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(io9)   Ten movies and TV shows where in reality everyone would be dead within five minutes of the credits rolling. Doctor?   (io9.com) divider line 147
    More: Amusing, physicians, Space science, molecular structure, Endor, Ewoks, Jean Grey, Agent Smith, Kyle Reese  
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18093 clicks; posted to Geek » on 07 Feb 2012 at 7:22 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-02-07 03:23:28 PM
cache.gawkerassets.com

YAY!! DEATH!
 
2012-02-07 04:00:15 PM
6. Independence Day

Well if you wanna get technical, the movie would've been over in 5 minutes. A mothership 1/4 the size of the moon would've seriously farked with earth's gravity. Plus Will Smif's wife would've died immediately in the tunnel (you can't outrun a giant fireball, and you sure as hell can't breathe as a giant fireball passes 5 feet from you).
 
2012-02-07 04:09:39 PM
And to keep going on ID4, here's A "Rocket Scientist's" Reaction to ID4 (pops).

It's a pretty funny read. My favorite so far:

By definition, each of the saucers started at Earth's escape velocity, 7 miles per second, and had to dump that kinetic energy by aerobraking or some sort of retroreactive system on the leading edge. The descent was clearly under control, so 36 times 1.1 x 1022 calories, i.e. 400 million megatons (Mt) would have been smoothly released into our biosphere in less than an hour. That's about four times as great as the K-T Event 65 megayears ago which wiped out the dinosaurs and most of everything else.
 
2012-02-07 04:12:14 PM

Pawn takes the King: YAY!! DEATH!


I disagree with the Wall-E mention, b/c they still have the ship that kept them all alive in the first place.

They're fatasses in a desert, but they have an awesome RV.
 
2012-02-07 04:15:08 PM
Missing:

msnbcmedia4.msn.com
 
2012-02-07 04:24:15 PM

iStig: Missing:

[msnbcmedia4.msn.com image 296x222]


Also missing:

www.stomptokyo.com

Just saw that for the first time in what must be 30-35 years. Great, Charlton Heston has told everyone that Soylent Green is people in hopes that the Soylent Corp. will discontinue the practice. But the ocean's plankton is still dying, the world is still barren of crops, and there are 9M people in NYC alone. What the fark are they going to eat if Soylent Corp. goes under?
 
2012-02-07 04:52:13 PM
The Matrix never did make sense to me, even before the sequels when it really started to not make sense. Let's gleefully mow down dozens of innocent people in order to destroy the computer system which is the only thing keeping the rest of humanity alive. Hey, the rest of humanity, you're free! Now cram yourselves into this shiatty Zion place and eat gruel. Oh and there's a rave at 10:00. And why didn't the machines just use cows or whales or something easier to control to get their energy? Eh.

And of course The Terminator never made any sense since Reese said that the terminator went into the time displacement thing before he did, meaning history would be instantly changed and Reese wouldn't even have a chance to go in after it.

As for ID4, I don't know anything about physics but I did date a stripper and the scene where Will Smith's girlfriend wakes up with him and goes to the club to pick up her check took me completely out of the movie. A 14 mile long mother ship getting vaporized by one nuke? Sure. An alien computer getting hacked with a Macbook from 1996? Absolutely. But no stripper wakes up before noon and they don't get paid with paychecks. Suspension of disbelief only goes so far.
 
2012-02-07 05:15:49 PM
Note: After we were already most of the way through working on this, we discovered this TVTropes Page, which overlaps a fair bit with what we're talking about here. When we were finishing up, we also found a couple Cracked.com articles that overlap slightly with this list. Check it out, for further reading. Thanks also to Annalee and Cyriaque for the suggestions!

Translation: We totally thought up this column on our own and were unaware anybody had this idea before!
 
2012-02-07 05:19:05 PM

jaylectricity: Note: After we were already most of the way through working on this, we discovered this TVTropes Page, which overlaps a fair bit with what we're talking about here. When we were finishing up, we also found a couple Cracked.com articles that overlap slightly with this list. Check it out, for further reading. Thanks also to Annalee and Cyriaque for the suggestions!

Translation: We totally thought up this column on our own and were unaware anybody had this idea before! stole this shiat. Please don't sue us, Cracked. We were desperate.

 
2012-02-07 05:19:55 PM

brigid_fitch: iStig: Missing:

[msnbcmedia4.msn.com image 296x222]

Also missing:

[www.stomptokyo.com image 320x240]

Just saw that for the first time in what must be 30-35 years. Great, Charlton Heston has told everyone that Soylent Green is people in hopes that the Soylent Corp. will discontinue the practice. But the ocean's plankton is still dying, the world is still barren of crops, and there are 9M people in NYC alone. What the fark are they going to eat if Soylent Corp. goes under?


Simple: they just cut out the middle man
 
2012-02-07 05:23:00 PM

Mugato: The Matrix never did make sense to me, even before the sequels when it really started to not make sense. Let's gleefully mow down dozens of innocent people in order to destroy the computer system which is the only thing keeping the rest of humanity alive. Hey, the rest of humanity, you're free! Now cram yourselves into this shiatty Zion place and eat gruel. Oh and there's a rave at 10:00. And why didn't the machines just use cows or whales or something easier to control to get their energy? Eh.

And of course The Terminator never made any sense since Reese said that the terminator went into the time displacement thing before he did, meaning history would be instantly changed and Reese wouldn't even have a chance to go in after it.

As for ID4, I don't know anything about physics but I did date a stripper and the scene where Will Smith's girlfriend wakes up with him and goes to the club to pick up her check took me completely out of the movie. A 14 mile long mother ship getting vaporized by one nuke? Sure. An alien computer getting hacked with a Macbook from 1996? Absolutely. But no stripper wakes up before noon and they don't get paid with paychecks. Suspension of disbelief only goes so far.


The unbelievable part that took me out of your post was you dating the Stripper. :)


But let's look over the the list, shall we?
10. Star Wars: Return of the Jedi.
Almost every time this is pointed out, they print a panel from a Star Wars Tales story about an old Storm Trooper who is telling the story at a bar. There is a splash page where the Storm trooper explains how he had the last laugh. Until a young kid at the bar pointed out that the most of the Death Star was disintegrated in the blast and if there were any large chunks, the rebel fleet blew them up. Keep in mind, the explosions in Star Wars rarely left chunks.

That and it's Science FANTASY. Not science fiction. It has giant space slugs that live in asteroids.

9. DollhouseDidn't see it.
8. X3: X-Men United
I thought the movie was entertaining, but no where near as good as the first two. But the biggest snafu is that Singer set it the mutant things as a "Gay rights" metaphor (Kirby and Lee set it up as a civil rights issue) As a result, the whole thing doesn't work because it's seems like the message is "if society doesn't like you, it has a responsibility to cure you.)
7. Almost every Doctor Who story ever Absolute fail. The Doctor almost always reverses the problems that are started.It's a (You Understood) thing. Unless Davies is writing him.
6. Independence Day Everyone that says says " The size of the ships would destroy the earth" It's not the ship size, it's the mass. And the ships were hollow. When a major plot point is using a mac to put a virus in, you are aren't really aiming for reality.
5.Wall-E They still had the ship to live from, while they were replanting the earth. And the credits DO count as part of the plot.
4. Star Trek (2009) It's a world with Replicators, force fields and Tranporters. I'm sure they could have done' something rather quickly.
3. The Matrix Trilogy The first movie was great: It was the Jesus story told violently.The second two movies just mad a mess out of everything.
2. The Terminator In the original Terminator, Skynet only had one shot at time travel before the Humans won the fight. The problem comes in the sequels, where many more got through.
Avatar I think that the "response" is actually part of the sequel plans. It maybe Interesting to see the responses. But the big problem is this: Would humans still act this way in the future?
 
2012-02-07 05:24:50 PM

iStig: Missing:

[msnbcmedia4.msn.com image 296x222]


All they had to do was to get a rope and pull the gold towards themselves. It was a lame ending to a rather enjoyable little film.
 
2012-02-07 05:28:49 PM
The giant space drill itself also fell into the ocean, in the exact same spot where it was just drilling. Shouldn't this generate some kind of tsunami that would wipe out everything in the coastal areas?

not it didnt you farktard
the earth would have rotated some before it hit
so there is no way that it would have hit the exact spot
LOL

tards
 
2012-02-07 05:30:27 PM
Dollhouse doesn't really belong on this list, but I will take any excuse I can get to talk about it.
 
2012-02-07 05:32:06 PM
1. Avatar According to Cameron, Pandora is well aware of the Human menace and is considering means of retaliation from a killer virus on up. Also Pandora is mobile (that's why there's so much unobtainium floating around, that's part of Pandora's propulsion system). It could just move to another star system or come into ours and kick our ass.
 
2012-02-07 05:36:45 PM

Darth_Lukecash: That and it's Science FANTASY. Not science fiction. It has giant space slugs that live in asteroids.


Right? Debating the realism - particularly the scientific realism - of Star Wars is like debating the... uh... I dunno. It's just stupid, that's all!
 
2012-02-07 05:39:11 PM
you know
in re all of the matrix movies

being able to get energy from humans is so retarded, that the universe would collapse killing everything
 
2012-02-07 06:02:12 PM

namatad: The giant space drill itself also fell into the ocean, in the exact same spot where it was just drilling. Shouldn't this generate some kind of tsunami that would wipe out everything in the coastal areas?

not it didnt you farktard
the earth would have rotated some before it hit
so there is no way that it would have hit the exact spot
LOL

tards


Your comment seems kinda hatey, but anyway, in order to drill in one spot the ship (and thus the drill) would be matching the rotation of the earth. So when it's cut it would fall in the same spot.
 
2012-02-07 06:26:29 PM
So I'm the only one that thought Friends?
 
2012-02-07 06:41:05 PM

DirtyDeadGhostofEbenezerCooke: So I'm the only one that thought Friends?


"What are you assholes doing in apartments that you obviously can't afford?"

"Five obnoxious douchebags were gunned down today while sipping lattes...."
 
2012-02-07 06:44:05 PM

Barfmaker: Your comment seems kinda hatey, but anyway, in order to drill in one spot the ship (and thus the drill) would be matching the rotation of the earth. So when it's cut it would fall in the same spot.


cute but so false it isnt even funny
the drill and ship were clearly connected by the magic chain.
the SHIP and possibly the drill head, we in constant flight.
they were not stable, they were moving at all times to STAY in orbit over the same spot

we know that the ship was NOT in geosynchronous orbit.
the curvature of the earth, viewed from the ship, argued that the ship was much closer than the required 26 thousand miles.

therefore when the drill head was detached from the ship and damaged. the falling drill head was in freefall. it was not in powered flight doing station keeping over one spot

so it would have missed

unless you are arguing that the drill head was CLOSE to the surface, which would have made the drift small ...
 
2012-02-07 06:46:38 PM

Mugato: DirtyDeadGhostofEbenezerCooke: So I'm the only one that thought Friends?

"What are you assholes doing in apartments that you obviously can't afford?"

"Five obnoxious douchebags were gunned down today while sipping lattes...."


after being evicted ....

on the other hand ... rent control in NYC is pretty farked up
do we know HOW they got the apartments?
the dicks got theirs from one other dads
the slots got theirs from a parent or sugar daddy ...

SURE, I can believe this


LOL
 
2012-02-07 06:54:32 PM
paneldiscussions.files.wordpress.com

/that is all
 
2012-02-07 07:11:03 PM

calbert: [paneldiscussions.files.wordpress.com image 640x345]

/that is all


seriously, no way his rotations would be that erratic and poorly grouped. he's superman, for christ's sake.
 
2012-02-07 07:16:58 PM

namatad: therefore when the drill head was detached from the ship and damaged. the falling drill head was in freefall. it was not in powered flight doing station keeping over one spot


Yeah but it's already got that relative momentum because its been matching the rotation of the earth. It only appears to be moving if you're viewing it from a fixed point not on the earth, as far as the planet is concerned it's not moving.

So the only thing that could affect that would be wind, and it would take a lot of wind to affect something that heavy in that short amount of time.

A good example is a helium balloon, on a windless day it goes straight up, the rotation of the planet doesn't make it go west.
 
2012-02-07 07:27:43 PM

Barfmaker: namatad: therefore when the drill head was detached from the ship and damaged. the falling drill head was in freefall. it was not in powered flight doing station keeping over one spot

Yeah but it's already got that relative momentum because its been matching the rotation of the earth. It only appears to be moving if you're viewing it from a fixed point not on the earth, as far as the planet is concerned it's not moving.

So the only thing that could affect that would be wind, and it would take a lot of wind to affect something that heavy in that short amount of time.

A good example is a helium balloon, on a windless day it goes straight up, the rotation of the planet doesn't make it go west.


hahaha
no

in order to station keep, it needs to provide constant trust to stay in the same place ...
this is not momemtum
 
2012-02-07 07:28:18 PM

jaylectricity: Translation: We totally thought up this column on our own and were unaware anybody had this idea before!


Translation: 15 minute deadlines are a biatch
 
2012-02-07 07:35:36 PM

Coelacanth: 1. Avatar According to Cameron, Pandora is well aware of the Human menace and is considering means of retaliation from a killer virus on up. Also Pandora is mobile (that's why there's so much unobtainium floating around, that's part of Pandora's propulsion system). It could just move to another star system or come into ours and kick our ass.


Wait, Pandora can move around? When did Cameron say that?
 
2012-02-07 07:37:49 PM
Fiction. How the heck does it work?
 
2012-02-07 07:44:26 PM

Coelacanth: 1. Avatar According to Cameron, Pandora is well aware of the Human menace and is considering means of retaliation from a killer virus on up. Also Pandora is mobile (that's why there's so much unobtainium floating around, that's part of Pandora's propulsion system). It could just move to another star system or come into ours and kick our ass.


Wait...Pandora is Mogo?
 
2012-02-07 07:47:00 PM
Gigli - Everyone in the world commits suicide.
 
2012-02-07 07:49:30 PM
No "Community"?
 
2012-02-07 07:51:15 PM

Each Matrix movie has diminishing returns. What really pisses me off is at the end of the second movie it is clearly stated that Zion is nothing except another part of the Matrix, yet this idea is never revisited in the third film which is horrible despite the good special effects. I'll keep saying it, that the proper sequel to The Matrix is "AniMatrix".


Once I saw the "Cake Code" go to the woman's vagina in the first Merovingian scene I should have realized the movie would be crap.

 
2012-02-07 07:54:11 PM

namatad: Barfmaker: namatad: therefore when the drill head was detached from the ship and damaged. the falling drill head was in freefall. it was not in powered flight doing station keeping over one spot

Yeah but it's already got that relative momentum because its been matching the rotation of the earth. It only appears to be moving if you're viewing it from a fixed point not on the earth, as far as the planet is concerned it's not moving.

So the only thing that could affect that would be wind, and it would take a lot of wind to affect something that heavy in that short amount of time.

A good example is a helium balloon, on a windless day it goes straight up, the rotation of the planet doesn't make it go west.

hahaha
no

in order to station keep, it needs to provide constant trust to stay in the same place ...
this is not momemtum


Have you psuedo nerds not heard of Lagrange points?
 
2012-02-07 07:58:41 PM

Diogenes Teufelsdrockh: Coelacanth: 1. Avatar According to Cameron, Pandora is well aware of the Human menace and is considering means of retaliation from a killer virus on up. Also Pandora is mobile (that's why there's so much unobtainium floating around, that's part of Pandora's propulsion system). It could just move to another star system or come into ours and kick our ass.

Wait...Pandora is Mogo?


Or that one planet from the Star Wars Expanded Universe: Zonama Sekot ?
 
2012-02-07 08:02:17 PM

scottydoesntknow: (you can't outrun a giant fireball, and you sure as hell can't breathe as a giant fireball passes 5 feet from you).



You can if you're a dog!
Link (new window)
 
2012-02-07 08:03:24 PM
I always thought how The Mist could have ended that way? The sheer number of spiders that could get away, grow, reproduce, and expand their territory could replace earth as the primary species.
/plus, i'd like to know how they/or if they closed the portal?
//but most sequels i.e. the incredibles and this will never be made.
 
2012-02-07 08:07:02 PM

Benevolent Misanthrope: jaylectricity: Note: After we were already most of the way through working on this, we discovered this TVTropes Page, which overlaps a fair bit with what we're talking about here. When we were finishing up, we also found a couple Cracked.com articles that overlap slightly with this list. Check it out, for further reading. Thanks also to Annalee and Cyriaque for the suggestions!

Translation: We totally thought up this column on our own and were unaware anybody had this idea before! stole this shiat. Please don't sue us, Cracked. We were desperate.


I came here to say that this was like a Cracked list, minus the wit and humor.
 
2012-02-07 08:07:23 PM
Missing:

The Fifth Element. The Great Evil was a giant planet about to collide with Earth. It was stopped mere miles before hitting the surface. It's a "second Moon" that is dangerously close to Earth, and its gravity alone could ensure that the Great Evil won after all.
 
2012-02-07 08:11:32 PM
Big fail on Wall-E... As the movie ends (and before the credits), the final shot pulls away from the ship, then the robots, and finally past fields full of those plants.
 
2012-02-07 08:20:58 PM

skinink: Each Matrix movie has diminishing returns. What really pisses me off is at the end of the second movie it is clearly stated that Zion is nothing except another part of the Matrix


That was not 'clearly stated.'

Neo was able to stop the machines. We know the Matrix uses wireless connectivity (hence the human ships having to be at 'broadcast depth' in order to access it).

Neo just has wi-fi. He 'evolved' or 'ascended' or whatever to the point that he no longer needed to 'jack in' using the human-made hacks in order to access The Matrix. That scene and the events in the next film were to demonstrate how he had 'leveled up' or whatever. Neo was becoming more 'one' with the Matrix, in contrast to Smith, who was doing the opposite - he was encroaching on reality by overwriting a human mind and 'escaping' the Matrix.

The end of the second movie ended with Neo in the Matrix (without being jacked in) and Smith in the real world. A game of opposites.
 
2012-02-07 08:27:22 PM

9beers: Wait, Pandora can move around? When did Cameron say that?


Interviews. There's also been suggestions that the Na'vi aren't indigenous either.
 
2012-02-07 08:28:07 PM

Mugato: The Matrix never did make sense to me, even before the sequels when it really started to not make sense. Let's gleefully mow down dozens of innocent people in order to destroy the computer system which is the only thing keeping the rest of humanity alive. Hey, the rest of humanity, you're free! Now cram yourselves into this shiatty Zion place and eat gruel. Oh and there's a rave at 10:00. And why didn't the machines just use cows or whales or something easier to control to get their energy? Eh.


Surely the problem with the Matrix is that it is a perpetual motion device - feeding dead humans to other humans and harvesting off enough electricity to run a clearly massive society - even if it could work in the first place - would be a closed system that you are extracting massive amounts of energy from and thus run down very rapidly. The thing that confused me is why the machines don't consider coal fired power stations or geothermal wells, that could keep them running for thousands of years until the skies could clear.

scottydoesntknow: 6. Independence DayWell if you wanna get technical, the movie would've been over in 5 minutes. A mothership 1/4 the size of the moon would've seriously farked with earth's gravity


It would have an impact, but it would hardly be terminal - it would increase the tidal bulge and thus the difference between high and low tides, so you would have low lying areas flooded, possibly some tidal bore affects, and if it stayed there millions of years some possible orbital affects that could affect the climate, but it would hardly be armageddon.
 
2012-02-07 08:29:33 PM

ObeliskToucher: Big fail on Wall-E... As the movie ends (and before the credits), the final shot pulls away from the ship, then the robots, and finally past fields full of those plants.


Time dilation would've explained it if they had killed off that cockroach.
 
2012-02-07 08:31:59 PM

LeroyBourne: I always thought how The Mist could have ended that way? The sheer number of spiders that could get away, grow, reproduce, and expand their territory could replace earth as the primary species.
/plus, i'd like to know how they/or if they closed the portal?
//but most sequels i.e. the incredibles and this will never be made.


Did we even see if they could breed (been a long time since I've seen it)? Also there were predators from the portal that were eating the spider creatures and each other as well. If it were just isolated to that town, I could see it being contained with a few sporadic incidents over the next few months.
 
2012-02-07 08:34:32 PM

Coelacanth: 9beers: Wait, Pandora can move around? When did Cameron say that?

Interviews. There's also been suggestions that the Na'vi aren't indigenous either.


Avatar just got dumber.
 
2012-02-07 08:34:59 PM
FTFA: When we were finishing up, we also found a couple Cracked.com articles that overlap slightly with this list.

io9 should just have that on the bottom of all their articles as a default.
 
2012-02-07 08:38:15 PM

namatad: on the other hand ... rent control in NYC is pretty farked up
do we know HOW [the Friends] got the apartments?


Rachel and Monica's apartment originally belong to Monica's grandmother, who had lived there since the mid-60s, meaning that thanks to NYC's screwy rent control laws the rent was ridiculously low.

Chandler and Joey's apartment was much smaller, had no view, and did not face the park. They were able to afford it because Chandler makes a lot of money, on account that he's the only one with a real job.
 
2012-02-07 08:39:23 PM
What is all this talk about Zion in the Matrix movie? Sure they reference it, but you don't ever see it so it might not be as crowded as we think.

The movie ends with Neo starting to fly off and I think he has a shot at freeing everyone.
 
2012-02-07 08:40:26 PM

namatad: in order to station keep, it needs to provide constant trust to stay in the same place ...
this is not momemtum


Something something Newton's first law.

Jambalaya James: Have you psuedo nerds not heard of Lagrange points?


Yeah but I'm not sure I see how that really applies here and it's really gone past the point where I want to brain on it anymore.
 
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