012 at 2:01 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-04-08 09:10:11 AM
I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.
 
2012-04-08 09:51:47 AM
Number 4 (Turkish guy slapping rocks) was the absolute best thing I've seen all week. If you actually know how to fight, especially if you know how to kick, it can kinda ruin some action movies for you. "Oh man, that was one hell of a crescent kick *rolls eyes*"
 
2012-04-08 09:52:17 AM
List fails without Gymkata.

media.weirdworm.com
 
2012-04-08 11:12:31 AM

marius2: Number 4 (Turkish guy slapping rocks) was the absolute best thing I've seen all week. If you actually know how to fight, especially if you know how to kick, it can kinda ruin some action movies for you. "Oh man, that was one hell of a crescent kick *rolls eyes*"


You have to see the whole movie, Turkish Star Wars (the actual Turkish title translates to "The Man Who Saved the World"). It's effin' hilarious. I always liked seanbaby's review of it as well. For some reason I can't find it on teh googles.

/turkish
//proud of our deliciously bad sci fi movies
 
2012-04-08 01:07:08 PM
F*ck you, the Gorn fight is the greatest thing in TV history.
 
2012-04-08 01:13:20 PM
They forgot Chuck Norris.
 
2012-04-08 01:53:01 PM
i287.photobucket.com

i287.photobucket.com

i287.photobucket.com

i287.photobucket.com

i287.photobucket.com
 
2012-04-08 01:56:35 PM
Firstly, I wouldn't categorize Shatner as an action star and second, it's more the fault of the fight choreographers than anything.

Besides. it wasn't even him all the time. Its usually a close up of him and the other actor then engineering or sickbay becomes a gymnasium and it's a far shot of 2 stunt guys going at it.
 
2012-04-08 02:11:04 PM
thechive.files.wordpress.com

can destroy 350lb berserkers with her bare hands.
 
2012-04-08 02:15:35 PM
Side note:

I love "Burn Notice", but I chuckle every time Fiona kicks ass in a fight.
 
2012-04-08 02:16:55 PM
Bah, what about a pudgy middle-aged Sean Connery when confronted by a real-life gymnast?
www.bondmovies.com
 
2012-04-08 02:19:16 PM
i151.photobucket.com

Least convincing fight scenes since Howard the Duck.

/Sharon Stone wasn't bad, I guess
 
2012-04-08 02:19:50 PM
If I had a nickel every time I was forced to watch some wispy bachelor or ditzy debutante pound an opponent with at least a hundred pounds on them, I wouldn't have to work any more.
 
2012-04-08 02:20:49 PM
I didn't think Carradine looked bad on the original Kung Fu, but yeah, on the sequel in the 90's, he was in slo-mo.
 
2012-04-08 02:22:02 PM
OMG DAVID HEAVENER! I thought that me and my small group of HS friends were the only ones who had ever watched any of his films.
 
2012-04-08 02:25:55 PM

Therion: [thechive.files.wordpress.com image 500x656]

can destroy 350lb berserkers with her bare hands.


I'm quite a bit less than 350, and certainly not a berserker, but if she wants to wrestle in a kiddie pool full of olive oil, I'm willing to let her try.
 
2012-04-08 02:27:26 PM
In Eric Roberts' defense, he couldn't fight because they took his thumb.
 
2012-04-08 02:28:14 PM
No Liam Neeson?
 
2012-04-08 02:28:52 PM
#7

And you call this a convenience store robbery?
 
2012-04-08 02:30:07 PM
I don't rightly care that Rudy Ray Moore couldn't fight. That dude was 200 pounds of awesome in a 100-pound capacity leisure suit.


And the end of Death Warrior with Cuneyt Arkin may be among the greatest six minutes ever committed to film.
 
2012-04-08 02:30:58 PM

Derwood: No Liam Neeson?


Liam was a full-contact karate champion long before he went into acting
 
2012-04-08 02:34:45 PM

TravisBickle62: Derwood: No Liam Neeson?

Liam was a full-contact karate champion long before he went into acting


He could box pretty well, too, if I'm not mistaken.
 
2012-04-08 02:43:29 PM
I didn't even know who a couple of those 70s blacksploitation people were, but fark you re: Caine. He was the quintessential badass.
 
2012-04-08 02:44:45 PM

The_Sponge: Side note:

I love "Burn Notice", but I chuckle every time Fiona kicks ass in a fight.


This!! How can she even generate enough traction to stay in one place when her supposed fists of fury land?

/Still love the show.
//Chuck Finley
 
2012-04-08 02:47:01 PM

Derwood: No Liam Neeson?



geekonfilm.files.wordpress.com
I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for troll bait, I can tell you I don't have the patience. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you retract from your comment now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.
 
2012-04-08 02:48:28 PM
My least believable action stars:

Nicholas Cage.
Liam Neeson. (at current age)
Sean Connery at any age, sorry, not believable.

The most believable action stars:
Matt Damon (any Bourne movie)
Jason Statham
Jet Li

Undecided:
Jackie Chan. Awesome talent, unsure if all the clownery disqualifies...
 
2012-04-08 02:50:46 PM

Therion: [thechive.files.wordpress.com image 500x656]

can destroy 350lb berserkers with her bare hands.


faaaaaaaaaaaap
 
2012-04-08 02:50:59 PM
No one on the internet makes me laugh as consistently as Seanbaby. Out loud, even.
 
2012-04-08 02:54:15 PM
My wife asked "Is Sarah Michelle Geller on there?"

Because we both knew she should have been.
 
2012-04-08 02:57:01 PM

swahnhennessy: No one on the internet makes me laugh as consistently as Seanbaby. Out loud, even.


I prefer Miguel

T-Servo: [i151.photobucket.com image 466x310]

Least convincing fight scenes since Howard the Duck.

/Sharon Stone wasn't bad, I guess


I'm watching that movie right now.
 
2012-04-08 02:59:40 PM

DanInKansas: My wife asked "Is Sarah Michelle Geller on there?"

Because we both knew she should have been.


I thought this was limited to movies? If so, it's Kirsty Swanson's "Buffy" that would be playing the unbelievable 'little girl fighting vampires'.

Dunno, I haven't heard of any of these people in TFA anyway. They're all from the 70's?
 
2012-04-08 03:00:03 PM

The_Sponge: Side note:

I love "Burn Notice", but I chuckle every time Fiona kicks ass in a fight.


You mean the "I'm going to kick you, but not so hard that it knocks my skimpy skirt too high" fighting style?
 
2012-04-08 03:00:30 PM
Pam Grier should have stayed with THESE kinds of movies...

i2.photobucket.com

aaawwww yeeeeAAAHH!
 
2012-04-08 03:00:33 PM

CygnusDarius: Derwood: No Liam Neeson?


[geekonfilm.files.wordpress.com image 500x365]
I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for troll bait, I can tell you I don't have the patience. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you retract from your comment now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill yourelease the Kraken.


Back on topic, where's Lump Beefbroth?
 
2012-04-08 03:00:42 PM
Also missing from list:

Richard Chamberlain in Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold

Barry Bostwick as Capt. Ace Hunter in Megaforce.

/shudder
 
2012-04-08 03:00:43 PM
Star Trek didn't have the budget to make the boulder not look like it was made out of paper mache when it landed?
 
2012-04-08 03:01:01 PM
List fails without Roger Moore. The man couldn't make a punch convincing at all.
 
2012-04-08 03:01:49 PM
Shatner has a bit in his book on making the Star Trek movies where he mentions that in III, the fight scene with Christopher Lloyd was thrown together at the last minute due to some effects not being ready, so Shatner uses a lot of the old standbys from the TV show. Shoulder chops, the chest kick, the whole deal.
 
2012-04-08 03:09:19 PM
Mark Wahlberg, no question.

Not only is he an even worse actor than Schwarzenegger, but he has this totally undeserving and unconvincing air to him that he's the coolest guy in the world (George Clooney and Brad Pitt have it, but they can get away with it).
 
2012-04-08 03:15:40 PM

thornhill: Mark Wahlberg, no question.

Not only is he an even worse actor than Schwarzenegger, but he has this totally undeserving and unconvincing air to him that he's the coolest guy in the world (George Clooney and Brad Pitt have it, but they can get away with it).


What... what's going on? I don't get it.

Man... I gotta work out. What's going on here?

What the HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?!?!?
 
2012-04-08 03:20:15 PM
Back on topic, where's Lump Beefbroth?

Are you sure you're not thinking of Slab Bulkhead or Crunch Buttsteak?
 
mhd
2012-04-08 03:20:32 PM
Blaxploitation seems to have been well represented, but don't forget peplum flicks. Most body builders starring in those had worse combat skills than acting chops - and that's setting the bar pretty low.
 
2012-04-08 03:21:05 PM

Therion: [thechive.files.wordpress.com image 500x656]

can destroy 350lb berserkers with her bare hands.


She can destroy my berserker with her bare hands anytime..
 
2012-04-08 03:26:02 PM
I can't read anything written by seanbaby anymore. It's like as soon as he started writing for Cracked, his skill at humor simply evaporated.

/But that's just my opinion.
 
2012-04-08 03:28:57 PM

StopLurkListen: The most believable action stars:
...
Jason Statham
...


AHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!
*wheeze*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
 
2012-04-08 03:30:52 PM

thornhill: Mark Wahlberg, no question.

Not only is he an even worse actor than Schwarzenegger, but he has this totally undeserving and unconvincing air to him that he's the coolest guy in the world (George Clooney and Brad Pitt have it, but they can get away with it).




My thoughts EXACTLY.
 
2012-04-08 03:32:00 PM
List fails without James Ryan in Kill and Kill Again.

img.filmous.com

Or the girl from the Breaking Movies.

3.bp.blogspot.com

Or this beaut, right before he was telling his bastard child to sweep Daniel sans leg.

www.moviegoods.com
 
2012-04-08 03:33:22 PM
-bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....
 
2012-04-08 03:35:11 PM

The_Gallant_Gallstone: thornhill: Mark Wahlberg, no question.

Not only is he an even worse actor than Schwarzenegger, but he has this totally undeserving and unconvincing air to him that he's the coolest guy in the world (George Clooney and Brad Pitt have it, but they can get away with it).

What... what's going on? I don't get it.

Man... I gotta work out. What's going on here?

What the HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?!?!?


That may be giving his acting range too much credit.
 
2012-04-08 03:35:28 PM

theflatline: www.moviegoods.com


That tagline is priceless!
 
2012-04-08 03:35:46 PM
Wonder Woman doesn't need any fighting skill. If she makes contact you're going down.
 
2012-04-08 03:37:32 PM

James Scameron: -bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....


When you look as good as Bronson did at 54...

tnation.t-nation.com
 
2012-04-08 03:37:41 PM

Nem Wan: Wonder Woman doesn't need any fighting skill. If she makes contact you're going down.


Giggity.
 
2012-04-08 03:43:13 PM
George Clooney as Batman. Not on there? That list is incomplete.
 
2012-04-08 03:44:36 PM
My vote:

cloudfront.dailybooth.com
 
2012-04-08 03:51:41 PM

James Scameron: -bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....


In Bruce Willis' defense, he used to be good when his schtick was the out of luck working slob (Die Hard 1 and 3, and done to its best in Die Hard 3). Then in the end of the 1990s he bulked up and adopted a "I'm too cool for this movie" persona, which I find kinda maddening. And then on top of that, he hasn't chosen his film roles well -- lost of turkeys.
 
2012-04-08 03:52:42 PM
Eric Robert vs. Larry the Cable Guy in Witless Protection was farking hilarious.
 
2012-04-08 03:58:52 PM

James Scameron: -charles bronson


Know you're trolling, but:

filmcharacters.bravehost.com
 
2012-04-08 04:05:10 PM

Miss Stein: ....Barry Bostwick as Capt. Ace Hunter in Megaforce.

/shudder


DAMN. I forgot about that movie. Saw it when I was twelve and thought it was awesome! Twenty years later I rented it and couldn't believe how much it sucked. That movie made Battle Beyond the Stars look good.
 
2012-04-08 04:07:14 PM

thornhill: Then in the end of the 1990s he bulked up and adopted a "I'm too cool for this movie" persona, which I find kinda maddening. And then on top of that, he hasn't chosen his film roles well -- lost of turkeys.


He was in 12 Monkeys. Your argument is invalid.
 
2012-04-08 04:07:46 PM

Earguy: List fails without Gymkata.

[media.weirdworm.com image 400x300]


The criteria was a series of action movies, not just one. Now if they had made some sequels we'd be in business.
 
mhd
2012-04-08 04:08:30 PM
Michael Dudikoff is strangely absent, too...
 
2012-04-08 04:11:07 PM

Mugato: I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.


This is because Aikido is one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go.
 
2012-04-08 04:12:06 PM
Christopher Lambert
Chris Tucker
Shia Labeouf
 
2012-04-08 04:12:28 PM

Marshal805: I can't read anything written by seanbaby anymore. It's like as soon as he started writing for Cracked, his skill at humor simply evaporated.

/But that's just my opinion.



Newsflash: He was never genuinely funny. His whole shtick was just borrowing Dennis Miller's metaphor-abuse act, and tweaking it for fratboys and adolescents.

You just though it was funny when you were younger because you were less sophisticated. Now that you're older you see him for what he is: A one-trick pony with decent writing ability, a thesaurus, and a good memory for pop culture references.

No offense to the guy, but he's the Tim Burton of funny articles.
 
2012-04-08 04:12:37 PM

James Scameron: -bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....


Actually, Cruise's last couple of efforts in the Mission Impossible series appeared like he's had some Krav or Keysi training.
 
2012-04-08 04:13:09 PM

SockMonkeyHolocaust: Mugato: I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.

This is because Aikido is one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go.


As an addendum, look at anything that uses Jeet Kun Do or when the guy in Blade III actually busts out an arm bar on a vampire and they are just awesome for moves except the guy who always specializes in wrestling-type moves in Kung Fu movies is always the first to get his ass kicked.
 
2012-04-08 04:14:40 PM

theflatline: James Scameron: -bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....

When you look as good as Bronson did at 54...

[tnation.t-nation.com image 640x426]


One of my favourite movies of all time.The fight against Robert Tessier was well choreographed.
 
2012-04-08 04:15:37 PM

SockMonkeyHolocaust: SockMonkeyHolocaust: Mugato: I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.

This is because Aikido is one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go.

As an addendum, look at anything that uses Jeet Kun Do or when the guy in Blade III actually busts out an arm bar on a vampire and they are just awesome for moves except the guy who always specializes in wrestling-type moves in Kung Fu movies is always the first to get his ass kicked.


Or one step in Krav. Step one - kick them in the nuts....game over.
 
2012-04-08 04:17:15 PM

The_Gallant_Gallstone: thornhill: Then in the end of the 1990s he bulked up and adopted a "I'm too cool for this movie" persona, which I find kinda maddening. And then on top of that, he hasn't chosen his film roles well -- lost of turkeys.

He was in 12 Monkeys. Your argument is invalid.


1995 = ends of the 1990s? Who knew.
 
mhd
2012-04-08 04:17:34 PM
Oh, we've reached the "My glorified gym teacher's marketing scheme is better than yours!" stage?
 
2012-04-08 04:20:30 PM
What, no Reb Brown?


/Roll Fizzlebody
 
2012-04-08 04:20:53 PM
And no John Saxon? What the hell? The worst f*cking kung-fu action fighter of all time is John Saxon in Enter the Dragon. He was brutally bad.
blogs.sundaymercury.net
 
2012-04-08 04:21:07 PM

indarwinsshadow: SockMonkeyHolocaust: SockMonkeyHolocaust: Mugato: I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.

This is because Aikido is one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go.

As an addendum, look at anything that uses Jeet Kun Do or when the guy in Blade III actually busts out an arm bar on a vampire and they are just awesome for moves except the guy who always specializes in wrestling-type moves in Kung Fu movies is always the first to get his ass kicked.

Or one step in Krav. Step one - kick them in the nuts....game over.


I have a good friend in the IDF, and we were sharing drinks in Colombia last year, and I asked him about Krav. And he that he didnt fight unless he had too, because he was going to hurt someone badly, that was how he was trained.

Then he told me about his training "Much of it was was getting beat with sticks and rocks and being able to walk upright at the end"

Nicest guy in the world, but I saw 4 coked up Colombians think they could take the Israeli. It was over in about 90 seconds, and he went back to drinking.
 
2012-04-08 04:22:30 PM
List fails without John Cena.

I'm not just talking about his movies either.
 
2012-04-08 04:24:50 PM

theflatline: I have a good friend in the IDF, and we were sharing drinks in Colombia last year, and I asked him about Krav. And he that he didnt fight unless he had too, because he was going to hurt someone badly, that was how he was trained.

Then he told me about his training "Much of it was was getting beat with sticks and rocks and being able to walk upright at the end"

Nicest guy in the world, but I saw 4 coked up Colombians think they could take the Israeli. It was over in about 90 seconds, and he went back to drinking.



you must tell us more of this cool story, bro.
 
2012-04-08 04:31:00 PM
I have an Israeli friend who once took on 9 guys who were on angel dust and bearing automatic weapons ... my Israeli friend took them all down in less time than it takes you to read this post.

All while he was eating a falafel sandwich ... he didn't even have to put the down the sandwich, that's how good he is.

I was like "Dude, aren't you even going to put your sandwich down?"

And he was like "There is no need."
 
2012-04-08 04:32:05 PM

Ishkur: What, no Reb Brown?


/Roll Fizzlebody


BUFF DRINKLOTS
 
2012-04-08 04:33:34 PM

theflatline: indarwinsshadow: SockMonkeyHolocaust: SockMonkeyHolocaust: Mugato: I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.

This is because Aikido is one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go.

As an addendum, look at anything that uses Jeet Kun Do or when the guy in Blade III actually busts out an arm bar on a vampire and they are just awesome for moves except the guy who always specializes in wrestling-type moves in Kung Fu movies is always the first to get his ass kicked.

Or one step in Krav. Step one - kick them in the nuts....game over.

I have a good friend in the IDF, and we were sharing drinks in Colombia last year, and I asked him about Krav. And he that he didnt fight unless he had too, because he was going to hurt someone badly, that was how he was trained.

Then he told me about his training "Much of it was was getting beat with sticks and rocks and being able to walk upright at the end"

Nicest guy in the world, but I saw 4 coked up Colombians think they could take the Israeli. It was over in about 90 seconds, and he went back to drinking.


But how often do you see Colombians attack with sticks and rocks?
 
2012-04-08 04:34:19 PM

LawrencePerson: Back on topic, where's Lump Beefbroth?

Are you sure you're not thinking of Slab Bulkhead or Crunch Buttsteak?


Stupid names....
 
2012-04-08 04:37:01 PM

Flint Ironstag: LawrencePerson: Back on topic, where's Lump Beefbroth?

Are you sure you're not thinking of Slab Bulkhead or Crunch Buttsteak?

Stupid names....


Very, very nice. I lol'd.
 
2012-04-08 04:48:49 PM

Flint Ironstag: LawrencePerson: Back on topic, where's Lump Beefbroth?

Are you sure you're not thinking of Slab Bulkhead or Crunch Buttsteak?

Stupid names....


img71.imageshack.us
 
2012-04-08 04:52:05 PM

indarwinsshadow: SockMonkeyHolocaust: SockMonkeyHolocaust: Mugato: I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.

This is because Aikido is one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go.

As an addendum, look at anything that uses Jeet Kun Do or when the guy in Blade III actually busts out an arm bar on a vampire and they are just awesome for moves except the guy who always specializes in wrestling-type moves in Kung Fu movies is always the first to get his ass kicked.

Or one step in Krav. Step one - kick them in the nuts....game over.


N'ah, that's bollocks. If your attacker is bigger than you, or if they're on coke or aggressively drunk, you can't just rely on pain to stop them immediately.

Stomp kick the front of their knee and pop that, and then none of that matters, they won't be coming after you.

/damage, not pain
 
2012-04-08 04:52:58 PM

indarwinsshadow: And no John Saxon? What the hell? The worst f*cking kung-fu action fighter of all time is John Saxon in Enter the Dragon. He was brutally bad.
[blogs.sundaymercury.net image 378x195]



Let's not even speak of Kareem Abdul Jabbar.
 
2012-04-08 05:03:56 PM
List fails without Keanu Reeves.
 
2012-04-08 05:04:05 PM

LawrencePerson: Back on topic, where's Lump Beefbroth?

Are you sure you're not thinking of Slab Bulkhead or Crunch Buttsteak?


Nah, he's thinking of Thick McRunfast, BlastHardcheese or Bob Johnson
 
2012-04-08 05:07:38 PM

SockMonkeyHolocaust: Mugato: I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.

This is because Aikido is one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go.


That and he stole the "CIA" stories from books, magazines and his bodyguard.

/Of course there is no record. It's classified!
 
2012-04-08 05:08:49 PM
The reason Fred Williamson movies suck is because he refuses to job. Job ie lose. The lead always has to lose the first fight or get some kind of beat down. Williamson won't. He beats down the heel in the middle of the movie, so what's left at the end?
 
2012-04-08 05:13:08 PM

hbk72777: The reason Fred Williamson movies suck is because he refuses to job.


That would explain the ending of Warrior of the Lost World, then.
 
2012-04-08 05:14:54 PM

sat1va: Christopher Lambert


Cut him a bit of slack... because of his extremely bad eyesight, and inability to wear contacts... he's legally blind if he doesn't have his glasses on.
 
2012-04-08 05:19:28 PM
Toby McGuire and Leo DiCaprio. DiCaprio is a great actor but he always seems a little childlike to be a believable action star.
 
2012-04-08 05:20:20 PM
can someone make an animated gif of David Heavener running up to the guy and kicking him the groin?
 
2012-04-08 05:26:53 PM

SockMonkeyHolocaust: Mugato: I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.

This is because Aikido is one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go.


It just seems that the guy lunches at Segal and Segal does a little flippy thing with his wrist and the guy's down. I haven't seen every Segal movie by a long shot but I can't remember him ever getting hit. I also can't remember him throwing a kick.

Now in real life I understand you just want to take the guy down quickly but his movies aren't martial arts instructional videos, they're action movies.
 
2012-04-08 05:31:22 PM
Keenen Ivory Wayans tried action and failed quite badly.
 
2012-04-08 05:46:56 PM

DanInKansas: My wife asked "Is Sarah Michelle Geller on there?"

Because we both knew she should have been.


To be fair, TV shows simply do not have the time or budget to do any proper action scenes, fights, stunts etc, let alone actual rehearsal. They have to film a whole episode in the same time a decent action movie will take to film one fight. If some trick shot hasn't worked the first two or three times a TV director will have to just give up, move on and the episode does without it. No time to try four, five, six times.
 
2012-04-08 05:47:46 PM
So what makes a good action star and who fills the bill?

My vote goes to Harrison Ford (in his prime; Indiana Jones)
 
2012-04-08 05:54:20 PM
Bill Cosby would have made the list if the government had declassified Leanord Parts 1-5.
 
2012-04-08 05:59:47 PM

Hardy-r-r: My vote goes to Harrison Ford (in his prime; Indiana Jones)


Even the bareknuckle fist fight in the last one was impressive.
 
2012-04-08 06:01:34 PM

The_Sponge: Side note:

I love "Burn Notice", but I chuckle every time Fiona kicks ass in a fight.


Likewise. Her arms would snap like dry twigs. I can hardly stand looking at her, even though I like her character.
 
2012-04-08 06:11:12 PM

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: I don't rightly care that Rudy Ray Moore couldn't fight. That dude was 200 pounds of awesome in a 100-pound capacity leisure suit.


Totally agree.

And the end of Death Warrior with Cuneyt Arkin may be among the greatest six minutes ever committed to film.

That was brilliant!

StopLurkListen: My least believable action stars:
Undecided:
Jackie Chan. Awesome talent, unsure if all the clownery disqualifies...


Try an early Chan film like Drunken Master.
 
2012-04-08 06:14:48 PM
Jeff Speakman, where are you?
 
2012-04-08 06:17:14 PM
I was scared Olivier Grunner was going to make the list - glad he didn't because he is awesome
 
2012-04-08 06:18:41 PM

thornhill: Mark Wahlberg, no question.

Not only is he an even worse actor than Schwarzenegger, but he has this totally undeserving and unconvincing air to him that he's the coolest guy in the world (George Clooney and Brad Pitt have it, but they can get away with it).


He stunk in "Planet Of The Apes" but he was golden in "The Other Guys".

I think Liam makes a convincing action hero. I guess it's because he's packing some legendary Huey Lewis-sized heat down there.
 
2012-04-08 06:22:38 PM

Mugato: Hardy-r-r: My vote goes to Harrison Ford (in his prime; Indiana Jones)

Even the bareknuckle fist fight in the last one was impressive.


The genius of Harrison Ford was that he never really was an action start. That is, he was always a bit too old for the parts which made him vulnerable (he was nearly 40 when Raiders was made), he was not pretty boy good looking, he wasn't muscular, wasn't cool, he always took a beating, but was just more determined than his advisories.

Of course, now he is just too old, and it hasn't helped that last really good movie he was in was in was The Fugitive in 1993! When they write his obituary, they're going to leave out everything after Air Force One (1997), except for a minor mention that he reprised the role Indiana Jones in a terrible movie.
 
2012-04-08 06:26:32 PM

Porous Horace: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: I don't rightly care that Rudy Ray Moore couldn't fight. That dude was 200 pounds of awesome in a 100-pound capacity leisure suit.

Totally agree.

And the end of Death Warrior with Cuneyt Arkin may be among the greatest six minutes ever committed to film.

That was brilliant!

StopLurkListen: My least believable action stars:
Undecided:
Jackie Chan. Awesome talent, unsure if all the clownery disqualifies...

Try an early Chan film like Drunken Master.


This sequence from Drunken Master II is still one of my favorites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6o9p8yXjr0&feature=related (ignore the stupid dubbing)
 
2012-04-08 06:33:50 PM

Porous Horace: Totally agree.


*fistbump*

Disco Godfather is just as essential as the Dolemite movies, in my humblest of humble opinions.


Porous Horace: That was brilliant!


Michael Bay needs to know that THAT'S how it's done.

And I'll take that over James Cameron's Avatar any day of the week.


vrax: This sequence from Drunken Master II is still one of my favorites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6o9p8yXjr0&feature=related (ignore the stupid dubbing)


Seriously boss sequence, that.

The big guy was actually Jackie Chan's real-life bodyguard. He didn't look like a guy you'd want to mess with, no.
 
2012-04-08 06:40:12 PM

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: Michael Bay needs to know that THAT'S how it's done.


Coincidentally I'm watching my first Transformers movie on FX. The second one. I clearly remember the old cartoon having more dignity.
 
2012-04-08 06:44:24 PM

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: Porous Horace: Totally agree.

*fistbump*

Disco Godfather is just as essential as the Dolemite movies, in my humblest of humble opinions.


Porous Horace: That was brilliant!

Michael Bay needs to know that THAT'S how it's done.

And I'll take that over James Cameron's Avatar any day of the week.


vrax: This sequence from Drunken Master II is still one of my favorites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6o9p8yXjr0&feature=related (ignore the stupid dubbing)

Seriously boss sequence, that.

The big guy was actually Jackie Chan's real-life bodyguard. He didn't look like a guy you'd want to mess with, no.


This scene from Wheels on Meals is one of my favorites. The movie itself ... not so much.
 
2012-04-08 06:44:26 PM

vrax: Porous Horace: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: I don't rightly care that Rudy Ray Moore couldn't fight. That dude was 200 pounds of awesome in a 100-pound capacity leisure suit.

Totally agree.

And the end of Death Warrior with Cuneyt Arkin may be among the greatest six minutes ever committed to film.

That was brilliant!

StopLurkListen: My least believable action stars:
Undecided:
Jackie Chan. Awesome talent, unsure if all the clownery disqualifies...

Try an early Chan film like Drunken Master.

This sequence from Drunken Master II is still one of my favorites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6o9p8yXjr0&feature=related (ignore the stupid dubbing)


I always did love early Jackie Chan movies, his clownery was what made some of his movies. The fight choreography for some of them must have taken forever and a day to get right. Also, Jet Li's earlier Chinese films have some pretty awesome fight scenes as well.
 
2012-04-08 06:51:54 PM
farm6.static.flickr.com


And we all watched 'Wonder Woman' for those action-packed fighting scenes.

 
2012-04-08 06:52:16 PM
Say what you will about Dolemite, but make sure you finish it up with "...and it's a bad ass movie!"

/Cue the xkcd comic
//Dolemite's my name and farking up mutha farkas is my game!
 
2012-04-08 06:56:17 PM

rickycal78: vrax: Porous Horace: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: I don't rightly care that Rudy Ray Moore couldn't fight. That dude was 200 pounds of awesome in a 100-pound capacity leisure suit.

Totally agree.

And the end of Death Warrior with Cuneyt Arkin may be among the greatest six minutes ever committed to film.

That was brilliant!

StopLurkListen: My least believable action stars:
Undecided:
Jackie Chan. Awesome talent, unsure if all the clownery disqualifies...

Try an early Chan film like Drunken Master.

This sequence from Drunken Master II is still one of my favorites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6o9p8yXjr0&feature=related (ignore the stupid dubbing)

I always did love early Jackie Chan movies, his clownery was what made some of his movies. The fight choreography for some of them must have taken forever and a day to get right. Also, Jet Li's earlier Chinese films have some pretty awesome fight scenes as well.


Yeah, exactly. Plus, the thing that always drew me in was that the actors were the stunt men. No stunt and camera trick action movie BS. When you see Jackie Chan fall down the face of that clock tower in Project-A, that's F'n Jackie Chan nearly killing himself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcOdI-pDEHI
 
2012-04-08 06:57:19 PM

Mugato: Coincidentally I'm watching my first Transformers movie on FX. The second one. I clearly remember the old cartoon having more dignity.


Oh, the second one hurt.

I won't lie to you.

The first movie was passable, but the second movie was so loud and full of quickly edited shaky images, I felt that I was assaulted by a cameraman with a boombox or something.


Porous Horace: This scene from Wheels on Meals is one of my favorites. The movie itself ... not so much.


Mmhmm... man, we could be here all day talking about awesome Jackie Chan action sequences. Like rickycal78 said, his early stuff was boss.


NaziKamikaze: Say what you will about Dolemite, but make sure you finish it up with "...and it's a bad ass movie!"

/Cue the xkcd comic
//Dolemite's my name and farking up mutha farkas is my game!


Quoth the trailer: "I'm the one who killed Monday, whooped Tuesday, put Wednesday in the hospital, called up Thursday to tell Friday not to bury Saturday on Sunday!"

*That* is a boast.
 
2012-04-08 06:59:35 PM

vrax: Yeah, exactly. Plus, the thing that always drew me in was that the actors were the stunt men. No stunt and camera trick action movie BS. When you see Jackie Chan fall down the face of that clock tower in Project-A, that's F'n Jackie Chan nearly killing himself:


The Angry Video Game Nerd had a feature on his 10 favorite Jackie Chan stunts.

Looking at them, it's a miracle that he didn't end up killing himself... which he nearly did in that one movie where he fell from a tree, hit his head on a rock, and bled from the ears.
 
2012-04-08 07:05:49 PM

rickycal78: vrax: Porous Horace: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: I don't rightly care that Rudy Ray Moore couldn't fight. That dude was 200 pounds of awesome in a 100-pound capacity leisure suit.

Totally agree.

And the end of Death Warrior with Cuneyt Arkin may be among the greatest six minutes ever committed to film.

That was brilliant!

StopLurkListen: My least believable action stars:
Undecided:
Jackie Chan. Awesome talent, unsure if all the clownery disqualifies...

Try an early Chan film like Drunken Master.

This sequence from Drunken Master II is still one of my favorites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6o9p8yXjr0&feature=related (ignore the stupid dubbing)

I always did love early Jackie Chan movies, his clownery was what made some of his movies. The fight choreography for some of them must have taken forever and a day to get right. Also, Jet Li's earlier Chinese films have some pretty awesome fight scenes as well.


Then I guess you would get a kick out of Jackie Chan up against Jet Li in The Forbidden Kingdom.

/And Donnie Yen doesn't get nearly enough mention, his work in Ip Man is probably the cleanest, most high impact fight choreography I've ever seen
 
2012-04-08 07:09:21 PM

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: vrax: Yeah, exactly. Plus, the thing that always drew me in was that the actors were the stunt men. No stunt and camera trick action movie BS. When you see Jackie Chan fall down the face of that clock tower in Project-A, that's F'n Jackie Chan nearly killing himself:

The Angry Video Game Nerd had a feature on his 10 favorite Jackie Chan stunts.

Looking at them, it's a miracle that he didn't end up killing himself... which he nearly did in that one movie where he fell from a tree, hit his head on a rock, and bled from the ears.


Back in the mid 90's I got to very briefly meet Jackie Chan at the San Francisco premier of Rumble In The Bronx. By that point I'd seen everything he'd been in and was simply amazed at how good and healthy he looked. Being 18 years his junior I felt both humbled and somewhat pathetic.
 
2012-04-08 07:19:32 PM

vrax: Back in the mid 90's I got to very briefly meet Jackie Chan at the San Francisco premier of Rumble In The Bronx. By that point I'd seen everything he'd been in and was simply amazed at how good and healthy he looked. Being 18 years his junior I felt both humbled and somewhat pathetic.


Man alive... that'd be something to remember, I'd say!

/loves Rumble in the Bronx
 
2012-04-08 07:22:32 PM

Porous Horace: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: I don't rightly care that Rudy Ray Moore couldn't fight. That dude was 200 pounds of awesome in a 100-pound capacity leisure suit.

Totally agree.

And the end of Death Warrior with Cuneyt Arkin may be among the greatest six minutes ever committed to film.

That was brilliant!

StopLurkListen: My least believable action stars:
Undecided:
Jackie Chan. Awesome talent, unsure if all the clownery disqualifies...

Try an early Chan film like Drunken Master.


Good choice. That's probably my favorite Chan movie, but ... hard to say. His talent is undeniable, as is his comic timing. And the DVD extras are almost as entertaining as the movies!
 
2012-04-08 07:25:55 PM

James Scameron: -bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....


Oh, right, this is another thread where *we hate anyone popular and successful. I keep forgetting.

*actually, that's every thread
 
2012-04-08 07:35:14 PM

MadAzza: Oh, right, this is another thread where *we hate anyone popular and successful. I keep forgetting.

*actually, that's every thread


No it's not it's the thread where the troll climbs out from under his rock, says something stupid and crawls back.
 
2012-04-08 07:39:42 PM
List needs more Pierre Kirby.
Full Metal Ninja FTW
 
2012-04-08 07:40:49 PM

dogbone: Jeff Speakman, where are you?


I wasn't going to RTFA, but "stop with the kicking" better be in there!

/obscure?
 
2012-04-08 07:56:10 PM

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: In Eric Roberts' defense, he couldn't fight because they took his thumb.


He should've gotten Mickey Rourke to back him up.
 
2012-04-08 07:56:59 PM

FeedTheCollapse: can someone make an animated gif of David Heavener running up to the guy and kicking him the groin?


fine, I'll do it myself!
 
2012-04-08 07:57:24 PM

MadAzza: Porous Horace: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: I don't rightly care that Rudy Ray Moore couldn't fight. That dude was 200 pounds of awesome in a 100-pound capacity leisure suit.

Totally agree.

And the end of Death Warrior with Cuneyt Arkin may be among the greatest six minutes ever committed to film.

That was brilliant!

StopLurkListen: My least believable action stars:
Undecided:
Jackie Chan. Awesome talent, unsure if all the clownery disqualifies...

Try an early Chan film like Drunken Master.

Good choice. That's probably my favorite Chan movie, but ... hard to say. His talent is undeniable, as is his comic timing. And the DVD extras are almost as entertaining as the movies!


DM is superior quality, good eye!

JC doesn't like it much but I still have a soft spot for "The Big Brawl".

/They're breaking bones over here!
 
2012-04-08 07:59:17 PM
He should have linked this David Carradine Kung Fu workout video. It's way more awesome.
 
2012-04-08 08:00:07 PM
So long as we're discussing best Jackie Chan scenes. I submit I'll Teach You to Adjust to Circumstances (new window), from Fearless Hyena.

And no action movie thread would be complete with out a nod to Tony Jaa and the Restaurant Fight (new window) in The Protector.
 
2012-04-08 08:03:25 PM

MadAzza: James Scameron: -bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....

Oh, right, this is another thread where *we hate anyone popular and successful. I keep forgetting.

*actually, that's every thread


Nah, just another one where that douche scameron trolls for bait. Do what I do, put him on block.
 
2012-04-08 08:18:08 PM
What the heck, some might enjoy this ... Jackie Chan stunt outtakes (pops, not mine)
 
2012-04-08 08:21:50 PM

galactus5000: MadAzza: James Scameron: -bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....

Oh, right, this is another thread where *we hate anyone popular and successful. I keep forgetting.

*actually, that's every thread

Nah, just another one where that douche scameron trolls for bait. Do what I do, put him on block.


Yeah, you guys are right. I'm sorry I fell for it and cluttered up the thread.
 
2012-04-08 08:46:04 PM
I vote we all stop talking in another boring "I hate popular things, I don't even own a TV!" thread, and instead all go out and watch The Raid again. It's a good movie that deserves to make money.
 
2012-04-08 08:52:20 PM
FTFA : "If Fred Williamson made John Carter, it would have been called Spaceman Brown: Chocolate Motherfarker, and it would have turned a $250 million profit."

i3.ytimg.com


Not sure why Eric Roberts is on there especially with "Best of the Best" as the example. That movie actually made Tae Kwon Do look halfway badassed
 
2012-04-08 08:57:50 PM
As a fan of cult and B-movie classics, I have seen some pretty awful fight scenes.

Blacxplotation movies were low-budget and mostly date from the early 1970s when "fight scene" special effects and computer graphics were in their infancy. They couldn't afford the stand-ins, let alone the CGI fighters flying through the air in brave defiance of all the laws of physics.

The worst fight scene ever may be the one I watched recently with Riff Trax. Frankenstein Island has a fight scene which is like a slap-fight without a slap-stick. It was laughable without the commentary.

I believe I have seen Williamson recently in one of these riffed movies as well.

As for William Shatner, he's the Roy "Crash" Corrigan of the Twenty Somethingth Century.

Aging boxers, weight-lifters and football players may be the worst action heroes but at least they don't box, race cars, or smoke big cigars on Letterman. They leave that crap to the young stars and starlets. And politicians, like Justin Trudeau and Senator Brazeau. Lib-boy kicked Con-boy's ass. The Senator, appropriately, had the weight and the reach, but Trudeau had the spunk and the heart which endeared his Father to so many who hated him as well as Trudeau-maniacs.
 
2012-04-08 09:07:43 PM

Porous Horace: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: Porous Horace: Totally agree.

*fistbump*

Disco Godfather is just as essential as the Dolemite movies, in my humblest of humble opinions.


Porous Horace: That was brilliant!

Michael Bay needs to know that THAT'S how it's done.

And I'll take that over James Cameron's Avatar any day of the week.


vrax: This sequence from Drunken Master II is still one of my favorites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6o9p8yXjr0&feature=related (ignore the stupid dubbing)

Seriously boss sequence, that.

The big guy was actually Jackie Chan's real-life bodyguard. He didn't look like a guy you'd want to mess with, no.

This scene from Wheels on Meals is one of my favorites. The movie itself ... not so much.


Jackie looks like he's fighting Amanda Bynes ala She's the Man.
 
2012-04-08 09:35:29 PM
brantgoose: Blacxplotation movies were low-budget and mostly date from the early 1970s when "fight scene" special effects and computer graphics were in their infancy. They couldn't afford the stand-ins, let alone the CGI fighters flying through the air in brave defiance of all the laws of physics.

And the reason they couldn't afford them is because the hardware and software to accomplish this task had yet to be developed.


Aging boxers, weight-lifters and football players may be the worst action heroes but at least they don't box, race cars, or smoke big cigars on Letterman..

?????
 
2012-04-08 09:46:44 PM

MadAzza: He should've gotten Mickey Rourke to back him up.


Or at the very least, Mickey Rourke's bodily funk.

Very potent stuff!
 
2012-04-08 09:51:34 PM
JOE.

DON.

BAKER.


/speaking of Jon Saxon
//wasn't he in this movie?
 
2012-04-08 09:57:47 PM

Primitive Screwhead:

JOE.

DON.

BAKER.


MITCHELL!
 
2012-04-08 10:00:22 PM

Miss Stein: Primitive Screwhead:

JOE.

DON.

BAKER.


MITCHELL!


Heart pound'n!
Veins clog'n!
 
2012-04-08 10:04:57 PM
Gil Gerard needs to be on that list.
 
2012-04-08 10:10:47 PM

LeroyBourne: Keenen Ivory Wayans tried action and failed quite badly.


He failed on purpose. Couldn't you tell by how he said it was comedy later.
 
2012-04-08 10:55:33 PM

indarwinsshadow: And no John Saxon? What the hell? The worst f*cking kung-fu action fighter of all time is John Saxon in Enter the Dragon. He was brutally bad.


He could kick your ass.
 
2012-04-08 11:16:47 PM

SockMonkeyHolocaust: Mugato: I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.

This is because Aikido is one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go.


To be fair, Steven Seagal is probably the worst representative of what is supposed to be a purely defensive martial-art.
 
2012-04-08 11:19:32 PM

MadAzza: Porous Horace: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: I don't rightly care that Rudy Ray Moore couldn't fight. That dude was 200 pounds of awesome in a 100-pound capacity leisure suit.

Totally agree.

And the end of Death Warrior with Cuneyt Arkin may be among the greatest six minutes ever committed to film.

That was brilliant!

StopLurkListen: My least believable action stars:
Undecided:
Jackie Chan. Awesome talent, unsure if all the clownery disqualifies...

Try an early Chan film like Drunken Master.

Good choice. That's probably my favorite Chan movie, but ... hard to say. His talent is undeniable, as is his comic timing. And the DVD extras are almost as entertaining as the movies!


"What do you call that move?" "Nursing a Hangover!"

/love that movie
 
2012-04-08 11:26:14 PM

Miss Stein: Also missing from list:

Richard Chamberlain in Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold

Barry Bostwick as Capt. Ace Hunter in Megaforce.

/shudder


LOL I kept scrolling hoping to see Ace on there !!! :)
 
2012-04-08 11:30:16 PM
CSB time

Back in my undergrad I took a Recycled Cinema class where we watched Turkish Star Wars and since my professor was Persian and spoke Turkish he was able to set up a skype chat with Cuneyt Arkin. Most of the class just fawned over him and the dude seemed like he had an ego the size of those rocks he breaks while training. He barely comprehended our questions and it was an awkward hour and a half. Still a cool guy though. I'd let him take my sister to dinner.

He also said he'd never seen the real Star Wars when they started making the film and only put in SW references halfway through filming when an extra found bootlegged copies and made him sit down to watch it. That helped me make sense of the movie.

/fun class
 
2012-04-09 12:04:06 AM
An in-depth analysis of Kirk Fu. (new window)

Kirk's Fighting Tips:

For a powerful strike, lace your fingers together and swing them at your opponent's back.

If you are thrown to the ground during a fight, take the opportunity to rest up and plan your next attack-it's just common sense.

When caught in a bear hug, slap both the opponent's ears. Run away while the enemy is reeling in pain.
 
2012-04-09 12:47:10 AM

FuryOfFirestorm: thornhill: Mark Wahlberg, no question.

Not only is he an even worse actor than Schwarzenegger, but he has this totally undeserving and unconvincing air to him that he's the coolest guy in the world (George Clooney and Brad Pitt have it, but they can get away with it).

He stunk in "Planet Of The Apes" but he was golden in "The Other Guys".

I think Liam makes a convincing action hero. I guess it's because he's packing some legendary Huey Lewis-sized heat down there.


www.filmreference.com



/Haven't seen this movie since around 1994, wonder how it's held up
 
2012-04-09 01:00:29 AM

spottymax: And we all watched 'Wonder Woman' for those action-packed fighting scenes.


The article mentions the WW fight scenes being a turn on. Duh. Her doing everything from running or jumping or being gassed was a turn on.

Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that last one.....


Growing up, my older brother and I used to argue a "who'd a won" between Jim Kirk and James West. Hard to root for someone as insufferable as Robert Conrad, plus Kirk was the man.
 
2012-04-09 01:16:02 AM

Brainsick: FuryOfFirestorm: thornhill: Mark Wahlberg, no question.

Not only is he an even worse actor than Schwarzenegger, but he has this totally undeserving and unconvincing air to him that he's the coolest guy in the world (George Clooney and Brad Pitt have it, but they can get away with it).

He stunk in "Planet Of The Apes" but he was golden in "The Other Guys".

I think Liam makes a convincing action hero. I guess it's because he's packing some legendary Huey Lewis-sized heat down there.

[www.filmreference.com image 519x394]



/Haven't seen this movie since around 1994, wonder how it's held up


Saw it again last year. IMHO, it's held up pretty well. Definitely worth another watch.
 
2012-04-09 01:28:07 AM

theflatline: James Scameron: -bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....

When you look as good as Bronson did at 54...



[tnation.t-nation.com image 640x426]


i look better...and i have 60 years to go


BY THE WAY EVERYONE,LOOKING GOOD AT 54 MAKES YOU AN AWESOME ACTION STAR

your douchtatilian logic makes you an epic fail
 
2012-04-09 01:32:55 AM

coco ebert: marius2: Number 4 (Turkish guy slapping rocks) was the absolute best thing I've seen all week. If you actually know how to fight, especially if you know how to kick, it can kinda ruin some action movies for you. "Oh man, that was one hell of a crescent kick *rolls eyes*"

You have to see the whole movie, Turkish Star Wars (the actual Turkish title translates to "The Man Who Saved the World"). It's effin' hilarious. I always liked seanbaby's review of it as well. For some reason I can't find it on teh googles.

/turkish
//proud of our deliciously bad sci fi movies



I'm partial to fake Turkish Doctor Who (new window), myself.
 
2012-04-09 01:33:59 AM

MadAzza: galactus5000: MadAzza: James Scameron: -bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....

Oh, right, this is another thread where *we hate anyone popular and successful. I keep forgetting.

*actually, that's every thread

Nah, just another one where that douche scameron trolls for bait. Do what I do, put him on block.

Yeah, you guys are right. I'm sorry I fell for it and cluttered up the thread.


naw, you clutter up the thread.

i made an unspecified list there...with no qualifiers...and as ususal, you guys got in with your
CRY HARD.

see, thats what makes you funny clowns..it's why your only friends are THE INTERENEX and GOOGLEZ

the list goes on etc etc...

sandy vaginas...
 
2012-04-09 01:38:32 AM
-roger moore popular and successful
-sylvester stallone popular and successful
-wesley snipes popular and successful
-ben affleck popular and successful
-tom cruise popular and successful
-charles bronson popular and successful

WHICH ONES ARE THESE OF WRONGS INTERNETS?
 
2012-04-09 01:40:40 AM

Springy23: CSB time

Back in my undergrad I took a Recycled Cinema class where we watched Turkish Star Wars and since my professor was Persian and spoke Turkish he was able to set up a skype chat with Cuneyt Arkin. Most of the class just fawned over him and the dude seemed like he had an ego the size of those rocks he breaks while training. He barely comprehended our questions and it was an awkward hour and a half. Still a cool guy though. I'd let him take my sister to dinner.

He also said he'd never seen the real Star Wars when they started making the film and only put in SW references halfway through filming when an extra found bootlegged copies and made him sit down to watch it. That helped me make sense of the movie.

/fun class


no one cares.
go have dinner with Alana\ Arkin now and EVERYONE has dated your sister already so pfffttt
 
2012-04-09 02:02:02 AM
How... how did Seanbaby miss Steven Segal?! He should be #1!
 
2012-04-09 02:14:04 AM

Brainsick: FuryOfFirestorm: thornhill: Mark Wahlberg, no question.

Not only is he an even worse actor than Schwarzenegger, but he has this totally undeserving and unconvincing air to him that he's the coolest guy in the world (George Clooney and Brad Pitt have it, but they can get away with it).

He stunk in "Planet Of The Apes" but he was golden in "The Other Guys".

I think Liam makes a convincing action hero. I guess it's because he's packing some legendary Huey Lewis-sized heat down there.

[www.filmreference.com image 519x394]



/Haven't seen this movie since around 1994, wonder how it's held up


Saw it the other day. It's rather camp, yet still fun with some genuine depth you won't find in modern actions.
 
2012-04-09 02:16:15 AM

Your_Huckleberry: spottymax: And we all watched 'Wonder Woman' for those action-packed fighting scenes.

The article mentions the WW fight scenes being a turn on. Duh. Her doing everything from running or jumping or being gassed was a turn on.

Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that last one
.....


Growing up, my older brother and I used to argue a "who'd a won" between Jim Kirk and James West. Hard to root for someone as insufferable as Robert Conrad, plus Kirk was the man.


I always thought that scene where WW was fighting a robot doppleganger that ended with the robot get punched in the head by a boxing gloce was pretty hot.

/brb fbi
 
2012-04-09 02:42:23 AM

The_Gallant_Gallstone: thornhill: Mark Wahlberg, no question.

Not only is he an even worse actor than Schwarzenegger, but he has this totally undeserving and unconvincing air to him that he's the coolest guy in the world (George Clooney and Brad Pitt have it, but they can get away with it).

What... what's going on? I don't get it.

Man... I gotta work out. What's going on here?

What the HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?!?!?


Marky Mark's fine. But he has the most annoying voice in all of hollywood.

Say hello to your mother for me.
 
2012-04-09 02:45:48 AM

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: MadAzza: He should've gotten Mickey Rourke to back him up.

Or at the very least, Mickey Rourke's bodily funk.

Very potent stuff!


I'll handle his funk! (popes)
 
2012-04-09 08:22:23 AM

Gordon Bennett: coco ebert: marius2: Number 4 (Turkish guy slapping rocks) was the absolute best thing I've seen all week. If you actually know how to fight, especially if you know how to kick, it can kinda ruin some action movies for you. "Oh man, that was one hell of a crescent kick *rolls eyes*"

You have to see the whole movie, Turkish Star Wars (the actual Turkish title translates to "The Man Who Saved the World"). It's effin' hilarious. I always liked seanbaby's review of it as well. For some reason I can't find it on teh googles.

/turkish
//proud of our deliciously bad sci fi movies


I'm partial to fake Turkish Doctor Who (new window), myself.


I have seen the end of the internet and that is it.

/awesome
 
2012-04-09 08:32:26 AM

Red Shirt Blues: [i287.photobucket.com image 550x413]

[i287.photobucket.com image 500x375]

[i287.photobucket.com image 560x424]

[i287.photobucket.com image 500x376]

[i287.photobucket.com image 396x300]


best ever post on fark! well done sir!
 
2012-04-09 09:04:36 AM
For a guy who made and starred in Kung Fu films, Jimmy Wang Yu couldn't really do much at all. But then, he was a swimmer before starring in films.
 
2012-04-09 09:09:42 AM
Better Kirk-Fu guide, including the Kirk Drop Kick, the Wall of Destruction, and the Kirk Chop.
 
2012-04-09 09:44:04 AM
Fun list.
 
2012-04-09 09:44:50 AM
StopLurkListen



The most believable action stars:
Matt Damon (any Bourne movie)

WTF? hahahahahaha


Jet Li

yes because all bar fights and back ally brawls are equipped with wire-work gear.



your list if full of fail.
 
2012-04-09 09:46:30 AM
Looks at the list...

#9...yeah that sort of makes sense
#8...who?
#7...yeah, makes sense blaxploitation films and all that
#6...
...
DOES A BROTHER HAVE TO CHOKE THE AUTHOR TO DEATH?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Lynda Carter was Wonder Woman; the author and his argument can go EABOD and DIAF.
 
2012-04-09 09:47:26 AM

ShamWowofDamocles: [i.imgur.com image 301x412]


Frig, I wish the 70s and early 80s would come back in full force.
Then my ape chest would have all the ladies tossing their panties aside.
 
2012-04-09 09:50:34 AM

Psycoholic_Slag: indarwinsshadow: And no John Saxon? What the hell? The worst f*cking kung-fu action fighter of all time is John Saxon in Enter the Dragon. He was brutally bad.
[blogs.sundaymercury.net image 378x195]


Let's not even speak of Kareem Abdul Jabbar.


But at least he had an excuse. Also, Just about ANY movie with Bruce Lee makes any other action star look at least 2x worse because Bruce Lee was ungodly-levels of awesome.
 
2012-04-09 10:31:21 AM
Gotta find some Cuneyt Arkin movies. That was pure win.
 
2012-04-09 10:38:21 AM
BEST. FIGHT. SCENE. EVAR!!!!

Link (new window)
 
2012-04-09 11:21:30 AM
"If he wanted, Fred Williamson could kick your ass so hard that nine months after you die, your wife would give birth to his foot. Full-powered Fred Williamson attacks are the second ingredient in Taco Bell ground beef."

That and the "Spaceman Brown-Chocolate Motherfarker" bit had me in stitches for a good fifteen minutes...
 
2012-04-09 11:45:42 AM

FeedTheCollapse: FeedTheCollapse: can someone make an animated gif of David Heavener running up to the guy and kicking him the groin?

fine, I'll do it myself!


Nice, but I think it should start from the point where he runs on screen with the side view. End at the same point.

Brainsick: www.filmreference.com



/Haven't seen this movie since around 1994, wonder how it's held up


I see what you did there.
 
2012-04-09 11:55:09 AM

limboslam: darwin


He's 75.

Nah. I'm pretty sure I could take him.
 
2012-04-09 12:18:20 PM

Primitive Screwhead: Miss Stein: Primitive Screwhead:

JOE.

DON.

BAKER.


MITCHELL!

Heart pound'n!
Veins clog'n!


Came for this, proud of you all.
 
2012-04-09 01:05:22 PM

BHShaman: ShamWowofDamocles: [i.imgur.com image 301x412]


Frig, I wish the 70s and early 80s would come back in full force.
Then my ape chest would have all the ladies tossing their panties aside.


You and me both man, you and me both.
 
2012-04-09 01:50:22 PM

James Scameron: theflatline: James Scameron: -bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....

When you look as good as Bronson did at 54...



[tnation.t-nation.com image 640x426]

i look better...and i have 60 years to go


BY THE WAY EVERYONE,LOOKING GOOD AT 54 MAKES YOU AN AWESOME ACTION STAR

your douchtatilian logic makes you an epic fail


Only on Fark would some punk talk shiat about Charles farking Bronson. "The Magnificent 7", "The Dirty Dozen", "The Great Escape","Once Upon A Time In The West", and one of the greatest 70's runs: Red Sun, Valachi Papers, Chato's Land, The Mechanic, The Stone Killer, Chino, Mr. Majestic, Death Wish, Breakout, Hard Times, Breakheart Pass, St. Ives, Raid on Entebbe, White Buffalo, Telefon, Love and Bullets, Borderline. He never pretended to be a martial arts expert, but his boxing in "Hard Times" is plenty convincing for a farking 54 year old man. Not his fault he didn't become a successful actor until his forties.
 
2012-04-09 02:04:48 PM

MoronLessOff: FeedTheCollapse: FeedTheCollapse: can someone make an animated gif of David Heavener running up to the guy and kicking him the groin?

fine, I'll do it myself!

Nice, but I think it should start from the point where he runs on screen with the side view. End at the same point.




better?
 
2012-04-09 02:28:58 PM
No Jolie?
 
2012-04-09 02:34:04 PM

rukusrazor: No Jolie?


No. No Jolie.
 
2012-04-09 02:59:50 PM
The fact that all nine entries are not Steven Seagal means this list is incorrect.
 
2012-04-09 03:06:20 PM
1.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-04-09 03:06:39 PM

beerrun: BEST. FIGHT. SCENE. EVAR!!!!

Link (new window)


Yeah, the part where Ann Coulter shows up and kicks the dude's ass is great.
 
2012-04-09 03:06:57 PM
Still waiting for "Remo Williams II - The Adventure Continues"
 
Bf+
2012-04-09 04:35:48 PM
www.internationalhero.co.uk
Good luck getting the song out of your head.
 
2012-04-09 04:46:53 PM
i80.photobucket.com

Honorable mention?
 
2012-04-09 05:01:12 PM

Kraftwerk Orange: [1.bp.blogspot.com image 388x332]


Aww, now that's just mean!
 
2012-04-09 05:10:03 PM

Bf+: www.internationalhero.co.uk
Good luck getting the song out of your head.


You say that like that song's a BAD thing or somethin'.


mekkab: Primitive Screwhead: Miss Stein: Primitive Screwhead:

JOE.

DON.

BAKER.


MITCHELL!

Heart pound'n!
Veins clog'n!

Came for this, proud of you all.


WACKA-JA-WACKA-JA-WACKA-JA-WACKA

(Mitchell's on a corner.)


drewogatory: Only on Fark would some punk talk shiat about Charles farking Bronson.


How about it?

They rarely come any more badass than Charles Bronson.


MadAzza: I'll handle his funk! (popes)


HAHAHAHHAH

That, my friends, is an actor's workshop right there!


GibbyTheMole: Gotta find some Cuneyt Arkin movies. That was pure win.


If that Death Warrior clip is any indication, that's the greatest idea of greatest ideas EVER.
 
2012-04-09 05:21:46 PM

indarwinsshadow: And no John Saxon? What the hell? The worst f*cking kung-fu action fighter of all time is John Saxon in Enter the Dragon. He was brutally bad.
[blogs.sundaymercury.net image 378x195]


While I'm inclined to agree with you, I think he misses this list because, if you removed everything from Enter the Dragon except the scene at the temple in the very beginning (with all the philosophy, the way it was meant to be seen) and all of Bruce's fight scenes and replaced it all with a static shot of a dented soup can sitting on a shelf, it would still be the greatest martial arts/action movie ever made.

What I'm saying is it's a comparison thing.
 
2012-04-09 06:45:37 PM

PainInTheASP: Miss Stein: ....Barry Bostwick as Capt. Ace Hunter in Megaforce.

/shudder

DAMN. I forgot about that movie. Saw it when I was twelve and thought it was awesome! Twenty years later I rented it and couldn't believe how much it sucked. That movie made Battle Beyond the Stars look good.


I tried watching both on Netflix recently. I made it about five minutes in each.

Also, Mard is the greatest of all time.
 
2012-04-09 07:34:40 PM

hbk72777: The reason Fred Williamson Steven Seagal movies suck is because he refuses to job. Job ie lose. The lead always has to lose the first fight or get some kind of beat down. Williamson Seagal won't. He beats down the heel in the middle of the movie, so what's left at the end but lecture us about the environment and play his guitar?


FTFY
 
2012-04-09 08:52:31 PM
Jim VanBebber, Deadbeat at Dawn, Check out his nunchuck skills.
 
2012-04-09 09:40:59 PM
Jackie Chan versus Peter Fonda!

Cannonball Run
 
2012-04-09 10:49:09 PM

SockMonkeyHolocaust: This is because Aikido is .....


Stop right there before you prove you have no farking idea what you're talking about.

one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go

Too late.
 
2012-04-10 01:08:45 AM

LawrencePerson: Back on topic, where's Lump Beefbroth?

Are you sure you're not thinking of Slab Bulkhead or Crunch Buttsteak?


No he clearly meant Skip Hugelarge
 
2012-04-10 01:16:02 AM

spottymax: And we all watched 'Wonder Woman' for those action-packed fighting scenes.


Fully-packed action scenes, you mean.
 
2012-04-10 08:09:30 AM
I vote for Steven Seagal Too.

I have no idea about fighting, but in a movie, you're suposed to root for the good guy!

Even in that movie where he saved all Antartika and baby seals and whatever again evil oil-companys, me old tree-huger still sayed "fark this guy! "
Seriously.
He could have been a passable vilain for pop-corn-flicks
 
2012-04-10 12:29:19 PM

On-Off: I vote for Steven Seagal Too.

I have no idea about fighting, but in a movie, you're suposed to root for the good guy!

Even in that movie where he saved all Antartika and baby seals and whatever again evil oil-companys, me old tree-huger still sayed "fark this guy! "
Seriously.
He could have been a passable vilain for pop-corn-flicks


Exactly. And it's made worse by the fact that all the non-villains in his movies seem to exist for no reason other than to talk about what a badass he is and look at him with this near-worshipful gleam in their eyes.

But you're wrong about one thing... he wouldn't make for a passable villain. He'd be an awesome villain. Wouldn't need to change a single thing about his performance, what little of it there is beyond squinting and whispering.
 
2012-04-10 12:49:28 PM

Richard Roma: But you're wrong about one thing... he wouldn't make for a passable villain. He'd be an awesome villain. Wouldn't need to change a single thing about his performance, what little of it there is beyond squinting and whispering.


He'd make a good henchman. A good villain takes more than that. Alan Rickman, Jeremy Irons, Anthony Hopkins, Gary Oldman, Bela Lugosi. Those guys played villains.
 
2012-04-10 06:03:27 PM

Richard Roma: On-Off: I vote for Steven Seagal Too.

I have no idea about fighting, but in a movie, you're suposed to root for the good guy!

Even in that movie where he saved all Antartika and baby seals and whatever again evil oil-companys, me old tree-huger still sayed "fark this guy! "
Seriously.
He could have been a passable vilain for pop-corn-flicks

Exactly. And it's made worse by the fact that all the non-villains in his movies seem to exist for no reason other than to talk about what a badass he is and look at him with this near-worshipful gleam in their eyes.

But you're wrong about one thing... he wouldn't make for a passable villain. He'd be an awesome villain. Wouldn't need to change a single thing about his performance, what little of it there is beyond squinting and whispering.


Steven Seagal's movies weren't anywhere near as incomprehensibly bad as Van Damme's "films."
 
2012-04-10 09:34:20 PM

thunderbird8804: rickycal78: vrax: Porous Horace: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: I don't rightly care that Rudy Ray Moore couldn't fight. That dude was 200 pounds of awesome in a 100-pound capacity leisure suit.

Totally agree.

And the end of Death Warrior with Cuneyt Arkin may be among the greatest six minutes ever committed to film.

That was brilliant!

StopLurkListen: My least believable action stars:
Undecided:
Jackie Chan. Awesome talent, unsure if all the clownery disqualifies...

Try an early Chan film like Drunken Master.

This sequence from Drunken Master II is still one of my favorites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6o9p8yXjr0&feature=related (ignore the stupid dubbing)

I always did love early Jackie Chan movies, his clownery was what made some of his movies. The fight choreography for some of them must have taken forever and a day to get right. Also, Jet Li's earlier Chinese films have some pretty awesome fight scenes as well.

Then I guess you would get a kick out of Jackie Chan up against Jet Li in The Forbidden Kingdom.

/And Donnie Yen doesn't get nearly enough mention, his work in Ip Man is probably the cleanest, most high impact fight choreography I've ever seen


I know it's late to the thread and you likely won't see this, but I checked out Ip Man on Netflix due to your recommendation, excellent flick, and quite touching for an action movie.
 
2012-04-10 10:15:05 PM

cygnusx13: spottymax: And we all watched 'Wonder Woman' for those action-packed fighting scenes.

Fully-packed action scenes, you mean.


To be perfectly honest the fight scenes are part of the reason I bought the first couple of seasons on DVD, they are friggin hilarious.
 
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