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(NPR)   Is anesthesia a luxury when a 5-foot snake and Taco Bell proportions of gas are shoved up your ass?   ( divider line
    More: Obvious, anesthesiologists, anesthesia, JAMA, Aetna, gasoline, sedatives  
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12880 clicks; posted to Main » on 20 Mar 2012 at 9:41 PM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2012-03-20 07:54:05 PM  
9 votes:
I dunno, but as long as it's mandated that I see the monitor and hear my anal heartbeat before anything gets removed, I'll be happy.
2012-03-20 08:15:44 PM  
4 votes:
Maybe. But would a little foreplay kill you, doc?
2012-03-20 07:51:33 PM  
4 votes:
2012-03-20 10:23:36 PM  
3 votes:
2012-03-20 09:53:18 PM  
3 votes:
More like ANUSthesia. Eh? Right? Geddit? EH?

/god, I'm sorry
2012-03-20 11:43:17 PM  
2 votes:

404 page not found: Tatterdemalian: 404 page not found: Tatterdemalian: My doctor gave me the "there are no nerve endings in the colon, so it won't hurt" line.

It hurt so bad that it took every ounce of willpower I could muster to stay completely still on the table, but my reflexive intestinal contractions were still so fierce I shot the tube out my ass three times, spraying the doctor with blood the last time. He called a halt to the whole thing after that.

/sedation probably would have helped
//the doc said BCBS wouldn't pay him a single penny if he did it, though, so I never got the colonoscopy


Nope, it's supposed to be the real deal. Not sure if it's some kind of weird exception, or if the doctor lied to me because he was some freak that used his patients to indulge his BDSM fantasies, but I never went back to that doctor again, and even try to avoid the hospital if I can. I still drip blood in the toilet sometimes, and wonder if it's from some fissure the colonoscopy left, but my new doctor said that, aside from an odd scar, I don't seem to have any permanent damage.

/might be PTSD, but I'd rather just forget the whole thing happened
//just NEVER buy the whole "nerve endings" BS, nociceptors are distributed throughout the body almost homogeneously

Man, if you "drip" blood into the toilet that is serious business. Usually it's "occult" and has to be detected with the use of reagents. Gross, visible blood from your anus is usually a sign that something ain't right in Denmark.

Even if it's not your blood?

/I have no idea why I felt compelled to post this
2012-03-20 11:26:59 PM  
2 votes:

r1niceboy: 404 page not found: r1niceboy: I've had a scope take a peek at my prostate. Any further and I'd be asking for some serious sleepytime.

Prostate?!? HA! You barely got the anoscope!

[ image 500x453]

That looks like it. It felt bigger though.

The one the used on me was white...the black one he linked is probably bigger.
2012-03-21 01:21:53 PM  
1 vote:

Bendal: My assistant had to have a colonoscopy for a digestive issue she was having, but thought the purgative you take the day before worked gradually, so she took it while she was at work in the afternoon.

BIG mistake. Although she lives only about 15 minutes from where we work, she couldn't get out of the bathroom long enough to get there. She ended up trapped in the bathroom all afternoon feeling miserable, and then had to get through that evening with no food before the procedure the next day.

/remember kids, that stuff works FAST!
//have taken it
///don't be too far from the bathroom after taking it either

Ohgod, yes, EASILY the worst part of a colonoscopy is the Colon Blow drink they make you take beforehand :P

And for the record...going on a liquid diet a few days before going on the Colon Blow DOES NOT HELP.

Not-So-Cool Story Time: As I've noted, have a Parental Unit who has regular arse-scopings, so I've been familiar with the whole "Drink A Gallon Of Chemically Induced Cholera" thing before; the instructions recommended a liquid diet for 24 hours before the procedure, but I figured I'd do it 2-3 days beforehand so as to, well, have less going out.

The SO had also been warned that I was going to be taking a vacation for the next six hours in the bathroom the day before the procedure; fortunately SO has been through having Chemically Induced Cholera before (via a much smaller bottle) so Understanding Was Had.

This resulted in:

a) Learning that it IS in fact quite possible to be so sick of broth that you never want to see it again.
b) Learning that Broth Is Not Terribly Filling.
c) Getting to be tortured at Game Night when the host made lasagna...really good home-made lasagna :(
d) Discovering on Day 3 that even if one lives on effectively a cocktail of moo juice, chicken juice, and pig juice (yes, even resorted to the pork stock they sell in the Hispanic section of the grocery) are going to have things come out of you via Chemically Induced Cholera that you did not know you had in you, and this is fully six hours after you've had the INITIAL colon blow.

(Seriously, I was having the screaming squits up to the day of the procedure. Petroleum jelly and/or KY and those moist baby wipes for grownups are HIGHLY recommended.)

Even worse for me, and this is again an effect of my mutant genetics (WHY COULDN'T I GET COOL MUTATIONS LIKE THE UNCANNY X-MEN, DANGIT?)...apparently other than those really horrid little bottles that they don't really use anymore, there is apparently no form of Chemically Induced Cholera that does NOT contain aspartame. This is problematic in my case as I'm an aspartame-sensitive migraneur and actually did have a real fear that I was going to be spewing prep solution from BOTH ends.

(In my case, though, it turned out the stuff went through me SO quickly that it never had time to stay in my system and cause migraines. I cannot recommend the feeling of what is essentially Crystal Light + Chemical Cholera out the other end, though--especially COLD Crystal Light + Chemical Cholera coming out the nether regions. Yes, in a colonoscopy you will learn the day before what it feels like to shiat cold lemonade. O_o)
2012-03-21 12:03:42 PM  
1 vote:
My assistant had to have a colonoscopy for a digestive issue she was having, but thought the purgative you take the day before worked gradually, so she took it while she was at work in the afternoon.

BIG mistake. Although she lives only about 15 minutes from where we work, she couldn't get out of the bathroom long enough to get there. She ended up trapped in the bathroom all afternoon feeling miserable, and then had to get through that evening with no food before the procedure the next day.

/remember kids, that stuff works FAST!
//have taken it
///don't be too far from the bathroom after taking it either
2012-03-21 10:39:19 AM  
1 vote:
A man goes in for a colonoscopy. Before the procedure, the doctor asks if he wants to be numbed up. The patient says "yes please!" and the doctor sticks his face in his ass an goes "num num num,"
2012-03-21 09:23:16 AM  
1 vote:
Between ulcers and internal hemerroids, I'd have multiple instances of the "Both ends at once" special...upper endoscopy and colonoscopy at the same time.

The first time I took the doc's word regarding this procedure was fairly unpleasant. Thus, with the new physician I have now, I had the following exchange....

ME: Tell your anestesiologist to bring his 'special' bag and prepare for his most challenging day at the office ever.
HIM: Pardon?
ME: I drink more beer in a week than you have in the last year. I have a pain tolerance higher than anyone you've ever met, and the entire line of painkillers that end in 'odone' don't farking work on me at all. If I feel this procedure even a little bit, I promise you I will make your malpractice insurance company go bankrupt, and make you AND him wish your respective parents had never met. Capishe?
HIM: Xaks, there aren't any nerv....
ME: If you even try to tell me there aren't any nerve endings located there, I'm going to first point out how many nerve ending you're going to be prodding over to GET there, and then I'm going to be very angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

From there we've ended up with a fantastic relationship. He gets such a giggle out of me being "His only honest patient".

Now, when this procedure is done, I hear the "OK, take a couple deep breaths and count backwards from ten" and go immediately to "Welcome back! Everything went normally!". I like it much better this way.
2012-03-21 08:52:02 AM  
1 vote:
I'm a 50 year old anesthesiologist, so I have a stake on both ends of this issue (get the joke, eh?) I have personally undergone a flexible sigmoidoscopy (the short, skinny scope) with no anesthesia at all and it was only very mildly unpleasant. My sole colonoscopy was performed with gastroenterologist-supervised sedation and was pretty OK, but the 3 hours of coma afterward were unpleasant for Mrs. clagwell.

For most of my career, I have only infrequently given anesthesia for endoscopies, both upper and lower. Almost always I have used MAC (Monitored Anesthesia Care), which is Medicare-speak for me being there and doing something less than general anesthesia. My endoscopy MACs end up being some pretty heavy sedation, with most patients being entirely amnestic for the procedure. Most of those patients were sicker than average (requiring special attention to monitoring) or had already had endoscopy attempted on a previous date without us but were unable to be completed due to poor patient cooperation and/or inadequate levels of sedation. Remember, kids, your gastroenterologist can only sedate you to a mild or moderate degree and then his/her attention is turned to your insides.

A few months ago most of the hospital made an ill-planned move to a new building a couple of blocks away from the old endoscopy suite, which did not move. So, for awhile we have agreed to sedate EVERYONE coming through simply because our code team is now located a bit too far away for comfort. Patients seem happy, the GI guys are happy, and the nurses who would've been doing the sedation are certainly happy, too. I haven't heard of any billing/insurance issues yet, but I'm pretty removed from that end of things. It has put a strain on our staffing needs, as it's a lot more patients to care for.

Yes, anesthesia services are optional (not a luxury, per se), but are a pretty good idea for many patients and certain circumstances, like ours. And no, we don't work for free:).
2012-03-21 01:28:17 AM  
1 vote:

404 page not found: Outcomes optional? I guess it all depends on which end of the scalpel you're on, amirite?

I think judging medical outcomes is too big a subject to make sweeping statements about it ('Cept that one I just made) so I have to use weasel words. For ex., patients with some form of end-stage Suchstibe-Hugh syndrome tend to have controversial goals for outcomes. But it's safe to say that comfort is much more optional than good outcomes.
2012-03-21 01:24:25 AM  
1 vote:

Max Awesome: It usually takes me just a couple of beers to get numb enough to accommodate objects around the size of your average traffic pylon.

You guys are pussys.

Your arse was the vortex prop for The Philadelphia Experiment?
2012-03-21 12:30:09 AM  
1 vote:
Anesthesia is always a luxury. Appendectomies can be, and have been, performed without anesthetic.

To remove the appendix from an awake patient, tape him to the operating table. You'll need a lot of tape, enough for a continuous, solid coil from his shoulders to ankles, leaving a small gap at the lower abdomen. No hearing protection for the operating team, BTW, as they need to communicate clearly between the screams, but a thoughtful nurse will stuff a towel under the door to spare the folks outside.

Emergency cardiac surgery is sometimes performed without anesthetic. While you are recovering from coronary bypass surgery you may notice a bag of surgical instruments taped up near your bed. These are for opening your chest in the event that your graft dissects. This will be done on the spot, anesthesia or no, the instant the surgeon arrives; and in the latter case you may be treated to the sight of your beating heart.

Talk to the women in your family if you want to hear about the many ways pregnant women get their ladybits carved -- often without anesthetic, because of its potential effect on the fetus. Imagine having your scrote opened with a razor, the wound getting stretched wide, and the surgeon rummaging through the contents therein. All. Without. Anesthetic.

Hose to the butt? You can tough it out.
2012-03-21 12:09:25 AM  
1 vote:

If you gaze into the abyss the also abyss gazes into you
2012-03-20 10:54:39 PM  
1 vote:

Munden: People in the Northeast are much more likely to get anesthesia services. That happened 59 percent of the time, compared to 13 percent in Western states...

NPR just called your sexual orientation into question Western states, whatchu gunna do bout it?

We're kind of busy. Idaho and Utah are trying to count their wives, Nevada is banging some hookers, Arizona is wanking to some gun-fetish porn, and California, Washington, and Oregon are having a stoned three-way.
2012-03-20 10:34:26 PM  
1 vote:
My colonoscopy at 15 was an interesting experience.

When I went in for an appointment just before mine, the doctor came in with two residents. He had me take off my pants, lay on my side, and pull my knees to my chest. He thin put in a finger to get the lay of the land. The first resident says, "Do you mind if I try?" and before I can answer in goes his finger. Without asking the 2nd resident has a go too.

After the appointment I was told to take Fleet (salt solution to clear you out) before coming back. The nurse warned, "It'll come on like gangbusters, don't wait to go to the bathroom". This sticks out in my mind because I remembered thinking that gangbusters was a funny. So I take the stuff and a few minutes later I feel a slight rumble in my stomach. I ignore it and then OH GOD (I then understood what gangbusters meant). No sooner did I run to the bathroom than I though the space shuttle was taking off out of my ass.

Fast forward to the actual procedure. They are halfway in and I hear "There's blood everywhere". Apparently when the tell you not to eat solid food for 24 hours, Jello counts as a solid. There were little bits of red Jello all up in me.
2012-03-20 10:16:04 PM  
1 vote:
Anesthesiologists aren't paid the big bucks to put you to sleep - they earn their paycheck by making sure you wake up.
2012-03-20 10:13:50 PM  
1 vote:

*colonoscopy story, bro

I had one of these done in around `96 when they were looking for some cause of a hunger loss. I'd already undergone negative ultrasounds and MRIs. They were looking to rule out cancer.

As I said, there was no mention of anesthesia. Two technicians and an MD ran the test. The device ran through cables and hoses draping from the ceiling. I laid on one side, facing away from the doctor and the monitor.

They jammed the lubed, fetish-sized butt-plug where it belonged and inflated me with nitrogen. This was not pleasant. Then they began scoping with the camera.

The doctor was making little unremarkable comments, one of the techs was writing it all down, I was trying to ignore it all, until the doctor said in a dead-serious voice: "Oh. My. God."

I asked for a bit more information. She said, "No, I can't... you... You have to see this."

You can imagine the stress at this point.

Looking at the monitor entailed maneuvering my fully-inflated body by lifting my legs in the air, around the cables, and rolling to the other side. Rolling and bending when you're inflated is not comfortable.

I asked her again to tell me what she was talking about, and she began to beam. "Look at that! Do you see that?" I was looking at something that looked like a rolled-up condom embedded in my intestine.

"You've never had surgery, isn't that what you said?"

I confirmed.

"That," she said, "is where your appendix should have been. GO FORTH! SPAWN! YOU ARE EVOLUTION," she yelled over and over while bouncing.

All that, I didn't miss anesthesia.

2012-03-20 10:11:05 PM  
1 vote:

kidsizedcoffin: About 5 minutes after they ran out of drugs, I stopped remembering anything,

That's when they hit you with a hammer.
2012-03-20 10:05:35 PM  
1 vote:
Dennis Miller: "For those unfamiliar with the procedure, the colonoscopy is that long dolly shot Scorsese did in Goodfellas, and your ass is the Copacabana."
2012-03-20 10:02:18 PM  
1 vote:
Funny colonoscopy story. Well for me anyway. Hubby has to get one courtesy of the VA. I go with him to the hospital and all. Everything was fine until this oversized Ned Beaty looking freak walks in, salutes my husband and says, "you're the enema right?" I get this pleading, look of "don't leave me" from my husband while I am laughing my ass off. I said, "I love you hunny, but I'm going to go for a walk." He's like, "But you said until death do us part!" To which I said, "This wasn't part of the vows."

Seriously, the last thing he needed was me laughing my ass off with Ned Beaty the orderly was shoving saline/water up his ass. That would have been disastrous because he would started laughing too. Although when he came out of his procedure, he was still loopy and kept calling me his "wif".

I'm serious. That orderly looked like an oversized Ned Beaty from Deliverance. *shudder*
2012-03-20 09:51:22 PM  
1 vote:
People in the Northeast are much more likely to get anesthesia services. That happened 59 percent of the time, compared to 13 percent in Western states...

NPR just called your sexual orientation into question Western states, whatchu gunna do bout it?
2012-03-20 09:18:55 PM  
1 vote:
You never want to keep an asshole waiting.
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