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(Fark)   Do you have a crazy roommate story?   (fark.com) divider line 417
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3724 clicks; posted to Main » on 24 Feb 2012 at 1:55 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-02-24 09:52:59 AM  

eyehate: I had a roommate whose asshole was pinker than a kitten's nose.


Why... why do you know this?
 
2012-02-24 09:53:20 AM  
I thought I was so lucky with my first house in this area. Cute little ranch house in a beautiful neighborhood, close to the train, and within walking distance of work, pets welcome. One housemate was a Vietnamese lab tech who worked at the same place I did; he hardly ever left his room other than to offer us some of the delicious food he cooked. The other housemate was a youngish guy who built custom cabinetry and had a wood working shop in the basement. He was also pretty quiet and kept to himself down in the basement apartment but would sometimes come up and watch TV. He seemed pretty nice and we got along fine.

After I lived there for a few months I came home from work one night to find every flat surface in the living room, dining room, and kitchen covered with guns. There must have been a hundred or more. Big guns, little ones, antique ones, scary military looking guns. My housemate (the carpenter) was sitting at the dining room table cleaning a handgun. I'm not really opposed to guns but I've never spent much time around them and this was just mind-boggling. He'd never mentioned them. So we talked. It was just a hobby, he was a collector, some of them were rare and worth quite a bit of money, he kept them locked up at all times, just had them out now to clean them...etc. I asked if they were loaded. Oh no, never. So I picked up a random handgun and popped the clip out of it. Full of bullets. It's unloaded because there's no bullet in the chamber, he said. (This is not my idea of unloaded...)

Apparently because I didn't freak right the hell out he decided I was cool and the guns began to make more regular appearances. One night I came home to find the front door open and all the lights out. He was sitting on the couch, in the dark, with a loaded semi-automatic weapon of some kind (like an AK 47 or M16, that kind of semi-automatic weapon) in his lap. I asked him what was going on. He said some kids had broken into his truck and messed with his tools and he was waiting for them to come back. After I ascertained that he had every intention of shooting them I turned on the lights, closed the door, and had a long talk with him about why that would be bad. Once for my birthday, he left the house for a few minutes, then came running back, told me to shut the door, turn off the lights, and get on the floor. A few seconds later there was an enormous boom so loud the windows shook and some of the pictures fell off the walls. Turns out he'd set off a quarter stick of dynamite in an empty overgrown lot up the street so I'd have fireworks on my birthday. He showed me stacks of something in the basement he claimed was C4. Sometimes strangers would show up at the door "to see the guns". Some of them were nice, some of them were decidedly not.

I also learned other interesting things about him. He didn't use banks or have credit cards because he was paranoid about the government and thought they were watching him. He made a crap ton of money (he was a VERY good carpenter) and he kept all his cash in the house in the safe with the guns, sometimes thousands of dollars at a time. (And what do cash and guns mean to cops? Drugs. He was totally sober though.) He was into high end stereo of the sort where he had to send to Germany for the needles for his turntable and all his components ran off vacuum tubes. He listened to bluegrass obsessively. He'd gotten into Transcendental Meditation for awhile and had started importing stuff from India to sell for them. Most of it was harmless, beautiful silks, saris, art objects, etc, but some of it was the most incredibly detailed pornography I've ever seen, all done with single hair brushes on small plaques of ivory. The porn didn't bother me nearly as much as the ivory did. He spent a lot of time in the basement, sitting inches from his stereo speakers, looking at these paintings, listening to banjo music.

The night I took a phone call for him and went down to the basement to fetch him and he wheeled around and pointed a gun at me I moved out.
 
2012-02-24 09:53:34 AM  
a college aquaintance (friend of a friend) needed a room for the summer term--he wasn't really bad, but smoked like a chimney.

He rolled his own (had this little machine that you put prerolled paper and filters in, and then loaded up the tobacco.

I was with him on a Friday when he purchased a box of the paper/filter things something like a 200 count box.

I went away for the weekend, leaving early Saturday morning.

I come back late Sunday night, and the apartment is in a literal fog, and he's there, sitting in his underwear, watching TV and smoking--his last cigarette. All the windows were shut, (we had no A/C).

I never got the smell out of the place.
 
2012-02-24 09:54:03 AM  
My last roommate had me call 911 after his drunk girlfriend threw up in bed while they were farking and didn't tell me what exactly was going on. Two cop cars, an ambulance, and a firetruck later, he yelled at me for not call 911 fast enough and asking what the hell was going on.

/though that was more of the last in a series of really stupid events
//moved out a week later
///hope he got slammed with a fine for wasting everyone's time
 
2012-02-24 09:55:33 AM  
It was my ex-roommates first apartment away from home. The first night she moved in she got hammered at the bar, got a cab home and proceeded to get lost in the hallway of our two bedroom apartment. She called her dad on her cell, crying and told him she was lost. He called me, I woke up and looked in the hall where I found her laying in a puddle of vomit outside the bathroom. She was very happy to see me.
/still best friends 10 years later : )
 
2012-02-24 09:55:52 AM  
I had a roomate that was so farking lazy he pissed in a drinking glass and put it on his nightstand rather than get up and walk three feet to go to the bathroom.

I was loading the dishwasher and doing a walk-through looking for random plates, glasses, etc and his door was open and I saw the glass sitting there. It appeared to be tea. I picked it up and the smell slapped me in the face. His room was already disgusting and at that point I was at max capacity with him, so I emptied it into his waterbed. When he came home later, he didn't even get angry with me, because he knew he was crazy.

He's still around, and no I'm not friends with him. I drove past him not all that long ago parked outside the county courthouse. His equally annoying crazy aggressive dog was going batshiat barking at nothing in the camper shell on the back of his truck, and he appeared to be crying.
 
2012-02-24 09:56:36 AM  

blondski: ibanezdude: I always wondered whether commuting to university and living with my parents for a couple years afterwards was a smart decision, seeing as I had very little privacy and everyone else was having fun partying away at school. Then I read threads like this and feel a little bit better. Just a little.

Being forced to live with a stranger in a 10 foot box is an excellent lesson in tolerance.


Now imagine you're both drunk roughly 50% of the time, and you're both trained to kill. The Army is a hell of a place.

I had a roommate in the Army who, on his 21st birthday (I was about a year younger) announced that his goal that night was to puke, piss AND shiat himself. He came in about 6:00 that morning... we had to be in formation at 6:30 for PT (running, pushups... not the sort of thing you want to do when you're blackout drunk, although I pulled it off a couple of times).

He succeeded in pissing himself, I found that out when I went to wake him up to go. He wouldn't respond to yelling, hitting or shoving; I pulled him out of the chair and he crawled back into it. So I went to formation without him, telling our NCO's that Cosme was blacked out in the room.

Immediately after PT, somebody had finally gotten him awake and he saw me walking back to the barracks... so he tried to fight me, yelling "what the hell is your problem, man!" I felt bad I hadn't done more, but there's no way that was my damned fault. This is the same kid we had to drag back from Mexico at 10:00 am one morning because he and another soldier decided they'd "made friends" with the Mexican barflies and they weren't coming back to the Army, and who actually went AWOL another time. I was so happy when that ass PCS'd to Korea.

Of course, in college, I was the drunk asshole who loved to fight. It's all about perspective, I guess.
 
2012-02-24 09:57:03 AM  
In the Air Force we didn't have roommates, per se, but did have to share a bathroom with an adjoining unit.

One night the guy next door drank a bunch of red wine and ate a gallon of spaghetti, which he then threw up in his sink. This clogged the pipes in the common shower and it all backed up through the floor drain while I was in there the next morning.

I almost gag thinking about it, even today.
 
2012-02-24 10:00:32 AM  
As a person who once shared a bachelor pad with John Wayne Gacy, I'm getting a kick out of these responses.
 
2012-02-24 10:01:47 AM  
I've never had a roommate, but when I was living in the dorms, I remember we wound up having to evict a guy from the 1st floor (I was on 3rd). We were the non-traditional dorm (I was 20, normally too young, but they let me live there anyway) and this guy was probably in his 40's. He showered once at the beginning of the semester and that was it. As the months progressed, his smell and the smell coming from his room got worse and worse. If you were on the 1st floor, you could smell him walking into the building before you saw him. Finally he was evicted for sanitation reasons. Apparently when they went to clean out his room, they found cigarette butts stomped out all over the floor and raw meat lying around.

He was a perfectly nice person, but something must have been really wrong with him mentally.
 
DGS [TotalFark]
2012-02-24 10:03:34 AM  

toejam: Junior year of college. I was alone in the apartment (I had 4 roommates). Get a knock at the door one night. Open the door and city cops and FBI push their way in with a search warrant. Long story short, crazy roommate was wanted for murder and had been on the lam for a year. They had picked him up earlier that day and were searching for goods purchased with his victim's credit card. He had stabbed the guy over 40 times and caved his skull in with a statue.

At least they left the weed they found.


*blinkblink* I bet that made you wonder how you survived.

/it would've made me wonder. wtf.
 
2012-02-24 10:07:18 AM  

MAYORBOB: As a person who once shared a bachelor pad with John Wayne Gacy, I'm getting a kick out of these responses.


Kid I went to school with was found under his house.
 
2012-02-24 10:07:56 AM  
I've got a long-time buddy, was a short term FWB for a bit. He's great from a distance.
Our first roommate experience ended up with his motorcycle and several spare parts living in our living room.
I braved his room once; where he slept on a mat on the floor. Hundreds of beer cans scattered all over the place. Sure, 'we' partied in the common area...but he partied even more in his room. I ended up gluing them into 6-high stacks one night while he was asleep and surrounding him with the stacks. Good times.
When he finally left he returned all the cans and substantially padded his road-trip fund.

Our second roommate experience, he was crashing on a mat in the basement of the house my folks had both moved out of and left 'us all' in charge of. Those were his douchebag days, he and his bluelight/gunnut buddies would hang out down there shooting bb guns into the ceiling. After he banged my BFF (ended up knocking her up actually...dude has his own baseball team by now) I had a relative take all his crap and leave it on his mom's front yard. She was pretty pissed off....that she had to go back to being the one putting up with his crap.

Only really had one other non-romantic-type roommate, he was and still is a lazy, sponging all-day-angry-drunk type who's never really held a job for more than several months at a time - all lowest-end retail and ends up fired for mooching out of the registers - I'm pretty sure he's some kind of psycho, he makes up all manners of fancy, monied scenarios for himself, flies into ridiculous violent rages, especially when confronted on his behavior- blames everybody in the world for his lack of productivity, denies his drug problems, insolvency, claims he's basically waiting for one or the other parent to kick off so he can begin living the preppy house/car/clothes lifestyle he deserves. Currently living with mommy. I keep him at arm's length anymore.
The common denominator on the few occasions I've ended up having to take care of him was theft. Stole 300$ from a brother once and proceeded to bus it off to Boston and pretend to actually have his own cash. Calling him out on it provoked yet another violent rage.

Lucky enough to not have anything more to report than this. My current roommate is my spouse and he's a keeper.
 
2012-02-24 10:09:18 AM  

rickythepenguin: Nadie_AZ: Heh. Try going to college as a young adult ... and married.
...
requiem for stuff you never crushed in D- (the saddest of all keys)


You, sir, are now among my favorites.
 
2012-02-24 10:13:02 AM  
Worse roommate ever is the one I live with now. Wears my clothes, drives my cars, eats my food, spends my money and bangs my old lady. I hate that guy.
 
2012-02-24 10:14:52 AM  
I had one that never bathed, never showered or washed her clothes, and my god she smelled horrible. If she was downstairs, I had to be upstairs. Or better yet, out of the house.

She'd leave used maxi pads on the bathroom floor and ate off of dirty dishes. If she actually did shower, I would have to clean the bathtub to be able to use it again. Once I tried to wash a stinky blanket she left in the living room all the time. 3 washes and it still smelled awful.

The worst was when she "adopted" a cat. The coke head never took care of it and it turned into the worst behaved kitten I've ever seen. It clawed and trashed everything and tortured my own cat. I eventually realized it was because she didn't feed it. I also couldn't make her understand that you absolutely don't put a cat's food and water next to the litter box for them to kick litter into. I would feed and give water to the cat, moving the dishes away from the litter box, and she'd just move them back beside the litter box. The cat's water would be full of dirty kitty litter.

Eventually she started throwing the cat outside because she didn't want to take care of it. The neighbors would bring it back to me. After I moved out I called the Humane Society, but I doubt they did anything to help and I'm sure the cat would have been dead anyways.
 
2012-02-24 10:16:32 AM  
My room-mate woke me up one night, only for me to realize I was already standing with my d*ck in my hands. I had been peeing on the laundry room door from the inside of the house. He tells me that before I came to, I was assuring him I would flush when I was done and he could just calm down already...

/ so wasted
// I'll get the swiffer
 
d3
2012-02-24 10:19:16 AM  
Sophomore year one of my roomies liked to play with Mercury using his bare hands. He kept it in a glass bottle. Went to his house to play table tennis once. The ball ended up behind a bookshelf. He was pissed off and ripped the shelf away from the wall. On the shelf were 3 different bottles of highly concentrated acid (HCL, Sulfuric, and can't remember the 3rd). The glass breaks on the hard floor and the acid immediately dissolves the carpet fibers. We used every box of baking soda in the house to neutralize it all along with lots of water. When we sucked it up in a shop vac, the fibers plus C02 turned into a type of Styrofoam.

Then my senior year my roommate and I were the crazy ones in our house of 6. Waking the house coming back drunk. Generally being dicks to three of the other 4 because they were nerds.
 
2012-02-24 10:21:59 AM  
I lived with a guy that I went to school with for IT. We were both really into networking etc (windows 2000 era). He had this hot friend (girl) that he grew up with and desperately wanted to date. Well, I started talking to her...a lot, and mostly on Windows Messenger. When it came to me sleeping with her at her place, I started noticing that he was anticipating my moves....calling her, asking her to hang out when we were getting together. That's when I realized that he had a packet sniffer on our network, and was spying on all my conversations over Windows Messenger. Luckilly enough, our lease ended soon after. I moved out without telling him, and moved on with my life. He found out later that I knew, and we haven't spoken since. As for the girl, she was CRAZY, but AMAZING in the sack.

/yeah I know, cool story bra
 
2012-02-24 10:24:12 AM  
Crazy Roommate stories... where to begin..

Had a roommate that was absolutely frightening.
I came home one day to find the kitchen covered in broken glass, found out this roommate had gone on a rampage because there was a box of Mac & Cheese that was missing. it was not even his box.

had another roommate that would starve himself when he felt the other roommates didnt like (read pay enough attention to) him..by the time he moved out he was a twig, because we really didnt like him
 
2012-02-24 10:24:46 AM  
The longest roommate I had was a 6-foot tall, 240lb Mexican. He drank excessively and loved drawing penises on the doors in the dorms when he got drunk. The university eventually figured out who it was and gave him a stern warning. So he managed to get other people drunk, convince them it was a good idea to draw penises on the doors, and had them draw said penises.

One time he got really wasted and went to the bathroom, locked the door, then passed out on the floor. Another time he got even more drunk and started urinating in the corner of our 14x14 room. And then there was the time we got in a tussle in the room (I was 180lb at the time) and I tossed him into our full-size stoplight, lacerating his toe. He may have had a bad reaction to the vodka that we ran through the water filter also.


I went to his wedding a couple years after that and he had given up drinking almost entirely.

There was also a time that I walked by someone else's room, and the door was open. The two guys in there had made a tent out of their beds and some sheets. I asked them what it was for and they said "to keep the girls out".
 
2012-02-24 10:25:02 AM  
Two roommates in College:

• Bat-shiat insane, emotionally damaged hairy-armpit-bisexual-know-it-all-and-will-tell-you-even-if-you-didn't -ask theatre major.*

*
She would like you to know that she never, ever attends a music festival or musical event unless it's a fund-raiser or political rally, so please remember that and try to follow her example. She also enjoyed sitting in the dark, so when I came home and switched on the lights, sometimes she would be right there on the couch staring into space and would ask me to turn the lights off. .....oooooooh-kaaaaaaay.

• Communist, activist and alt-music super-snob in a very, very serious alternative band. Never threw anything away, and was strangely ungrateful to his family for his free ride to higher education.

My last apartment roommate was 12 years ago. Major right-wing gun nut, so it countered and matched the crazy from before.

The whole experience made me realize that crazy is crazy, no matter where or who you are.
 
2012-02-24 10:25:17 AM  
My current condo-mate says that I'm the best part time drunk she's ever known, since she's dealt with her share of stupid stumble bum drunken boyfriends.

I drink lots of beer on weekends, play my stereo loud, get giddy and happy, order pizza, bump into things, then close down the tunes and go to bed. Usually by 10pm.
 
2012-02-24 10:29:31 AM  
Not my roommate, but a friend of mine's - He had 2 roommates who would sit around in the living room watching porn on tv and jacking off. Me and him walked into his apartment and they said 'hey whats up' and continued, made no attempt to cover up or hide it or anything.. My friend said they did this all the time and shot their loads all over the floor.

:|
 
2012-02-24 10:33:22 AM  

hammettman: My first roommate lasted a month. I've come to learn in life that there are people who possess no "situational awareness" about themselves and their immediate surroundings. That was my (Awesomeness redacted) ...




VCSB
 
2012-02-24 10:34:35 AM  
My friend (female) lived with a very attractive girl. I went to visit her once and slept over in the living room. The roommate came home drunk at some time during the night and came into the living room naked at some point after that. She looked around bewildered, and proceeded to fart.
 
2012-02-24 10:35:53 AM  
Do you mean the crazy roommate who brought home his crazy friend, who had consumed two-thirds of a bottle of Jack Daniel's and dropped three Quaaludes and who was near death and wanted me to fix him up? That roommate? The last roommate I ever tolerated?
 
2012-02-24 10:36:14 AM  
Oh yes do I have some fun stories

The year after I graduated, I signed a sublease on an apartment for the summer. I was going to relax, take one fun class, and enjoy my summer break in Blacksburg before starting grad school.

When I signed the sublease, there were two very cute girls living in the apartment's other two bedrooms. I was very excited about my prospects for the summer!

However, when I returned, I was met by a tall, lanky, middle aged redneck. Apparently one girl had decided not to live in Blacksburg for the summer, and the other had rented to "George A"

George A was a nice guy to me - really nice - but he had lived a very colorful life. He'd talk about himself like this "I said to myself I said 'George A, you're gonna pull yo'sef up by yo' bootstraps, you gonna get out of this jail cell and yo' gonna make sumtin o' yo'sef!"

He also whittled bones. He carved a chicken bone into a naked woman and put it on top of our stereo.

When we were watching The Water Dance, he said "Boy, they really sure are naaace to ya in ICU"
Me: "Really, George A? what were you in ICU for?"
George A: "Stab wound"

Then he used to do his Engineering Fundamentals homework on the dining room, shirtless, while drinking a 12 pack of budweiser, cursing about how he didn't know how to do it. He'd get angry with me because I couldn't help him (I was an Econ major - I didn't know squat about engineering).

He didn't eat my food, he kept his place clean, and I never had an argument with him really, but he was quite peculiar!

//He called my girlfriend "yo' ol' ladeh"
 
2012-02-24 10:36:46 AM  

sweetmelissa31: The roommate came home drunk at some time during the night and came into the living room naked at some point after that. She looked around bewildered, and proceeded to fart.


That sounds like just about every man I know
 
2012-02-24 10:38:44 AM  
I have two, but they weren't my roommates, however an ex roommate of mine was involved in both

1) Ex roommate of mine had a suicidal room mate before me. He had a tremendous drinking problem, that was unfortunately exacerbated by female rejection. My roommate came home one night, started cooking a london broil (he loves to cook), about the time the meal was nearly ready he knocked on his roommates door. Of course, no answer. After a while of getting no response, he opens the door, finds his roommate has cut himself and bled to death on his own bed.

2) Neighbor in same apartment building, years later. Suddenly in the middle of the night, there's a girl screaming her lungs out outside her apartment. My roommate at the time (same living roommate from number (1)), goes over and tries to make sense of what's going on. The apartment manager is there, she's trying to calm the girl down, but being completely unsuccessful. My roommate goes into the apartment to see what's going on (he's a bold guy), and sees two asian parents holding their naked daughter, they're trying to get a response out of her, not sure what's going on. My friend can see evidence of hypostasis, she's dead. It turned out the dead girls boyfriend was insane, and strangled/raped her (unknown order) and dumped her in a closet. The roommate who was screaming uncontrollably had the body fall on her as she was helping her parents determine where their daughter was.
 
2012-02-24 10:39:03 AM  
My roommate freshman year of college liked to play video games very late at night/early in the morning. Turns out, I can learn to sleep through loud simulated gunfire.

Then he complained because I opened the blinds at noon - he had only gotten a few hours of sleep by then.
 
2012-02-24 10:42:37 AM  

Queen Mab: ....I came home from work one night to find every flat surface in the living room, dining room, and kitchen covered with guns. There must have been a hundred or more. Big guns, little ones, antique ones, scary military looking guns.....


Yeah, that happened to me as well. Sometimes I'd come home from work on Friday night and it looked like a gun show / beer brewing convention. Luckily my roommate had great taste in beer.
 
2012-02-24 10:44:11 AM  
I had a roommate my sophomore year in the dorms at college. He was a freshman and had just recently discovered the joys of alcohol. He and some friends had a pre-party before going out to one of the greek houses for some party. The story begins for me the next day...

A little after noon my roommate comes staggering back into our room looking like he'd just seen a ghost; his eyes won't focus and he's pale. He barely makes it over to his chair and more or less falls onto it and without exactly looking at anything at all he says "I think I was just raped."

He begins, "Some friends and I were in their room doing some jello shots before we went out to this party. And we get there and I'm already drunk and I start drinking, lots. And this girl comes up to me and she's really nice to me and she keeps bringing me beers. Everybody there keeps telling me not to go home with this girl, but she's being so nice to me."

He goes into some details about who said what, but it's not really important. He continues, "I don't really remember what happened after that. All that I know is that I woke up early this morning and I was naked. And she was naked. But I was too tired to push her off; so I went back to sleep."
 
2012-02-24 10:48:23 AM  
Mr. Right
2012-02-24 07:29:37 AM

How about an anti-crazy roommate? When I was between wives, I had a great roommate. A fellow I met on a job, had just moved into the area and needed a place to live. I had a 4 BR house all to myself so I allowed as how he could rent a room for a nominal fee. All went well until he lost his job - he sadly informed me that he' have to move out - probably go to a homeless shelter. I was working insane hours at the time so I told him that if he'd take care of the house and lawn, he could stay there rent free until he found a job again. This guy kept the house immaculate, the lawn was manicured, gardens weed-free, he even did my laundry and ironed shirts! He was handy enough to fix any housemanship projects that needed attending to. He got up and made breakfast for me every morning before I had to go to work and, when I got home in the evening, he had a Scotch waiting for me and an appetizer while he made dinner. He wasn't the greatest cook in the world but everything he prepared was very edible. On top of that, he never got annoyed when I went out and came home with a woman - he'd even fix her breakfast if she wanted! I can't even express how disappointed I was when he found another job. Then he found a wonderful lady friend and moved in with her. They eventually married. She is smart enough to realize just how lucky she is.


If true, that's actually pretty awesome.
 
2012-02-24 10:50:37 AM  
My mom was bark-at-the-moon crazy, hated me, and was violent to boot, so moving out for college ASAP effectively got rid of the crazy roommate. Anything else after that -- sometimes I was the crazy roommate/housemate, sometimes they were -- was chump change compared to her.

/no, the 'rents didn't pay for college (or anything else after I left home), so I'm not being ungrateful.
//we were both happy with that arrangement
 
2012-02-24 10:52:23 AM  
Ok, I have one. I lived with her for 5 years and had 2 kids with her. Then she f*cked her co-worker, filed for divorce, and abandoned all 3 of us to fly to Alaska with her new f*ck-buddy for 6 months. Then, when she got back, she had the nerve to try to take the kids from me. Fortunately the judge told her to go EABOD. Good times!

//okay, that wasn't so much a roommate as an ex-wife, but we did live together, so I say it counts.
 
2012-02-24 10:52:34 AM  
I had a roommate who got mad cuz somebody broke her picture of a wrestler, so she ground up the broken glass in the carpet in front of my door, so I went after her with a chain. Then she left a well-worn dildo and a bunch of broken dishes when she moved out. Oh, and she would have random dudes over none of us knew. Came home one night to some buck-naked black guy cooking eggs at 3 in the morning in our kitchen. He turned out to be cool, tho a terrible cook.
 
2012-02-24 10:53:08 AM  

ChuDogg: Mr. Right
2012-02-24 07:29:37 AM

How about an anti-crazy roommate? When I was between wives, I had a great roommate. A fellow I met on a job, had just moved into the area and needed a place to live. I had a 4 BR house all to myself so I allowed as how he could rent a room for a nominal fee. All went well until he lost his job - he sadly informed me that he' have to move out - probably go to a homeless shelter. I was working insane hours at the time so I told him that if he'd take care of the house and lawn, he could stay there rent free until he found a job again. This guy kept the house immaculate, the lawn was manicured, gardens weed-free, he even did my laundry and ironed shirts! He was handy enough to fix any housemanship projects that needed attending to. He got up and made breakfast for me every morning before I had to go to work and, when I got home in the evening, he had a Scotch waiting for me and an appetizer while he made dinner. He wasn't the greatest cook in the world but everything he prepared was very edible. On top of that, he never got annoyed when I went out and came home with a woman - he'd even fix her breakfast if she wanted! I can't even express how disappointed I was when he found another job. Then he found a wonderful lady friend and moved in with her. They eventually married. She is smart enough to realize just how lucky she is.

If true, that's actually pretty awesome.


Hell, I'd have married him myself!
 
2012-02-24 10:53:21 AM  

Big Man On Campus: however an ex roommate of mine was involved in both


Jesus, that guy has terrible luck.
 
2012-02-24 10:55:36 AM  
I lived with a crazy closeted lesbian "I'm a vegetarian that eats fish" type for a few months during an internship.... biatch was crazy as hell. I was confined to my room because she wouldn't even let me sit on her couch.

One day I was late for work so I left my cereal bowl and cup in the sink instead of washing it right away (the dishwasher was rendered unusable since she would put plates with whole leaves of lettuce and whatnot in it, then complained that all it did was "blow dirt around"). I came home from work to find the dirty bowl and cup in my bed.

I got my revenge when I had a guy over one evening. She was at work so he came over for us to go swim in the building's pool. Had him leave his underwear on her precious couch. She lost her shiat at me. Bwahahaha.

We suspected that she had mercury poisoning from all the canned salmon and tuna she ate.
 
2012-02-24 10:58:54 AM  
Ah yes... Little Miss Homeschool, a friend of my ex's. She never, ever cleaned up after herself. She rarely cooked, and then only for herself, but she certainly insisted on eating when I cooked or we ordered out. She got fired from at least four jobs that I know of because "the manager said I couldn't answer my cell while I'm working, fark that, I pay the bill, I have the right to answer my phone when I damn well please", and Mom & Dad paid her share of the bills most months. Then she moved in her filthy nasty, showered once a week if that, underage boyfriend whose parents threw him out.

One incident that sticks in mind was when they went on a weekend camping trip. They came home and left their cooler, still full of food, sitting in the living room. Two weeks later, the cooler (now full of gross moldy food) was still sitting there. Gave them two days' warning to do something with the damn cooler or I was tossing it in the dumpster. They didn't, so I did - and she threw a hissy fit because I threw out a "perfectly good cooler".

Things got more and more hostile until they finally moved out. They'd scheduled their move for the same day I was supposed to go back to work after being on maternity leave, and a week or so beforehand we caught them bragging to neighbors about how they were waiting for me to go back to work to move out because they were going to steal everything they could carry when they did. Confronted them the next day and informed them that I was going to be staying home after all, I was going to watch them when they moved and make sure none of our property was removed, and if anything turned up missing, charges would be filed.

Her mature and reasoned response to this? "Yeah well my little sister is cuter than your baby anyway!" before she stomped off in a huff, and Mommy and Daddy moved her out the very next day.

farking psychopath. This is why I will never, EVER have a roommate again.
 
2012-02-24 10:59:34 AM  
I think I'm the crazy roommate in most cases, but there are two exceptions.

One: The roommate asked me to get a new set of batteries for her and her daughter's vibrators. I didn't ask if they shared.

Two: Another roomie tried luring wild animals into my house, and actually succeeded with a raccoon. We soon parted ways.
 
2012-02-24 11:02:56 AM  

moothemagiccow: Roommate played:
Collective Soul - December
Powderfinger - My Happiness
and some "everything" song I can't name
Over and over. He complained that before the roommate before me left, roommate played the same three songs over and over. I really think he had no idea he was doing it. He just loved those songs. He would sing along poorly when I was wearing headphones like I was directing air traffic or something.

He would do that thing where he's behind you in the hall and he doesn't say anything and then when you get to your door he stops with you (and starts laughing). It was cute the first couple times. He did it all the time.

All he talked about was going back to Japan. He longed for it. He didn't speak Japanese (I asked), he grew up on a US military base.


And did you ever have one that would come in laughing with his friends at 1 in the afternoon when you would just be waking up?

\Always nice to read your posts!!
\\"But they didn't have sex or anything"
 
2012-02-24 11:04:28 AM  
Although this isn't as bad as some of the stories I read here, I thought I would add mine:

Had a roommate that would tape the TV show "Wings" and watch it over and over throughout the day. He'd bust out laughing at every joke like it was the first time he heard it.

He'd do the same with the "You might be a redneck if..." video. I still can't stand Jeff Foxworthy to this day because of it.

/Helen Chappel was still hot, though
 
2012-02-24 11:07:28 AM  
Two...one was mine and the other was a story from a guy I worked with.

Mine-

my apartment mate has the master bedroom and mine is the one on the other side of his closet. he keeps his closets open and just piles his stuff in there. he sleeps on a rollaway bed because he doesn't come from a family that has money (all disability and unemployment). another apartment mate has a friend come down for he weekend (a girl who is loud and fat, and is a horrible cook and ruined my teflon pan by cooking refried beans in it and scrapping it out with a metal spoon).

well, the guy in the master bedroom and the fat girl decide to hook up and become boyfriend/girlfriend. one night i am trying to sleep and i hear grunting thru the wall and then i hear 'damnit -insert name here-, not again. can't you last more than 37 seconds'. they broke up not too long after. she was psycho in other ways but i still chuckle at the way she said it.


the guy i worked with from 1992 or 93-

he (tom) shared a townhouse with two other guys (who i didn't know). the two other guys liked to drink and smoke the mary-jane. well, they also liked to shoot a 22 in their basement. they had put up phone books (stealing them when the phone company put them out) and an old mattress at one end. one day they were drunk and high and were wondering what it was like to be shot. so they agreed that they would shoot each other thru the bicep. so drunk and high roommate number one puts the gun up against the bicep and shoots. roommate two drops like a rock and is in such pain and agony. he goes up the stairs and calls 911 for an ambulance. roommate one feels bad that he did it so he puts the gun to his own bicep and shoots himself. evidently he felt bad because the other guy couldn't do it now and they had made a deal.

i chuckle everytime i think about that story or hear the words drunk and high.
 
2012-02-24 11:12:19 AM  

dj_spanmaster: I think I'm the crazy roommate in most cases, but there are two exceptions.

One: The roommate asked me to get a new set of batteries for her and her daughter's vibrators. I didn't ask if they shared.

Two: Another roomie tried luring wild animals into my house, and actually succeeded with a raccoon. We soon parted ways.


I should add that the daughter was 12. WTF is a 12 year old doing with a vibrator?
 
2012-02-24 11:14:45 AM  
The Navy graciously gifted me with a variety of unpleasant roomies while I was in the service. Here is another one:

One night in a foreign port, the Divisional Leading Petty Officer (LPO) came back aboard around 1AM, stinking drunk. He wandered into the berthing compartment (our compartment had about thirty people, and most of us kept our boots on the deck next to the three-high bunkbeds we called "racks"), peed into a bunch of peoples' shoes, tried to light several rack curtains on fire with a lighter (each rack had dark curtains we could pull closed to provide some darkness so we could sleep when the compartment lights were on- a frequent occurrence if you had to stand watch late at night), and generally was an obnoxious ass-hat loudly enough to wake up several people who were trying to sleep before going on the 0400-0800 watch (like me).

After pissing off just about everyone, our hero stumbled out of the compartment and went down a couple of decks to his shop, where he proceeded to pass out in a chair. A few people from the Division decided that punishment was due, and took action. Some person or persons unknown had jimmied the lock to the Paint Locker and painted the LPO blue. Solid blue, from head to toe.

This retribution happened while I was on watch in Damage Control (DC) Central, so the first I knew about it was the incoherent phone call at around 0500 from the LPO drunkenly demanding that I get the whole Division up and muster them in the DC shop. At some point during the still-drunk LPO's tirade, the Chief walked in and told him to STFU, because any "investigation" of the incident would start with the LPO's behavior after he returned to the ship.

A couple of sailors were detailed to clean up the paint and return the unused paint to the Paint Locker. The LPO was quietly transferred to another command within a week. No one was officially punished for the blue paint incident.

TL:DR version- drunk sailor abuses shipmates before passing out, wakes up painted blue.
 
2012-02-24 11:20:48 AM  
So many female farkers posting in this thread. Women sure can keep a grudge.

Let's see, my terrible roommates. The Mexican in college that smoked heroin in the dorm room? Actually he was pretty great other than the heroin. That's pretty much it, I guess! Everyone has quirks but they're pretty easy to overlook.
 
2012-02-24 11:21:01 AM  
One of my suitemates during my freshman year of college was a huge Sailor Moon fan. He had dolls, posters and even a damned Sailor Moon clock. We tried being nice to him, but he was just plain weird. My roommate and I held a small party after midterms, and he responded by telling the resident director and my roommate and I ended up being cited for underage drinking and we later lost our licenses. Bastard.

After moving into my apartment during my senior year, my roommates and I found a bike that the previous tenant had left behind when he went back home to China. I figured that we should just sell it and use the money for booze, but my roommate got toasted with some of his friends and decided the best course of action would be to take the bike outside and smash it against the wooden supports for the upstairs apartment's balcony. I came home from the bars to find the mangled bicycle on the ground under the now obviously listing balcony, and entered the apartment to find several holes in the wall made by my roommate's fists. I seriously thought that we would be evicted before the semester even began.

He had a bit of a drinking problem.
 
2012-02-24 11:21:22 AM  
ProTip: If you don't have a crazy roommate story, you're the crazy roommate.
 
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