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Incontinent_dog_and_monkey_rodeo: Leap Day = teh buttsecks

Is that because it makes you jump?

Your sex has already been scheduled: that's what birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine's Day are for.

cgraves67:
3) babysitters make it all possible. family makes the best babysitters. The kids can sleepover at grandma's house. You and your SO can stay in or get a hotel room.have sex with them every chance you get.

can you squeeze me in on saturday?

chookbillion: Sonny Corleone: "The only thing that is instant and strong in our house these days is the coffee."

From the looks of her, who can blame him?

From the looks of him, who can blame her?

This.

Yeah, after reading all the comments about her appearance I was wondering when someone would get around to pointing that out.

She's also in better shape.

medius: My day planner just has "masturbate" written on every line on every page.

Bravo! Good thing it was only seltzer I just spit on the keyboard, soda leaves a stickiness, which you are familiar with, I would imagine.

BurnShrike [TotalFark] wrote:

I have a strict schedule for sex. I had it last July, and I'm planning to have it again this July.

Stop bragging you sex maniac.

Jake Havechek wrote:

Them British chicks are up for anything, they'll go A2M.

So, your wife is British?

/Lucky bastard

RedEmily: Scheduling seems okay but if I have a bf scheduled at 2 for sex and I can make lunch date with a friend at 2:05, then there is going to be trouble.

If you scheduled appointments for sex, you'd have more no-shows than a doctor who performed adult circumcisions with rusty scissors.

other_white_meat: Jake Havechek wrote:

Them British chicks are up for anything, they'll go A2M.

So, your wife is British?

/Lucky bastard

She converted

medius: My day planner just has "masturbate" written on every line on every page.

Mine come preprinted that way.

hitlersbrain: Did you really need an article THAT FARKING LONG to explain that;

Women don't like sex very much.

Answer: Tell hubby on there very rare occasions that you DO fee like it (don't expect him to have ESP). Let him cruise the internet the other 99% of the time.

Welcome to adult life.

ta da.

I disagree. And sadly enough, so do MOST of the married women that I talk to. Us gals would LOVE to get it on more, but the guys are never in the mood. And on the rare occasion when you can actually get them to shut down the computer or turn off the video game to turn in early, they're "tired".

Believe it or not, this isn't a gender thing. It's a "everybody's working until they're ready to drop and then coming home and taking care of the kids until they're zombies" thing.

morgantx: Us gals would LOVE to get it on more, but the guys are never in the mood. And on the rare occasion when you can actually get them to shut down the computer or turn off the video game to turn in early, they're "tired".

I have to admit that I've turned down sex in favour of playing a computer game.

colon_pow: can you squeeze me in on saturday?

With that name, I think not!

If it get's me laid, I will buy you the DayPlanner myself.

morgantx: hitlersbrain: Did you really need an article THAT FARKING LONG to explain that;

Women don't like sex very much.

Answer: Tell hubby on there very rare occasions that you DO fee like it (don't expect him to have ESP). Let him cruise the internet the other 99% of the time.

Welcome to adult life.

ta da.

I disagree. And sadly enough, so do MOST of the married women that I talk to. Us gals would LOVE to get it on more, but the guys are never in the mood. And on the rare occasion when you can actually get them to shut down the computer or turn off the video game to turn in early, they're "tired".

Believe it or not, this isn't a gender thing. It's a "everybody's working until they're ready to drop and then coming home and taking care of the kids until they're zombies" thing.

Bull. Crap.

We have basically two emotions, hungry or horny. If you don't see your guy sporting a hard-on, ask him if he'd like a sandwich or some cold, leftover pizza. We have simple needs that are simple to satisfy. If you see your guy looking pensive, don't think, ooooh, I must have done something to upset him, but it was really his fault so I'll be mad at him. He's simply got a fart up his ass and wonders if it's safe to let it rip, or if there might be the risk of shiatting his pants in the process, and how big of a risk.

My hubby used to work retail (so he had an unpredictable schedule), so we would schedule ours in the middle of the day. We'd put on a video for the kids and tell them we were tired and going to "take a nap". (They were 10, 8, and 1 at the time.) If we did it in the morning, we'd wake the baby. If we did it at night, the baby would wake up. But doing it in the afternoon while everyone was watching a movie was sometimes the only way to get it done.

And then one day out of the blue, it was getting close to "nap time", and my 10YO says, "Mom, since you're pregnant, does that mean that you and Dad had sex?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Is THAT what you do during nap time?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Oh. Okay," and never mentioned it again.

/CSS

o0

Bender The Offender: HAHA, that's so cute. You actually think a locked door has any effect on a child. Mine will spend their time banging on the door, asking inane questions through the door, or they'll slide notes LOUDLY under the door after I've snapped and yelled to leave us alone. Their sex radar is uncanny and their cock blocking skills are legendary. They do not feel pity, fear, or remorse. Their one goal is to prevent you from getting laid and they're designed by nature to be successful at it.

All the more reason to try the scheduling thing. You have something scheduled to do at time X. Your kids know this, and they know it isn't ok to interrupt. If they do, they get in trouble. You work out the details of scheduling, what you wish to tell your kids you are doing (can be the truth if you want, though probably a lie is easier) and so on. Also you make sure they have something to do. Bed would be the easiest, but if things work out better earlier it coudl be something else, but whatever, have something they are to be off doing. You then make it clear to them they have to leave you alone. They probably won't the first time, so then they get in trouble, something minor at first (maybe they don't get to play videogames that day or something) with the understanding they'll be in more trouble if they don't listen.

They'll learn, just like with anything else. They bother you when it is spontaneous because kids (most kids at least) want to be the center of attention all the time and you are suddenly trying to leave them alone. However I'm going to bet they don't pull that shiat 24 hours a day, I bet you make it to work, bed, etc fine. Reason is those things are regular schedules and they understand that.

Is it just me, or does she have huge feet? Like skis, or sasquatch feet.

dv-ous: Sex is good for you. If you have to schedule it like taking your multivitamins, so be it.

Rapmaster2000: [i.dailymail.co.uk image 468x537]

He looks like Al Gore without hair.

I don't see it. He reminds me a lot more of Rodney Dangerfield.

Kar98

We have basically two emotions, hungry or horny. If you don't see your guy sporting a hard-on, ask him if he'd like a sandwich or some cold, leftover pizza. We have simple needs that are simple to satisfy. If you see your guy looking pensive, don't think, ooooh, I must have done something to upset him, but it was really his fault so I'll be mad at him. He's simply got a fart up his ass and wonders if it's safe to let it rip, or if there might be the risk of shiatting his pants in the process, and how big of a risk.

RIMS

Two comments:

Sex is sex. No sex is no sex. Scheduled sex > no sex.

Ugly people need lovers too, and you'd be surprised at how attractive a woman can become when she's willing to go down on you just to see you smile.

Wow, nothing sounds less enjoyable and more unpleasant than scheduled sex. Unless it's scheduled forced sex, I guess. Oops, 8:00, I need to be aroused now. shiat, I'm late. He'll just have to go anyway. Blah.

BurnShrike: RedEmily: Scheduling seems okay but if I have a bf scheduled at 2 for sex and I can make lunch date with a friend at 2:05, then there is going to be trouble.

Since I learned that you stole your profile picture from an innocent girl, I don't even believe you're female anymore.

Interesting... details?

/Keeps a folder of outed/fake profiles for the lulz

Great article, but I have to be at the ob/GYN in 26 minutes.

Bender The Offender: ObscureNameHere: Raug the Dwarf: metametameta: Hey, it actually works. I remember during my "I'm a sleepless zombie" years of parenting that scheduling time and treating it like a worth while project was pretty much the only way to get the stars to line up so we could reliably end up in bed together without a child in there with us. Infants and toddlers are amazingly efficient cock-blockers.

Yep. As a matter of fact, my pet names for my boys are Captain Cockblock and the Blue Ball Kid. They're superheroes whose powers include smelling when sex is in the air and instantly teleporting to the location, they can drain libido and steal time too.

Seriously, I've thought about making a web comic to this effect. They're farking UNCANNY when it comes to trying to get some.

Step 1: Locks on the bedroom door.
Step 2: Mommy and Daddy are 'Having a nap'
Step 3: Profit!

HAHA, that's so cute. You actually think a locked door has any effect on a child. Mine will spend their time banging on the door, asking inane questions through the door, or they'll slide notes LOUDLY under the door after I've snapped and yelled to leave us alone. Their sex radar is uncanny and their cock blocking skills are legendary. They do not feel pity, fear, or remorse. Their one goal is to prevent you from getting laid and they're designed by nature to be successful at it.

Has anyone pointed out that your kids are manipulating you and running your lives? As a parent, it is up to to set boundaries and teach them to respect those of others.
Get back to us when they steal your car and are skipping school, partying and screwing their friends in your bed, etc and you are shocked.

morgantx: but the guys are never in the mood.

Horseshiat. Strip to your underwear (not skin colored granny-panties), sit on his lap and run your hands along his thigh. He'd shoot his X-Box if it would turn it off faster than the button. It won't matter if he's tired. It won't matter if he's hungry. It won't matter if he's doing something else.

The problem is, that when you want it, you think "signals" will get him to come to you. Be obvious. Again, strip to your underwear, sit on his lap and run your hands along his thigh. It will work*.


*The ONLY time this would not work, both from personal experience, and from stories, is if you've been holding out on him for so long he's pissed at you and wants to turn the tables. If he makes moves on you a couple times a week, and you've pull the old "lie next to your husband, hardly daring to breathe, and think: 'If I don't move for a moment or two, please, please, let him think I'm asleep.'" trick on him every time. He knows that you were doing that. And now he wants you to see how it feels. If you've gotten to that point, you both need some help.

Us guys are guilty of a lot of things and are the cause of a number of problems. I'll admit that. But if your man is saying no to sex from you, there's a 95% chance it's because of something you did.

Done it.

Rapmaster2000: [i.dailymail.co.uk image 468x537]

He looks like Al Gore without hair.

Rodney Dangerfield's limey lovechild.

noreallythatsmyname: colon_pow: can you squeeze me in on saturday?

With that name, I think not!

you won't be disappointed.
well, maybe for 4 or 5 minutes...

//Is scheduling 7 years ahead to much?

Bender The Offender: HAHA, that's so cute. You actually think a locked door has any effect on a child. Mine will spend their time banging on the door, asking inane questions through the door, or they'll slide notes LOUDLY under the door after I've snapped and yelled to leave us alone. Their sex radar is uncanny and their cock blocking skills are legendary. They do not feel pity, fear, or remorse. Their one goal is to prevent you from getting laid and they're designed by nature to be successful at it.

I don't want to think too much about this but IIRC when we were kids banging on their door was one of the things we just didn't do to avoid making my dad angry. In general if something really pissed my dad off that was avoided in the future. Now I'm no expert but there seems to be no such fear of angering their parents among kids these days. Maybe it is the lack of corporal punishment. Again I don't know enough about the subject to know whether it is needed or not but I do know that pulling those shenanigans would've caused me some sort of pain, plain and simple, so I just didn't do it.

Kyoki: Great article, but I have to be at the ob/GYN in 26 minutes.

I see what you did there.

Darkrover2: [ts4.mm.bing.net image 211x158]
//Is scheduling 7 years ahead to much?

Is the appropriate number of o's?

;)

ayrsayle: BurnShrike: RedEmily: Scheduling seems okay but if I have a bf scheduled at 2 for sex and I can make lunch date with a friend at 2:05, then there is going to be trouble.

Since I learned that you stole your profile picture from an innocent girl, I don't even believe you're female anymore.

Interesting... details?

/Keeps a folder of outed/fake profiles for the lulz

RedEmily stole her profile pictures from some girl's flickr account. She had quite a few displayed in her profile, and some other Farker found the originals. The poor girl who's had her photos stolen doesn't even know. Email to her flickr account and email address just get bounced, so we haven't been able to inform her that someone's using her pictures for their own twisted purposes.

Ed Finnerty: [dtdstudios.com image 483x346]

That was laugh-out-loud-and-spray-the-monitor-with-iced-tea funny right there. Probably you have to work in an Outlook shop to get it, but that is farking comedy GOLD. Kudos and many internets to you, good sir!

RedEmily: Scheduling seems okay but if I have a bf scheduled at 2 for sex and I can make lunch date with a friend at 2:05, then there is going to be trouble.

2am ~ 2:05pm next day not enough?

/

If we have sex, the next day, I pay my quarterly taxes.

If its oral sex, I renew my driver's license.

/Shamelessly stolen from Ray Romano

pnjunction: Bender The Offender: HAHA, that's so cute. You actually think a locked door has any effect on a child. Mine will spend their time banging on the door, asking inane questions through the door, or they'll slide notes LOUDLY under the door after I've snapped and yelled to leave us alone. Their sex radar is uncanny and their cock blocking skills are legendary. They do not feel pity, fear, or remorse. Their one goal is to prevent you from getting laid and they're designed by nature to be successful at it.

I don't want to think too much about this but IIRC when we were kids banging on their door was one of the things we just didn't do to avoid making my dad angry. In general if something really pissed my dad off that was avoided in the future. Now I'm no expert but there seems to be no such fear of angering their parents among kids these days. Maybe it is the lack of corporal punishment. Again I don't know enough about the subject to know whether it is needed or not but I do know that pulling those shenanigans would've caused me some sort of pain, plain and simple, so I just didn't do it.

There's a time for beatings, that time is not when the kids are annoying me. My kids are well behaved and generally good kids. They do their chores, they do well in school, and very rarely have trouble listening. My kids like me and my wife and want to spend time with us when they can, I'm not going to beat them for that. If I beat them everytime they annoyed me, they'd eventually grow up to be asshole trolls with mental problems like AbbeySomeone.

hitlersbrain: Did you really need an article THAT FARKING LONG to explain that;

Women don't like sex very much.

Answer: Tell hubby on there very rare occasions that you DO fee like it (don't expect him to have ESP). Let him cruise the internet the other 99% of the time.

Welcome to adult life.

ta da.

Not true. Some of us enjoy sex. Very much.

littleshootingstar: hitlersbrain: Did you really need an article THAT FARKING LONG to explain that;

Women don't like sex very much.

Answer: Tell hubby on there very rare occasions that you DO fee like it (don't expect him to have ESP). Let him cruise the internet the other 99% of the time.

Welcome to adult life.

ta da.

Not true. Some of us enjoy sex. Very much.

Some.... not most. It's still a crap shoot until after the nose ring has been tied to find out.

BurnShrike: morgantx: Us gals would LOVE to get it on more, but the guys are never in the mood. And on the rare occasion when you can actually get them to shut down the computer or turn off the video game to turn in early, they're "tired".

I have to admit that I've turned down sex in favour of playing a computer game.

Which game? I hope it wasn't WoW.