That article exhibits true urinalistic integrity.

/toilets?

A toilet is a common bathroom sanitation fixture typically consisting of a bowl, a hinged seat and lid and a handle for flushing. Toilets transport human excrement and toilet paper via water to a septic tank or a municipal sewage treatment facility.

Whoa there, Poindexter, how about using common language the layman might understand instead of all of those technical terms.

FTA:
A toilet is a common bathroom sanitation fixture typically consisting of a bowl, a hinged seat and lid and a handle for flushing. Toilets transport human excrement and toilet paper via water to a septic tank or a municipal sewage treatment facility. Of particular note for men is that women almost universally oppose the male tendency to leave the seat up after urinating. Toilets are not frequently used as beds or places of slumber.

I was totally confused until the author included this paragraph.

Way to stay classy and represent your species douche bag.

FTFA:
"A toilet is a common bathroom sanitation fixture typically consisting of a bowl, a hinged seat and lid and a handle for flushing. Toilets transport human excrement and toilet paper via water to a septic tank or a municipal sewage treatment facility. Of particular note for men is that women almost universally oppose the male tendency to leave the seat up after urinating. Toilets are not frequently used as beds or places of slumber."

Wow, learn something new every day.

FTFA: A toilet is a common bathroom sanitation fixture typically consisting of a bowl, a hinged seat and lid and a handle for flushing. Toilets transport human excrement and toilet paper via water to a septic tank or a municipal sewage treatment facility. Of particular note for men is that women almost universally oppose the male tendency to leave the seat up after urinating. Toilets are not frequently used as beds or places of slumber.

Which one of you guys wrote this article?

In an earlier arrest, Raymond was collared in April 2011 after a Hess station attendant in Vero Beach said she saw him defecating in the gas station's parking lot.

He must've missed the sign

FTA: 'There you go, (female dog),'

I can't stop giggling at this (basic unit of computational information) in the article.

A toilet is a common bathroom sanitation fixture typically consisting of a bowl, a hinged seat and lid and a handle for flushing. Toilets transport human excrement and toilet paper via water to a septic tank or a municipal sewage treatment facility ... Toilets are not frequently used as beds or places of slumber.

So I've been using it wrong this whole time? Dammit, I love my morning snooze and poo.

That whole paragraph, describing the purpose of, and function of toilets made my head explode. The part about men standing to urinate, and women's opposition to this was just... over the top.

I wonder if they're trolling for clicks, or it's some sort of copyright lawsuit style bait.

A drunk? In Zero Beach? That's unpossible. I used to work a block from that restaraunt, and I'll never forget the bar next door to us that served the breakfast drinking crowd. We'd be on the loading dock at 8 am watching guys stumble to their Caddies, gargle some mouthwash, and drive off to work.

/Good times
//Stay classy Florida

And isn't it Ironic(tm)??? don't ya think.. a little too ironic??

Who really needs that description? I'm from that area, and we're not stupid.

Well okay, we're not all that stupid. And let's face it, those who are won't be reading this.

So, the paragraph that's been quoted numerous times already, was Mr. Greenlee stuck around 350 words, and his editor told him he needed at least 400 to be able to run it?

A toilet is a common bathroom sanitation fixture typically consisting of a bowl, a hinged seat and lid and a handle for flushing. Toilets transport human excrement and toilet paper via water to a septic tank or a municipal sewage treatment facility. Of particular note for men is that women almost universally oppose the male tendency to leave the seat up after urinating. Toilets are not frequently used as beds or places of slumber.



This reporter needs to win an award.

Is this a squatters rights thread?

BigBooper: That whole paragraph, describing the purpose of, and function of toilets made my head explode. The part about men standing to urinate, and women's opposition to this was just... over the top.

I wonder if they're trolling for clicks, or it's some sort of copyright lawsuit style bait.

I suspect that the author's editor requires stories to have a certain word or line count or pays per line.

There is something I don't get. I'm hoping someone here can clear it up for me.

Say you are a little tired, but still in need of a restroom visit. Is it okay to sleep on the toilet?

Once I am finished, where does that waste go? Does the toilet just eat it? What happens?

Hah! My parents love that place...I ate there in Jan when I was down to visit.

Very informative article.

I mean, reeeeaaalllllly informative.

like, too much.

Will Greenlee might become the next Rick Romono.

FloriDUH: Tiff over handicap parking spot lands man in jail
February 22, 2012|Barbara Hijek, FloriDUH

It may have been Valentine's Day, but love was not in the air.

mug_ArnoldMD.jpg

When Michael Dean Arnold noticed a woman's car parked partially in a handicap spot at a Sebastian post office, he made a disparaging comment, reports Will Greenlee in his Off the Beat blog for TCPalm.com in Stuart.

Arnold, 55, told the cops that the woman then told him to kiss her (buttocks), , according to an arrest affidavit.

Arnold replied by telling the woman to (fellate him)," the affidavit states.

After Arnold followed the woman out of the lot, police were called to the scene and eventually parked his arse in jail.

Get the DUHtails and arrest affidavit at Will Greenlee's Off the Beat blog at TCPalm.com in Stuart.

Bit'O'Gristle: Way to stay classy and represent your species douche bag.

Ok, the whole "defecating in a parking lot" thing is bad. But sitting on a toilet with your pants down, I'm pretty sure that that isn't a crime.

Author of FA is farking retarded.

snowybunting: [images.paraorkut.com image 530x327]

Um, just so you know, posting that picture directly to a Fark thread is frowned upon. You might want to hide it behind a link and label it NSFW next time.

I say this not to be a prude, but because someone else was talking about having gotten into trouble for posting it.

My take on the paragraph: a junior reporter has become verrry bored with covering the Indian River beat, and chucked in some filler to pad his word count (and get a laugh from his co-workers).

Seriously, he could change the names and date and this could be every story about Vero in the news.

"A Vero Beach man/woman was found passed out in ________ at _________ yesterday."

Hopefully this article will be brought to the attention of the ows stinkhippies. It explains how a toilet works and what it's intended purpose is. The article also explains that pooping in public will get you arrested.

Ray Smuckles (new window) was unavailable for comment.

Ok, that description of a toilet is a dead giveaway that the author is a Farker. Whoever you are, I hope you get some TotalFark sponsorship for that.

You build a bridge and do they call you James Raymond The Bridge Builder? No. No. A thousand times no.
But you poop in one parking lot...

H31N0US: Hah! My parents love that place...I ate there in Jan when I was down to visit.

You know Jan too? Say hi to her for me next time you visit.

The reporting style kind of reminds me of this story (new window) which was on Fark a few years back...

I'm not sure if it's been quoted from TFA by several people yet, but just in case anyone missed it:

A toilet is a common bathroom sanitation fixture typically consisting of a bowl, a hinged seat and lid and a handle for flushing. Toilets transport human excrement and toilet paper via water to a septic tank or a municipal sewage treatment facility. Of particular note for men is that women almost universally oppose the male tendency to leave the seat up after urinating. Toilets are not frequently used as beds or places of slumber.

It was probably inserted by the editor, not the author, for fear that readers wouldn't understand the article. Newspaper editors tend to assume that their readers are really, really dumb... which is not an unreasonable conclusion to reach if you've ever read the letters editors receive.

WTF is up with this article? The guy passed out on the toilet, and the cops came. Big deal, happens all the time, we didn't need the in depth analysis of what a toilet is, nor did we need the lines about how women sit to pee, and guys stand up, as other people have pointed out. I'm also not sure why they bother to him shiatting in parking lots, since this time he was doing it on a toilet. This really should have been the article:

Vero Beach police went to the Ay Jalisco eatery in the 1900 block of 20th Street March 29 "in reference to a drunken customer who went into the bathroom and refused to leave," according to a recently released arrest affidavit.

Ay Jalisco staff told police they instructed the drunk man to leave, but said the inebriated individual still was in the men's bathroom.

Two officers went in and spied a man later identified as Raymond, 52, on the toilet with his pants down. He appeared to be snoozing.

"What do you want?" Raymond is quoted as saying when police identified themselves and told him to wake up. Police smelled booze when he spoke, and told him to hurry up because the restaurant wanted him gone.

Police escorted him out. At an officer's patrol car, Raymond dropped his shorts.

"He had no underwear on and his buttocks and penis were exposed," an affidavit states.
Police couldn't determine whether anyone saw Raymond nude, but reported lots of cars passed.

Much as Raymond refused to exit the Ay Jalisco latrine, he also refused to pick up his shorts.

He couldn't provide an address, but dispatchers said he gave an address in the 1000 block of 36th Avenue the last time he apparently spoke with police. Police drove Raymond to 10th Street and 36th Avenue.

"The house Mr. Raymond provided to the (Vero Beach Police Department) did not exist," an affidavit states.

Raymond was arrested on charges including disorderly intoxication and trespass on property after warning.

snowybunting: [images.paraorkut.com image 530x327]

Is that a wedding ring on her finger? See? She's classy!

Brainsick: H31N0US: Hah! My parents love that place...I ate there in Jan when I was down to visit.

You know Jan too? Say hi to her for me next time you visit.

He was inside her, so he might know her better than you.

cgraves67: FTA:
A toilet is a common bathroom sanitation fixture typically consisting of a bowl, a hinged seat and lid and a handle for flushing. Toilets transport human excrement and toilet paper via water to a septic tank or a municipal sewage treatment facility. Of particular note for men is that women almost universally oppose the male tendency to leave the seat up after urinating. Toilets are not frequently used as beds or places of slumber.

I was totally confused until the author included this paragraph.

Do these guys get paid by the word?

Bathroom snoozer in Vero Beach has history of parking lot defecating, reports state


Mexican food does that to me too.

Did anyone mention this? WTF?

A toilet is a common bathroom sanitation fixture typically consisting of a bowl, a hinged seat and lid and a handle for flushing. Toilets transport human excrement and toilet paper via water to a septic tank or a municipal sewage treatment facility. Of particular note for men is that women almost universally oppose the male tendency to leave the seat up after urinating. Toilets are not frequently used as beds or places of slumber.

Screw 'toilet', define 'journalism'.

So, the author of the article apparently writes in this style all the time. He's got a blog called Off the Beat.

Check out this gem. (Emphasis mine)

Man caught with pants down -- literally -- near Port Salerno intersection
By Will Greenlee on March 15, 2012 5:00 AM

There are appropriate places to stand with your pants down.

Near a heavily traveled roadway in unincorporated Martin County is not one of them.

A Martin County Sheriff's deputy was dispatched March 6 to the area of Southeast Willoughby Boulevard and Southeast Salerno Road after a report of a man standing near the road with his pants down masturbating, according to recently released records.

The man accused in the self-gratification situation was described as being older, with facial hair and perhaps a hat.

A deputy saw a man who met the description at the edge of some woods facing Southeast Salerno Road.

The man's pants were around his ankles and he was "engaged in the act of masturbation," a highly personal initiative more suited to the confines of a private home than to the area adjacent to a public street.

The man saw the deputy and ran in the woods, though records did not state whether the self stimulation continued on the run.

A deputy found the man -- 53-year-old Michael Jackson Pugh -- about 300 yards into the woods at his campsite.

Listed as homeless and unemployed, Pugh was arrested on a felony lewd or lascivious exhibition charge.

Or, there's this excerpt from another story about a topless brawl (emphasis mine again):

When a deputy asked her name, Stickle yelled she had no ID and took off her shirt, revealing her bare chest.

On Stickle's chest is a tattoo listed as "Poem of dead tree," according to the Indian River County Sheriff's Office.

It's unclear whether "Poem of dead tree" is an original composition or a published work by an established poet. It couldn't immediately be determined whether it's a haiku, sonnet, ode, couplet, ballad, epic or limerick or whether iambic pentameter is involved.