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(Fox 40 Sacramento)   Now that gay marriage is legal in California, the state's Health Department thought it was necessary to print a "how to have gay sex" manual   (fox40.com) divider line 210
    More: Amusing, health department, sex life, c-words, live better, sex positions  
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10376 clicks; posted to Main » on 10 Feb 2012 at 2:48 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-02-10 03:09:57 PM

DirkTheDaring: Paging Ghastly to thread 6934198.

Everything you never wanted to know about gay sex, but were afraid to not ask.


Sure, why not?
 
2012-02-10 03:10:04 PM
This is why California is broke. The state spends money on stupid shiat that isn't necessary. Here's a hint. If someone is interested in gay sex, they'll figure it out eventually.
 
2012-02-10 03:10:36 PM

thismomentinblackhistory: 4. You need good lube, not the shiat they sell straight people at WalMart. Go to the adult book store and get something really nice, like Gun Oil. Not all lubes are condom friendly depending on whether or not you are fluid bonded w/someone.


Yes, I know this is a fark thread and everything, but since this step is important in the "could save lives"-type of what, let me spell this out for anyone who might be needing the info:
4a. Basically and condom you will buy is made of latex. (No, not the typesetting program, that would be "LaTeX".)
4b. As long as you go with lube that's either water based or silicone based he lube will not hurt the condom.
4c. Fat-based lube will eat away at the condom.
4d. Do not put lube inside the condom.
4e. Wear exactly one condom (at a time) while topping, double condoms will increase the risk of them breaking each other.

/You are welcome
 
2012-02-10 03:12:15 PM

Diogenes: You've been a catcher? You might find that advice a bit more sage if you've ever had to bite the pillow.


Hint for the ladies. Fingernails hurt, trim them before rooting around for the prostate.

DirkTheDaring: Paging Ghastly to thread 6934198.

Everything you never wanted to know about gay sex, but were afraid to not ask.


Why did you do that? He makes me feel less hetero-normative on a regular basis.
 
2012-02-10 03:15:02 PM

Diogenes: Lane83: Diogenes: thismomentinblackhistory: You, Too, Can Be a Buttfarker
by: thismomentinblackhistory

You really hurt our recruitment efforts when you demystify our habits like that.

Ahem.

We straights often like to buttsex too. We are aware of the... logistical concerns... in this regard.

You sodomites don't have a monopoly on sodomy.

You've been a catcher? You might find that advice a bit more sage if you've ever had to bite the pillow.

I'm speculating, of course.

Or possibly speculumating.


No. I have considered pegging, but do not derive erotic pleasure from such thoughts. Plenty of straight guys do, however.
 
2012-02-10 03:18:48 PM

knightofargh: Why did you do that?


I didn't get a Friday Boobies thread. So now I'm up to hi-jinks and what-not.
 
2012-02-10 03:19:17 PM
Republican / Fundie Freakout in 3...... 2...... 1........
 
2012-02-10 03:20:18 PM
 
2012-02-10 03:21:13 PM

DirkTheDaring: knightofargh: Why did you do that?

I didn't get a Friday Boobies thread. So now I'm up to hi-jinks and what-not.


The term is shenanigans Dirk. And yours are technically comical and endearing.
 
2012-02-10 03:21:39 PM

puddleonfire: Republican / Fundie Freakout in 3...... 2...... 1........


Uhh, the article itself is a fundie freak-out.

Albeit a minor one so far
 
2012-02-10 03:22:04 PM

Lane83: No. I have considered pegging, but do not derive erotic pleasure from such thoughts. Plenty of straight guys do, however.


If I were straight, I don't know how I could ask a woman to do that. Unless her name is Mistress Portia or something, and then it's kind of a moot point.
 
2012-02-10 03:23:22 PM
I got me a man, he's as big as a bear, and we're headin' on down
To the Lube Step
I got me some oil, it lubes about 20,
So come on and bring your bathhouse money!

The Lube Step is a little old place where we can pump each other,
Lube Step baby, Lube Step bay-bee.
 
2012-02-10 03:24:03 PM
I have a feeling somebody who doesn't like gays made this and it is going to be pinned on them and their sexually over active nature.
 
2012-02-10 03:24:05 PM

thismomentinblackhistory: You, Too, Can Be a Buttfarker
by: thismomentinblackhistory

1. Have a sense of humor. You know how Christian's argue that homosexuality is an affront to nature? Well gay sex is an affront of bodily functions and physics. Your bodies were not designed for this.

2. Upon deciding to have anal sex, you have agreed to live your life as a member of a group of people who have multiple definitions of the word "shower." Sometimes called the 'gay' shower or the 'bottom' shower, you will find yourself showering more surface area of skin than you knew existed.

3. While yes, Virginia, there are bottoms and tops, there are many more "versatile" or "switch-hitting" gay man. This is what you should aspired to be. Who tops and who bottoms isn't determined by sexual desire so much as who had what for lunch. Don't feel like bottoming? Indian buffet. Congrats: you top tonight.

4. You need good lube, not the shiat they sell straight people at WalMart. Go to the adult book store and get something really nice, like Gun Oil. Not all lubes are condom friendly depending on whether or not you are fluid bonded w/someone.

5. It's best for the bottom to start "on top" by lowering himself onto his partner. Once a level of comfort is achieved, other positions can be tried.

6. Sex in public is a lot easier since you're both supposed to be in the same restroom, but the consequences are usually worse if you are caught in the car.

7. Santorum is real. It's not as prevalent a problem as the Internet might let you believe, but it happens. Upon finishing, you need to clean up -- though nearly 99% of the time, you have absolutely nothing to worry about as long as you are taking a proper gay shower.

8. You do not need to cuddle afterwards. You can seriously go straight back to playing X-Box until you want to fark some more. Anal sex is probably the least intimate thing gay men do together.

9. Never be afraid to abort the mission (for a host of reasons). You're already having 5x the sex a straight m ...


No mention of Colt's Anal Douche? Now in regular and sugar free.
 
2012-02-10 03:24:34 PM
Everybody, buy stock in Anal Lube. We're going to have buttsecks tonight!
 
2012-02-10 03:24:46 PM
This thread is like a scary movie. Why do I *want* to be horrified?
 
2012-02-10 03:26:12 PM

Diogenes: If I were straight, I don't know how I could ask a woman to do that. Unless her name is Mistress Portia or something, and then it's kind of a moot point.


Us straight guys usually just ask. Assuming our spouse or significant other is "GGG". If not, you leave her and replace her with a better girl. On the fetish/kink spectrum that one isn't more than a standard deviation from the middle.

Speaking of sex, since the Fark Gay Mafia™ is here, what's the recommended silicone lubricant these days. The water based stuff tends to absorb too rapidly into Mrs. Argh's nethers. And when us hetero types need a personal lubricant, we really need one.
 
2012-02-10 03:26:56 PM
Dear State of California,

Please send me one of them there gay sex manuals.

Love,
Rick Santorum
 
2012-02-10 03:27:05 PM
How do gay people, "get it in there"?

I mean the way the hole works its almost impossible to get something in there from that end.
Also how do keep from having feces come out? Does it bleed? Always been a little curious about that.
 
2012-02-10 03:27:22 PM

lennavan: ArkAngel: How to have gay sex:

Step 1: Be gay
Step 2: Find other man
Step 3: Locate useable hole
Step 4: Insert penis

Congratulations! You are now having gay sex

What if you are a gay female?


Not an issue because of Lesbian Bed Death. When I first heard the term I thought it was some kind of Lesbian hospice organization. Now I know it's not only a cool name for a band, but a tragic unsexing of the Lesbian couple, once all moved in, cats purchased, power-tools divided up, etc.
 
2012-02-10 03:27:41 PM
anatomically correct male stick figures

I have trouble with just this concept, but have to wonder about the corresponding lesbian booklet's stick figures.
 
2012-02-10 03:28:02 PM

chaosweaver: Bang, bang, bang- his back door, baby


Yeah my mind went there too, the first time I heard that song.

/Especially how he lisps/sings it
//He was batting for the other team, yes?
 
2012-02-10 03:28:12 PM
What are "anatomically correct stick figures"?

pics.blameitonthevoices.com
 
2012-02-10 03:28:48 PM

Diogenes: Lane83: No. I have considered pegging, but do not derive erotic pleasure from such thoughts. Plenty of straight guys do, however.

If I were straight, I don't know how I could ask a woman to do that. Unless her name is Mistress Portia or something, and then it's kind of a moot point.


Well, you could play the sensitive type. You want to know how it feels for you so you're a better anal sex lover for her. Or you could tell her you read about this prostate thing that supposedly feels pretty good when stimulated.

Hehe yeah I know I have no idea either.
 
2012-02-10 03:29:26 PM

ArkAngel: How to have gay sex:

Step 1: Be gay
Step 2: Find other man
Step 3: Locate useable hole
Step 4: Insert penis

Congratulations! You are now having gay sex


is an armpit really a hole? isnt it more of a dip?
 
2012-02-10 03:30:14 PM
That's silly. What does sex have to do with marriage?

And besides, they should have created the gay sex manual years ago to deal with HIV and STD prevention. It's too damn late for a sex manual after the honey moon.
 
2012-02-10 03:30:57 PM

Pocket Ninja: "It's almost like a how to manual to have gay sex," he says.

It's been my general experience in life that when people insert the word "almost" into a comparison between two objects, the basic take-away should be that the two objects are actually not at all similar in any way.


"He looks almost like you." Is generally followed by: But his hair is black, he is shorter, skinner, and is Asian instead of white. Oh and he is missing three fingers on his right hand. Yeah that sounds just like me.
 
2012-02-10 03:31:33 PM
"Now the print job is in a holding pattern". over Olympia.

Was that a deliberate reference to fellatio or was it only me?
 
2012-02-10 03:32:36 PM

Marcus Aurelius: "The language used: they're usingthe F-word, you know? And male sex organs using the C-word and the D-word," the man said

Golly gee!


NOT THE C-WORD AND THE D-WORD! MY GOD!
 
2012-02-10 03:33:27 PM
Updating the Christian Sex Manual: For Married Heterosexuals Only:

Cross your legs, think of Jesus, and pray!

becomes

Crossing your legs! It does nothing! Pray for your damned souls, sinners!

That's it. The whole manual. Twice as long in the gay version, you'll note.
 
2012-02-10 03:34:22 PM
Is Santorum in the glossary?
 
2012-02-10 03:34:38 PM

knightofargh: Speaking of sex, since the Fark Gay Mafia™ is here, what's the recommended silicone lubricant these days. The water based stuff tends to absorb too rapidly into Mrs. Argh's nethers. And when us hetero types need a personal lubricant, we really need one.


I highly recommend Gun Oil Silicone Personal Lubricant. It comes in a brown bottle (the blue one is water based). Gun Oil was developed by gay veterans from either Desert Storm or the Gulf War -- I'd have to look it up but I'm at work.

A big bottle runs between $20-$30 so you should try to small bottle first to see if you like it. You'll find a little goes a long way. It's not sticky or goopy and when the deed is done, you don't find traces of it hours later.
 
2012-02-10 03:35:34 PM

Oznog: [o.onionstatic.com image 635x345]
Dry Humping An Adequate Sex Alternative For Teens, Says Weird, Unsolicited Report From Department Of Interior (new window)


Interesting that the non-penetrative approach is being suggested by Interior.
 
2012-02-10 03:35:39 PM
If that manual doesn't start with the words, "Get two girls..." I ain't reading it.


/NTTAWWT
 
2012-02-10 03:36:09 PM

knightofargh: DirkTheDaring: knightofargh: Why did you do that?

I didn't get a Friday Boobies thread. So now I'm up to hi-jinks and what-not.

The term is shenanigans Dirk. And yours are technically comical and endearing.


While Farva's shenanigans are cruel and tragic.
 
2012-02-10 03:36:41 PM
I get the C-word with reference to male sex organs, but what is the D-word? Dingle-Danglies?
 
2012-02-10 03:38:23 PM
"If you get Santorum all over your furniture go back to page one and start over."
 
2012-02-10 03:38:49 PM

thismomentinblackhistory: I highly recommend Gun Oil Silicone Personal Lubricant. It comes in a brown bottle (the blue one is water based). Gun Oil was developed by gay veterans from either Desert Storm or the Gulf War -- I'd have to look it up but I'm at work.


Thanks. We'll give it a shot (no pun). Currently finishing a bottle of garbage water based crap marketed to hetero couples. I can vouch that it sucks.

Interestingly the mass market version of what we're using is different then the non-mass market version of the same product that I used 8 years prior.
 
2012-02-10 03:39:44 PM
I bet the manual goes zero into fore-play.
 
2012-02-10 03:40:34 PM

DirkTheDaring: While Farva's shenanigans are cruel and tragic.


Precisely. Did you miss the burlesque and lacy underthing threads from yesterday? I didn't see you adding flair.
 
2012-02-10 03:43:33 PM

Kazrath: Pocket Ninja: "It's almost like a how to manual to have gay sex," he says.

It's been my general experience in life that when people insert the word "almost" into a comparison between two objects, the basic take-away should be that the two objects are actually not at all similar in any way.

"He looks almost like you." Is generally followed by: But his hair is black, he is shorter, skinner, and is Asian instead of white. Oh and he is missing three fingers on his right hand. Yeah that sounds just like me.



"He looks almost like you, but his hair is black, he is shorter, skinnier, and he is Asian instead of white" is generally followed by: "But I swear, honey, he's your son."
 
2012-02-10 03:44:06 PM

brantgoose: That's silly. What does sex have to do with marriage?

And besides, they should have created the gay sex manual years ago to deal with HIV and STD prevention. It's too damn late for a sex manual after the honey moon.


Is this a "tap that sweet ass" joke?
 
2012-02-10 03:45:59 PM

Marcus Aurelius: "The language used: they're usingthe F-word, you know? And male sex organs using the C-word and the D-word," the man said

Golly gee!


Yes, in a state-issued "health" pamphlet, this is totally uncalled for. There is no justification for this, and I bet a real investigation will find out that it's someone with an anti-gay agenda who plans to go public with the "scandal" as soon as they are printed... 'See what happens when you allow the Gays to marry? Now we don't just have a gay sex how-to manual, but it's put out by the STATE!!! Told you this would happen!', something like that. It's a poorly executed setup by someone placed decently high in gov't.
 
2012-02-10 03:49:46 PM
revo-emag.com
 
2012-02-10 03:50:59 PM

FurbyGoneFubar: 4a. Basically and condom you will buy is made of latex. (No, not the typesetting program, that would be "LaTeX".)


And if they did make a condom out of LaTeX it would be the best looking one out there, but take hours to make and several minutes to put on. Good luck keeping your hard-on through all that.
 
2012-02-10 03:51:50 PM
Penis goes where there and there! ?
 
2012-02-10 03:52:16 PM

thismomentinblackhistory: You, Too, Can Be a Buttfarker


Wow.

That was...quite interesting and informative.
 
2012-02-10 03:53:25 PM
California doesn't need a "how to have gay sex" manual. They have the State Tax Code.
 
2012-02-10 03:53:36 PM
is it gay if my wife sticks things up my ass?
 
2012-02-10 03:55:20 PM

Contrabulous Flabtraption: is it gay if my wife sticks things up my ass?


Was she born with a penis? Then it's not gay.

You're still going to hell for it.
 
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