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(Cracked)   Five creepy modern parenting fads: Want to worship your child as part of the coming of a new, superior race? Maybe you'd prefer to "train up" your less-than-one year old baby with a tree branch? Truly something for everyone   (cracked.com ) divider line
    More: Fail, hyperactivity, parenting styles, pole dancing, developmental disability, trains  
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16698 clicks; posted to Main » on 26 Mar 2012 at 10:33 AM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-03-26 08:57:32 AM  
Really, the author had to photoshop a PVC pipe next to a bible. Dude couldn't have staged that actual photo?
 
2012-03-26 10:35:26 AM  
Not being a woman, is there really anything wrong about #2? I mean, for god's sake a human is bursting out of her vaj, let her have a freaking orgasm if it'll make her feel better.
 
2012-03-26 10:38:43 AM  
We need to roll back the zero-tolerance policy on fighting in schools so that these kids can get the shiat beaten out of them.
 
2012-03-26 10:41:52 AM  
If you have to deny that you are "new age", then you're probably new age
 
2012-03-26 10:43:54 AM  

PonceAlyosha: Not being a woman, is there really anything wrong about #2? I mean, for god's sake a human is bursting out of her vaj, let her have a freaking orgasm if it'll make her feel better.


Yeah, juxtaposing the "really relaxed, non-traumatic but drug-free childbirth" next to "beat your children all the time" hits the Maximum Trolling Achieved milestone. I've seen the orgasmic birth videos, and I've birth coached a pain-free natural delivery... it isn't strange and life just snaps into focus pretty quickly regardless around the new baby. Planning to have an orgasmic birth is a setup for disappointment however, unless you've already had one before.
 
2012-03-26 10:44:28 AM  
Extreme breastfeeding stems from laziness and a mother not wanting to let the child she has made her identity be a little more on their own.

I've seen it myself, some mothers lose their minds when their little ones start being more independent. Keeping them breastfeeding is just a way to keep them with you a little longer.
 
2012-03-26 10:44:33 AM  
These links are just great.
 
2012-03-26 10:46:00 AM  

PonceAlyosha: Not being a woman, is there really anything wrong about #2? I mean, for god's sake a human is bursting out of her vaj, let her have a freaking orgasm if it'll make her feel better.


Well, it's Cracked, so take the 7th-grader writing style in stride. For all we know the article was written by an Indigo Child.

If I was to try to work some sort of apt point out of that puddle of text vomit, a woman having an orgasm during childbirth isn't a bad thing, per se. Insisting it's good for the child with little in the way of double-blind medical studies to back it up smacks of the herbal supplement alternative medicine hoopla.

But yeah, TFA isn't specific here because, well, it's Cracked. Apparently women having orgasms is creepy to them.
 
2012-03-26 10:47:06 AM  

factoryconnection: Planning to have an orgasmic birth is a setup for disappointment however, unless you've already had one before.


That's what she said.

/ Huh huh, number two. . .
 
2012-03-26 10:50:51 AM  

serial_crusher: Really, the author had to photoshop a PVC pipe next to a bible. Dude couldn't have staged that actual photo?


He didn't have a Bible handy.
 
2012-03-26 10:50:55 AM  

dragonchild: PonceAlyosha: Not being a woman, is there really anything wrong about #2? I mean, for god's sake a human is bursting out of her vaj, let her have a freaking orgasm if it'll make her feel better.

Well, it's Cracked, so take the 7th-grader writing style in stride. For all we know the article was written by an Indigo Child.

If I was to try to work some sort of apt point out of that puddle of text vomit, a woman having an orgasm during childbirth isn't a bad thing, per se. Insisting it's good for the child with little in the way of double-blind medical studies to back it up smacks of the herbal supplement alternative medicine hoopla.

But yeah, TFA isn't specific here because, well, it's Cracked. Apparently women having orgasms is creepy to them.


It isn't creepy unless the only way she can get off is by having a baby head in her vagina.
 
2012-03-26 10:51:54 AM  

Wellon Dowd: We need to roll back the zero-tolerance policy on fighting in schools so that these kids can get the shiat beaten out of them.


i for one, think it all started going down the crapper when the principal wasn't allowed to spank that arse anymore.
i had my share of whoopin's and i turned out all right...except for the fark part.
 
2012-03-26 10:52:02 AM  
There are always several weird parenting fads around every generation. Parenthood is so scary that folks latch onto any authority that makes sense to them. "Best" of all they come in every flavor from atheistic to new age to fundamentalist and each "guarantees success."

The real answer is that unless your parents were total incompetents emulate them. I know they are squares but they have more experience with raising kids than you do!
 
2012-03-26 10:52:42 AM  

Teknowaffle: dragonchild: PonceAlyosha: Not being a woman, is there really anything wrong about #2? I mean, for god's sake a human is bursting out of her vaj, let her have a freaking orgasm if it'll make her feel better.

Well, it's Cracked, so take the 7th-grader writing style in stride. For all we know the article was written by an Indigo Child.

If I was to try to work some sort of apt point out of that puddle of text vomit, a woman having an orgasm during childbirth isn't a bad thing, per se. Insisting it's good for the child with little in the way of double-blind medical studies to back it up smacks of the herbal supplement alternative medicine hoopla.

But yeah, TFA isn't specific here because, well, it's Cracked. Apparently women having orgasms is creepy to them.

It isn't creepy unless the only way she can get off is by having a baby head in her vagina.


Labor? She'll be in her bunk.
 
2012-03-26 10:54:24 AM  
Alright, I can see this is going to be today's fail thread. Hold on, let me get comfortable... alright, carry on.
 
2012-03-26 10:55:58 AM  
Indigo Child? Wait I played that game, I think it was called Farenheit or Indigo Prophecy in the states.

Seriously WTF? My dog behaves better and is smarter then your Indigo Child. Which is really what Train Up a Child is about. Behavioral training works, and should be applied to all children.
 
2012-03-26 10:56:58 AM  

Wellon Dowd: We need to roll back the zero-tolerance policy on fighting in schools so that these kids can get the shiat beaten out of them.


...

Because they're parents failed and farked them up? (excluding #2 since it seems out of place for your comment)

You sound like a jock.
 
2012-03-26 10:58:29 AM  
Indigo children is progressive? I've never met anyone who didn't think they were insane.

The "Train up a child" book isn't progressive, it's ultra-conservative. They're insane too.

The orgasm in childbirth isn't that weird. I read a paper a few years ago showing evidence that the g-spot and female orgasms may be related to making childbirth easier. (too lazy to go look it up again) Of course I didn't break out the candles and romance for my wife when my son was born either.

The breastfeeding one isn't that weird either. Taking it to age 9 is a pretty extreme but in developing countries 5 or 6 is pretty common. Just going to age 2 has huge benefits for a kid in terms of development.

I have no comment on pole dancing for kids other than WTF?
 
2012-03-26 11:02:00 AM  
Oh, frigging Indigo Children. From Wikipedia:

They describe the goal of indigo children to be a remaking of the world into one lacking war, trash, and processed food.

My own kids love nothing more than fighting, making a mess, and hotdogs.
 
2012-03-26 11:02:06 AM  
Jenny McCarthy believed her son was an Indigo Child before deciding he was autistic and, thusly, cured him with chelation therapy. There couldn't be more woo in that last sentence if you read it when firing two pistols while jumping sideways in slow motion before a backdrop of doves only to go on to direct some mediocre American films.
 
2012-03-26 11:02:31 AM  
Well, that explains the Duggars
 
2012-03-26 11:03:06 AM  

your average maint. man: i for one, think it all started going down the crapper when the principal wasn't allowed to spank that arse anymore.
i had my share of whoopin's and i turned out all right...except for the fark part.


I've got to learn to discipline myself...... I was having this large, Dutch lady do it, but it's getting expensive.....

/Emo Phillips
 
2012-03-26 11:05:38 AM  

atomsmoosher: Jenny McCarthy believed her son was an Indigo Child before deciding he was autistic and, thusly, cured him with chelation therapy. There couldn't be more woo in that last sentence if you read it when firing two pistols while jumping sideways in slow motion before a backdrop of doves only to go on to direct some mediocre American films.


So she claims to have cured him of autism with chelation therapy, even though he didn't have autism in the first place? I guess once you go through all the trouble to build a new reality, you may as well live in it.
 
2012-03-26 11:06:42 AM  

meat0918: Extreme breastfeeding stems from laziness and a mother not wanting to let the child she has made her identity be a little more on their own.

I've seen it myself, some mothers lose their minds when their little ones start being more independent. Keeping them breastfeeding is just a way to keep them with you a little longer.


My ex wife just pops out another kid. She is up to #9 as of last month. This child was born two weeks after her own nephew (my ex's 18 year old started her own brood).
 
2012-03-26 11:09:37 AM  
Came for Indigo Children, immensely satisfied.

My SIL declared that her first child was walking at 8 months and potty-trained at 13 months. Most of this walking included being dragged around upright by her mother, but whatever. Most of this "potty-training" involving her or my BIL rushing the child to the toilet whenever it looked like she was gonna drop a deuce, but whatever.

I hope my wife or myself don't go nuts when we have our first kid.
 
2012-03-26 11:12:02 AM  
I've known more than a few "parents of Indigo Children" over the years.

The earliest ones were back in the 1980s - very New Age folks, who really needed their kids to be special. You'd hear hours and hours of how amazing their children were - how smart (often in "nontraditional ways" like empathy, which for some reason they never showed in public), how talented, et cetera.

Of course, everyone else thought they were just brats.
 
2012-03-26 11:14:19 AM  
Just another litter of personal perversions written up as "movements" to provide fake validation for these weirdos.
 
2012-03-26 11:23:47 AM  

factoryconnection: So she claims to have cured him of autism with chelation therapy, even though he didn't have autism in the first place? I guess once you go through all the trouble to build a new reality, you may as well live in it.


Of course, other folks stupid mofos have had less success with chelation therapy.

It has been suggested that Rainbow Pony Snowflake McCarthy actually had Landau-Kleffner syndrome, which can benefit from speech therapy, etc.
 
2012-03-26 11:24:07 AM  

cirby: Of course, everyone else thought they were just brats.


There is no talent/goodness that adults appreciate in others' children more than "non-brattiness." It is something that we/our children get praised for all the time, which is bewildering to us considering the figurative plate-spinning that goes into a restaurant meal with them. Perhaps that level of concern and effort is what drives some parents to just dropping the reins in public.

Your example, obviously is one in which the folks are cape-wearing, super-don't-give-a-f*ck types. There are extremes of any personality out there.
 
2012-03-26 11:25:32 AM  

atomsmoosher: Jenny McCarthy believed her son was an Indigo Child before deciding he was autistic and, thusly, cured him with chelation therapy. There couldn't be more woo in that last sentence if you read it when firing two pistols while jumping sideways in slow motion before a backdrop of doves only to go on to direct some mediocre American films.


I'm a big fan of other people having chelation therapy. In fact I think Jenny herself would benefit greatly from about 228g of EDTA.
 
2012-03-26 11:27:15 AM  
theorellior:
Most of this "potty-training" involving her or my BIL rushing the child to the toilet whenever it looked like she was gonna drop a deuce, but whatever.

That's called "elimination communication" or EC... some people do it from birth. It sounds impractically time-consuming for all but the most dedicated stay-at-home parents, but supposedly it can potty-train a kid by some ludicrously early age.
 
2012-03-26 11:28:28 AM  

Wellon Dowd: We need to roll back the zero-tolerance policy on fighting in schools so that these kids can get the shiat beaten out of them.


a co-worker was telling me the other day how his little boy got into a fight at school and they were punishing him by taking away his video games because that had to be the reason why he was violent. When asking more about it.. I came to find out that the kid was merely defending himself, the other kid was the aggressor, yet.. they were punishing him like he was. he didnt like the look I gave him when i asked him ..what.. wasnt he supposed to defend himself?
 
2012-03-26 11:29:09 AM  
wow. indigo children. that's pretty ridiculous.

reminds me of obnoxious cat owners.
 
2012-03-26 11:36:12 AM  

No Such Agency: That's called "elimination communication" or EC... some people do it from birth. It sounds impractically time-consuming for all but the most dedicated stay-at-home parents, but supposedly it can potty-train a kid by some ludicrously early age.


Both of my siblings-in-law work, and they kept complaining about the various nannies they employed, so whatever it was, it wasn't applied consistently. It seemed to be more of potty-training the adults than the child, and made for messier accidents when they happened, because of course she didn't need diapers.

Fortunately they didn't seem to be as concerned about winning the "Who Passes the Developmental Milestones First!" Award with their second child. My wife was a little concerned about the "she's walking!" business, because a friend of hers is in child development and evidently crawling is an extremely important step for children to develop spatial cues and gross motor skills.
 
2012-03-26 11:38:38 AM  

Slaves2Darkness: Indigo Child? Wait I played that game, I think it was called Farenheit or Indigo Prophecy in the states.

Seriously WTF? My dog behaves better and is smarter then your Indigo Child. Which is really what Train Up a Child is about. Behavioral training works, and should be applied to all children.


"To Train Up a Child" is about terrorizing and beating the personality out of your children. You are supposed to beat the kid until they 'show a submissive spirit' with no tears or crying. This book has led to the deaths of children. Link (new window) Link (new window)
 
2012-03-26 11:40:30 AM  
God whatever happened to just being confident and in charge? We don't yell at or hit our kids. We just don't cave on the important stuff. Ever. Eventually they figure out who's in charge and you don't have to hit them or let them be little terrors. The indigo child thing is just lazy ass parenting if you ask me. Same thing with the Train up Your Child BS.

For god's sake people, parenting is about setting boundaries and upholding them, no matter how much your kid screams or cries. It will eventually stop, but as it turns out good parenting is an awful lot of hard work, patience, understanding, and taking charge. Kids can smell weakness. Be strong.
 
2012-03-26 11:40:47 AM  

trappedspirit: If you have to deny that you are "new age", then you're probably new age


MAN..That article was almost as creepy as $cientology or lily Tomlin...........
 
2012-03-26 11:41:46 AM  
All good things to try on my first kid when she pops in July.

/Current advise from friends seem more stupid than this list.
//Fark, want to give me advise?
 
2012-03-26 11:45:16 AM  

Pimple: Fark, want to give me advise?



Wait. Do you live in India? Because that's every email I receive from our back office here at work.

/Please advice.
 
2012-03-26 11:45:21 AM  

Pimple: All good things to try on my first kid when she pops in July.

/Current advise from friends seem more stupid than this list.
//Fark, want to give me advise?


See my post. Just be confident, do your best, have reasonable boundaries and don't cave.

Although, for the first year of life you'll just be trying time to shave and sleep in between getting puked on and being elbow deep in shiat. Enjoy!
 
2012-03-26 11:45:38 AM  

cfreak: I have no comment on pole dancing for kids other than WTF?


All the upper-body strength, balance and proprioception, with none of the Romanians screaming at you for your stubborn refusal to trade puberty for success and hormone shots. I'll take two.
 
2012-03-26 11:46:29 AM  
"Train Up"

train ... up?

Is that farking stoopid or wat.
 
2012-03-26 11:47:20 AM  
Jenny McCarthy popularized the whole "Indigo Child" movement, taking it on Oprah and becoming a spokeswoman for banishing modern medicine. If it wasn't for her, this would be one of a zillion derpy movements with a web site and not much else.

But it's not entirely her fault. This Indigo Child stuff is really just a minor manifestation of a much broader douchebag trend: letting your kids be a "free spirit" in public places, because you are unable or unwilling to control or discipline your kid. Some cafes and restaurants have banned kids now, not because of animosity towards children but because some metropolitan areas are infested with new-age parents with spazzy, head-kicking children.

The "train up a child" movement may even be a reaction to this. They certainly sell more books if more people get harassed by unsocialized feral kids.
 
2012-03-26 11:52:03 AM  

Pimple: All good things to try on my first kid when she pops in July.

/Current advise from friends seem more stupid than this list.
//Fark, want to give me advise?


Say "no" early and often, and stick to it. Say "no" sometimes even if you don't care so they don't come to expect "yes" to be the default.
 
2012-03-26 11:54:06 AM  

reveal101: For god's sake people, parenting is about setting boundaries and upholding them, no matter how much your kid screams or cries. It will eventually stop, but as it turns out good parenting is an awful lot of hard work, patience, understanding, and taking charge.


And after all, that your precious snowflake gets to share this country with a bunch of Indigo Children.
 
2012-03-26 11:56:14 AM  
I knew a woman convinced that her spawn was an indigo.
"Sure you can come over...but your kid stays at home".
Dylan's been in and out of jail for years now.
 
2012-03-26 11:59:30 AM  

Pimple: Fark, want to give me advise?


A crying baby is normally asking for one of a very few things:
1. I'm hungry
2. I need a diaper change
3. I need to burp (always do this after feeding)
4. I need to fart (a little tummy massage)
5. I'm hot/cold

Run through the list of possibilities, hopefully before the baby completely loses their sh*t, and you'll normally be fine. Learning this with #1 made life with #2 and #3 MUCH EASIER. Later on they ditch the burping and farting problems and then start teething. That gets complicated.

Also, expect to nurse a small baby for the entirety of any flight. Upside: they're calm, and you weren't really expecting to go anywhere. Downside: not great for mommy slumber, which seems so tantalizingly close.
 
2012-03-26 12:01:27 PM  
My stepmother can up with an interesting variation of the Indigo Child. My stepbrother has been a jerk pretty much his entire life. He was always fighting as a kid, spoiled rotten, and never held accountable for anything he did. Dropped out of school in eighth grade (yes, he was old enough at that point) and never has held a job for more than a couple of months. But he knows how to play my stepmother. He recently wrecked his car, claiming a Mexican ran into him, which is weird because the shape of the smashed up trunk looks like it was wrapped around a telephone pole. Those sneaky Mexicans even put bits of wood in there. But stepmom hates pretty much anyone who isn't a white right wing evangelical with money so she believed him and got him another car.

Which brings me to her own crazy "but he's special" excuse. Apparently she was told by a pastor at her church that the reason why my stepbrother is constantly getting arrested, stealing from everybody, can't keep a job, and acting an all around jerk is because he is possessed by a demon. The pastor even had a private session in which he spoke to my stepbrother's demon who refused to come out because according to the "demon" voice, my stepbrother is destined to be a great religious leader who will bring us all to the Lord. The demon refuses to let my stepbrother go and forces him to do all the stupid stuff he does to keep him from his destiny. Stepmom ate that excuse up and now uses it regularly whenever step-demon gets in trouble. Dude is now in his mid forties and can't hold down a job at Subway but that's ok because he's a special child of the Lord who is here to save us all.

tl;dr: Stepmom believes her son to be the second coming but there is a demon making him do all the bad thing he does to prevent him from reaching his destiny.
 
2012-03-26 12:02:09 PM  
all of those made me sick except for the pole dancing
 
2012-03-26 12:07:00 PM  
When I was a whipper-snapper, they had a different name for "Indigo Children". They called it "Original Sin". All children were full of the Devil and they had to have the snot beaten out of them regularly in order to whip them into shape as little adults.

It looks to me that this phenomenon is a sort of Reverse Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. Middle-class nitwit parents project their parenting philosophy and their would-be superiority on the child rather than maladies. They magnify the "specialness" of their child to psychotic levels and they interpret every flaw in their monkey spawn as a sign of genius.

The only new thing is the crank New Age bullshiat behind the "Indigo" designation. Everybody else knows these children as spoiled, mouthy, aggressive, bullying brats.

Now, post the picture of the Blueberry girl from Willa Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and let's have done with.

Another phenomenon comes to mind when I think of "Indigo Children". This is the old folklore about Changelings, elderly fairies that are left behind when children are stolen by the Good Folk. A sort of "old age pension scheme" for supernatural critters. These betray their supernatural origin by being old before their time, fussy, rude, annoying, stupid, etc.

The cure is to spill a measure of millet on the hearth. The changeling, being Obsessive Compulsive from old age and mental degeneration, will be obliged to count the millet, at which point you can whack the brat with a shovel and bury him or her under the floor of an outbuilding. Another technique for changeling detection and removal is to go through the actions of baking or making beer in an eggshell. This will freak the changeling out, and they will watch obsessively while you do it, and then when you are done, will disappear for ever.

Either way, you will be rid of the little bastards.

As a single man who is expert in child rearing by virtue of an objective view point, I suggest that whacking the little bastards over the head with a shovel and burying them in the basement is a good first step in all cases of obsessive-compulsive or psychotic middle class parenting. Sending the middle classes off in a giant ark has been tried (HHGTTG) and didn't work out well for the upper and lower classes. But a bit of tough love might help.

It's not that middle class parenting is inherently bad. It's just that middle class parents are driven insane by the effort. So cut your loses and run. Leave the child on somebody else's doorstep, especially if you know they can't have children of their own and are distraught about this.

That'll teach them.
 
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