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(io9)   First trailer for DARK SHADOWS; pure unadulterated horror, and not in a good way   (io9.com) divider line 143
    More: Stupid, Dark Shadows, survival horror, Jackie Earle Haley, Johnny Depp, trailers, matriarchs, Ellen Degeneres  
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5943 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 15 Mar 2012 at 8:37 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-03-15 08:27:53 PM
The good news is that for roughly the price it would cost to take your family to the theater to see the new Dark Shadows movie, you can buy the complete series on DVD when it's released in a couple months.

/theater price includes the cost of snacks, of course.
 
2012-03-15 08:31:48 PM
What in the french fried hell was that?

Stick a stake in it folks, BurtonDepp's done. Hopefully.
 
2012-03-15 08:37:26 PM
Mother of what the fark??

For about the first 40 seconds i was thinking, "I really don't see anything wrong with this."

Then that thing just goes off the farking rails.
 
2012-03-15 08:43:57 PM
Of all the ways that could have been done, I would never have thought, "I know! I'll make a comedy!".

/Matinee, please
 
2012-03-15 08:47:07 PM
It kind of looks like fun. I like fun. Frankly, comedy appears to be the only way to go with vampire stories after the debacle that is the Twilight nonsense.
 
2012-03-15 08:48:03 PM

Shrugging Atlas: Mother of what the fark??

For about the first 40 seconds i was thinking, "I really don't see anything wrong with this."

Then that thing just goes off the farking rails.


That was precisely my reaction.

Don't get me wrong: the orignal was extremely cheesy and had a very high camp factor, but it worked because it
was done with an absolute seriousness by people who were (with only a couple of exceptions) very good actors
and thus it achieved an amazingly high level of dignity.

This is just another example Burton saying "Oh, look how much better I am than this crap!" in the guise of
"reimagining" and "Paying homage."

And, on top of everything else, DS was a product of the 1960s, not the 70s, so once again Burton shows he just
doesn't give a rat's ass about what he's "reimagining".

Even the presence of Eva Green in lingerie doesn't make this anything other than a condescending snarkfest that
completely misses the point of the original in favor of gratuitious disco- and polyester-jokes.
 
2012-03-15 08:49:55 PM
What in the Wide, Wide World of Sports was that?!?
I've enjoyed some of Burtons movies before, and love him or hate him, Depp is a genius actor.
But this looks like - well, it reminded me of the Brady Bunch movie. And that's not a good thing at all.
 
2012-03-15 08:51:46 PM

DjangoStonereaver: Shrugging Atlas: Mother of what the fark??

For about the first 40 seconds i was thinking, "I really don't see anything wrong with this."

Then that thing just goes off the farking rails.

That was precisely my reaction.

Don't get me wrong: the orignal was extremely cheesy and had a very high camp factor, but it worked because it
was done with an absolute seriousness by people who were (with only a couple of exceptions) very good actors
and thus it achieved an amazingly high level of dignity.

This is just another example Burton saying "Oh, look how much better I am than this crap!" in the guise of
"reimagining" and "Paying homage."

And, on top of everything else, DS was a product of the 1960s, not the 70s, so once again Burton shows he just
doesn't give a rat's ass about what he's "reimagining".

Even the presence of Eva Green in lingerie doesn't make this anything other than a condescending snarkfest that
completely misses the point of the original in favor of gratuitious disco- and polyester-jokes.


Wow, you must have at least a pound of sand in your vagina.
 
2012-03-15 08:55:08 PM
The first time I saw Mars Attacks I was shromming, it was the most confusing thing I've ever seen. Why were they even attacking in the first place? Then there's this.
 
2012-03-15 08:57:10 PM
I really need to see Johnny Depp play a certified public accountant or some such in his next film. I'm starting to doubt his range.
 
2012-03-15 08:57:12 PM
Fark you all. I'm going to see it. The original was unintentionally hilarious, due to terrible funding AFAIK; this one is intentionally funny, or tries to be, but who cares. Depp has been trying to get this done for ever and I'll trust him to make a decent movie out of it. I have the feeling that the trailer is going to be aimed at the generation who hasn't even heard of Dark Shadows, regardless of what the actually movie is like.
 
2012-03-15 08:59:01 PM

Carlo Spicy-Wiener: DjangoStonereaver: Shrugging Atlas: Mother of what the fark??

For about the first 40 seconds i was thinking, "I really don't see anything wrong with this."

Then that thing just goes off the farking rails.

That was precisely my reaction.

Don't get me wrong: the orignal was extremely cheesy and had a very high camp factor, but it worked because it
was done with an absolute seriousness by people who were (with only a couple of exceptions) very good actors
and thus it achieved an amazingly high level of dignity.

This is just another example Burton saying "Oh, look how much better I am than this crap!" in the guise of
"reimagining" and "Paying homage."

And, on top of everything else, DS was a product of the 1960s, not the 70s, so once again Burton shows he just
doesn't give a rat's ass about what he's "reimagining".

Even the presence of Eva Green in lingerie doesn't make this anything other than a condescending snarkfest that
completely misses the point of the original in favor of gratuitious disco- and polyester-jokes.

Wow, you must have at least a pound of sand in your vagina.


I am second only to Bathia_Mapes in my love of the Collinses of Collinsport, and this is a complete
upper decker on the original show in every way.
 
2012-03-15 09:01:16 PM

ChubbyTiger: Depp has been trying to get this done for ever and I'll trust him to make a decent movie out of it.


If that's the case, the least he could have done was avoid making the character he's playing in this remake by Tim Burton behave and sound exactly like his character in the other remake in which he starred by Tim Burton.

I get that's his style, and it fits well with Burton movies I suppose, but it's a bit played out imho.
 
2012-03-15 09:02:33 PM
As someone who has enjoyed only one Tim Burton movie I can't believe I'm saying this, but THAT LOOKS GREAT. Even with that creepy/weird looking Eva Green chick.

/Yes I know I sound gay
//Sharp knees and all that
 
2012-03-15 09:04:33 PM
Somewhere, Bathia_Mapes is rolling over in her.....bed.
 
2012-03-15 09:08:30 PM

DjangoStonereaver: Carlo Spicy-Wiener: DjangoStonereaver: Shrugging Atlas: Mother of what the fark??

For about the first 40 seconds i was thinking, "I really don't see anything wrong with this."

Then that thing just goes off the farking rails.

That was precisely my reaction.

Don't get me wrong: the orignal was extremely cheesy and had a very high camp factor, but it worked because it
was done with an absolute seriousness by people who were (with only a couple of exceptions) very good actors
and thus it achieved an amazingly high level of dignity.

This is just another example Burton saying "Oh, look how much better I am than this crap!" in the guise of
"reimagining" and "Paying homage."

And, on top of everything else, DS was a product of the 1960s, not the 70s, so once again Burton shows he just
doesn't give a rat's ass about what he's "reimagining".

Even the presence of Eva Green in lingerie doesn't make this anything other than a condescending snarkfest that
completely misses the point of the original in favor of gratuitious disco- and polyester-jokes.

Wow, you must have at least a pound of sand in your vagina.

I am second only to Bathia_Mapes in my love of the Collinses of Collinsport, and this is a complete
upper decker on the original show in every way.


I'm willing to give it a try. From the stills I've seen in addition to the movie (the modern day segment set in 1972), it looks as though there are elements from not only the original series, but obviously "House of Dark Shadows" and the 1991 reboot with Ben Cross as Barnabas. In the latter, Victoria Winters, not Maggie Evans, was the reincarnation of Josette and that's how they're playing it in the new movie.

I've already seen at least one still that shows Lara Parker & David Selby in their cameo roles. I really want to see what type of cameo roles Jonathan Frid & Kathryn Leigh Scott will be doing.
 
2012-03-15 09:14:56 PM
Eva Green in skimpy outfits? Sign me up!

i2.listal.com
 
2012-03-15 09:15:45 PM

Bathia_Mapes: DjangoStonereaver: Carlo Spicy-Wiener:

{snip}

Wow, you must have at least a pound of sand in your vagina.

I am second only to Bathia_Mapes in my love of the Collinses of Collinsport, and this is a complete
upper decker on the original show in every way.

I'm willing to give it a try. From the stills I've seen in addition to the movie (the modern day segment set in 1972), it looks as though there are elements from not only the original series, but obviously "House of Dark Shadows" and the 1991 reboot with Ben Cross as Barnabas. In the latter, Victoria Winters, not Maggie Evans, was the reincarnation of Josette and that's how they're playing it in the new movie.

I've already seen at least one still that shows Lara Parker & David Selby in their cameo roles. I really want to see what type of cameo roles Jonathan Frid & Kathryn Leigh Scott will be doing.


You're much more forgiving and optimistic than I am, Bathia_Mapes. This seems to cross the line from
lighthearted to mocking for me.

Maybe Frid will play a prematurely aged Barnabas (if they go with that little bit from the first movie)? That would
be a saving grace for me.

The only thing in the trailer that makes me even consider seeing it is Eva Green's CGI tongue.
 
2012-03-15 09:16:44 PM
I like the Burton/Depp collaborations.. This looks pretty fun. I'll probably check it out when it comes out.
 
2012-03-15 09:18:31 PM

fusillade762: Eva Green in skimpy outfits? Sign me up!

[i2.listal.com image 640x831]



Hear,hear(even in something this cringe-inducing)!
 
2012-03-15 09:20:36 PM

DjangoStonereaver: Bathia_Mapes: DjangoStonereaver: Carlo Spicy-Wiener:

{snip}

Wow, you must have at least a pound of sand in your vagina.

I am second only to Bathia_Mapes in my love of the Collinses of Collinsport, and this is a complete
upper decker on the original show in every way.

I'm willing to give it a try. From the stills I've seen in addition to the movie (the modern day segment set in 1972), it looks as though there are elements from not only the original series, but obviously "House of Dark Shadows" and the 1991 reboot with Ben Cross as Barnabas. In the latter, Victoria Winters, not Maggie Evans, was the reincarnation of Josette and that's how they're playing it in the new movie.

I've already seen at least one still that shows Lara Parker & David Selby in their cameo roles. I really want to see what type of cameo roles Jonathan Frid & Kathryn Leigh Scott will be doing.

You're much more forgiving and optimistic than I am, Bathia_Mapes. This seems to cross the line from
lighthearted to mocking for me.

Maybe Frid will play a prematurely aged Barnabas (if they go with that little bit from the first movie)? That would
be a saving grace for me.

The only thing in the trailer that makes me even consider seeing it is Eva Green's CGI tongue.


The tongue was tad creepy.

I've always been a fairly hardcore Burton fan, with the exception of a couple of his movies, so that's why I'm being a bit more forgiving. That, and I know that playing Barnabas Collins has been a dream of Johnny Depp's for many years.

BTW-the last season of the original Dark Shadows was in 1971, so they're not too far off with the timeline.
 
2012-03-15 09:26:15 PM
i dunno... that looks kinda hilarious. plus eva green. so... damn.
 
2012-03-15 09:26:31 PM
Looks like the giant festering turd I could expect from Depp/Burton.
 
2012-03-15 09:27:17 PM
That was...exactly what I expected from those two. Goddammit. Never again Depp/Burton (Derpton), never again.
 
2012-03-15 09:30:48 PM
Well, don't need to go see it now. Trailer gave me the whole damn plot.
 
2012-03-15 09:30:53 PM
jpcatavento.files.wordpress.com
 
2012-03-15 09:31:16 PM

Shrugging Atlas: Mother of what the fark??

For about the first 40 seconds i was thinking, "I really don't see anything wrong with this."

Then that thing just goes off the farking rails.


Yup. Was getting excited... Then I puked on my keyboard.

So sad.
 
2012-03-15 09:37:33 PM
The thing with Tim Burton is that he's like one of those "I'll be the idea guy, you be the work guy" people. And sometimes he has great ideas, but the ultimate quality of the movie really depends on the work of all the people he surrounds himself with, and lately he doesn't seem to care who's generating the actual substance, so long as he gets to have his gnarly trees and DUN-DUDUN-DUDUN-DUDUN score.
 
2012-03-15 09:39:27 PM
Burton? Looks more like the Farrelly Brothers (new window)
 
2012-03-15 09:41:13 PM
Bathia_Mapes:

Huh, for some reason I always thought your handle was a "Dune" thing.

www.wearysloth.com
 
2012-03-15 09:41:44 PM
Holy crud that trailer went downhill fast.
 
2012-03-15 09:42:28 PM
Trailer needed more record scratches.
 
2012-03-15 09:44:31 PM
this was a joke trailer, right?
 
2012-03-15 09:46:02 PM

farkingismybusiness: Trailer needed more record scratches.


That's your key to knowing that this will be one zany fish-out-of-water laff-fest!
 
2012-03-15 09:48:53 PM
Would someone get Buffy on the phone to put a steak through the heart of this beast now before anyone is caused to suffer.

www.badreputation.org.uk
 
2012-03-15 09:48:57 PM
This looks like it has potential.

What? Burton's so incredibly pretentiously artsy normally, this proves he's self-aware enough to embrace the cheese. And honestly, Depp has two characters: pimp and awkward pale face. I'll spend the movie laughing at cheap jokes and fantasizing about Eva Green.

Basically it's an Austin Powers horror movie. What's so wrong with that? Some people LIKE camp.
 
2012-03-15 09:51:31 PM
Ohhh and I had actually entertained some hope for this project :(

(barfs repeatedly all over the trailer)
 
2012-03-15 09:52:56 PM
I need to stock up on torches & pitchforks! Angry mobs = $$$! XD
 
2012-03-15 09:53:10 PM
Well, displaying my gauche sense of humor, I thought it was pretty interesting, and just hope it doesn't have sandworms.
 
2012-03-15 09:53:21 PM
I'll challenge you for second place on the fan totem pole :)

But failing that I'll be happy as 3!
 
2012-03-15 09:57:22 PM
I just assume everyone salivating about Eva Green is aware of "The Dreamers", so I'll refrain from linking NSFW stuff which everybody already knows.
 
2012-03-15 09:58:47 PM

Lexx: This looks like it has potential.

What? Burton's so incredibly pretentiously artsy normally, this proves he's self-aware enough to embrace the cheese. And honestly, Depp has two characters: pimp and awkward pale face. I'll spend the movie laughing at cheap jokes and fantasizing about Eva Green.

Basically it's an Austin Powers horror movie. What's so wrong with that? Some people LIKE camp.


I see this as the apotheosis of Burton's pretentiousness, since he obviously thought the only way to handle the
property was to do is as a straight out comedy.

This isn't camp. This looks to me like mockery pure and simple (Depp's devotion to the original aside).
 
2012-03-15 09:58:52 PM

fusillade762: Bathia_Mapes:

Huh, for some reason I always thought your handle was a "Dune" thing.

[www.wearysloth.com image 319x240]


Nope, Dark Shadows. She was a white witch who tried to remove the vampire curse put on Barnabas by Angelique. She ended up being crispy crittered by Angelique. The Bathia Mapes character was only in three episodes when the show was doing the 1795 timeline.
 
2012-03-15 09:58:58 PM
I think I just felt my brain snap.
 
2012-03-15 10:00:28 PM
What the f*ck did I just watch?
 
2012-03-15 10:00:46 PM

TheHopeDiamond: I'll challenge you for second place on the fan totem pole :)

But failing that I'll be happy as 3!


Or you two can share the role. :-)
 
2012-03-15 10:00:47 PM

DjangoStonereaver: Lexx: This looks like it has potential.

What? Burton's so incredibly pretentiously artsy normally, this proves he's self-aware enough to embrace the cheese. And honestly, Depp has two characters: pimp and awkward pale face. I'll spend the movie laughing at cheap jokes and fantasizing about Eva Green.

Basically it's an Austin Powers horror movie. What's so wrong with that? Some people LIKE camp.

I see this as the apotheosis of Burton's pretentiousness, since he obviously thought the only way to handle the
property was to do is as a straight out comedy.

This isn't camp. This looks to me like mockery pure and simple (Depp's devotion to the original aside).


Wait...camp isn't pure and simple mockery of the material and audience? I kinda thought that was the point.

//apotheosis? Really?
 
2012-03-15 10:01:30 PM
I'm determined to like now I've seen that the Farkers are stocking up on Preparation H in anticipation of feeling epic butthurt upon its release.
 
2012-03-15 10:03:13 PM

Mr. Chainsaw: What the f*ck did I just watch?


It's pretty much Bram Stoker's meets Austin Powers.
 
2012-03-15 10:03:53 PM

Lexx: This looks like it has potential.

What? Burton's so incredibly pretentiously artsy normally, this proves he's self-aware enough to embrace the cheese. And honestly, Depp has two characters: pimp and awkward pale face. I'll spend the movie laughing at cheap jokes and fantasizing about Eva Green.

Basically it's an Austin Powers horror movie. What's so wrong with that? Some people LIKE camp.


Here is my question to you... and to everyone in the thread really:

Why does Hollywood spend tons of money on a recognized property name and then change the story so much (like switching genre from horror to comedy in this case) and piss off the very fans of the original that you are hoping to lure in the first place? It seems that all they got were a few character names for their millions of dollars.

I wouldn't have minded Starship Troopers as a cynical play on the old WWII propaganda films if they had changed the name of the movie and characters. Now trashy Verhoeven film is relentlessly is crashing into the somewhat serious book I read and liked as a teenager.

I feel sorry for the fans of the horror soap opera at having to see this stupid comedy in place of the movie they wanted. If the names were changed and the movie had no expectations to live up to, wouldn't that significantly help the movie?
 
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