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(Washington Post)   Academic experts release 200 page paper showing that online dating doesn't always go well   (washingtonpost.com ) divider line
    More: Obvious, online dating, village elders, objectification, dating  
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8761 clicks; posted to Main » on 06 Feb 2012 at 9:34 AM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-02-06 08:53:23 AM  
What were the other 198 pages about?
 
2012-02-06 08:54:49 AM  
Can we call people who do this sort of thing something other than "scientists"?
 
2012-02-06 09:06:25 AM  
You know, people have told me that I should do online dating, but I've always refused because I'm afraid that I'd attract the type of person who would stab me while I sleep and then use my carcass for some sort of avante-garde art installation.
 
2012-02-06 09:33:17 AM  

RexTalionis: You know, people have told me that I should do online dating, but I've always refused because I'm afraid that I'd attract the type of person who would stab me while I sleep and then use my carcass for some sort of avante-garde art installation.


Meh, those people are easy to pick out. They always have "I'm a girly-girl who likes to go out or just stay home and cuddle" in their profiles.
 
2012-02-06 09:37:24 AM  

Peter von Nostrand: What were the other 198 pages about?


Penis photos.

/can't believe guys actually do that thinking it will work
//can't believe that it occasionally does
 
2012-02-06 09:38:47 AM  
My mother occassionally calls up and asks why I'm not married yet. She'll eventually get around to mentioning that I should try one of these online dating sites. That's when I say "Didn't cousin Pam meet her last three husbands on one of those things?"
 
2012-02-06 09:39:32 AM  
I can reduce that 200 page report to one word:

PEBCAK.

You may thank me now.
 
2012-02-06 09:39:48 AM  
I've had friends try online dating for years and be constantly disappointed, then suddenly meet 'the one'. How is that any different than trolling the bars and random set ups by friends? Spend money on a membership that might give you a slight advantage in finding a compatible and interested person, or spend it on drinks & dinner for people you never had a chance with - seems to me you're gonna come out about the same.
 
2012-02-06 09:40:12 AM  

Karac: My mother occassionally calls up and asks why I'm not married yet. She'll eventually get around to mentioning that I should try one of these online dating sites. That's when I say "Didn't cousin Pam meet her last three husbands on one of those things?"


Pam is such a slut.
 
2012-02-06 09:40:21 AM  

RexTalionis: You know, people have told me that I should do online dating, but I've always refused because I'm afraid that I'd attract the type of person who would stab me while I sleep and then use my carcass for some sort of avante-garde art installation.


"And I thought he smelled bad on the outside..."
 
2012-02-06 09:41:02 AM  
It's not like meeting people in a bar and such is a whole lot different. The dating pool is the dating pool, however you go about it.
 
2012-02-06 09:41:19 AM  

RexTalionis: You know, people have told me that I should do online dating, but I've always refused because I'm afraid that I'd attract the type of person who would stab me while I sleep and then use my carcass for some sort of avante-garde art installation.


Same here.
 
2012-02-06 09:42:22 AM  
Met current SO on OKC, over 1.5 years and going strong. It's not for everyone but it can work for you if you're not an asshole. In other words, same as going to a bar on Friday night.
 
2012-02-06 09:43:26 AM  
People write their descriptions of what they think they are like, which is not usually the case.
 
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2012-02-06 09:44:42 AM  
Monika Lupean, a 54-year-old yoga instructor from Maryland, has experienced that problem repeatedly in her four years of online dating. "It seems like the more I have in common with someone on paper, the less I actually have in common with them in person," she says. Once, she met a man online who was a yoga enthusiast who owned the same books she did. "We met in person, and there was actually no chemistry."

Unlike Isaac Asimov, I don't want a clone of myself. I want a woman who is complementary to me.
 
2012-02-06 09:44:53 AM  
I do a ton of online dating, but mostly to meet women that will lend me money.
 
2012-02-06 09:45:15 AM  
I'd probably have to resort to online dating if I were in the market. I dislike bars and prefer to avoid the flakes I encounter in my hobbies.

Of course I have more selection now, apparently a wedding band triggers women to approach me.
 
2012-02-06 09:45:25 AM  

Ed Finnerty: Karac: My mother occassionally calls up and asks why I'm not married yet. She'll eventually get around to mentioning that I should try one of these online dating sites. That's when I say "Didn't cousin Pam meet her last three husbands on one of those things?"

Pam is such a slut.


As one of her ex-husbands, I can verify that remark.
 
2012-02-06 09:45:47 AM  
BUT, online sex is the goodness
 
2012-02-06 09:46:47 AM  

Karac: My mother occassionally calls up and asks why I'm not married yet


Oh jeez, that would suck. That's probably the cause of a lot of divorce, parents pressuring their kids to get married at a certain age. Glad mine aren't like that. I guess it happens more to daughters though.
 
2012-02-06 09:47:09 AM  
It definitely made hit-and-run dating easier. Where you pick the person up for sex and then drop them when you get bored and move on to the next.
 
2012-02-06 09:47:52 AM  
I'm 16 years into my last online relationship. It's going pretty well so far. Married for 12 and a half years, three kids (out of two pregnancies) and a sex life that gives me the quizzical dog look when I read what other married farkers have to go through (poor fellas).

Then again, I've been hooking up online since my BBS days, and it really is a cointoss. Sometimes it really helps to be able to see a mad gleam in someone's eye when you're trying to figure out if they have the crazy. What can sound quirky, funny and cute in an online conversation sometimes turns out to be a warning sign that you would have picked up on had you been able to see the seriousness with which these things were said.
 
2012-02-06 09:47:57 AM  

Jake Havechek: People write their descriptions of what they think they are like, which is not usually the case.


You can avoid a lot of trouble by putting something like this in your profile:

"I only want to date honest people. Liars need not apply."

Dishonest people will leave you alone if you do that.
 
2012-02-06 09:48:06 AM  

ZAZ: Monika Lupean, a 54-year-old yoga instructor from Maryland, has experienced that problem repeatedly in her four years of online dating. "It seems like the more I have in common with someone on paper, the less I actually have in common with them in person," she says. Once, she met a man online who was a yoga enthusiast who owned the same books she did. "We met in person, and there was actually no chemistry."

Unlike Isaac Asimov, I don't want a clone of myself. I want a woman who is complementary to me.


What purpose would a 54-year-pld woman having chemistry serve? No kids are going to be had there. It's not going to be a sexual mating match.

/Yeah, I know, I know.
 
2012-02-06 09:48:36 AM  

Mugato: Karac: My mother occassionally calls up and asks why I'm not married yet

Oh jeez, that would suck. That's probably the cause of a lot of divorce, parents pressuring their kids to get married at a certain age. Glad mine aren't like that. I guess it happens more to daughters though.


Yeah, her other question is "When am I going to get grandchildren?" The answer to which is "For all I know, you've got a few already."
 
2012-02-06 09:48:39 AM  

Mugato: Can we call people who do this sort of thing something other than "scientists"?


Yeah, the term "scientist" hasn't meant much since they started letting astrologers and climatologists use it.

/"researcher" works for me
 
2012-02-06 09:49:12 AM  
Why pay for membership when you can meet people anywhere? Like Fark, for instance. Uh. Not that I've met anyone here. But it's possible, in theory. (Hey ladies, EIP)

The people you meet online are the same ones you'll meet walking down the street. Some of them are crazy; some will lie to you; some are assholes; and some are really nice people.
 
2012-02-06 09:50:20 AM  

BurnShrike: Why pay for membership when you can meet people anywhere? Like Fark, for instance. Uh. Not that I've met anyone here. But it's possible, in theory. (Hey ladies, EIP)

The people you meet online are the same ones you'll meet walking down the street. Some of them are crazy; some will lie to you; some are assholes; and some are really nice people.


I think there's a higher percentage of the crazy represented online. After all, I'm here to drag up the average.

/Not really crazy.
 
2012-02-06 09:50:42 AM  
"Dating" How quaint. What next a 400 page paper showing that going steady is hard?
 
2012-02-06 09:50:52 AM  
My sister has been meeting guys both online and in real life settings and has struck out every time. Two weeks ago she met a pro-athlete in a bar who spent a week wooing her until my sister found out he was married. From his wife. A month before she met a decent guy online who was charming and attractive and then found out he was married. From his... you know... his wife. She wonders if she has 'Mistress Material' tattooed to her forehead that can only be seen by jerks and assholes.

I don't think that's the case because I pointed out to her that this is no different from the typical jerks and assholes she meets that are single.
 
2012-02-06 09:52:13 AM  

markfara: It's not like meeting people in a bar and such is a whole lot different. The dating pool is the dating pool, however you go about it.


Well, as there's been a mainstream shift in where the bulk of the "dating pool" comes from (as the article says), yes, that's very true. It wasn't that way though, say about 10-15 years ago- when only the "weirdos" used that there new-fangled intertube thing to find dates.

And to be honest, there were some real weirdos. Less though, than I'd say there are now. Moral of the story: people ruin everything.

That said, it's where I met my wife (known each other for nearly 12 years, been married for five) back when a lot of dating/personals sites were still (~gasp~) free because the companies running them didn't see the market in them... yet.
 
2012-02-06 09:52:20 AM  
Offline dating still has a flawless track record?
 
2012-02-06 09:52:59 AM  

RexTalionis: BurnShrike: The people you meet online are the same ones you'll meet walking down the street. Some of them are crazy; some will lie to you; some are assholes; and some are really nice people.

I think there's a higher percentage of the crazy represented online. After all, I'm here to drag up the average.

/Not really crazy.


I think it's partially true. Some of the more reclusive crazy ones don't go out much, or at all, so you wouldn't tend to meet them on the street.

/is one of the aforementioned reclusive crazy ones
/I'm employed, so I go outside for that, but very little else
 
2012-02-06 09:54:08 AM  
That's because competition is tough if you're a guy. You can put yourself ahead of most guys if you have a variety of good pictures and a well-written profile.

Women get hundreds of messages every week on these websites, so they're just picky as hell and their standards are much higher.
 
2012-02-06 09:54:11 AM  
There are any number of risks associated with dating strangers.
 
2012-02-06 09:54:22 AM  

KatjaMouse: My sister has been meeting guys both online and in real life settings and has struck out every time. Two weeks ago she met a pro-athlete in a bar who spent a week wooing her until my sister found out he was married. From his wife. A month before she met a decent guy online who was charming and attractive and then found out he was married. From his... you know... his wife. She wonders if she has 'Mistress Material' tattooed to her forehead that can only be seen by jerks and assholes.

I don't think that's the case because I pointed out to her that this is no different from the typical jerks and assholes she meets that are single.


Sounds like she needs to meet some guys whose wives aren't so nosey.
 
2012-02-06 09:54:39 AM  

KatjaMouse: My sister has been meeting guys both online and in real life settings and has struck out every time. Two weeks ago she met a pro-athlete in a bar who spent a week wooing her until my sister found out he was married. From his wife. A month before she met a decent guy online who was charming and attractive and then found out he was married. From his... you know... his wife. She wonders if she has 'Mistress Material' tattooed to her forehead that can only be seen by jerks and assholes.

I don't think that's the case because I pointed out to her that this is no different from the typical jerks and assholes she meets that are single.


Your sister sounds hot.
 
2012-02-06 09:54:59 AM  
Online dating has its pros and cons, meta-analysis says
 
2012-02-06 09:55:05 AM  

Flakeloaf: Peter von Nostrand: What were the other 198 pages about?

Penis photos.

/can't believe guys actually do that thinking it will work
//can't believe that it occasionally does


I actually just received my first penis photo from a guy I've gone on a few dates with. Nothing could have turned me off faster. Why, oh why, do some men think that the quickest way into a girl's pants is to send her unsolicited pictures of their junk? Can anyone offer any insight?
 
2012-02-06 09:55:19 AM  

eggrolls: I've had friends try online dating for years and be constantly disappointed, then suddenly meet 'the one'. How is that any different than trolling the bars and random set ups by friends? Spend money on a membership that might give you a slight advantage in finding a compatible and interested person, or spend it on drinks & dinner for people you never had a chance with - seems to me you're gonna come out about the same.


Well, the one features food and drink. (Believe it or not, those can lend a slight advantage, as well. You may find a compatible and interested person if you're into things like food and drink.)
 
2012-02-06 09:55:46 AM  
I have to say that my online dating experiences were overwhelmingly positive.

I was divorced after a long marriage. I joined a few sites (some free, some with a fee) and posted recent pictures along with a detailed and very, very open and honest profile. I figured that it was best to be honest up front; perhaps less dates that way but the quality of the dates would be better.

The initial summer of dating was quite a bit of fun. I had a few dozen different dates and none of them were overwhelmingly bad. A few were uninteresting.

I had two relationships out of this. One for several months (before she unfortunately passed away, which is too long of a story to go into here). And the other is my current wife, whom I love very much and whom I would not have met were it not for online dating.

I think my attitude helped a lot to make it a positive experience. As I said, I was very open and honest because I wanted the girls to like me for who I am and not anything made up or concealed.

I also thought it was a great filter, of sorts. I read through a lot of women's profiles and found various things that made me realize that a relationship would not work with them.

And the fact that I was looking for a relationship instead of just sex. Not to say that I didn't enjoy a lot of sex during the search for the right partner. *grin* But I never pushed for it, and it was not my main goal. The dates were, in effect, potential-relationship interviews.

So I have heard horror stories, and I believe them. But I think someone on this thread needs to say to people reading this who are thinking of using them that the sites can be a good experience.

My advice to them:

- Be open and honest. Even if you get less dates from it.
- Take what folks say with a grain of salt.
- Take things as they come.
- Take rejection impersonally. If someone is not interested, it is good to find that out early.
- Take a chance. She might seem out of your league, but if you don't take a chance you might not find her. I took a chance and it paid off wonderfully.
 
2012-02-06 09:56:21 AM  

guilt by association: That's because competition is tough if you're a guy. You can put yourself ahead of most guys if you have a variety of good pictures and a well-written profile.

Women get hundreds of messages every week on these websites, so they're just picky as hell and their standards are much higher.


I also don't do it because, according to some OKCupid statistics (not exactly sure if that's exactly trustworthy or not), but Asian dudes do terribly when it comes to online dating.
 
2012-02-06 09:56:31 AM  
Mugato:
Can we call people who do this sort of thing something other than "scientists"?

Sociologists?
 
2012-02-06 09:57:24 AM  

JustUseTheWrench: Flakeloaf: Peter von Nostrand: What were the other 198 pages about?

Penis photos.

/can't believe guys actually do that thinking it will work
//can't believe that it occasionally does

I actually just received my first penis photo from a guy I've gone on a few dates with. Nothing could have turned me off faster. Why, oh why, do some men think that the quickest way into a girl's pants is to send her unsolicited pictures of their junk? Can anyone offer any insight?


Um, emotional retardation?
 
2012-02-06 09:57:27 AM  

JustUseTheWrench: I actually just received my first penis photo from a guy I've gone on a few dates with. Nothing could have turned me off faster. Why, oh why, do some men think that the quickest way into a girl's pants is to send her unsolicited pictures of their junk? Can anyone offer any insight?


I honestly have no idea. No one wants to see a penis. They're ugly little things, aren't they?
 
2012-02-06 09:57:35 AM  

neversubmit: "Dating" How quaint. What next a 400 page paper showing that going steady is hard?


I think I could milk a 20-year academic career out of "studying" "diversity" in online relationships.
 
2012-02-06 09:58:20 AM  

BurnShrike: JustUseTheWrench: I actually just received my first penis photo from a guy I've gone on a few dates with. Nothing could have turned me off faster. Why, oh why, do some men think that the quickest way into a girl's pants is to send her unsolicited pictures of their junk? Can anyone offer any insight?

I honestly have no idea. No one wants to see a penis. They're ugly little things, aren't they?


Speak for yourself!!
 
2012-02-06 09:59:13 AM  

KatjaMouse: My sister has been meeting guys both online and in real life settings and has struck out every time. Two weeks ago she met a pro-athlete in a bar who spent a week wooing her until my sister found out he was married. From his wife. A month before she met a decent guy online who was charming and attractive and then found out he was married. From his... you know... his wife. She wonders if she has 'Mistress Material' tattooed to her forehead that can only be seen by jerks and assholes.

I don't think that's the case because I pointed out to her that this is no different from the typical jerks and assholes she meets that are single.


The only common denominator in that system is her.

She ends up with jerks and assholes because she is attracted to jerks and assholes.

As for the article on hand...

When I was between women I would use a couple of sites but it really was a crapshoot. I met a lot of people but I knew the chance of success was much lower since I didn't really know them. Online profiles are all a bunch of BS anyway. Hell, I admit mine was as well.

In the end I met my fiance through some friends. We were all hanging out at a bar. Go figure.

Getting married in august and hopefully will never have to do the dating scene again
 
2012-02-06 09:59:28 AM  

markfara: You can avoid a lot of trouble by putting something like this in your profile:

"I only want to date honest people. Liars need not apply."

Dishonest people will leave you alone if you do that.



I think something along the lines of "I love to laugh" keeps away the large percentage of folks that HATE laughing.
 
2012-02-06 10:00:16 AM  

JustUseTheWrench: Flakeloaf: Peter von Nostrand: What were the other 198 pages about?

Penis photos.

/can't believe guys actually do that thinking it will work
//can't believe that it occasionally does

I actually just received my first penis photo from a guy I've gone on a few dates with. Nothing could have turned me off faster. Why, oh why, do some men think that the quickest way into a girl's pants is to send her unsolicited pictures of their junk? Can anyone offer any insight?


I have a girl friend (not a girlfriend) who actually kept all the penis pictures in a little folder on her computer. She eventually started to mess with the guys and asked for ones with her name written on it and they actually complied. In her words "I am not impressed by a penis. Every guy has one. Unless it is some monster you probably have nothing to brag about."

The best thing is she had a couple of guys send her THE SAME PICTURE, which she was able to find on Google with a pretty simple image search.

It boggles the mind to think that there are men out there that think, somehow, this will work out well for them.

I also saw some of the things guys would write to her and they were laughable.
 
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