Pretty sure it's because you don't have a High School Diploma. I assume this is the case, based on how hard you just failed at English.

DundieAwardWinner: Pretty sure it's because you don't have a High School Diploma. I assume this is the case, based on how hard you just failed at English.

You haven't read any resumes of recent college graduates, have you? Granted, I'm reading resumes for IT workers, who are notorious for poor English skills, but I'm noticing a trend over the past 8 years or so. About 30% are written by professionals, 20% are written by real candidates with a shot at the job, and a full 50% are written by kids who can't figure out the difference between a professional document and their facebook page.

"Awesome" is an adjective you can use in a cover letter if you are clever. It's not a word you should use on a resume. The best usage I've seen so far was from a hire who missed out on the Olympics because he didn't qualify and said "Since I'm not that awesome, I'm looking for other work." The worst example I've ever seen was a bullet point on a resume for a Senior Project Manager job that included "Awesome at IT". Said candidate hadn't even graduated college yet.

Awesome at IT. Well, good for you.

Apos: Why come you can't have a job?

That's why.

DundieAwardWinner: Pretty sure it's because you don't have a High School Diploma. I assume this is the case, based on how hard you just failed at English.

Let me just make a guess here...

Link (new window)

Subby is a smartass.

Because there are too many other people that are willing to earn their job.

Welfare is in some places conditional on applying for jobs; sending a deliberately poor CV is an established way of jumping through that particular bureaucratic hoop. I say he knows exactly what come he can't haz job

what the fark. having a job is so last century. i realized a long time ago that you cant rely on anyone. have a job? you can get fired. married? your wife can fark some other dude. fark all you all. i found a way to make as much cash out of thin air as i need. when i have enough, im going to live on the moon with newt.

/bye

unlikely: I am part of the interview cycle at my office. When we hire, any CVs we get with spelling or grammar errors go straight to the trash.

My favorite last month was the one with the cover letter that said "I want to work for you're company because my C++ skills are in line with."
On the same page he said "I have exelent attention to detail."

Last month a colleague showed me a resume which included a pic... full glossy 8x10... for a scientific research position.

/she was honestly a stunner
//didn't get position

I have been recently informed by management that I am no longer permitted to take pictures or photocopy instances of amusing spelling or grammar mistakes and pass them around to my colleagues. There is a certain ethical reasoning I can't comprehend.

You haz job?
I haz needs for jobz
What coincidense
Iz sign from GOD
U hirz me?

I like to stalk the company's recruiters for a while first, figure out what they're into and then try to shoe-horn that into the cover letter. Typically just need to creep their facebook & linkedin profiles which are often wide open. I figured that I might as well match the tactics and it seems to work well, bonus points if they're also the first person you end up in an interview with.

We're seeing 2 types of resumes in my office these days. Either it's somebody who has had three jobs over 30+ years, with no current technology skills, and got downsized for never learning any, or it's somebody with no work history, no communication skills, and unrealistic expectations (2 weeks vacation after 90 days for example). And both types are unsolicited. We're not hiring, we're barely holding on as it is.

I always thought my resume looked retarded around the time I graduated. I shot myself in the foot by not doing multiple co-ops or internships in college, but I lucked out on a dream job I couldn't pass up.

Thankfully, I fell in to a small business IT company based off a degree with "Georgia Tech" at the top and a reasonable effort at looking professional during the interview.

Now I've got 18 months of work experience and even certifications and crap! If I lose this job, I'd probably be qualified to cry myself to sleep as I went back to school for my master's.

Also, my mediocre English skills were top notch when compared to others in my class at school. I was the one that always wrote the design papers, proposals, journals, etc. Most just didn't care and, if they did, the rest would puke on the paper for an hour and hope for the best.

/I sure hope the errors above aren't too bad

unlikely: I am part of the interview cycle at my office. When we hire, any CVs we get with spelling or grammar errors go straight to the trash.

My favorite last month was the one with the cover letter that said "I want to work for you're company because my C++ skills are in line with."
On the same page he said "I have exelent attention to detail."

Unpossible

Shrug.

If they want you, they'll overlook it. If they don't - they were never going to hire you in the first place.

1. Most people (fark warriors aside, "I do the hiring and firing and you go straight to hell...") understand that these things happen.
2. Electronic submission has really changed the game by way of applying to a job at a big company, if you don't hit the right buzzwords you're not going to through the computerized filter let alone get hired. I personally think you're better off networking and getting some face-to-face time, but that's just me.

3. As a final tip, ACTUALLY READ the job description and then tailor your cover letter or resume to hit on all the buzzwords that they used in job description. The HR person really doesn't know what the company needs, just what they've been told. So there is no way (usually) for that HR person to know how you fit. Your mission is to get past the HR person and make your pitch to the person with the actual power to hire you. When I was looking for a job I wrote my cover letters like an argument on why they should hire me. I had a decent return rate too (number of letters sent out v. number of call backs). If you're sending letter after letter out and not hearing anything - you're doing something wrong. Try and fix it.

Listen to your English teacher (substitute the local language for your part of the world as appropriate). There was once a time when you might have been taken seriously despite some minor errors in spelling and grammar, but in a market like this every word and every glyph counts.

Lsherm: DundieAwardWinner: Pretty sure it's because you don't have a High School Diploma. I assume this is the case, based on how hard you just failed at English.

You haven't read any resumes of recent college graduates, have you? Granted, I'm reading resumes for IT workers, who are notorious for poor English skills, but I'm noticing a trend over the past 8 years or so. About 30% are written by professionals, 20% are written by real candidates with a shot at the job, and a full 50% are written by kids who can't figure out the difference between a professional document and their facebook page.

"Awesome" is an adjective you can use in a cover letter if you are clever. It's not a word you should use on a resume. The best usage I've seen so far was from a hire who missed out on the Olympics because he didn't qualify and said "Since I'm not that awesome, I'm looking for other work." The worst example I've ever seen was a bullet point on a resume for a Senior Project Manager job that included "Awesome at IT". Said candidate hadn't even graduated college yet.

Awesome at IT. Well, good for you.

My cover letters were all terrible. I still don't know what I want to do long term and had a hard time faking it.
But now that I am moving up where I am at now I either need to accept this line of work forever (which isn't bad, and I don't know what else to do, but I am not satisfied) or seek some assistance bullshiatting these letters.
But I can't complain too much. Most people I know complain about their jobs, I only complain about a boss, not the job itself.

hurdboy: FTFA:
Skip the pointless bragging
Don't make it all about you
Know when to quit
Don't get sloppy

TFAuthor obviously hasn't spent much time with anyone born during the Reagan Administration. Doesn't he know that every single one of them is extraordinary, and able to accomplish anything? What the hell is wrong with this guy?

This guy is most likely a Bush I or even a Clinton administration kid.

/scary

Shouldn't someone update the wwebsite as on the Internet that Paul Christoforo is now looking for a job at J.P. Morgan?

Millennium: Listen to your English teacher (substitute the local language for your part of the world as appropriate). There was once a time when you might have been taken seriously despite some minor errors in spelling and grammar, but in a market like this every word and every glyph counts.

The problem with this advice is that an English or composition instructor will teach you to write using complex but grammatically correct structures. The majority of corporate managers have been conditioned to think and write in the equivalent of bullet points.

I've been asked a number of times to not use my formal writing style when drafting internal communications as some members of management find it "intimidating".

Monkeyhouse Zendo: Millennium: Listen to your English teacher (substitute the local language for your part of the world as appropriate). There was once a time when you might have been taken seriously despite some minor errors in spelling and grammar, but in a market like this every word and every glyph counts.

The problem with this advice is that an English or composition instructor will teach you to write using complex but grammatically correct structures. The majority of corporate managers have been conditioned to think and write in the equivalent of bullet points.

I've been asked a number of times to not use my formal writing style when drafting internal communications as some members of management find it "intimidating".

Just make sure one of your English courses is technical writing, a good one will teach you the opposite of those tactics.

Monkeyhouse Zendo: The problem with this advice is that an English or composition instructor will teach you to write using complex but grammatically correct structures. The majority of corporate managers have been conditioned to think and write in the equivalent of bullet points. I've been asked a number of times to not use my formal writing style when drafting internal communications as some members of management find it "intimidating".

Yep. There's a skill I first heard about in the Shadowrun game known as "corporate etiquette". Now that I'm genuinely good at it I wish it just remained a number on an RPG stat sheet. There's a fine art to dumbing things down to the point an HR shlub or even an MBA can understand it without being insulting. Dealing with salespeople, I have been specifically coached to use small words in a way that everyone can stay dumb while feeling smart. You know how you "talk down" to elementary school kids? You "talk up" to HR using the same vocabulary.

/What for you bury me in the cold cold ground?

My resume states that I am the recipient of the time magazine 2006 person of the year award.

/my resume and cover letters are pretty good.
//I avoid using any graduation dates
///don't want to give away my age

Personally, the only thing I liked about this article was the pic for the "How to get an internship" linked article. Apparently its easier to get an internship with an unbuttoned blouse and a set of nice blouse-blimps.
/not that I'm complaining in the least.

WienerButt: My resume states that I am the recipient of the time magazine 2006 person of the year award.

I'm so stealing that, that's awesome :)

LGeezer: sending a deliberately poor CV is an established way of jumping through that particular bureaucratic hoop.

And ensuring that you will never get hired at that company for as long as their HR policy requires them to retain submitted resumes.

P.S. in the US, they should generally be called resumes. With no accents, Frenchy. A CV is a related but distinct document, used mostly in the non-profit and academic fields.

Maybe I'm lucky, maybe I'm awesome, but I have a 100% interview to job offer ratio. If I interview, I get the job. That said, there's a fine art to resume crafting and interviewing. I like to think it's similar to the advice Brad Pitt gives to Matt Damon in Ocean's 11:

You look down, they know you're lying and up, they know you don't know the truth. Don't use seven words when four will do. Don't shift your weight, look always at your mark but don't stare, be specific but not memorable, be funny but don't make him laugh. He's got to like you then forget you the moment you've left his side. And for God's sake, whatever you do, don't, under any circumstances...

/Except, you know, be memorable and not forgotten.
//In a positive way.

It's because of the Fark You tattoo on my forehead ain't it?

cherryl taggart: unrealistic expectations (2 weeks vacation after 90 days for example)

What's so unreasonable about this?

Two weeks is the minimum acceptable amount of vacation time for a full-time employee. 90 days is an appropriate probationary period for a new hire.

poot_rootbeer: cherryl taggart: unrealistic expectations (2 weeks vacation after 90 days for example)

What's so unreasonable about this?

Two weeks is the minimum acceptable amount of vacation time for a full-time employee. 90 days is an appropriate probationary period for a new hire.

It's fine if you had the vacation lined up before you started the job and let the employer know. Otherwise, you likely won't have enough PTO accrued, and depending on your employer, they may have an issue with an employee being underwater on PTO.

Cover letters. Pfft. Almost as useless as resume objective statements.

Cauchy_Riemann_equations: 2. Electronic submission has really changed the game by way of applying to a job at a big company, if you don't hit the right buzzwords you're not going to through the computerized filter let alone get hired. I personally think you're better off networking and getting some face-to-face time, but that's just me.

Face time is always the best way to get an in at a company you want to work for, but gaming the automatic filters isn't so difficult to do.

How many keywords appear in the job posting that also appear in your resume? The answer should be "most of them". Match your phrasing to what they used; write "Cascading Style Sheets" instead of "CSS", if they do.

I hate the idea of a cover letter. Interpreted from TFA: "Tell them precisely why you are the best person for the job and how you can be an invaluable benefit to the company, without bragging." That is completely clear and not at all a subjective standard. Applying for/Interviewing for a job is a terrifying prospect that I do not look for to at all once I get fed up with my salary at my current job.

//Should be fair and mention I am a socially inept/anxious introvert. I get twitchy even talking to coworkers that I have seen every day for 4 years.

Lsherm:
You haven't read any resumes of recent college graduates, have you? Granted, I'm reading resumes for IT workers, who are notorious for poor English skills, but I'm noticing a trend over the past 8 years or so. About 30% are written by professionals, 20% are written by real candidates with a shot at the job, and a full 50% are written by kids who can't figure out the difference between a professional document and their facebook page.


I'm going to second this post. Jesus, some of the ones I see are awful.

And my wife went back to school to get a BA in English. She was also a writing center tutor. She could not fathom how some of these 18-20 year old kids graduated high school. The stories she told were awful.

poot_rootbeer: cherryl taggart: unrealistic expectations (2 weeks vacation after 90 days for example)

What's so unreasonable about this?

Two weeks is the minimum acceptable amount of vacation time for a full-time employee. 90 days is an appropriate probationary period for a new hire.

Two weeks after the first full year. I don't think I have ever seen a company say that they offer paid vacations during the first year.

That's the 'worst cover letter in the world'? Allow me to reproduce one that I received recently:

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am interested in the position advertised on your website. I have multimedia programming experience. I would appreciate your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

BolloxReader: I don't think I have ever seen a company say that they offer paid vacations during the first year.

Some companies accrue, in which case you start earning vacation days from the day the 90-day probation is up. In some cases you can even earn the vacation days from the first day, but can't take them until after the probationary period is over. But it takes a full year to accrue 10 days, so the longest vacation you can take at the end of 90 days is 2.5 days and you then start over. I don't know of an employer outside Washington, D.C. that lets someone takes 2 weeks off starting their fourth month.

dragonchild: BolloxReader: I don't think I have ever seen a company say that they offer paid vacations during the first year.

Some companies accrue, in which case you start earning vacation days from the day the 90-day probation is up. In some cases you can even earn the vacation days from the first day, but can't take them until after the probationary period is over. But it takes a full year to accrue 10 days, so the longest vacation you can take at the end of 90 days is 2.5 days and you then start over. I don't know of an employer outside Washington, D.C. that lets someone takes 2 weeks off starting their fourth month.

fyi, feds are on an accrual setup as well, so a federal employee would only have 4 days of vacation after 4 months.

some of the contractors though, sheesh.

BumpInTheNight: I like to stalk the company's recruiters for a while first, figure out what they're into and then try to shoe-horn that into the cover letter. Typically just need to creep their facebook & linkedin profiles which are often wide open. I figured that I might as well match the tactics and it seems to work well, bonus points if they're also the first person you end up in an interview with.

An how does that go, "In addition to my IT skills, I also like midget amputee porn and dressing up my cat like Napoleon"?