You go to hell. you go to hell and you die.

/Could feel my brain trying to escape out my ear ten minutes into the first one and gave up.

Prime? I'm pretty farking far from prime.

Not even Rifftrax could make the third one watchable.

TRANSFORMERS! The story of some douchebag guy and his douchebag life. Oh, also there will occasionally be transformers in the movie.

Porn?

FTFA: This was a time, remember, before Shia LaBeouf had business cards made up with the words "Franchise Killer" printed in italics under his name in 11 point type.

I would have so, so much more respect for Mr. The Beef if he actually had this done.

I consider this worth it just to watch the butthurt farkers post flurries of "Ass: The Movie" pics.

Sorry, people. This franchise is just bad movies, not a sign of the collapse of American Culture. There has always been an audience for Monster Truck Demolition Derbies, which is all these movies are.

To hell with the humans.

How about an hour and a half of robots turning into cars, dinosaurs and construction equipment turning into robots, and all of the above beating the crap out of each other?

Agarista: To hell with the humans.

How about an hour and a half of robots turning into cars, dinosaurs and construction equipment turning into robots, and all of the above beating the crap out of each other?

That's what everyone wanted from a transformers movie, instead we got "Two wooden actors no one cares about, and their love story, and random comic relief from the parents cause 'Old people are so embarassing and funny'."

Just add more baysplosions!!!!

Honestly, it needs to be Unicron. With Megatron and Sentinel Prime being resurrected and merged into Galvatron by either Unicron or some agent of his (so we can get Nimoy reprising the role). Also, have Unicron house a power source that acts like the Allspark so that once he's defeated, all the transformers can leave Earth for Cybertron to bring it back to life.

Then 5 can be set solely on Cybertron because Unicron's power source is evil and corrupts Cybertron into Unicron version 2.0. And since we are on Cybertron, no annoying humans.

The first two were horrid, the last one was OK, though I waited in vain for She-a Labia-boof to be disintegrated into a pile of bones (which I thought was a cool effect).

The other thing that annoyed the hell out of me were the "overly done" CGI effects in these movies, where during transformation you saw thousands of little shiny pieces in movement - allot of unnecessary motion. Having played countless hours with transformers as a kid, I really expected to see parts move in logical efficient lock steps as opposed to exposed gears (obvious exposed weak points), unnecessary slow motion, and shiny tin foil pieces fluttering in the breeze like Megan's panties.

Honest Bender: Not even Rifftrax could make the third one watchable.

TRANSFORMERS! The story of some douchebag guy and his douchebag life. Oh, also there will occasionally be transformers in the movie.

I actually fell asleep during the RiffTrax of the third movie. In the middle of all those exploding robots and whatnot. FELL. ASLEEP.

Knew it was crap from the get-go when Bumblebee was a camaro and not a VW bug.

Off the Bridge of Khazad-dûm into the depths of the world.

2CountyFairs: Honestly, it needs to be Unicron. With Megatron and Sentinel Prime being resurrected and merged into Galvatron by either Unicron or some agent of his (so we can get Nimoy reprising the role). Also, have Unicron house a power source that acts like the Allspark so that once he's defeated, all the transformers can leave Earth for Cybertron to bring it back to life.

Then 5 can be set solely on Cybertron because Unicron's power source is evil and corrupts Cybertron into Unicron version 2.0. And since we are on Cybertron, no annoying humans.

I would like to subscribe to your newsletter. Do you need a storyboard inker?

GeekTheMighty: FTFA: This was a time, remember, before Shia LaBeouf had business cards made up with the words "Franchise Killer" printed in italics under his name in 11 point type.

I would have so, so much more respect for Mr. The Beef if he actually had this done.

That would mean Shia LaBeouf has a sense of humor. Every interview of his I've read indicates he's a humorless asshole Douchy McDouchebreath.

mr.doctor: Off the Bridge of Khazad-dûm into the depths of the world.

Off the Bridge of Khazad-dûm and into the depths of the world.

Sorry for the sentence screw-up. I need some more coffee today.

Hey at one point I had potential too. shiat doesn't always work out.

CUZN_Ovoids: The first two were horrid, the last one was OK, though I waited in vain for She-a Labia-boof to be disintegrated into a pile of bones (which I thought was a cool effect).

The other thing that annoyed the hell out of me were the "overly done" CGI effects in these movies, where during transformation you saw thousands of little shiny pieces in movement - allot of unnecessary motion. Having played countless hours with transformers as a kid, I really expected to see parts move in logical efficient lock steps as opposed to exposed gears (obvious exposed weak points), unnecessary slow motion, and shiny tin foil pieces fluttering in the breeze like Megan's panties.


THIS. Thank you.

shiatty plot and acting aside, that which is supposed to be a strength of the movies -- the actual transformers -- is the worst thing. The transforming is so busy that it just looks like a ticker tape parade, and bay is so impressed with the detail, the fast action scenes are shot so close to the transformers that you cant see what's happening.

Bay's take on Transformers:



"Look how awesome the forest is!"

The recidivism rate of childhood raping is unacceptable. An example needs to be made of Michael Bay. I propose we blow him up.

Reboot with a new director who'll be faithful to the G1 story.

Oh, and have Transformers who don't look like walking piles of garbage and who actually have faces and personalities.

And set the damn thing in the early-to-mid eighties.

gunga galunga: GeekTheMighty: FTFA: This was a time, remember, before Shia LaBeouf had business cards made up with the words "Franchise Killer" printed in italics under his name in 11 point type.

I would have so, so much more respect for Mr. The Beef if he actually had this done.

That would mean Shia LaBeouf has a sense of humor. Every interview of his I've read indicates he's a humorless asshole Douchy McDouchebreath.

LaBiff was on Leno a couple of years ago flogging the second movie (which I haven't seen nor the third, since the first one was unwatchable garbage and why would anyone do that?) LeBoof was obviously unhappy to be there because he knew it was crap and when Leno asked him what the clip was about he said, "A whole lotta bang-bang, I guess."

What the franchise *really* needs is a reboot... with an opening scene of a Michael Bay type filming an explosion for some stupid movie, then being surprised when it's a lot larger than he expected (a Decepticon attack), ending with the scene showing his untimely death and the original Transformers movie soundtrack.

That opening scene alone would probably gross the studio a few billion dollars. - I know I'd throw an extra $20 bucks at them.

Xenomech: Reboot with a new director who'll be faithful to the G1 story.

Oh, and have Transformers who don't look like walking piles of garbage and who actually have faces and personalities.

And set the damn thing in the early-to-mid eighties.


Mid eighties reminded me. How cool would a retouching of Maximum Overdrive be?

I grew up with hideous special effects in the movies, crappy two-dimensional cartoons, and now have two boys who really enjoy going to blow-em-up movies with me.

I thought they were fun and have watched them many times at home.

/Sometimes people forget these are silly movies with cool graphics based on crappy cartoons and nifty, but outdated, toys--not Shakespearean epics.

The best point that I heard about why Dark of the Moon was at least watchable:

3D requires 3 second shots so that the human mind can register it. Therefore, Michael Bay wasn't able to use his trademark "Parkinson's cam with ADD editing" style of filming, therefore at least making the action enjoyable to watch.

/loved the car chase

No worries, Michael Bay has a NEW franchise to cock up!

Since he's going to be producing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot movie. (new window)

quoinguy: I grew up with hideous special effects in the movies, crappy two-dimensional cartoons, and now have two boys who really enjoy going to blow-em-up movies with me.

I thought they were fun and have watched them many times at home.

/Sometimes people forget these are silly movies with cool graphics based on crappy cartoons and nifty, but outdated, toys--not Shakespearean epics.

Kids these days! You don't need all kinds of CGI to make a silly, blow-em-up movie. In my day we had Cobra, Commando, and Missing in Action... AND WE LIKED IT!

Came for pics of Megan fox or the chick with 3 names from the third one...leaving with blue balls.

How does Shia LaBeouf keep finding work?

"Into the ground" was the first answer that popped into my head, but I guess it's already gotten there anyway.

Felgraf: No worries, Michael Bay has a NEW franchise to cock up!

Since he's going to be producing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot movie. (new window)

WTF. That's it, he's not ruining my childhood. I'm declaring fatwa or jihad or whateverthefark it's called on his ass. Never really cared about Transformers, but don't mess with TMNT.

Langdon Alger: Knew it was crap from the get-go when Bumblebee was a camaro and not a VW bug.

I believe that was VW's fault. They didnt want their car being associated with the movie like that. So they had to change him to a Camaro. The original idea was to have Bumblebee be a VW Bug.

Woo hoo! Internet film experts ASSEMBLE!!!

quoinguy: I grew up with hideous special effects in the movies, crappy two-dimensional cartoons, and now have two boys who really enjoy going to blow-em-up movies with me.

I thought they were fun and have watched them many times at home.

/Sometimes people forget these are silly movies with cool graphics based on crappy cartoons and nifty, but outdated, toys--not Shakespearean epics.

Uh, that's what most people wanted, instead we got unwatchable crap with shiatty storylines and not enough robots.

yves0010: Langdon Alger: Knew it was crap from the get-go when Bumblebee was a camaro and not a VW bug.

I believe that was VW's fault. They didnt want their car being associated with the movie like that. So they had to change him to a Camaro. The original idea was to have Bumblebee be a VW Bug.

I'd wager that the original idea was to shop the concept around and take the highest product placement bid they could get.

I miss the days of the original metal transformer toys and cartoon

2CountyFairs: Honestly, it needs to be Unicron. With Megatron and Sentinel Prime being resurrected and merged into Galvatron by either Unicron or some agent of his (so we can get Nimoy reprising the role). Also, have Unicron house a power source that acts like the Allspark so that once he's defeated, all the transformers can leave Earth for Cybertron to bring it back to life.

Then 5 can be set solely on Cybertron because Unicron's power source is evil and corrupts Cybertron into Unicron version 2.0. And since we are on Cybertron, no annoying humans.



I don't understand a word you just said.

I think everything I came here to say has been said. Except that Megan Fox taking her breasts out would have improved the movies considerably.

Rapmaster2000: I'd wager that the original idea was to shop the concept around and take the highest product placement bid they could get.

Jake Havechek: How does Shia LaBeouf keep finding work?

...sold his soul to the devil Disney....

I'm hardly going to defend the merits of the Transformers movies, but I just gotta say:

How much is appropriate to EXPECT out of a movie based on a children's cartoon about transforming robots invented primarily to sell the line of robot toys? The bad guys have no ideology and seem to do bad things for no logical reason, and the driving purpose of many of the "plots" was to collect Energon Cubes, which are somehow glowing robot fuel but IIRC strangely made by humans and... get Decepticons drunk, but not Autobots. And are strangely depicted far too large to be a robot consumable.

With all due respect to childhood nostalgia, the original basis is shiatty as hell. This presents considerable problems in trying to make any kind of suitable plot of it without abandoning all sense of being true to the original.

litespeed74: Porn?

Transwhorers. More than meats the eye

Oznog: How much is appropriate to EXPECT out of a movie based on a children's cartoon about transforming robots invented primarily to sell the line of robot toys

Something involving the robots fighting and not a budget-saving story between two kids who cant act. We covered this further upthread.

Just came in to compliment the submitter. Nicely done.