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(Washington Post)   Academic experts release 200 page paper showing that online dating doesn't always go well   (washingtonpost.com) divider line 293
    More: Obvious, online dating, village elders, objectification, dating  
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8731 clicks; posted to Main » on 06 Feb 2012 at 9:34 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-02-06 10:00:17 AM
I think you find about the same mix of people doing on-line dating nowadays as you'd find out roaming around looking for someone.

I don't do either one anymore. My best chance of meeting someone would be to get into one of those groups that do things together, like go hiking or do some other activity together. But I don't like groups, they make me nervous and everyone talks too much. So fark it.
 
2012-02-06 10:01:21 AM

JustUseTheWrench: Why, oh why, do some men think that the quickest way into a girl's pants is to send her unsolicited pictures of their junk? Can anyone offer any insight?


I don't think they think it will work 100% of the time. It only has to work 1 of the how ever many times they try it in that particular batch. It cuts through all the hard work.
 
2012-02-06 10:03:56 AM
It's sorta how like the Internet has really made everything really, really disposable, which includes people and relationships.
 
2012-02-06 10:07:33 AM
i met my fiancee on match.com, and I was groomsman in another match.com wedding. ymmv.
 
2012-02-06 10:08:53 AM

abfalter: I have to say that my online dating experiences were overwhelmingly positive.

I was divorced after a long marriage. I joined a few sites (some free, some with a fee) and posted recent pictures along with a detailed and very, very open and honest profile. I figured that it was best to be honest up front; perhaps less dates that way but the quality of the dates would be better.

The initial summer of dating was quite a bit of fun. I had a few dozen different dates and none of them were overwhelmingly bad. A few were uninteresting.

I had two relationships out of this. One for several months (before she unfortunately passed away, which is too long of a story to go into here). And the other is my current wife, whom I love very much and whom I would not have met were it not for online dating.

I think my attitude helped a lot to make it a positive experience. As I said, I was very open and honest because I wanted the girls to like me for who I am and not anything made up or concealed.

I also thought it was a great filter, of sorts. I read through a lot of women's profiles and found various things that made me realize that a relationship would not work with them.

And the fact that I was looking for a relationship instead of just sex. Not to say that I didn't enjoy a lot of sex during the search for the right partner. *grin* But I never pushed for it, and it was not my main goal. The dates were, in effect, potential-relationship interviews.

So I have heard horror stories, and I believe them. But I think someone on this thread needs to say to people reading this who are thinking of using them that the sites can be a good experience.

My advice to them:

- Be open and honest. Even if you get less dates from it.
- Take what folks say with a grain of salt.
- Take things as they come.
- Take rejection impersonally. If someone is not interested, it is good to find that out early.
- Take a chance. She might seem out of your league, but if you don't take a ch ...


All good advice, I would also add: Treat each date as a clean slate. I met way too many women who were, right from the start, somewhat bitter skeptics from going on disappointing dates and it was a big turn off. There's more to chemistry than just matching interests, so you're bound to have a lot of swings and misses.

Nature loves a numbers game...
 
2012-02-06 10:09:32 AM

CapnBlues: i met my fiancee on match.com, and I was groomsman in another match.com wedding. ymmv.


Isn't that the site where women marry men only to kill them in their sleep a few years later?
 
2012-02-06 10:09:55 AM

markfara: Jake Havechek: People write their descriptions of what they think they are like, which is not usually the case.

You can avoid a lot of trouble by putting something like this in your profile:

"I only want to date honest people. Liars need not apply."

Dishonest people will leave you alone if you do that.


+1
Having read a zillion profiles on okc, any profile that mentions hating liars and players indicates you are in for drama with someone with a chip on their shoulder.
 
2012-02-06 10:10:09 AM

abfalter: I also saw some of the things guys would write to her and they were laughable.


That's fantastic. Perhaps I will start compiling a penis database.

I feel for her on the messages. I get anything ranging from "DAYYYYUM BBY GURL, UR HOT!!!!!"
I think the best message I received, though, was from a guy who took pictures of himself in a bubble bath with candles and a glass of champagne. It is just amazing what some people think is attractive.
 
2012-02-06 10:10:11 AM

Jake Havechek: People write their descriptions of what they think they are like, which is not usually the case.


How is that any different than people grossly inflating what they do for a living, their accomplishments, etc. when they're talking to someone face to face?
 
2012-02-06 10:11:49 AM

JustUseTheWrench: Flakeloaf: Peter von Nostrand: What were the other 198 pages about?

Penis photos.

/can't believe guys actually do that thinking it will work
//can't believe that it occasionally does

I actually just received my first penis photo from a guy I've gone on a few dates with. Nothing could have turned me off faster. Why, oh why, do some men think that the quickest way into a girl's pants is to send her unsolicited pictures of their junk? Can anyone offer any insight?


It could be because men think the greatest thing in the world is getting naked pictures of women (ex. BIE threads) and therefore women must hold the corresponding opinion. Or maybe it's because men are (generally) insecure about their penis so they want some kind of validation or compliment.
 
2012-02-06 10:13:03 AM
I prefer the whorehouse myself
 
2012-02-06 10:13:13 AM

abfalter: I also saw some of the things guys would write to her and they were laughable.


Messed up my last comment. I meant to say I get anything ranging from the "DAYYUM" message to "Let's bone." I actually had to give the second guy props for getting straight down to business.
 
2012-02-06 10:13:21 AM
I tried Plenty of Fish on-and-off for awhile and managed to get some numbers and a couple of dates, but the site is on a level of trashiness comparable to MySpace. Some of these girls are painfully dumb and just looking for attention with their iPhone-and-a-bathroom-mirror shots. Signed up on Match about a week ago and now I'm going back-and-forth with one girl at the moment; much better than POF but I hate paying for it.


RexTalionis: I also don't do it because, according to some OKCupid statistics (not exactly sure if that's exactly trustworthy or not), but Asian dudes do terribly when it comes to online dating.


Yeah I know what you're talking about; race is a big factor.
 
2012-02-06 10:13:40 AM

thornhill: Jake Havechek: People write their descriptions of what they think they are like, which is not usually the case.

How is that any different than people grossly inflating what they do for a living, their accomplishments, etc. when they're talking to someone face to face?


As a billionaire doctor and scientist of the rocket variety, I have not come across this.
 
2012-02-06 10:13:52 AM

JustUseTheWrench: Flakeloaf: Peter von Nostrand: What were the other 198 pages about?

Penis photos.

/can't believe guys actually do that thinking it will work
//can't believe that it occasionally does

I actually just received my first penis photo from a guy I've gone on a few dates with. Nothing could have turned me off faster. Why, oh why, do some men think that the quickest way into a girl's pants is to send her unsolicited pictures of their junk? Can anyone offer any insight?


Some of those guys may be less about enticing women to sleep with them, and more enjoying the taking of the picture, knowing it will be sent, and looked at. If it is well received that's fine, but there is a certain excitement to taking the picture. Not that I would know.

/fap
//knows
 
2012-02-06 10:14:16 AM

eggrolls: I've had friends try online dating for years and be constantly disappointed, then suddenly meet 'the one'. How is that any different than trolling the bars and random set ups by friends? Spend money on a membership that might give you a slight advantage in finding a compatible and interested person, or spend it on drinks & dinner for people you never had a chance with - seems to me you're gonna come out about the same.


People use online dating because they feel awkward about going up to strangers. Nothing wrong with that.

But maybe what the study really shows is that people who are awkward with off-line dating are also awkward with online dating.
 
2012-02-06 10:14:50 AM

JustUseTheWrench: Why, oh why, do some men think that the quickest way into a girl's pants is to send her unsolicited pictures of their junk? Can anyone offer any insight?


Unsolicited? That's usually a bad sign. I'd guess that less than 1% of women find male genitalia attractive. The penis is an ugly organ.

If he sent you a picture of his junk without you asking, he's either an exhibitionist, damaged or thinks he's got special junk.
 
2012-02-06 10:15:49 AM
I've been on plenty of dates with women I've met on-line and these fall into two categories:

Two per cent: She looks nothing like her photo and weighs thrice as much as I do. We have a nice brunch and call it a day
Nintey-eight per cent: A really nice person, who, like me, is independent and career-focused. Good but you can't have two people like that in a relationship.
 
2012-02-06 10:16:58 AM
Of course it works!! My best friend is on his third wife - he met all of them online!

/wait...
 
2012-02-06 10:17:20 AM

knightofargh: Unsolicited? That's usually a bad sign. I'd guess that less than 1% of women find male genitalia attractive. The penis is an ugly organ.


So, what you're saying is, I should send women the MRI scans of my brain?
 
2012-02-06 10:17:23 AM

Ed Finnerty: CapnBlues: i met my fiancee on match.com, and I was groomsman in another match.com wedding. ymmv.

Isn't that the site where women marry men only to kill them in their sleep a few years later?


I hope note - since I met my finance on there.

/please don't kill me honey
 
2012-02-06 10:17:39 AM

Toquinha: t's sorta how like the Internet has really made everything really, really disposable, which includes people and relationships.


There's an element of that disposable feeling, which I felt when I was dating online. It was kind of like an ebay for human beings. I met some crazy chicks, but none without emotional problems that complemented mine. Of course, I was trying to date in the metro D.C. area, so that was part of the problem.

I dated one woman, on and off, who eventually became the mom of my two kids, so I don't regret it. During the on and off dating, I met a great woman but who had suffered a traumatic brain injury skiiing a few years before. She was some kind of amazing spirit and kind of scattered, but we had the hottest sexual encounter(s) I've ever experienced. Now that is chemistry. I called her the karma chick. Three months after we met, she died of a seizure and that was that. Now I've got a couple of kids with the one woman, that relationship is passionless, and I'll be moving on eventually, but I'm taking care of the kids right now. But I doubt I'll go online for a companion.
 
2012-02-06 10:18:17 AM

RexTalionis: but Asian dudes do terribly when it comes to online dating


They just need to upgrade their profiles to a "Type-R"
 
2012-02-06 10:18:43 AM
It worked fine for me. I only had 4 dates that ended up being "meh" after date one and 3 that turned somewhat serious (1-3 year relationships). I never did the email back and forth thing. My message would be along the line of "Hey, I think you are interesting. Want to meet for dinner? If so, message me back." Also I would send a message an wait a week or two for a reply, so I wasn't mass mailing a bunch of people and then getting overwhelmed at the possibility of going out on multiple dates with different guys (which would stress me out). I liked focusing one at a time.

I ended up meeting my husband through a mutual circle of friends though. But I don't discount online dating as not working. I had some good relationships out of it, but in the end it is just one more way to meet people.
 
2012-02-06 10:22:13 AM

NeoBad: I prefer the whorehouse myself


Because the sex you pay for is always cheaper than the sex you get for free.

/Have never paid for sex.
 
2012-02-06 10:23:40 AM
I met my wife online more than a year ago ...

we talked for a while, in the fall of 2010, and planned to meet in person, but it fell thru and then she disappeared.

She resurfaced a few months later (after I'd briefly dated someone that I met at a bar) and we talked for a few weeks, but then she disappeared again.

Finally last July, after I'd gone back to a tech school, she texted me out of the blue (I'd even forgotten that I'd once given her my digits).

We texted for a week, then talked every night for another week and finally met at the end of the month.

We've been inseparable ever since and got married five months later in December!

(she kept disappearing because she'd had some bad online dating experiences and wanted to be sure that I wasn't some weirdo)
 
2012-02-06 10:23:42 AM
eHarmony's 29 dimensions of compatability said that my perfect soulmate was an unwed single mother from Siberia, with two kids by different fathers, and a third in the oven.

I kind of lost faith in online dating sites after that.
 
2012-02-06 10:25:46 AM
Just remember when you are biatching about taxes and high college tuition that without them studies like this would not be possible.
 
2012-02-06 10:26:17 AM
way too personal (new window)

Adventures in online dating. Check out the freaks that responded to this lady's ads.
 
2012-02-06 10:27:12 AM
Don't forget about all the Russian chicks out there, just waiting to meet a man like you...

/Grifters, most of them
 
2012-02-06 10:27:33 AM

RexTalionis: knightofargh: Unsolicited? That's usually a bad sign. I'd guess that less than 1% of women find male genitalia attractive. The penis is an ugly organ.

So, what you're saying is, I should send women the MRI scans of my brain?


Probably not. You post on Fark, so your brain is most likely not beautiful. This site is a cesspool at times.

Even a damaged brain is prettier than a man's junk.
 
2012-02-06 10:27:37 AM

guilt by association: That's because competition is tough if you're a guy. You can put yourself ahead of most guys if you have a variety of good pictures and a well-written profile.

Women get hundreds of messages every week on these websites, so they're just picky as hell and their standards are much higher.


Okc has a couple functions where people vote on your photos. A couple pics I thought were good got downvoted and some I thought were poor were upvoted. I took the hint and adjusted.

Dear other guys: don't list every movie you like,especially if they are all top 10 movies everyone likes. Sometimes when reading a profile you find that you actually know everything there is to know about the person.

Other plug for okc: they have a function where people answer a question like "I drink my own pee, or i've had incest" and you look at head to head pics to guess which one. You'd be surprised how easy it becomes to spot the deviants.
 
2012-02-06 10:30:25 AM

HotIgneous Intruder: neversubmit: "Dating" How quaint. What next a 400 page paper showing that going steady is hard?

I think I could milk a 20-year academic career out of "studying" "diversity" in online relationships.


encrypted-tbn0.google.com
 
2012-02-06 10:30:44 AM

knightofargh: RexTalionis: knightofargh: Unsolicited? That's usually a bad sign. I'd guess that less than 1% of women find male genitalia attractive. The penis is an ugly organ.

So, what you're saying is, I should send women the MRI scans of my brain?

Probably not. You post on Fark, so your brain is most likely not beautiful. This site is a cesspool at times.

Even a damaged brain is prettier than a man's junk.


I think my brain looks fine. I'd post a picture to prove it, but I left my MRI discs at home.
 
2012-02-06 10:34:15 AM

urger: Ed Finnerty: CapnBlues: i met my fiancee on match.com, and I was groomsman in another match.com wedding. ymmv.

Isn't that the site where women marry men only to kill them in their sleep a few years later?

I hope not - since I met my finance on there.

/please don't kill me honey


I'm just teasing.
 
2012-02-06 10:34:33 AM

JustUseTheWrench: I get anything ranging from the "DAYYUM" message to "Let's bone." I actually had to give the second guy props for getting straight down to business.


Sometimes it's quite easy to see why people have difficulty in their relationships. Starting a conversation with a stranger with one of those lines is a pretty strong indicator. I'm a guy, so I don't get messages quite like that, but I actually find it nice that I can weed out the losers quickly and move on.

/Also, you sound hot
//obligatory
 
2012-02-06 10:35:44 AM
No matter where you swim, the dating pool has always been severely soiled.
 
2012-02-06 10:35:55 AM
images3.wikia.nocookie.net
 
2012-02-06 10:36:21 AM

KatjaMouse: My sister has been meeting guys both online and in real life settings and has struck out every time. Two weeks ago she met a pro-athlete in a bar who spent a week wooing her until my sister found out he was married. From his wife. A month before she met a decent guy online who was charming and attractive and then found out he was married. From his... you know... his wife. She wonders if she has 'Mistress Material' tattooed to her forehead that can only be seen by jerks and assholes.

I don't think that's the case because I pointed out to her that this is no different from the typical jerks and assholes she meets that are single.


Before going out on any of the dates, she should get the guy's name and check the recorder's office/assessor's office for any indication of marriage. (many recorders/assessors are online)
Also try googling the guy's name --you'd be amazed what you can find.

In regards to whether a person is married or not, online vs bar is no different. However, with online dating you can do a little research before things get physical.
 
2012-02-06 10:36:27 AM

BurnShrike: JustUseTheWrench: I get anything ranging from the "DAYYUM" message to "Let's bone." I actually had to give the second guy props for getting straight down to business.

Sometimes it's quite easy to see why people have difficulty in their relationships. Starting a conversation with a stranger with one of those lines is a pretty strong indicator. I'm a guy, so I don't get messages quite like that, but I actually find it nice that I can weed out the losers quickly and move on.

/Also, you sound hot
//obligatory


At least you got beyond the two-syllable response that she typically gets. No doubt a point in your favor.
 
2012-02-06 10:37:15 AM
Why all the penis hate? Most of you like or full-bore love the kawk, either way, and those of you who don't love it have fake ones to take their places.

/What is this, a [insert favorite group of prudes here] thread?
//Too early in the day?
///Too sober?
 
2012-02-06 10:37:27 AM
i291.photobucket.com
 
2012-02-06 10:37:58 AM

RexTalionis: I think my brain looks fine. I'd post a picture to prove it, but I left my MRI discs at home.


I think I could have some great fun trolling people by asking if they wanted to "see my organ" and then sending them an ultrasound image or my liver or something. But since I don't have access to devices capable of taking such images (nor have I had open body surgery where a photo could be snapped) I have to settle with taking pictures of my external organs. "Hey baby wanna see the skin on my arms?" isn't much of a pick-up line. (Although, the skin on my arms is very soft...)
 
2012-02-06 10:40:47 AM

BurnShrike: RexTalionis: I think my brain looks fine. I'd post a picture to prove it, but I left my MRI discs at home.

I think I could have some great fun trolling people by asking if they wanted to "see my organ" and then sending them an ultrasound image or my liver or something. But since I don't have access to devices capable of taking such images (nor have I had open body surgery where a photo could be snapped) I have to settle with taking pictures of my external organs. "Hey baby wanna see the skin on my arms?" isn't much of a pick-up line. (Although, the skin on my arms is very soft...)


A little ingenuity and a scalpel can take care of that problem right there.
 
2012-02-06 10:41:05 AM

RexTalionis: BurnShrike: /Also, you sound hot
//obligatory

At least you got beyond the two-syllable response that she typically gets. No doubt a point in your favor.


Look Mister, I don't need you pointing out my hypocrisy.

And anyway, it's different here. I'm not trying to pick her up. I'm just trying to get boobie pics. Is that so wrong?
 
2012-02-06 10:42:57 AM

RexTalionis: BurnShrike: RexTalionis: I think my brain looks fine. I'd post a picture to prove it, but I left my MRI discs at home.

I think I could have some great fun trolling people by asking if they wanted to "see my organ" and then sending them an ultrasound image or my liver or something. But since I don't have access to devices capable of taking such images (nor have I had open body surgery where a photo could be snapped) I have to settle with taking pictures of my external organs. "Hey baby wanna see the skin on my arms?" isn't much of a pick-up line. (Although, the skin on my arms is very soft...)

A little ingenuity and a scalpel can take care of that problem right there.


Right. All he needs to do is get across the border and head to Ohio. I'll do him a favor and open him up like a Taun-Taun and take photos for his dating profile.

/I'm a giving member of the community
 
2012-02-06 10:43:54 AM

RexTalionis: BurnShrike: I think I could have some great fun trolling people by asking if they wanted to "see my organ" and then sending them an ultrasound image or my liver or something. But since I don't have access to devices capable of taking such images (nor have I had open body surgery where a photo could be snapped) I have to settle with taking pictures of my external organs. "Hey baby wanna see the skin on my arms?" isn't much of a pick-up line. (Although, the skin on my arms is very soft...)

A little ingenuity and a scalpel can take care of that problem right there.


I'm not sure starting off my messages with "I cut myself open for you-- wanna see?" would be a tremendous help with the ladies. But I like your dedication.
 
2012-02-06 10:44:08 AM

BurnShrike: "Hey baby wanna see the skin on my arms?"


actually, your skin is your bodies biggest organ.
 
2012-02-06 10:45:18 AM

HotIgneous Intruder: Don't forget about all the Russian chicks out there, just waiting to meet a man like you...

/Grifters, most of them


Meh. Russian chicks go from manic hot women, to raging psycho hosebeasts, to babushkas.
 
2012-02-06 10:46:03 AM

Burr: BurnShrike: "Hey baby wanna see the skin on my arms?"

actually, your skin is your bodies biggest organ.


I know it is. That's why I mentioned it. But people outside the middle east aren't exactly desperate to see it.
 
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