When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

/truly an inspired thinker

S M R T!

Belly button going from innie to outie

Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is...never try.

First you didn't want me to buy the horse, and now you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!

Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk.

Listen here boy, if you want to win a fight cower in fear, and when he turns his back in disgust, that's when it's time to kick some back.

Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Homer no function beer well without.

"I'm not NOT licking toads..."

Recommended reading for anyone interested in the subject:

No beer and no TV make JasonOfOrillia something something.

Baryogenesis: When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

/truly an inspired thinker

Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

JasonOfOrillia: No beer and no TV make JasonOfOrillia something something.

Go crazy?

Aw, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without you?

Ramien: JasonOfOrillia: No beer and no TV make JasonOfOrillia something something.

Go crazy?

Don't mind if I do! Blarfggaghrhaogr!!!

Brxa: Ramien: JasonOfOrillia: No beer and no TV make JasonOfOrillia something something.

Go crazy?

Don't mind if I do! Blarfggaghrhaogr!!!

I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!

JasonOfOrillia: Brxa: Ramien: JasonOfOrillia: No beer and no TV make JasonOfOrillia something something.

Go crazy?

Don't mind if I do! Blarfggaghrhaogr!!!

I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!

DAVVVIIDDDDDD LETTTERRRMANNNNN

Of course everything seems bad if you remember it

Alright, I'll contribute:

If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.

Books are useless! I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird," and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds. Sure, it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin...but what good does that do me?

You don't win friends with salad.

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Maybe it's the beer talking, Marge, butt you've got a but that won't quit. They've got these big chewy pretzels that aarfggaghrhaogr beer hrhaogr twenty dollars? Get out of here.

The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Hmm, wait a minute... Statue of Liberty... THAT WAS *OUR* PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

Pepi: "Homer, you are so learned."

Homer: "That's lernd, Pepsi, lernd."

/kills me every time

Don't touch anything?! I'll touch whatever I feel like!

Bith Set Me Up: Don't touch anything?! I'll touch whatever I feel like!

Stupid bug! You go squish now!

Why do you need new bands? Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974. It's a scientific fact.

Son, when a woman says nothing's wrong, it means everything's wrong. When a woman says everything's wrong, it means everything's wrong. And when a woman says that something *isn't* funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!

"I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here."

lakrfool: "I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here."

Doh!

It's everybody's fault but mine
Trying is the first step toward failure

Animals are crapping in our houses, and we're picking it up! Did we lose a war?! That's not America! That's not even Mexico!

Come on Barney, you have to be sober to fly a helicopter, it isn't like driving a ar.

"Dear Homer, I.O.U. one emergency donut. Signed, Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead!

You chose fruit.....live with it.

eum? Nothing good ever rhymes with eum. The good things rhyme with teria... (I know, not an exact quote.)

But he doesn't even believe in Jeebus!

"Son, if you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

16 Writers used for every episode

Might be a clue as to why.

/all of us are smarter can drink more beer than one of us