Bostony: Noone has ever faked it with me...

I know...

..because noone has ever had sex with me.

Oh come on DON'T MAKE US FEEL BAD!

Shiat just got too real.

Glockenspiel Hero: Transpogue: I personally don't know HOW a woman or man couldn't be moaning, yelling, screaming, cursing, etc during the throws of great sex. Who farks silently?

Those of us with young kids. Having them knock on the door during happy fun time is a real mood killer.

/"Will you tuck me back in?"
//"In a little while- Mommy and Daddy are busy"

Whatchu due-ing????

insano: Maybe there's regional sex-noise differences. This girl was Hong Kong.

I think my last date was King Kong.

Glockenspiel Hero: Transpogue: I personally don't know HOW a woman or man couldn't be moaning, yelling, screaming, cursing, etc during the throws of great sex. Who farks silently?

Those of us with young kids. Having them knock on the door during happy fun time is a real mood killer.

/"Will you tuck me back in?"
//"In a little while- Mommy and Daddy are busy"

Ah, very good point. I always forget about those with spawnlings.

I used to be able to keep it down-- college taught me how to do that. But since I now own my own home, I turn it up to 11. I figure whatever the neighbors hear just gives them something to smirk about.

Treygreen13: insano: BurnShrike: I like girls to moan a bit in pornos. I hate when it's over-dubbed. Everyone knows it's fake. Her mouth isn't even open.

I also hate the noises asian pornesses make. That sharp high-pitched "eee" sound really pisses me off. I just want to slap the stupid woman. If the porno's really hot I'll just mute the sound, but usually I just click a different link. It's not like porn is hard to find on the internet.

That's not just the pornesses. That's a thing with Asian girls in general I think. The first time I heard it from my asian ex-gf I almost busted out laughing it was so absurd. It was like a tea kettle.

My asian girlfriend does not make squeaky toy sounds.

Sorry to burst your bubble.

None of the asian girls I've been with did that either. Thank god.

JackieRabbit: Grandma used to teach that the secrete to keeping a man is:

1) shut your farking mouth and give him some peaceful time at the end of the day
2) be a gourmand in the kitchen
3) be a slut in the bedroom
4) if you don't do these things, another woman happily will

I'm not a screamer, but I will make some noise if I'm appreciative of the boyfriend's actions. I've never had to fake an orgasm, and I wonder why some women do. Why would you continue to have shiatty sex with someone that you supposedly love or care about? Life's too short to live with bad farking.

Here's the thing:

There is no natural selection for sex to feel good for women.

There may be marginal effects of arousal that improve fertility in women, but getting pregnant the nineteenth time you make love isn't inherently much better than getting pregnant the twentieth time you're raped.

On the other hand, Men who don't get stimulated enough to get aroused, and then feel enough pleasure to ejaculate don't reproduce.

So all of us have been descended from men who felt pleasure during sex.

... and a very small number of us are descended from women who enjoyed sex when they conceived.

... and an even tinier number were descended from the women that women claim they want to be - the ones who enjoy regular, healthy orgasms in a broad range of emotional, biological and mental states.

On the other hand, women who entice their partner to reproduce with them are substantially more likely to reproduce than women who are 'honest' about their feelings, but I think we can make a case that moaning isn't an inherited trait - it's something that girls learn to do from their partners.

Coco LaFemme: Life's too short to live with bad farking.

That's why I don't have a girlfriend. I'm the best I've ever had.

JackieRabbit: Slaves2Darkness: Probably the same 87% who just lay there and make me do all the work. Sorry hun if the sex is bad it is probably you not me, learn to fark instead of just lying like a sack of potatoes looking pretty.

Grandma used to teach that the secrete to keeping a man is:

1) shut your farking mouth and give him some peaceful time at the end of the day
2) be a gourmand in the kitchen
3) be a slut in the bedroom
4) if you don't do these things, another woman happily will

They need to put this shiat inside boxes of birth control pills and tampons.

Jim from Saint Paul: Glockenspiel Hero: Transpogue: I personally don't know HOW a woman or man couldn't be moaning, yelling, screaming, cursing, etc during the throws of great sex. Who farks silently?

Those of us with young kids. Having them knock on the door during happy fun time is a real mood killer.

/"Will you tuck me back in?"
//"In a little while- Mommy and Daddy are busy"

Whatchu due-ing????

CSB time - a friend of mine recently told me that his kid had walked in on him and the missus while they were having sex. He asked his daughter what she was doing and she looked right back at him and said "No, daddy, what are YOU doing?"

/csb
//made me laugh anyway

elev8meL8r: JackieRabbit: Grandma used to teach that the secrete to keeping a man is:

1) shut your farking mouth and give him some peaceful time at the end of the day
2) be a gourmand in the kitchen
3) be a slut in the bedroom
4) if you don't do these things, another woman happily will

[www.agileproductdesign.com image 330x282]

gourmand |goorˈmänd|
noun
a person who enjoys eating and often eats too much.
• a connoisseur of good food.
DERIVATIVES
gourmandism |ˈgoormənˌdizəm|noun
ORIGIN late Middle English: from Old French, of unknown origin.
usage: The words gourmand and gourmet overlap in meaning but are not identical. Both mean 'a connoisseur of good food,' but gourmand more usually means 'a person who enjoys eating and often overeats.'

Yes, actually, I do. Ya gotta be one before you can be a good cook.

I was wondering how long it would take for the "I'm the greatest lover in all of human history and here's what you're doing wrong and why you're bad and nobody will ever love you" crowd to show up.

hdhale: Gentleman...

1. Get her to orgasm. Preferably more than once.
2. Your turn.
3. Repeat 1-2 until you're done.

It's simple. Skipping 1 means you're a selfish prick and you deserve to get a fake show for your lack of effort. Doing 1 means that unless you are *hurting* her (you cross the line from sexual pain/pleasure to really farking hurts) or take an hour to get off, she'll be too busy on cloud 9 to play sex critic.

Not difficult, really.

The concept is not difficult. The execution can be very difficult at times. Some girls simply do not climax easily no matter what you do.

JackieRabbit: Yes, actually, I do. Ya gotta be one before you can be a good cook.

I stand corrected. I bow to your superior vocabulary, and presumably superior kitchen skills as well.

I only knew the word as a synonym for "glutton," which is apparently an older usage.

Lou Brown: hdhale: Gentleman...

1. Get her to orgasm. Preferably more than once.
2. Your turn.
3. Repeat 1-2 until you're done.

It's simple. Skipping 1 means you're a selfish prick and you deserve to get a fake show for your lack of effort. Doing 1 means that unless you are *hurting* her (you cross the line from sexual pain/pleasure to really farking hurts) or take an hour to get off, she'll be too busy on cloud 9 to play sex critic.

Not difficult, really.

The concept is not difficult. The execution can be very difficult at times. Some girls simply do not climax easily no matter what you do.
All women climax easily. Some just need to be bound and spanked first. Others want to be choked. Find out what she likes. If she doesnt know experiment. If she wont experiment then you need to move along.

Hmm. My problem is that I'm poor. See, the women who wanted sex with me have usually given me signs that they're really, really enjoying themselves, such as grabbing my fingers and pushing them faster inside. And no woman I've been with has ever complained about my ability in bed *to my face*. Since I didn't hear any complaints from any friends or associates, anything they did say wasn't worth passing on to me.

No. My problem is that I'm poor. And when they realize that I still live at home, and don't make enough for my own apartment, that's when they try to make the relationship work as friends, and then move on entirely. Good sex isn't everything.

KingKauff: Who cares?

When we're making love, my wife yells out her name- Rodney Dangerfield

Your wife is named Rodney Dangerfield?

elev8meL8r: JackieRabbit: Yes, actually, I do. Ya gotta be one before you can be a good cook.

I stand corrected. I bow to your superior vocabulary, and presumably superior kitchen skills as well.

I only knew the word as a synonym for "glutton," which is apparently an older usage.

"But it's waffer thin!"
I had to take two years of French in college is how I know. "Gourmand" is the Old French form. "Gourmet" is the modern form.

My wife says I'm the best cook in the city (disclaimer: she want me to keep doing it!). I know my way around a kitchen -- and a bedroom. And I like to moan, too.

doubled99: JackieRabbit Smartest
Funniest
2012-03-13 12:45:39 PM


Slaves2Darkness: Probably the same 87% who just lay there and make me do all the work. Sorry hun if the sex is bad it is probably you not me, learn to fark instead of just lying like a sack of potatoes looking pretty.

Grandma used to teach that the secrete to keeping a man is:

1) shut your farking mouth and give him some peaceful time at the end of the day
2) be a gourmand in the kitchen
3) be a slut in the bedroom
4) if you don't do these things, another woman happily will



Love your grandma! Her pie was great, too.

If only it wasn't so dry

dragonchild: TFA: From "When Harry Met Sally" to "Sex and the City" to your basic porn film, women in the throes of passion aren't just shouting their ecstasy from the rooftops - they're moaning with pleasure. Loudly.

And doing a downright shiatty job of it. That infamous scene in When Harry Met Sally was the least convincing job I'd seen from a popular actress faking an O -- and considering the humor deliberately set up how it's supposed to be so convincing it left me wondering what the fuss was about. Meg Ryan starts out with some "ooohs" right out of low-budget porn and winds up screaming like she's watching an NFL playoff game. I'd routinely seen better faking in late-night Skinemax movies.

Yeah, I enjoy watching pretty girls taking their clothes off, but what makes me excited is a girl getting pawing-at-the-walls horny, and if you're gonna fake that then sheer vocal volume is not the way. Girls run the gamut getting there, but with few exceptions they all finish the same way. While I won't claim to be a Casanova or anything I do know what works (women aren't as complicated as they're made out to be; they're easy to please if you're willing to learn), so I know from experience that girls can't really moan or scream or whatever the hell fakers do when they're gasping involuntarily. You can pretty much make a joke about how every girl is really an epileptic with Parkinson's if you strip away the composure.

Pretty much this.

And all you guys (it's almost always guys) talking about the Hitachi Magic Wand? Press that puppy to the most sensitive part of your dick, turn it on full blast and leave it there for five minutes. Then come talk to me about how great it is.

adp1215: doubled99: JackieRabbit Smartest
Funniest
2012-03-13 12:45:39 PM


Slaves2Darkness: Probably the same 87% who just lay there and make me do all the work. Sorry hun if the sex is bad it is probably you not me, learn to fark instead of just lying like a sack of potatoes looking pretty.

Grandma used to teach that the secrete to keeping a man is:

1) shut your farking mouth and give him some peaceful time at the end of the day
2) be a gourmand in the kitchen
3) be a slut in the bedroom
4) if you don't do these things, another woman happily will



Love your grandma! Her pie was great, too.

If only it wasn't so dry

I thought the flaky crust was her mark of quality.

turtleking: Lou Brown: hdhale: Gentleman...

1. Get her to orgasm. Preferably more than once.
2. Your turn.
3. Repeat 1-2 until you're done.

It's simple. Skipping 1 means you're a selfish prick and you deserve to get a fake show for your lack of effort. Doing 1 means that unless you are *hurting* her (you cross the line from sexual pain/pleasure to really farking hurts) or take an hour to get off, she'll be too busy on cloud 9 to play sex critic.

Not difficult, really.

The concept is not difficult. The execution can be very difficult at times. Some girls simply do not climax easily no matter what you do.
All women climax easily. Some just need to be bound and spanked first. Others want to be choked. Find out what she likes. If she doesnt know experiment. If she wont experiment then you need to move along.

yeah, this.

/if i suck on your clit for 15 minutes and you don't cum..... the problem isn't me.

dragonchild: MistyRexx: First funny thread on Fark in like 5 or 6 years. Well done.

I dunno, I think it's the same "I'm a shiatty/creepy lover" jokes from 5 or 6 years ago. Maybe you're easy. NTTAWWT.

If I'm amused, it's because this thread is like the Fark male equivalent of duckface. "I'm insecure about my sex life so I'm gonna joke about how awful/creepy I am to lower expectations as much as possible."

I'd suspect it's because if they have anything positive to say, it comes across as bragging, and then you get:

birchman: I was wondering how long it would take for the "I'm the greatest lover in all of human history and here's what you're doing wrong and why you're bad and nobody will ever love you" crowd to show up.

So we can't really win, because we'll be accused of one or the other. :/

Kinda like Farkettes and the AW thing... some are, but some can't even mention anything about themselves hinting at having an XY pair without getting called one sometimes.

But back to the article, at least it did point out what should be Ric Romero obvious, faking it doesn't help anyone. So it's got that going for it.

I would say more but I have to be at work in....

18 minutes.

/You were expecting 26?

turtleking: All women climax easily.

Nope, bullshiat. Some do, some don't, some have an incredibly hard time.

girl6: Press that puppy to the most sensitive part of your dick, turn it on full blast and leave it there for five minutes. Then come talk to me about how great it is.



Dude.

Apparently when they are young all women are sent to a camp that brainwashes them into thinking everything has to be JUST SO.

JNowe: Doesn't matter, had sex.

Still counts.

calm like a bomb: turtleking: All women climax easily.

Nope, bullshiat. Some do, some don't, some have an incredibly hard time.

i dunno, man. find out what turns them on and you can get them off pretty quickly, just like most humans. girls that can't cum usually have mental issues with sex.

frepnog: calm like a bomb: turtleking: All women climax easily.

Nope, bullshiat. Some do, some don't, some have an incredibly hard time.

i dunno, man. find out what turns them on and you can get them off pretty quickly, just like most humans. girls that can't cum usually have mental issues with sex.

I'm going to guess I'm both older and more experienced than you. Bottom line: women's orgasms are complicated. If you have enough partners, you will eventually find one who has a hard time, whether it be mental or physical. And no amount of studmanning is going to overcome that.

Nina_Hartley's_Ass: [4.bp.blogspot.com image 640x272]

Dude. You are old.

Guess I can stop wearing the earplugs and thell 'er to STFU.

frepnog: i dunno, man. find out what turns them on and you can get them off pretty quickly, just like most humans. girls that can't cum usually have mental issues with sex.

In the US over 20% of women are molested or raped by age 14, usually by a family member or close family friend. A lot of these women do not have orgasms during sex until they have been through a healthy corrective process of trust building and positive reinforcement.

calm like a bomb: frepnog: calm like a bomb: turtleking: All women climax easily.

Nope, bullshiat. Some do, some don't, some have an incredibly hard time.

i dunno, man. find out what turns them on and you can get them off pretty quickly, just like most humans. girls that can't cum usually have mental issues with sex.

I'm going to guess I'm both older and more experienced than you. Bottom line: women's orgasms are complicated. If you have enough partners, you will eventually find one who has a hard time, whether it be mental or physical. And no amount of studmanning is going to overcome that.

i dunno. i am 40, and have had plenty of experience, plenty of partners and i have discovered that once you figure out the combination to her safe, you can unlock that biatch pretty much every time.

/ex had problems sometimes
//a vibrator up her ass while i farked her helped

calm like a bomb: turtleking: All women climax easily.

Nope, bullshiat. Some do, some don't, some have an incredibly hard time.

giggity

frepnog: calm like a bomb: frepnog: calm like a bomb: turtleking: All women climax easily.

Nope, bullshiat. Some do, some don't, some have an incredibly hard time.

i dunno, man. find out what turns them on and you can get them off pretty quickly, just like most humans. girls that can't cum usually have mental issues with sex.

I'm going to guess I'm both older and more experienced than you. Bottom line: women's orgasms are complicated. If you have enough partners, you will eventually find one who has a hard time, whether it be mental or physical. And no amount of studmanning is going to overcome that.

i dunno. i am 40, and have had plenty of experience, plenty of partners and i have discovered that once you figure out the combination to her safe, you can unlock that biatch pretty much every time.

/ex had problems sometimes
//a vibrator up her ass while i farked her helped

Ah, so not young. Then just clueless. Sorry, but you have NO idea what you're talking about here.

calm like a bomb: frepnog: calm like a bomb: frepnog: calm like a bomb: turtleking: All women climax easily.

Nope, bullshiat. Some do, some don't, some have an incredibly hard time.

i dunno, man. find out what turns them on and you can get them off pretty quickly, just like most humans. girls that can't cum usually have mental issues with sex.

I'm going to guess I'm both older and more experienced than you. Bottom line: women's orgasms are complicated. If you have enough partners, you will eventually find one who has a hard time, whether it be mental or physical. And no amount of studmanning is going to overcome that.

i dunno. i am 40, and have had plenty of experience, plenty of partners and i have discovered that once you figure out the combination to her safe, you can unlock that biatch pretty much every time.

/ex had problems sometimes
//a vibrator up her ass while i farked her helped

Ah, so not young. Then just clueless. Sorry, but you have NO idea what you're talking about here.

meh, whatever. maybe you should stop farking girls that don't know what their pussy is for. 0_o

/i am a pussy farking master. It's all i really want to do.

boobsrgood: frepnog: i dunno, man. find out what turns them on and you can get them off pretty quickly, just like most humans. girls that can't cum usually have mental issues with sex.

In the US over 20% of women are molested or raped by age 14, usually by a family member or close family friend. A lot of these women do not have orgasms during sex until they have been through a healthy corrective process of trust building and positive reinforcement.

is that accurate? because if it is, that is far scarier than a chick that has trouble getting off.

theorellior: Hmm, the article doesn't explain why they moan when I wipe it off on the drapes.

i lol'd

frepnog: /i am a pussy farking master. It's all i really want to do.

Wait, no, you're a troll. Nicely done.

Nina_Hartley's_Ass: turtleking: Some just need to be bound and spanked first. Others want to be choked.

Just want to point out to the young or inexperienced that this is not good advice.

the particular kink is irrelevant. find out what gets her brain twisting.

frepnog: boobsrgood: frepnog: i dunno, man. find out what turns them on and you can get them off pretty quickly, just like most humans. girls that can't cum usually have mental issues with sex.

In the US over 20% of women are molested or raped by age 14, usually by a family member or close family friend. A lot of these women do not have orgasms during sex until they have been through a healthy corrective process of trust building and positive reinforcement.

is that accurate? because if it is, that is far scarier than a chick that has trouble getting off.

I'd wait for a cite. That sounds high or cherry picked by using a very broad definition of molested.

calm like a bomb: frepnog: calm like a bomb: frepnog: calm like a bomb: turtleking: All women climax easily.

Nope, bullshiat. Some do, some don't, some have an incredibly hard time.

i dunno, man. find out what turns them on and you can get them off pretty quickly, just like most humans. girls that can't cum usually have mental issues with sex.

I'm going to guess I'm both older and more experienced than you. Bottom line: women's orgasms are complicated. If you have enough partners, you will eventually find one who has a hard time, whether it be mental or physical. And no amount of studmanning is going to overcome that.

i dunno. i am 40, and have had plenty of experience, plenty of partners and i have discovered that once you figure out the combination to her safe, you can unlock that biatch pretty much every time.

/ex had problems sometimes
//a vibrator up her ass while i farked her helped

Ah, so not young. Then just clueless. Sorry, but you have NO idea what you're talking about here.


Im sorry to here about all the sexually frigid women you are not pleasing. Age has nothing to do with it. I grant you some women refuse to "figure it out"
These women typically look at sex as a chore and are to be avoided. The worst are the women who were particularly slutty when younger and have attached some internal shame to it as they have gotten older.

knightofargh: frepnog: boobsrgood: frepnog: i dunno, man. find out what turns them on and you can get them off pretty quickly, just like most humans. girls that can't cum usually have mental issues with sex.

In the US over 20% of women are molested or raped by age 14, usually by a family member or close family friend. A lot of these women do not have orgasms during sex until they have been through a healthy corrective process of trust building and positive reinforcement.

is that accurate? because if it is, that is far scarier than a chick that has trouble getting off.

I'd wait for a cite. That sounds high or cherry picked by using a very broad definition of molested.

20% sounds low. Depends on your definition of molested. Lots of women attribute being taken advantage of while inebriated to being molested.