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(Oregon Live)   Steven Wright arrested after fleeing from bank robbery, it was said to be a dry run   (oregonlive.com) divider line 127
    More: Obvious, bank robbery, portland police, dye pack, Michigan, robbery  
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15325 clicks; posted to Main » on 15 Mar 2012 at 12:23 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-03-15 01:53:59 AM  
I had to get an MRI. They wanted to check if was claustrophobic.
 
2012-03-15 01:58:34 AM  
One day I got on the bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl. I sat beside her.
I said, 'Hi', And she said, 'Hi', and then I said, 'Nice day, isn't it?'.
And she said, 'I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem.'
So I asked, 'What's the problem?' She replied, 'I can't tell you. I don't even know you.'
I said, 'Well,sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus.'
So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, my name is Denise.'
I said, 'Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein.'.
 
2012-03-15 01:59:37 AM  
Good news, everyone! You're now reading this thread in Steven Wright's voice.
 
2012-03-15 02:01:36 AM  
I saw a hitchhiker on the highway the other day holding a sign that said "Heaven", so I swerved and hit him.
 
2012-03-15 02:08:22 AM  
Balsa wood house...something something...

Had to leave his driveway going 60MPH...

Steven writh made me LOL, but Demetri Martin made me ROFL.
 
2012-03-15 02:13:33 AM  
Getting a kick because I saw him in Vegas..He was awesome! He made himself crack up and could barely
hold character, and that was even more funny!
 
2012-03-15 02:15:25 AM  
If you're in a spacecraft traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on...do they do anything?
 
2012-03-15 02:16:35 AM  
I've been getting into astronomy lately so I installed a skylight in the ceiling. The neighbors living upstairs are furious.
 
2012-03-15 02:22:50 AM  
Best Steven Wright interview ever:

Link (new window)
 
2012-03-15 02:24:22 AM  
My friend got busted counterfeiting pennies. He was printing the tails on the wrong side.
 
2012-03-15 02:24:49 AM  

boobsrgood: I saw a hitchhiker on the highway the other day holding a sign that said "Heaven", so I swerved and hit him.


that one made me lol

love steven wright
 
2012-03-15 02:27:24 AM  
I have a map of the world. It's actual size. It says one mile equals one mile.Last summer I folded it.
 
2012-03-15 02:31:18 AM  
I swear most these jokes everyone is telling are Mencia's.
 
2012-03-15 02:52:09 AM  
walrusonion: One day I got on the bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl. I sat beside her.
I said, 'Hi', And she said, 'Hi', and then I said, 'Nice day, isn't it?'.
And she said, 'I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem.'
So I asked, 'What's the problem?' She replied, 'I can't tell you. I don't even know you.'
I said, 'Well,sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus.'
So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, my name is Denise.'
I said, 'Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein.'.


I got to my seat on the plane and found I would be sitting next to an absolutely beautiful woman. She was reading a magazine. When I finally got myself seated, bag in the overhead compartment, I introduced myself to her and asked her what she was reading. She said it was a recent medical journal and a study on penis sizes of men. She said that research showed that American Indians has the longest penises, and Polish men had the widest. She then gave me her name and asked mine. I answered "Tonto Kawalski."

/not worth the effort
 
2012-03-15 02:56:40 AM  

IBelieveYouHaveMyStapler: I swear most these jokes everyone is telling are Mencia's.



Whatever you do don't say his name 3 times...
 
2012-03-15 03:00:44 AM  
www.worst-killers.com
What a criminal named Steven Wright (new window) may look like...

/I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
 
2012-03-15 03:51:18 AM  
Am I alone in thinking that he's a ringer for Romney?
well yeah the beard and all but still - dead.ringer.


cause I've go nothin' on steve
 
2012-03-15 05:02:51 AM  
I once worked at a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
 
2012-03-15 05:03:03 AM  

odenen: If you're in a spacecraft traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on...do they do anything?


If you're traveling *at* the speed of light, we don't really know. However, if you're traveling at 99% of the speed of light, your headlights will still work, outputting light traveling at the speed of light away from you, just as happens normally. The speed of light is the same in all inertial (non-accelerating) reference frames.

This was, in fact, Einstein's key insight that led directly to the theory of relativity.

/likes ruining jokes by explaining them scientifically
//doesn't know who Steve Wright is
 
2012-03-15 05:28:40 AM  

urban.derelict: Why do they call it a 'building' after it's completely built? They should be called 'builts'!

/i don't think that's his, but it can't be mine


That's Gallagher, pretty much complete opposite style-wise but they look relatively alike now that I think of it. I'm a bit ashamed of how much I remember of the show that joke is from, now that you've reminded me of it and it's replaying in my head. Thanks, asshole.
 
2012-03-15 05:29:57 AM  

IBelieveYouHaveMyStapler: I swear most these jokes everyone is telling are Mencia's.


I didn't notice the word "beaner" anywhere...

/if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate
 
2012-03-15 05:51:27 AM  
i bought some used paint
 
2012-03-15 05:52:07 AM  
... in the shape of a house
 
2012-03-15 06:48:32 AM  
Little league. I'm on first. I steal third. Ran straight across. Earlier in the week I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a straight line. I argued with the umpire that second base was "out of my way."
 
2012-03-15 06:51:42 AM  
I'm sure he only needed the money because his nuclear-powered ice cream shop had a meltdown.

/saw him in the 80s
//opener was some guy named Seinfeld
 
2012-03-15 07:02:01 AM  

stu1-1: I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.


He's an East German Shepherd.
 
2012-03-15 07:09:24 AM  
When I was a kid my parents didn't like me. Instead of a sandbox they built me a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.
 
2012-03-15 07:37:57 AM  
Went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
 
2012-03-15 07:44:32 AM  
I went to see Schindler's List.

It wasn't funny.
 
2012-03-15 07:54:36 AM  
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while, *I* was a suspect.
 
2012-03-15 08:01:50 AM  
"and the harmonica sounds amazing"
 
2012-03-15 08:02:39 AM  
Couldn't have been him, he had jury duty. Kind of a strange case. Six thousand ants dressed up as rice and robbed a chinese restaurant. I don't think they did it though. I know a few of them, and they wouldn't do anything like that.
 
2012-03-15 08:02:40 AM  
Can you all help me for a minute? I seem to have lost a button hole.
 
2012-03-15 08:38:50 AM  
What's the speed of dark?
 
2012-03-15 08:53:03 AM  
Best comedy albums I heard as a kid: Wright's "I Have a Pony" and Eddie Muphy's "Delirious". And Robin Williams' video "Live at the Met" is insane.
 
2012-03-15 09:27:36 AM  
When I was a kid, my grandfather would make me stand next to him staring straight ahead and not talking. He said it was elevator practice. Last week, I'm on an elevator with another man and I turned to him and asked "did your grandfather make you do this too?"
 
2012-03-15 09:28:10 AM  
You can't have everthing, where would you put it?
 
2012-03-15 09:28:15 AM  
It's a wonderful night for an evening.
 
2012-03-15 09:33:46 AM  
Wright's brand of comedy is pretty much the easiest stuff to come up with in the world. It's entirely formulaic, based on a very small number of formulas.

Here, I can throw out a half dozen lines he would have used, all original, in less than five minutes:
1. Why doesn't Superman buy Clark Kent's clothes from the same place the Chippendale dancers get theirs?
2. If a podiatrist and a brain surgeon get invited to a dinner party, do they have to sit at opposite ends of the table?
3. I was in the park the other day, and I saw a mime drowning. So I threw him an invisible rope. And he pretended I saved him. For a couple of seconds, anyway.
4. Did the first Eskimo to see those chunks of black stuff that hang down from your wheel well in the winter think "Oh shiat, now I need ANOTHER word for ice?"
5. How do you throw away a garbage can?
6. My dad's a doctor. When I was a kid, I played a game of Operation with him, and he lost. Every time one of his patients died, I used to think to myself- should I have warned them?

There you go. To deliver, exhale about 80 percent of your lung capacity and intone your words in a low nasal drone.
 
2012-03-15 09:34:20 AM  

tillerman35: Wright's brand of comedy is pretty much the easiest stuff to come up with in the world. It's entirely formulaic, based on a very small number of formulas.

Here, I can throw out a half dozen lines he would have used, all original, in less than five minutes:
1. Why doesn't Superman buy Clark Kent's clothes from the same place the Chippendale dancers get theirs?
2. If a podiatrist and a brain surgeon get invited to a dinner party, do they have to sit at opposite ends of the table?
3. I was in the park the other day, and I saw a mime drowning. So I threw him an invisible rope. And he pretended I saved him. For a couple of seconds, anyway.
4. Did the first Eskimo to see those chunks of black stuff that hang down from your wheel well in the winter think "Oh shiat, now I need ANOTHER word for ice?"
5. How do you throw away a garbage can?
6. My dad's a doctor. When I was a kid, I played a game of Operation with him, and he lost. Every time one of his patients died, I used to think to myself- should I have warned them?

There you go. To deliver, exhale about 80 percent of your lung capacity and intone your words in a low nasal drone.


I'll bet you're a lot of fun at parties.
 
2012-03-15 09:39:36 AM  

Crewmannumber6: I'll bet you're a lot of fun at parties.


after reading those jokes....I'll take that bet
 
2012-03-15 09:39:52 AM  
If they call it fluorescent lighting, why do they put it on the ceiling?

/I should sell that one to Steve Wright.
//Heads he uses it in a routine and I get paid
///Tails I rob a bank
 
2012-03-15 09:45:05 AM  
I lost a buttonhole. Where am I gonna find a buttonhole?
 
2012-03-15 09:46:29 AM  
To me, Wright's humor is like eating medium salsa. The first bite doesn't get you, the second one gives you a mild tingle, the third tastes spicy, then eventually you're rolling on the floor.
 
2012-03-15 10:01:16 AM  
I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.
 
2012-03-15 10:06:59 AM  
"Once I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add to it."
 
2012-03-15 10:21:53 AM  

Krymson Tyde: Joe Egan and Gerry Rafferty were a duo known as Stealer's Wheel when they recorded this Dylanesque, pop, bubble-gum favorite from April of 1974. That reached up to number five, as K-BILLY's Super Sounds Of The Seventies continues.


ha! i drifted off ending up at 1974 The Krofft Supershow / The Krofft Superstar Hour before i could start the thread. tangents. not what i was looking for.
 
2012-03-15 10:24:07 AM  
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." Another guy has sideburns...behind his ears.
 
2012-03-15 10:25:50 AM  
You can't have everything -- Where would you keep it?
 
2012-03-15 10:28:00 AM  

FigPucker: Good news, everyone! You're now reading this thread in Steven Wright's voice.


What is this I don't even
 
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