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(Cracked)   The nine worst "action stars" of all time   (cracked.com) divider line 202
    More: Fail, David Carradine, human beings, Lynda Carter, Jean Claude Van Damme, D.L. Hughley, Tori Spelling, Fred Williamson, Tom Petty  
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27213 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 08 Apr 2012 at 2:01 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-04-08 09:10:11 AM
I know Steven Segal is a 12 degree black belt and an ex-CIA assassin or whatever but his fight scenes were always sort of fruity.
 
2012-04-08 09:51:47 AM
Number 4 (Turkish guy slapping rocks) was the absolute best thing I've seen all week. If you actually know how to fight, especially if you know how to kick, it can kinda ruin some action movies for you. "Oh man, that was one hell of a crescent kick *rolls eyes*"
 
2012-04-08 09:52:17 AM
List fails without Gymkata.

media.weirdworm.com
 
2012-04-08 11:12:31 AM

marius2: Number 4 (Turkish guy slapping rocks) was the absolute best thing I've seen all week. If you actually know how to fight, especially if you know how to kick, it can kinda ruin some action movies for you. "Oh man, that was one hell of a crescent kick *rolls eyes*"


You have to see the whole movie, Turkish Star Wars (the actual Turkish title translates to "The Man Who Saved the World"). It's effin' hilarious. I always liked seanbaby's review of it as well. For some reason I can't find it on teh googles.

/turkish
//proud of our deliciously bad sci fi movies
 
2012-04-08 01:07:08 PM
F*ck you, the Gorn fight is the greatest thing in TV history.
 
2012-04-08 01:13:20 PM
They forgot Chuck Norris.
 
2012-04-08 01:53:01 PM
i287.photobucket.com

i287.photobucket.com

i287.photobucket.com

i287.photobucket.com

i287.photobucket.com
 
2012-04-08 01:56:35 PM
Firstly, I wouldn't categorize Shatner as an action star and second, it's more the fault of the fight choreographers than anything.

Besides. it wasn't even him all the time. Its usually a close up of him and the other actor then engineering or sickbay becomes a gymnasium and it's a far shot of 2 stunt guys going at it.
 
2012-04-08 02:11:04 PM
thechive.files.wordpress.com

can destroy 350lb berserkers with her bare hands.
 
2012-04-08 02:15:35 PM
Side note:

I love "Burn Notice", but I chuckle every time Fiona kicks ass in a fight.
 
2012-04-08 02:16:55 PM
Bah, what about a pudgy middle-aged Sean Connery when confronted by a real-life gymnast?
www.bondmovies.com
 
2012-04-08 02:19:16 PM
i151.photobucket.com

Least convincing fight scenes since Howard the Duck.

/Sharon Stone wasn't bad, I guess
 
2012-04-08 02:19:50 PM
If I had a nickel every time I was forced to watch some wispy bachelor or ditzy debutante pound an opponent with at least a hundred pounds on them, I wouldn't have to work any more.
 
2012-04-08 02:20:49 PM
I didn't think Carradine looked bad on the original Kung Fu, but yeah, on the sequel in the 90's, he was in slo-mo.
 
2012-04-08 02:22:02 PM
OMG DAVID HEAVENER! I thought that me and my small group of HS friends were the only ones who had ever watched any of his films.
 
2012-04-08 02:25:55 PM

Therion: [thechive.files.wordpress.com image 500x656]

can destroy 350lb berserkers with her bare hands.


I'm quite a bit less than 350, and certainly not a berserker, but if she wants to wrestle in a kiddie pool full of olive oil, I'm willing to let her try.
 
2012-04-08 02:27:26 PM
In Eric Roberts' defense, he couldn't fight because they took his thumb.
 
2012-04-08 02:28:14 PM
No Liam Neeson?
 
2012-04-08 02:28:52 PM
#7

And you call this a convenience store robbery?
 
2012-04-08 02:30:07 PM
I don't rightly care that Rudy Ray Moore couldn't fight. That dude was 200 pounds of awesome in a 100-pound capacity leisure suit.


And the end of Death Warrior with Cuneyt Arkin may be among the greatest six minutes ever committed to film.
 
2012-04-08 02:30:58 PM

Derwood: No Liam Neeson?


Liam was a full-contact karate champion long before he went into acting
 
2012-04-08 02:34:45 PM

TravisBickle62: Derwood: No Liam Neeson?

Liam was a full-contact karate champion long before he went into acting


He could box pretty well, too, if I'm not mistaken.
 
2012-04-08 02:43:29 PM
I didn't even know who a couple of those 70s blacksploitation people were, but fark you re: Caine. He was the quintessential badass.
 
2012-04-08 02:44:45 PM

The_Sponge: Side note:

I love "Burn Notice", but I chuckle every time Fiona kicks ass in a fight.


This!! How can she even generate enough traction to stay in one place when her supposed fists of fury land?

/Still love the show.
//Chuck Finley
 
2012-04-08 02:47:01 PM

Derwood: No Liam Neeson?



geekonfilm.files.wordpress.com
I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for troll bait, I can tell you I don't have the patience. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you retract from your comment now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.
 
2012-04-08 02:48:28 PM
My least believable action stars:

Nicholas Cage.
Liam Neeson. (at current age)
Sean Connery at any age, sorry, not believable.

The most believable action stars:
Matt Damon (any Bourne movie)
Jason Statham
Jet Li

Undecided:
Jackie Chan. Awesome talent, unsure if all the clownery disqualifies...
 
2012-04-08 02:50:46 PM

Therion: [thechive.files.wordpress.com image 500x656]

can destroy 350lb berserkers with her bare hands.


faaaaaaaaaaaap
 
2012-04-08 02:50:59 PM
No one on the internet makes me laugh as consistently as Seanbaby. Out loud, even.
 
2012-04-08 02:54:15 PM
My wife asked "Is Sarah Michelle Geller on there?"

Because we both knew she should have been.
 
2012-04-08 02:57:01 PM

swahnhennessy: No one on the internet makes me laugh as consistently as Seanbaby. Out loud, even.


I prefer Miguel

T-Servo: [i151.photobucket.com image 466x310]

Least convincing fight scenes since Howard the Duck.

/Sharon Stone wasn't bad, I guess


I'm watching that movie right now.
 
2012-04-08 02:59:40 PM

DanInKansas: My wife asked "Is Sarah Michelle Geller on there?"

Because we both knew she should have been.


I thought this was limited to movies? If so, it's Kirsty Swanson's "Buffy" that would be playing the unbelievable 'little girl fighting vampires'.

Dunno, I haven't heard of any of these people in TFA anyway. They're all from the 70's?
 
2012-04-08 03:00:03 PM

The_Sponge: Side note:

I love "Burn Notice", but I chuckle every time Fiona kicks ass in a fight.


You mean the "I'm going to kick you, but not so hard that it knocks my skimpy skirt too high" fighting style?
 
2012-04-08 03:00:30 PM
Pam Grier should have stayed with THESE kinds of movies...

i2.photobucket.com

aaawwww yeeeeAAAHH!
 
2012-04-08 03:00:33 PM

CygnusDarius: Derwood: No Liam Neeson?


[geekonfilm.files.wordpress.com image 500x365]
I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for troll bait, I can tell you I don't have the patience. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you retract from your comment now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill yourelease the Kraken.


Back on topic, where's Lump Beefbroth?
 
2012-04-08 03:00:42 PM
Also missing from list:

Richard Chamberlain in Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold

Barry Bostwick as Capt. Ace Hunter in Megaforce.

/shudder
 
2012-04-08 03:00:43 PM
Star Trek didn't have the budget to make the boulder not look like it was made out of paper mache when it landed?
 
2012-04-08 03:01:01 PM
List fails without Roger Moore. The man couldn't make a punch convincing at all.
 
2012-04-08 03:01:49 PM
Shatner has a bit in his book on making the Star Trek movies where he mentions that in III, the fight scene with Christopher Lloyd was thrown together at the last minute due to some effects not being ready, so Shatner uses a lot of the old standbys from the TV show. Shoulder chops, the chest kick, the whole deal.
 
2012-04-08 03:09:19 PM
Mark Wahlberg, no question.

Not only is he an even worse actor than Schwarzenegger, but he has this totally undeserving and unconvincing air to him that he's the coolest guy in the world (George Clooney and Brad Pitt have it, but they can get away with it).
 
2012-04-08 03:15:40 PM

thornhill: Mark Wahlberg, no question.

Not only is he an even worse actor than Schwarzenegger, but he has this totally undeserving and unconvincing air to him that he's the coolest guy in the world (George Clooney and Brad Pitt have it, but they can get away with it).


What... what's going on? I don't get it.

Man... I gotta work out. What's going on here?

What the HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?!?!?
 
2012-04-08 03:20:15 PM
Back on topic, where's Lump Beefbroth?

Are you sure you're not thinking of Slab Bulkhead or Crunch Buttsteak?
 
mhd
2012-04-08 03:20:32 PM
Blaxploitation seems to have been well represented, but don't forget peplum flicks. Most body builders starring in those had worse combat skills than acting chops - and that's setting the bar pretty low.
 
2012-04-08 03:21:05 PM

Therion: [thechive.files.wordpress.com image 500x656]

can destroy 350lb berserkers with her bare hands.


She can destroy my berserker with her bare hands anytime..
 
2012-04-08 03:26:02 PM
I can't read anything written by seanbaby anymore. It's like as soon as he started writing for Cracked, his skill at humor simply evaporated.

/But that's just my opinion.
 
2012-04-08 03:28:57 PM

StopLurkListen: The most believable action stars:
...
Jason Statham
...


AHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!
*wheeze*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
 
2012-04-08 03:30:52 PM

thornhill: Mark Wahlberg, no question.

Not only is he an even worse actor than Schwarzenegger, but he has this totally undeserving and unconvincing air to him that he's the coolest guy in the world (George Clooney and Brad Pitt have it, but they can get away with it).




My thoughts EXACTLY.
 
2012-04-08 03:32:00 PM
List fails without James Ryan in Kill and Kill Again.

img.filmous.com

Or the girl from the Breaking Movies.

3.bp.blogspot.com

Or this beaut, right before he was telling his bastard child to sweep Daniel sans leg.

www.moviegoods.com
 
2012-04-08 03:33:22 PM
-bruce willis
-roger moore
-sylvester stallone
-wesley snipes
-ben affleck
-tom cruise
-charles bronson
-and the list goes on and on and on....
 
2012-04-08 03:35:11 PM

The_Gallant_Gallstone: thornhill: Mark Wahlberg, no question.

Not only is he an even worse actor than Schwarzenegger, but he has this totally undeserving and unconvincing air to him that he's the coolest guy in the world (George Clooney and Brad Pitt have it, but they can get away with it).

What... what's going on? I don't get it.

Man... I gotta work out. What's going on here?

What the HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?!?!?


That may be giving his acting range too much credit.
 
2012-04-08 03:35:28 PM

theflatline: www.moviegoods.com


That tagline is priceless!
 
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