Just the guy someone with a drug/alcohol problem should see...obviously.

AzDownboy: Unless subby is German or from 18th-century America, there are too many capitalized words in the headline

I like to think it's because anything submitted from ContactMusic is probably submitted by someone who works for them. They're too busy trying to get more people to their website that they can't alter the headline or even think of a funny one.

/if that's true then that is desperate

Deepak Chopra is the King of Charlatans, so I've fashioned him a crown and scepter from pure thought. He can pick them up anytime he wants. Or he can also not pick it up any time he doesn't want.

Jerry Sandusky?

She should have come to me for treatment. Here's what I would have told her:

1. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You practically crap $100 bills you farking 1 percenter, so I'll never find a violin tiny enough to play your sad song.

2. Eat a sammich. In fact, eat everything you can until you get up to at least 125 lbs. At least.

3. Open your legs and let me put it in. You will feel better. And by "you", I mean "I".

4. Pay your bill on the way out.

-Dr. Atomic Spunk