FARK.com: (6931387) Drilled through the heart, and you're to blame. You give mayonnaise tubs a bad name

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		Drilled through the heart, and you're to blame. You give mayonnaise tubs a bad name (thesun.co.uk)		37
		More: Sad, ice storms, accidents, Steve Coogan, public participation, Nazi leaders, helicopter pilot, Prince Harry, Oxfordshire

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11465 clicks; posted to Main » on 09 Feb 2012 at 8:34 AM | Favorite | share:

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37 Comments (+0 »)

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Dead for Tax Reasons

2012-02-09 08:28:11 AM

Friend Salam Kiras tried desperately to stem the flow of blood before rushing to a nearby kebab shop for help.

Whenever I need help I always rush to the kebab shop

I_Am_Weasel

2012-02-09 08:32:28 AM

I'm fairly certain that mayo tubs do not really meet industry safety standards quite the same way a ladder does. Or maybe it does, perhaps there is some sort of training course you have to go to first, some sort of clinic.

I try not to laugh when a person is killed, but I couldn't help it when his friend went to the nearby kabob place to help his friend who had impaled himself.

Fritriac

2012-02-09 08:38:39 AM

BurnShrike

2012-02-09 08:39:09 AM

Didn't he know mayonnaise jars are Slippery When Wet?

nmiguy

2012-02-09 08:44:09 AM

This is one of the more embarrassing ways to die.

Link (new window)

Somebody contact the writers of this show.

Splinshints

2012-02-09 08:44:19 AM

Friend Salam Kiras tried desperately to stem the flow of blood before rushing to a nearby kebab shop for help.

A kebab shop may, in fact, be the single most worstest place you could possibly take a stabbing victim for help.

Colin O'Scopy

2012-02-09 08:44:33 AM

BurnShrike: Didn't he know mayonnaise jars are Slippery When Wet?

Awwwwwwwwww....

That was (hilariously) bad, dood!!! :)

/i declare it Bon Jovi Ridicule Day
//All threads must relate to, and make fun of) Bon Jovi somehow

Wellon Dowd

2012-02-09 08:50:03 AM

I'll just stand on this... never leads to a happy outcome.

Fireproof

2012-02-09 08:57:01 AM

There needs to be a special HOTY category for artfully doing a totally random headline about a totally random story.

discgolfguru

2012-02-09 09:03:15 AM

I try and try to tell people of the superiority of Miracle Whip, but nobody listens.

urban.derelict

2012-02-09 09:13:31 AM

If i hadn't spent so much time in the last thread I could have come first in this mayonnaise.

/it's the special sauce

Mayhem of the Black Underclass

2012-02-09 09:14:29 AM

At a kebab shop, would they use pita, skewer, lamb meet, tabbouleh, or cucumber sauce to staunch the blood flow? I only ask because I was near that spot having lunch, when a guy with a hole in his chest showed up, Emergency Services took him away and my pita looked kind of splotchy and I had ordered no tomato, so I'm having my suspicions.

(kew-CUM-ber, tum-AH-toe)

Barnstormer

2012-02-09 09:40:45 AM

More proof that mayo is Satan's condiment. Banish thee to hell, foul oil and egg emulsion!

peasants_are_revolting

2012-02-09 09:40:57 AM

I_Am_Weasel:

I try not to laugh when a person is killed, but I couldn't help it when his friend went to the nearby kabob place to help his friend who had impaled himself.

Hahahaha!

Random Discord

2012-02-09 09:41:29 AM

A+ headline subby, would lol again.

urban.derelict

2012-02-09 09:46:29 AM

Barnstormer: More proof that mayo is Satan's condiment. Banish thee to hell, foul oil and egg emulsion!

I have wondered who was the first person to think "Hmmm I'm going to mix together half a dozen eggs, a quart of milk, 2 sticks of butter, throw in some spices, stir it up to a consistent consistency if i can and then spread it on bread and see what it tastes like..."

peasants_are_revolting

2012-02-09 09:54:01 AM

In our apartment in India we got this little guy to install a wall-mounted air conditioner. He dragged in this ladder made from pieces of bamboo tied together with rope, and the electrical cord of his drill ended in just two bare wires. His drill motor was almost as big as he was. He poked them into the outlet with matchsticks, no less, and got to work. All of a sudden my Indian roommate screamed, so I whirled around to see what was her problem.

The little guy had gotten unbalanced by the massive drill motor, and the bamboo ladder had come away from the wall and was sort of balancing vertically in our living room with him at the top of it. I jumped up at first to try to steady the ladder, but he had panicked, so had clamped down on the trigger of the drill, so it was just screaming. I thought, fark it, I'm not getting in the way of that, and stepped aside. The whole contraption fell over and the drill went flying through a (closed) window. Fortunately, it landed outside on the balcony instead of going all the way down to the street.

The guy wasn't hurt too bad, but it was a pretty intense moment.

chappy62

2012-02-09 10:04:35 AM

wanted for questioning...

Wrongo

2012-02-09 10:21:35 AM

Slowcap for subby. Nice work.

studman 69

2012-02-09 10:28:53 AM

I came for a picture of the mustard man, I'm leaving satisfied.

sotua

2012-02-09 10:38:12 AM

urban.derelict: Barnstormer: More proof that mayo is Satan's condiment. Banish thee to hell, foul oil and egg emulsion!

I have wondered who was the first person to think "Hmmm I'm going to mix together half a dozen eggs, a quart of milk, 2 sticks of butter, throw in some spices, stir it up to a consistent consistency if i can and then spread it on bread and see what it tastes like..."

It would probably taste like mayo recipe fail.

WaltzingMathilda

2012-02-09 10:56:57 AM

chappy62: [www.bloggerheads.com image 300x400]

wanted for questioning...

that's mustard. which is different from mayonnaise. i don't know why he would be wanted for questioning in a mayonnaise related death. going straight to him seems like lazy police work.

Flakeloaf

2012-02-09 11:44:15 AM

Who needs workplace safety regulations anyway? Get out of my business, government!

Also:

Friend Salam Kiras tried desperately to stem the flow of blood before rushing to a nearby kebab shop for help.

I'm willing to bet that this person's choice of a kebab shop had less to do with the kind of establishment and more to do with common origins. If I want to get lifesaving help for somebody right meow, I'd rather not complicate the exchange by going through a second language.

I_Am_Weasel

2012-02-09 11:47:00 AM

Mayonnaise or mustard deaths, someone must condemn it.

/cond...demn...nit...

weapon13

2012-02-09 12:36:35 PM

peasants_are_revolting: In our apartment in India we got this little guy to install a wall-mounted air conditioner. He dragged in this ladder made from pieces of bamboo tied together with rope, and the electrical cord of his drill ended in just two bare wires. His drill motor was almost as big as he was. He poked them into the outlet with matchsticks, no less, and got to work. All of a sudden my Indian roommate screamed, so I whirled around to see what was her problem.

The little guy had gotten unbalanced by the massive drill motor, and the bamboo ladder had come away from the wall and was sort of balancing vertically in our living room with him at the top of it. I jumped up at first to try to steady the ladder, but he had panicked, so had clamped down on the trigger of the drill, so it was just screaming. I thought, fark it, I'm not getting in the way of that, and stepped aside. The whole contraption fell over and the drill went flying through a (closed) window. Fortunately, it landed outside on the balcony instead of going all the way down to the street.

The guy wasn't hurt too bad, but it was a pretty intense moment.

Don't know what's worse, we have health & safety overkill in the U.K and they don't seem to have any.

My dad does DIY the cheapskate way and says that I'm a woman (not a woman) when I use a mask and safety gear when I peel away old asbestos paint.

Bathia_Mapes

2012-02-09 12:45:10 PM

Flakeloaf: Who needs workplace safety regulations anyway? Get out of my business, government!

Also:

Friend Salam Kiras tried desperately to stem the flow of blood before rushing to a nearby kebab shop for help.

I'm willing to bet that this person's choice of a kebab shop had less to do with the kind of establishment and more to do with common origins. If I want to get lifesaving help for somebody right meow, I'd rather not complicate the exchange by going through a second language.

That's a possibility. Also, it might have been where the closest telephone was as well.

offmymeds

2012-02-09 12:47:08 PM

Well, that story was a bit unusual.

lordargent

2012-02-09 01:40:15 PM

Thai_Mai_Xhu

2012-02-09 01:53:11 PM

SCHWEET HEADLINE!

zwesom

2012-02-09 01:54:54 PM

WaltzingMathilda: chappy62: [www.bloggerheads.com image 300x400]

wanted for questioning...

that's mustard. which is different from mayonnaise. i don't know why he would be wanted for questioning in a mayonnaise related death. going straight to him seems like lazy police work.

Trying to tarnish mayo's reputation perhaps?

warwick_hunt

2012-02-09 01:58:49 PM

Everyone needs to stop laughing at this, the poor bloke sounds like he went through Hell, man ('s)

zymurgist

2012-02-09 02:09:14 PM

My sincere condiments to his family.

malaktaus

2012-02-09 02:38:14 PM

The deceased is described as Kurdish-born. I wasn't aware Kurdistan was a country now. The Turks will not be pleased.

umdvm

2012-02-09 04:07:13 PM

Latest info states he will be layed down in a bed of roses...poor guy must have been living on a prayer after his puppy was the latest runaway ... hope his family keeps the faith

casual disregard

2012-02-09 07:40:10 PM

Wellon Dowd: I'll just stand on this... never leads to a happy outcome.

I worked at a Safeway once and my manager handed me a ladder (really) and told me to take down decorations hanging from the ceiling following Christmas. I'm like 5'6-ish. I had to stand on my tippy-toes on the top shelf that is labelled angrily "do not use as a step" to barely reach the decorations and I still had to thrust my arms as far as possible just to reach the clips. These decorations were all over the store. I'm still a bit surprised that I didn't break my neck or worse that day.

If I had said no, I would have been fired because I lived in a right-to-work state.Getting paid was more important than my health in that year.

/and that was the reasonable manager
//one would scream the names of the staff from across the store despite having a perfectly functional and unobtrusive PA system
///the other considered it her personal mission to coach the lowest paid employees in the store how to behave even though her input would have alienated customers who didn't want strangers touching their property randomly
////fark them all and fark Safeway, i earn more now than any of them ever did
//i'm "not bitter" but Safeway will never get one cent from me for as long as I live and I will preach my hatred for Safeway to everyone I'll ever know
//csb: we wee folk had a running joke: SAFEWAY backwards is You Always Work Every Friday And Saturday

KnowledgeJunkie

2012-02-10 02:38:09 AM

OK, I just have to get this off my chest-

Did anybody else click the link of the busty woman in the sidebar and then see the lumps in her armpits? My god....

skyshooter

2012-02-10 03:40:23 AM

Subby - one of the best headlines I've ever seen on Fark, I lol'd and lol'd and am still LMAO!!!
Thank you.

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