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(Cracked)   The nine worst "action stars" of all time   (cracked.com) divider line 202
    More: Fail, David Carradine, human beings, Lynda Carter, Jean Claude Van Damme, D.L. Hughley, Tori Spelling, Fred Williamson, Tom Petty  
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27211 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 08 Apr 2012 at 2:01 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-04-08 03:35:46 PM
Wonder Woman doesn't need any fighting skill. If she makes contact you're going down.
 
2012-04-08 03:37:32 PM

James Scameron: -bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....


When you look as good as Bronson did at 54...

tnation.t-nation.com
 
2012-04-08 03:37:41 PM

Nem Wan: Wonder Woman doesn't need any fighting skill. If she makes contact you're going down.


Giggity.
 
2012-04-08 03:43:13 PM
George Clooney as Batman. Not on there? That list is incomplete.
 
2012-04-08 03:44:36 PM
My vote:

cloudfront.dailybooth.com
 
2012-04-08 03:51:41 PM

James Scameron: -bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....


In Bruce Willis' defense, he used to be good when his schtick was the out of luck working slob (Die Hard 1 and 3, and done to its best in Die Hard 3). Then in the end of the 1990s he bulked up and adopted a "I'm too cool for this movie" persona, which I find kinda maddening. And then on top of that, he hasn't chosen his film roles well -- lost of turkeys.
 
2012-04-08 03:52:42 PM
Eric Robert vs. Larry the Cable Guy in Witless Protection was farking hilarious.
 
2012-04-08 03:58:52 PM

James Scameron: -charles bronson


Know you're trolling, but:

filmcharacters.bravehost.com
 
2012-04-08 04:05:10 PM

Miss Stein: ....Barry Bostwick as Capt. Ace Hunter in Megaforce.

/shudder


DAMN. I forgot about that movie. Saw it when I was twelve and thought it was awesome! Twenty years later I rented it and couldn't believe how much it sucked. That movie made Battle Beyond the Stars look good.
 
2012-04-08 04:07:14 PM

thornhill: Then in the end of the 1990s he bulked up and adopted a "I'm too cool for this movie" persona, which I find kinda maddening. And then on top of that, he hasn't chosen his film roles well -- lost of turkeys.


He was in 12 Monkeys. Your argument is invalid.
 
2012-04-08 04:07:46 PM

Earguy: List fails without Gymkata.

[media.weirdworm.com image 400x300]


The criteria was a series of action movies, not just one. Now if they had made some sequels we'd be in business.
 
mhd
2012-04-08 04:08:30 PM
Michael Dudikoff is strangely absent, too...
 
2012-04-08 04:11:07 PM

Mugato: I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.


This is because Aikido is one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go.
 
2012-04-08 04:12:06 PM
Christopher Lambert
Chris Tucker
Shia Labeouf
 
2012-04-08 04:12:28 PM

Marshal805: I can't read anything written by seanbaby anymore. It's like as soon as he started writing for Cracked, his skill at humor simply evaporated.

/But that's just my opinion.



Newsflash: He was never genuinely funny. His whole shtick was just borrowing Dennis Miller's metaphor-abuse act, and tweaking it for fratboys and adolescents.

You just though it was funny when you were younger because you were less sophisticated. Now that you're older you see him for what he is: A one-trick pony with decent writing ability, a thesaurus, and a good memory for pop culture references.

No offense to the guy, but he's the Tim Burton of funny articles.
 
2012-04-08 04:12:37 PM

James Scameron: -bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....


Actually, Cruise's last couple of efforts in the Mission Impossible series appeared like he's had some Krav or Keysi training.
 
2012-04-08 04:13:09 PM

SockMonkeyHolocaust: Mugato: I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.

This is because Aikido is one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go.


As an addendum, look at anything that uses Jeet Kun Do or when the guy in Blade III actually busts out an arm bar on a vampire and they are just awesome for moves except the guy who always specializes in wrestling-type moves in Kung Fu movies is always the first to get his ass kicked.
 
2012-04-08 04:14:40 PM

theflatline: James Scameron: -bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....

When you look as good as Bronson did at 54...

[tnation.t-nation.com image 640x426]


One of my favourite movies of all time.The fight against Robert Tessier was well choreographed.
 
2012-04-08 04:15:37 PM

SockMonkeyHolocaust: SockMonkeyHolocaust: Mugato: I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.

This is because Aikido is one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go.

As an addendum, look at anything that uses Jeet Kun Do or when the guy in Blade III actually busts out an arm bar on a vampire and they are just awesome for moves except the guy who always specializes in wrestling-type moves in Kung Fu movies is always the first to get his ass kicked.


Or one step in Krav. Step one - kick them in the nuts....game over.
 
2012-04-08 04:17:15 PM

The_Gallant_Gallstone: thornhill: Then in the end of the 1990s he bulked up and adopted a "I'm too cool for this movie" persona, which I find kinda maddening. And then on top of that, he hasn't chosen his film roles well -- lost of turkeys.

He was in 12 Monkeys. Your argument is invalid.


1995 = ends of the 1990s? Who knew.
 
mhd
2012-04-08 04:17:34 PM
Oh, we've reached the "My glorified gym teacher's marketing scheme is better than yours!" stage?
 
2012-04-08 04:20:30 PM
What, no Reb Brown?


/Roll Fizzlebody
 
2012-04-08 04:20:53 PM
And no John Saxon? What the hell? The worst f*cking kung-fu action fighter of all time is John Saxon in Enter the Dragon. He was brutally bad.
blogs.sundaymercury.net
 
2012-04-08 04:21:07 PM

indarwinsshadow: SockMonkeyHolocaust: SockMonkeyHolocaust: Mugato: I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.

This is because Aikido is one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go.

As an addendum, look at anything that uses Jeet Kun Do or when the guy in Blade III actually busts out an arm bar on a vampire and they are just awesome for moves except the guy who always specializes in wrestling-type moves in Kung Fu movies is always the first to get his ass kicked.

Or one step in Krav. Step one - kick them in the nuts....game over.


I have a good friend in the IDF, and we were sharing drinks in Colombia last year, and I asked him about Krav. And he that he didnt fight unless he had too, because he was going to hurt someone badly, that was how he was trained.

Then he told me about his training "Much of it was was getting beat with sticks and rocks and being able to walk upright at the end"

Nicest guy in the world, but I saw 4 coked up Colombians think they could take the Israeli. It was over in about 90 seconds, and he went back to drinking.
 
2012-04-08 04:22:30 PM
List fails without John Cena.

I'm not just talking about his movies either.
 
2012-04-08 04:24:50 PM

theflatline: I have a good friend in the IDF, and we were sharing drinks in Colombia last year, and I asked him about Krav. And he that he didnt fight unless he had too, because he was going to hurt someone badly, that was how he was trained.

Then he told me about his training "Much of it was was getting beat with sticks and rocks and being able to walk upright at the end"

Nicest guy in the world, but I saw 4 coked up Colombians think they could take the Israeli. It was over in about 90 seconds, and he went back to drinking.



you must tell us more of this cool story, bro.
 
2012-04-08 04:31:00 PM
I have an Israeli friend who once took on 9 guys who were on angel dust and bearing automatic weapons ... my Israeli friend took them all down in less time than it takes you to read this post.

All while he was eating a falafel sandwich ... he didn't even have to put the down the sandwich, that's how good he is.

I was like "Dude, aren't you even going to put your sandwich down?"

And he was like "There is no need."
 
2012-04-08 04:32:05 PM

Ishkur: What, no Reb Brown?


/Roll Fizzlebody


BUFF DRINKLOTS
 
2012-04-08 04:33:34 PM

theflatline: indarwinsshadow: SockMonkeyHolocaust: SockMonkeyHolocaust: Mugato: I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.

This is because Aikido is one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go.

As an addendum, look at anything that uses Jeet Kun Do or when the guy in Blade III actually busts out an arm bar on a vampire and they are just awesome for moves except the guy who always specializes in wrestling-type moves in Kung Fu movies is always the first to get his ass kicked.

Or one step in Krav. Step one - kick them in the nuts....game over.

I have a good friend in the IDF, and we were sharing drinks in Colombia last year, and I asked him about Krav. And he that he didnt fight unless he had too, because he was going to hurt someone badly, that was how he was trained.

Then he told me about his training "Much of it was was getting beat with sticks and rocks and being able to walk upright at the end"

Nicest guy in the world, but I saw 4 coked up Colombians think they could take the Israeli. It was over in about 90 seconds, and he went back to drinking.


But how often do you see Colombians attack with sticks and rocks?
 
2012-04-08 04:34:19 PM

LawrencePerson: Back on topic, where's Lump Beefbroth?

Are you sure you're not thinking of Slab Bulkhead or Crunch Buttsteak?


Stupid names....
 
2012-04-08 04:37:01 PM

Flint Ironstag: LawrencePerson: Back on topic, where's Lump Beefbroth?

Are you sure you're not thinking of Slab Bulkhead or Crunch Buttsteak?

Stupid names....


Very, very nice. I lol'd.
 
2012-04-08 04:48:49 PM

Flint Ironstag: LawrencePerson: Back on topic, where's Lump Beefbroth?

Are you sure you're not thinking of Slab Bulkhead or Crunch Buttsteak?

Stupid names....


img71.imageshack.us
 
2012-04-08 04:52:05 PM

indarwinsshadow: SockMonkeyHolocaust: SockMonkeyHolocaust: Mugato: I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.

This is because Aikido is one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go.

As an addendum, look at anything that uses Jeet Kun Do or when the guy in Blade III actually busts out an arm bar on a vampire and they are just awesome for moves except the guy who always specializes in wrestling-type moves in Kung Fu movies is always the first to get his ass kicked.

Or one step in Krav. Step one - kick them in the nuts....game over.


N'ah, that's bollocks. If your attacker is bigger than you, or if they're on coke or aggressively drunk, you can't just rely on pain to stop them immediately.

Stomp kick the front of their knee and pop that, and then none of that matters, they won't be coming after you.

/damage, not pain
 
2012-04-08 04:52:58 PM

indarwinsshadow: And no John Saxon? What the hell? The worst f*cking kung-fu action fighter of all time is John Saxon in Enter the Dragon. He was brutally bad.
[blogs.sundaymercury.net image 378x195]



Let's not even speak of Kareem Abdul Jabbar.
 
2012-04-08 05:03:56 PM
List fails without Keanu Reeves.
 
2012-04-08 05:04:05 PM

LawrencePerson: Back on topic, where's Lump Beefbroth?

Are you sure you're not thinking of Slab Bulkhead or Crunch Buttsteak?


Nah, he's thinking of Thick McRunfast, BlastHardcheese or Bob Johnson
 
2012-04-08 05:07:38 PM

SockMonkeyHolocaust: Mugato: I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.

This is because Aikido is one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go.


That and he stole the "CIA" stories from books, magazines and his bodyguard.

/Of course there is no record. It's classified!
 
2012-04-08 05:08:49 PM
The reason Fred Williamson movies suck is because he refuses to job. Job ie lose. The lead always has to lose the first fight or get some kind of beat down. Williamson won't. He beats down the heel in the middle of the movie, so what's left at the end?
 
2012-04-08 05:13:08 PM

hbk72777: The reason Fred Williamson movies suck is because he refuses to job.


That would explain the ending of Warrior of the Lost World, then.
 
2012-04-08 05:14:54 PM

sat1va: Christopher Lambert


Cut him a bit of slack... because of his extremely bad eyesight, and inability to wear contacts... he's legally blind if he doesn't have his glasses on.
 
2012-04-08 05:19:28 PM
Toby McGuire and Leo DiCaprio. DiCaprio is a great actor but he always seems a little childlike to be a believable action star.
 
2012-04-08 05:20:20 PM
can someone make an animated gif of David Heavener running up to the guy and kicking him the groin?
 
2012-04-08 05:26:53 PM

SockMonkeyHolocaust: Mugato: I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.

This is because Aikido is one of the lamest martial arts besides Tai Chi. They take five steps to do what Jiu Jitsu does in three. It's all show and no go.


It just seems that the guy lunches at Segal and Segal does a little flippy thing with his wrist and the guy's down. I haven't seen every Segal movie by a long shot but I can't remember him ever getting hit. I also can't remember him throwing a kick.

Now in real life I understand you just want to take the guy down quickly but his movies aren't martial arts instructional videos, they're action movies.
 
2012-04-08 05:31:22 PM
Keenen Ivory Wayans tried action and failed quite badly.
 
2012-04-08 05:46:56 PM

DanInKansas: My wife asked "Is Sarah Michelle Geller on there?"

Because we both knew she should have been.


To be fair, TV shows simply do not have the time or budget to do any proper action scenes, fights, stunts etc, let alone actual rehearsal. They have to film a whole episode in the same time a decent action movie will take to film one fight. If some trick shot hasn't worked the first two or three times a TV director will have to just give up, move on and the episode does without it. No time to try four, five, six times.
 
2012-04-08 05:47:46 PM
So what makes a good action star and who fills the bill?

My vote goes to Harrison Ford (in his prime; Indiana Jones)
 
2012-04-08 05:54:20 PM
Bill Cosby would have made the list if the government had declassified Leanord Parts 1-5.
 
2012-04-08 05:59:47 PM

Hardy-r-r: My vote goes to Harrison Ford (in his prime; Indiana Jones)


Even the bareknuckle fist fight in the last one was impressive.
 
2012-04-08 06:01:34 PM

The_Sponge: Side note:

I love "Burn Notice", but I chuckle every time Fiona kicks ass in a fight.


Likewise. Her arms would snap like dry twigs. I can hardly stand looking at her, even though I like her character.
 
2012-04-08 06:11:12 PM

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: I don't rightly care that Rudy Ray Moore couldn't fight. That dude was 200 pounds of awesome in a 100-pound capacity leisure suit.


Totally agree.

And the end of Death Warrior with Cuneyt Arkin may be among the greatest six minutes ever committed to film.

That was brilliant!

StopLurkListen: My least believable action stars:
Undecided:
Jackie Chan. Awesome talent, unsure if all the clownery disqualifies...


Try an early Chan film like Drunken Master.
 
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