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(Uproxx)   Stage one of our plan to launch Ashton Kutcher into the sun is officially a go, thanks to Virgin Galactic   (uproxx.com) divider line 50
    More: Cool, Virgin Galactic, Ashton Kutcher, Stage one, stage, Lance Bass, rocket launch  
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5895 clicks; posted to Main » on 20 Mar 2012 at 2:10 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-03-20 11:13:29 AM
Since they can't even make it anywhere close to orbit I think The Sun is a tad out of reach.
 
2012-03-20 11:54:52 AM
I'll start collecting underpants. Who will handle the giant question mark?
 
2012-03-20 12:13:30 PM
farm7.staticflickr.com
 
2012-03-20 01:15:40 PM
Their goal is to be the first commercial airline to offer suborbital spaceflights to anybody who has cash to burn. $200,000 per seat, to be exact. (Would Kevin Smith have to pay $400,000?)

i742.photobucket.com
 
2012-03-20 02:14:57 PM
Oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please!
 
2012-03-20 02:16:20 PM

Flint Ironstag: Since they can't even make it anywhere close to orbit I think The Sun is a tad out of reach.


Maybe use this (new window).

/don't particularly care if he survives launch process
 
2012-03-20 02:16:30 PM
honestly, Sir Branson is as close to a real-life tony stark as we'll ever get.

and this just confirms it.
 
2012-03-20 02:16:34 PM
Please, juice the fuel mix so he can achieve escape velocity. Please!
 
2012-03-20 02:16:56 PM
I would give to kick starter to have him as the first man on the sun.
 
2012-03-20 02:20:46 PM
To be honest, I am personally disgusted by this. The idea that THIS could be what our Hall of Space-Faring Heroes could look like:
www.english-online.atwww.pastreunited.comupload.wikimedia.org2.bp.blogspot.com

/Cry
 
2012-03-20 02:22:24 PM
I see they're sending monkeys into space again.
 
2012-03-20 02:26:50 PM

Serpoltas: I see they're sending monkeys into space again.


It's the only way to be sure everything's safe for useful people.
 
X15
2012-03-20 02:27:58 PM

buttery_shame_cave: honestly, Sir Branson is as close to a real-life tony stark as we'll ever get.

and this just confirms it.


Nope, that'd be Elon Musk.

Aka the guy who Robert Downey Jr partially based his portrayal off, and who, along with his rocket factory, had a cameo in Iron Man 2.
 
2012-03-20 02:30:37 PM
I support launching Ashton Kutcher into the sun.
 
2012-03-20 02:32:22 PM
SpaceShipOne is lame. XCOR's Lynx is where it is at.

I was in Mojave last Saturday for plane crazy (which was rained out sadly) and caught a XCOR presentation by investor Lee Valentine. The idea behind Lynx is the participant is trained as an astronaut. They learn how to be copilot.

XCOR is doing an awesome job. Virgin Galactic can suck it.
 
2012-03-20 02:34:32 PM
Of the many people I would like to see shot into the sun, Ashton Kutcher doesn't even crack the top 100. However there a few Farkers...
 
2012-03-20 02:40:14 PM
I support launching Kirk Cameron into the sun.
 
2012-03-20 02:41:31 PM

TV's Vinnie: To be honest, I am personally disgusted by this. The idea that THIS could be what our Hall of Space-Faring Heroes could look like: [www.english-online.at image 309x400][www.pastreunited.com image 220x274][upload.wikimedia.org image 220x260][2.bp.blogspot.com image 300x400] /Cry


What's even worse is that they bulldozed a perfectly good patch of Chihuahuan Desert so vapid entertainers could take joy rides and barf in their laps.

Where once there was this:

home.comcast.net

There's now this:

msnbcmedia2.msn.com

Weep for the Lechuguilla.
 
2012-03-20 02:42:25 PM
DOUCHE IN SPAAAAAAAAAAACE!
 
2012-03-20 02:48:15 PM
Its nice that they're still selling seats and all, but I havent heard about any progression in their program lately... sup with that?
 
2012-03-20 02:50:36 PM

canyoneer: TV's Vinnie: To be honest, I am personally disgusted by this. The idea that THIS could be what our Hall of Space-Faring Heroes could look like: [www.english-online.at image 309x400][www.pastreunited.com image 220x274][upload.wikimedia.org image 220x260][2.bp.blogspot.com image 300x400] /Cry

What's even worse is that they bulldozed a perfectly good patch of Chihuahuan Desert so vapid entertainers could take joy rides and barf in their laps.

Where once there was this:

[home.comcast.net image 340x255]

There's now this:

[msnbcmedia2.msn.com image 474x300]

Weep for the Lechuguilla.


So they traded one shade of brown for another?
 
2012-03-20 02:51:56 PM
Hey Ashton. Your spaceship is ready.

Why does it look like a casket?

It's not a casket. It's a spaceship. Now get in.

Say, why does that sign say Crematorium? Is this an Ice Cream Shoppe?

Very Hollywood of you to say "Shoppe". Shows real talent. Nope. That's Canadian for "Spaceport". Now hop in. You have to get to the Sun before it sets for the evening.
 
2012-03-20 03:13:20 PM
I think I'm the only one here that is willing to say that this would have happened a hell of a lot sooner without NASA and the FAA deliberately stiffing private aviation.

No human would have yet set foot on the moon, but space airlines? Yeah. No humans would yet have gone to the moon, BUT an orbital shipyard to construct the first luna colony/mining ships would be underway, and satellites would have mapped Luna's surface to find the best landing zones, etc. It's a tech-tree, government versus profitable enterprise thing.
 
2012-03-20 03:29:59 PM

jaylectricity: Their goal is to be the first commercial airline to offer suborbital spaceflights to anybody who has cash to burn. $200,000 per seat, to be exact. (Would Kevin Smith have to pay $400,000?)

[i742.photobucket.com image 300x300]


See I was coming in to be sarcastic to the Sun and try to insult them. But well, you did better, much better.

I applaud the effort.
 
2012-03-20 03:41:39 PM
If you're going to visit the sun, the smartest way is to go at night.

/Also, bring potholders to collect sun rocks.
 
2012-03-20 03:42:32 PM

nucular bum: I support launching Kirk Cameron into the sun.


I support launching Kirk Cameron into Ashton Kutcher.

I'm sure they would both enjoy it exactly as much as they would deny it.
 
2012-03-20 03:48:56 PM
What I don't understand about Kutcher is he could have been nailing ALL KINDS of young hotties but tied himself down to a washed out eighties hag who was kind of frumpy even in her prime.

He's also taking the risk that Bruce might feed him his own testicles. You just KNOW he wants to slap that little twerp around a bit... but Bruce has got more class than that.
 
2012-03-20 04:03:55 PM
If I had the money I would do it.
 
2012-03-20 04:07:58 PM
i74.photobucket.com
 
2012-03-20 04:25:12 PM
You know, this is a sh*tload of carbon being spent to do all of this. I though SIR FARKING Richard Branson was all for "green" and all of that.

Or, is he more likely just an elitist hypocritical prick who likes to sit at his private island while thinking up ways to force Humanity into shivering in unheated caves and not allowed to eat anything but their own dung?
 
2012-03-20 04:28:48 PM
God, don't do that...those vehicles are valuable.
 
2012-03-20 04:29:52 PM
Too bad this is the highest his career will ever soar
 
2012-03-20 04:42:44 PM
I wish I was rich enough my hobby could be manned space fligjt
 
2012-03-20 04:56:33 PM
Ashton,
Now do you see what you get for screwing around on Demi?
 
2012-03-20 05:14:13 PM

Goryus: I support launching Ashton Kutcher into the sun.


hahahaha
 
2012-03-20 05:54:52 PM

Flint Ironstag: Since they can't even make it anywhere close to orbit I think The Sun is a tad out of reach.


Hey, to the Space Nutters anything that gets them off "this rock" is good enough.

Ashtrey: I wish I was rich enough my hobby could be manned space fligjt


But according to the Space Nutters, it will be so cheap that people will line up by the billions to go for a 5 minute hop in a tin can. And will do so every month or so. Because it's just so cool!
 
2012-03-20 05:57:44 PM
I'd be happy if they just send him to Newt's Moon base.
 
2012-03-20 06:01:51 PM
a few years ago they had us all excited when they were going to send that fellow from the boy band in outer space. i anticipated his demise with glee. fool me once, blah blah blah.

i'm still waiting for 'tomahawked' to start haunting Demi's little boyfriend
 
2012-03-20 08:28:11 PM
Let's send Chuck Lorre along with him.
 
2012-03-20 08:34:47 PM
Can someone please explain why there's so much Ashton Kutcher hate? Most times there's a celebrity with such severe hate, I understand why, Not the case here. He seems like an ok guy. No run-ins with the law. No beating women. He was hilarious on That 70s Show. Punk'ed was legitimately funny for a while. "Dude, Where's My Car?" was a good stoner movie, although not particularly memorable. Most of his other movies were total crap, but that still doesn't warrant the amount of hate he gathers.
 
2012-03-20 09:51:08 PM
Launching the B Ark first isn't a bad idea.
 
2012-03-20 10:55:04 PM
Also, how have there been no Airplane II references yet?
img821.imageshack.us
 
2012-03-20 10:58:19 PM
FTFA: Their goal is to be the first commercial airline to offer suborbital spaceflights to anybody who has cash to burn. $200,000 per seat, to be exact. (Would Kevin Smith have to pay $400,000?)

Okay. I have to admit that this made me laugh.
 
2012-03-21 12:06:37 AM
why worry. virgin cant even get their cell phone coverage right. i know. i use it.
 
2012-03-21 12:14:59 AM
Well the stupid useless son of a biatch can bring Galactica back for me.

I got a friend who's willing to say thankya, toss Kutcher out an airlock and
go for a joyride.
 
2012-03-21 12:27:17 AM

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: I'll start collecting underpants. Who will handle the giant question mark?


I think I may be able to. My proposal is; we donate the underpants to goodwill, and use it as a tax write-off. We then use the money from that tax write-off to buy a share in a casino in vegas. This will be cheaper that starting one. With the proceeds from our share in the casino; we continue to buy a larger share in the casino; untill the other party(s) won't sell us anymore of the casino. We then arrange for the other party(s) to suffer from fatal accidents; that way we can get that party(s) share cheaper ( most likely from their snot nosed, born to privilege kids). With the proceeds from the entire casino; we pay Ashton a starting fee for a commercial in space. While he is in space; an unfortunate accident befalls him, resulting in him being launched into the sun.

Estimated run time of entire operation : 3-5 years

Estimated cost(gross): $ 500 million

Likelyhood of success(out of 10, 10 being Ashton is already hurtling toward the sun): I give this plan a 7

Convoluted nature of this plan(out of 10, 10 being a plan daffy duck and Fred from scooby doo would come up with together): I give this plan a 4
 
2012-03-21 01:05:05 AM
Ah, but they'll incorporate it into a 2.5 Men episode so it's tax deductible.
 
2012-03-21 09:35:44 AM

TV's Vinnie: You know, this is a sh*tload of carbon being spent to do all of this. I though SIR FARKING Richard Branson was all for "green" and all of that.

Or, is he more likely just an elitist hypocritical prick who likes to sit at his private island while thinking up ways to force Humanity into shivering in unheated caves and not allowed to eat anything but their own dung?


You have dung?!

//algae, and moisture from the rocks. The proletariat makes me sick..
 
2012-03-21 10:29:39 AM

Somaticasual: TV's Vinnie: You know, this is a sh*tload of carbon being spent to do all of this. I though SIR FARKING Richard Branson was all for "green" and all of that.

Or, is he more likely just an elitist hypocritical prick who likes to sit at his private island while thinking up ways to force Humanity into shivering in unheated caves and not allowed to eat anything but their own dung?

You have dung?!



PSSST! Lower your voice. Don't let the Virgin™ Gestapo find out, dammit!
 
2012-03-22 06:40:20 AM
My hatred for Ashton Kutcher goes well beyond what one might consider "normal" dislike of a celebrity. Shooting him into the sun is not good enough. He needs to suffer.
 
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