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How dating with narcolepsy is just sleeping around, KONY 2012 guy busted for leaving his invisible children around, and NASA planning solar missions at night: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 3/11 - 3/17
Posted by Unfreakable at 2012-03-19 4:14:09 PM (4 comments) | Permalink

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2977 clicks; posted to Main » on 19 Mar 2012 at 5:29 PM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Nothing Earth shattering to report this week, just a new set of headlines for you all. Moving this back to Monday (like it used to be) since it's so much more easy to forget about on a Tuesday.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2012-03-11 to Sat 2012-03-17:

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  The FDA has approved a third silicone breast implant. Looks like we're going to Mars    
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  "Dating With Narcolepsy." Yeah, it helps if you have a reputation for sleeping around    
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  Possible "suicide attack bid" on US Defense Secretary Leon Panetta after car on runway at Camp Bastion in Afghanistan bursts into flames. Will be a confirmed terror attack if the vehicle was not a Pinto    
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  One killed in courthouse shooting in Texas. That doesn't sound like Texas. "This guy was driving crazy, and he was shooting, and we were shooting, and people were ducking under cars." Okay, NOW it sounds like Texas    
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  Beans, beans, the magical legume. Man killed under tons, while his friends tried to exhume    
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  Drunk-o-meter shirt offends Irish newspaper columnist, who sobered up enough to write an angry column about stereotypes    
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  The name of the possibly intoxicated woman who assaulted passengers on a jet has not been released, and 45-year-old Cari Johnson of Phoenix is thankful about that    
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  KONY 2012 guy leaving invisible children all over San Diego    
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  83-year-old woman dies from grass fire smoke. She fought the lawn, and the lawn won    
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  Man steals a vibrating condom, lubrication, and mascara from a drug store. Obviously it was robbed for her pleasure    
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  With 1 billion in the world hungry and 1 billion obese, what is the future of the world's resources? What can we produce which is both good for the soil and green? Hmm. Soil and green. Soil and green ... is people?    
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Sports:

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  DeSean Jackson guarantees a Super Bowl win in the next five years. Upon hearing the news, Andy Reid used a timeout and called a long pass on 3rd and inches    
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  Goetze "not ready" to play for Arsenal; Arsenal admits the plan to sign the midfielder was a stretch all along, and his absence will leave a gaping, monstrous void    
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  Your NCAA bracket is officially Norfolk'd    
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Geek:

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  NASA to launch sun probe in 2018. To keep it from burning when it enters solar orbit, engineers schedule mission at night    
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  Slime molds will find the most efficient networking paths when planted on a map of the US, closely mimicking actual highway routes and proving that civil engineers think like single-celled organisms    
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  Snowflake growth successfully modeled thanks to relentless helicopter researchers    
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Entertainment:

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  Jessica Simpson washes ashore on Jay Leno to announce she's not having twins    
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  Rolling Stones postpone 2012 Steel Wheelchair Tour    
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  KISS and Motley Crue to tour together in 2012. Potential tour sponsors include Viagra, Geritol, Metamucil, and the all new Buick Regal, available in white and offering optional checkered hat    
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Politics:

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  Unit Romney experiencing a 4.3% decrease in serotonin levels as a result of the New England Patriots American Football Club of the National Football League being defeated at the 2012 Super Bowl    
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  After yesterday's razor-thin victories in Mississippi and Alabama, Santorum continues to win the battles and lose the war. Which when you think about it, is a fairly common Southern strategy    
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  US plans release of oil from the Strategic Election Reserves    
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Business:

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  Bridgestone may have found a shrub to provide them with a renewable source of rubber. Rubber tree harvesters relieved, said that they got too many concussions trying to chop down rubber trees    
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  Rockwell buys Industrial control company; Always feels like somebody has bad power quality, and can get no continuity. ΩH, ΩH-ΩH-ΩH    
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  Rising fuel prices curtail business travel budgets. Cincinnati Bengals finally find a way to eliminate eight road losses    
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· · ·

4 Comments     (+0 »)
 
 
2012-03-19 05:53:21 PM  
The KONY2012 one is almost T-shirt worthy.
 
2012-03-19 06:01:51 PM  
Rockwell buys Industrial control company; Always feels like somebody has bad power quality, and can get no continuity. ΩH, ΩH-ΩH-ΩH

"How's the headline?"

"Soooooooooo good."
 
2012-03-19 06:29:12 PM  
Thanks Unfreakable.
 
2012-03-19 08:26:20 PM  
Danke mein Fuhrur
 
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