BurnShrike: I also hate the noises asian pornesses make.

Agreed, but FWIW, the noises made by regular Asian women are glorious.

alwaysjaded: I wish that women hit the big O that they went off like you hit the jackpot on a slot machine.

DING DING DING DING DING! YOU'RE A WINNER!!!!!

I hate to break it to you, but they do.

/You might want to have that 'faking the O' talk with the Mrs.

Barricaded Gunman: BurnShrike: I also hate the noises asian pornesses make.

Agreed, but FWIW, the noises made by regular Asian women are glorious.

Awww man, don't tempt me.

/got yellow fever

Guys, just pull out the Hitachi Magic Wand, when your wand is done. Or earlier. You'll be surprised how much more receptive a woman is to 'variations' after they have had an orgasm or four.

I usually slap her in the ass and say, "That should hold you for a while."

Barfmaker: I moan during sex because it makes me feel less alone.

*chortle*

Jake Havechek: Single grunt?

Well, would you prefer the guy to leap up and yell GOOOOOOOOOOAL!!! like a soccer game announcer?

-My brother once heard his neighbor break into the Michigan fight song afterwards.

So does "aren't you finished yet?" mean I'm doing good, then?

My ex was very noisy when we first started dating but tamed down by the end. The experience was always like launching the space shuttle- for her to enjoy herself, 38492 things had to go right in sequence, and if there was one farkup, the countdown started from scratch. For me, it always takes every bit of willpower I have to not just shoot off like a farking bottle rocket.

Noone has ever faked it with me...

I know...

..because noone has ever had sex with me.

I normally finish my wife off digitally before we commence with copulation, so I really couldn't give a shiat what she does while we're doing the nasty. As long as she's up for changing positions 2-3 times, that's good for me. If she pops off again, then hey, bonus!

"Damn, you've got a big pu$$y!"

"Damn, you've got a big pu$$y!"

"You didn't have to say it twice!"

"I didn't."

Or, alternately:

"Damn, you've got a small organ!"

"Biatch! You didn't tell me I was playing a farking cathedral!!!"

TFA: From "When Harry Met Sally" to "Sex and the City" to your basic porn film, women in the throes of passion aren't just shouting their ecstasy from the rooftops - they're moaning with pleasure. Loudly.

And doing a downright shiatty job of it. That infamous scene in When Harry Met Sally was the least convincing job I'd seen from a popular actress faking an O -- and considering the humor deliberately set up how it's supposed to be so convincing it left me wondering what the fuss was about. Meg Ryan starts out with some "ooohs" right out of low-budget porn and winds up screaming like she's watching an NFL playoff game. I'd routinely seen better faking in late-night Skinemax movies.

Yeah, I enjoy watching pretty girls taking their clothes off, but what makes me excited is a girl getting pawing-at-the-walls horny, and if you're gonna fake that then sheer vocal volume is not the way. Girls run the gamut getting there, but with few exceptions they all finish the same way. While I won't claim to be a Casanova or anything I do know what works (women aren't as complicated as they're made out to be; they're easy to please if you're willing to learn), so I know from experience that girls can't really moan or scream or whatever the hell fakers do when they're gasping involuntarily. You can pretty much make a joke about how every girl is really an epileptic with Parkinson's if you strip away the composure.

BurnShrike: It's not like porn is hard to find on the internet.

The HELL you say!??! I can put away my VHS?

Johnny Savage: My wife doesn't care how I feel about my lousy performance. Hell, I've had to check her pulse a couple of times.

It stings a bit, though, when she pulls out the Kindle.

/Mostly kidding.

Now I know how my wife feels when I flip on SportsCenter during a beej.

kagemaru026: your average maint. man: i'm deaf, so it doesn't matter to me. maybe an O face.

i said OH BABY OH BABY

chewielouie

karnal: I like to hum "it's a small world after all" during and "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah" when I'm done.

Probably what she was thinking all the while.


Of course it is....my small penis is legendary among my inner circle.

First funny thread on Fark in like 5 or 6 years. Well done.

PeriRies: The article doesn't really account for the times when a woman is howling like a banshee because you've got two in the pink, one in the stink, a mouthful of nipples and haven't even penises her yet.

That certainly isn't a product of her encouraging the guy to finish.

"Who do you think you're going to pleasure with that little thing?!?"

"Me."

"You're not gonna cum in my hair, right?"

"Of course not. This is a nice restaurant."

- Andrew Dice Clay

The real takeaway here is that I have had sex with 87% of women.

MistyRexx: First funny thread on Fark in like 5 or 6 years. Well done.

I dunno, I think it's the same "I'm a shiatty/creepy lover" jokes from 5 or 6 years ago. Maybe you're easy. NTTAWWT.

If I'm amused, it's because this thread is like the Fark male equivalent of duckface. "I'm insecure about my sex life so I'm gonna joke about how awful/creepy I am to lower expectations as much as possible."

Who cares what cum dumpsters think?

Male survey to follow.for farkettes...

87% of men admit they nod and grunt during conversation to make you feel like they're listening to what you're saying.

Luckily, no matter how big an actress she is, no woman can fake the vaginal contractions of a real orgasm. She can do Kegels until she can crack walnuts, but she can't control those muscles consciously. Sooo, if you care about that sort of thing, you can always tell if she's faking the big one.

HotIgneous Intruder: Who cares what cum dumpsters think?

Let's call your mom and find out.

I don't think I have ever had a girl not scream during sex. I don't know what is wrong with everyone here. If you have that problem just make sure they are under 12. Problem solved.

The other 13% moan BECAUSE of your bad performance.
Awww, rrrtttt, git off me!

I think women are genetically inclined to do this in order to give their partner a self-esteem boost and/or hurry things along. I don't think it's even a judgement on the man's performance, it's just what they do.

Want to know how to make a woman scream twice? Put your meat popsicle in her butt and then wipe it off on the drapes!

/Thank you very much
//I'll be here all week.

Jacobin: Omnivorous: In the book, "Sex at Dawn", the authors contend that she's advertising for other partners.

interesting

To be clear, it's advertising for other men to get in line and take the next turn once this one is done.

Or yell like Robert Plant.


"oooooooooooooh..........suck it!"

--The Song Remains the Same(film)

tweek46420: Jake Havechek: Single grunt?

Well, would you prefer the guy to leap up and yell GOOOOOOOOOOAL!!! like a soccer game announcer?
--
funny story about that....i was working with someone from england....and after work on night a few of us were sitting around someone had the idea for us to all tell our funniest sex stories and the one from england had just that happen when he was done

One former girlfriend started meowing during orgasm (hers, not mine). She hadn't done that before and would not do it again in future. I didn't say anything, just, you know, kept on keepin' on.

During the afterglow cuddle, she mentioned "aaaaand I have no idea what was up with the meow." I chuckled and (wisely, I like to think) continued to say nothing about it.

The Angry Hand of God: I don't think I have ever had a girl not scream during sex. I don't know what is wrong with everyone here. If you have that problem just make sure they are under 12. Problem solved.

Link (new window)

over_and_done: tweek46420: Jake Havechek: Single grunt?

Well, would you prefer the guy to leap up and yell GOOOOOOOOOOAL!!! like a soccer game announcer?
--
funny story about that....i was working with someone from england....and after work on night a few of us were sitting around someone had the idea for us to all tell our funniest sex stories and the one from england had just that happen when he was done

One former girlfriend started meowing during orgasm (hers, not mine). She hadn't done that before and would not do it again in future. I didn't say anything, just, you know, kept on keepin' on.

During the afterglow cuddle, she mentioned "aaaaand I have no idea what was up with the meow." I chuckled and (wisely, I like to think) continued to say nothing about it.

Did it happen at an Anime convention?

/no srsly, Fark would be very suprised at some of the debauchery that happens at those things late into a Saturday night into Sunday morning

Gentleman...

1. Get her to orgasm. Preferably more than once.
2. Your turn.
3. Repeat 1-2 until you're done.

It's simple. Skipping 1 means you're a selfish prick and you deserve to get a fake show for your lack of effort. Doing 1 means that unless you are *hurting* her (you cross the line from sexual pain/pleasure to really farking hurts) or take an hour to get off, she'll be too busy on cloud 9 to play sex critic.

Not difficult, really.

BurnShrike: alwaysjaded: BurnShrike: alwaysjaded: I wish that women hit the big O that they went off like you hit the jackpot on a slot machine.

DING DING DING DING DING! YOU'RE A WINNER!!!!!

Yeah but collecting all the quarters coming out would distract me from finishing my own business.

Yea, it would get distracting when you start pumping the quarters back in her mouth saying "We can't quit now!! I'm on a hot streak!!"

Or when you get up for a restroom break only to come back and find someone else has taken your seat.

you did not loose your gf you just lost your turn

Jim from Saint Paul: Did it happen at an Anime convention?

My apartment, actually. To the best of my knowledge, she's never been to an anime con; I know I haven't. Other than typically keeping a cat when her apartment would allow it, she was never particularly into cat-related things.

*shrug*

A toast: Life without women would be so much easier... and so, so, so very boring.

FTFA: "...says Logan Levkoff, a sex educator and author of a guide for men entitled "How To Get Your Wife to Have Sex With You.""

How sad is it that there is demand for this book?

and how much is it again?

hdhale: Gentleman...

1. Get her to orgasm. Preferably more than once.
2. Your turn.
3. Repeat 1-2 until you're done.

It's simple. Skipping 1 means you're a selfish prick and you deserve to get a fake show for your lack of effort. Doing 1 means that unless you are *hurting* her (you cross the line from sexual pain/pleasure to really farking hurts) or take an hour to get off, she'll be too busy on cloud 9 to play sex critic.

Not difficult, really.

yagottabefarkinkiddinme: Phazzle:

You are in the funeral business aren't you? How do you expect them to moan when they can't breathe? You have to fark the living to hear moaning.

Unless it's coming from the spectators.

Slaves2Darkness: Probably the same 87% who just lay there and make me do all the work. Sorry hun if the sex is bad it is probably you not me, learn to fark instead of just lying like a sack of potatoes looking pretty.

Grandma used to teach that the secrete to keeping a man is:

1) shut your farking mouth and give him some peaceful time at the end of the day
2) be a gourmand in the kitchen
3) be a slut in the bedroom
4) if you don't do these things, another woman happily will

JackieRabbit Smartest
Funniest
2012-03-13 12:45:39 PM


Slaves2Darkness: Probably the same 87% who just lay there and make me do all the work. Sorry hun if the sex is bad it is probably you not me, learn to fark instead of just lying like a sack of potatoes looking pretty.

Grandma used to teach that the secrete to keeping a man is:

1) shut your farking mouth and give him some peaceful time at the end of the day
2) be a gourmand in the kitchen
3) be a slut in the bedroom
4) if you don't do these things, another woman happily will



Love your grandma! Her pie was great, too.

KingKauff: Who cares?

When we're making love, my wife yells out her name- Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney, you are greatly missed. R.I.P.

So, apparently throwing open the window and yelling out in to the night, "I DIIIIIIIID IT!", was not the appropriate thing to do? Is that wrong of me?


/fark the neighbors.

calm like a bomb: hdhale: Gentleman...

1. Get her to orgasm. Preferably more than once.
2. Your turn.
3. Repeat 1-2 until you're done.

It's simple. Skipping 1 means you're a selfish prick and you deserve to get a fake show for your lack of effort. Doing 1 means that unless you are *hurting* her (you cross the line from sexual pain/pleasure to really farking hurts) or take an hour to get off, she'll be too busy on cloud 9 to play sex critic.

Not difficult, really.

[angrywhitedude.com image 225x300]

Hey man, it just seems like some people need to read a farking book to get what should be common sense. Sadly too many guys posting in this thread are making what could be interpreted as lulzy comments about sex and they aren't joking.