Uhm, yea...that's not one of them

Yes, it really is.

Santorum

If you put it on a cat's ass it makes it much easier for the cat

Of course not, that's what a stick of butter is for - right Mr. Brando?

and all their winders fell out!

Does anyone actually jerk off with petroleum jelly? seems like the grossest shiat to me...

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback.

He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all.

My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

Eject wax from candlesticks

Well duh, everyone knows that.

Maybe use it as a substitute, when you're out of butter and you need to butter the floor?

Link (new window)

27. Awesome hairstyles

SevenYearHawk: A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback.

He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all.

My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

This joke's so old it's collecting a pension.

I've read Navy SEALs cover their firearms with it, typically a 357 Magnum stainless revolver.

And 1980 called and wants its sex lube back. Once you've used something like Astroglide, you don't go back to PJ.

kingoomieiii

"Stop battery terminal corrosion"

Yeah, they're talking about car batteries. You idiots know petroleum jelly burns, right?

Don't use so much then, been doing it for 20 years.

Protection against teargas and pepper spray?

You know, for those romantic evenings.

"Uhm, yea...that's not one of them"

Then there should have been 27 things.


moops: 27. Awesome hairstyles

[3.bp.blogspot.com image 400x126]

LMAO. One of my favorite old Calvin and Hobbes strips.

/knows what to do with all that petroleum jelly
//shamelessly hotlinked

kingoomieiii: "Stop battery terminal corrosion"

Yeah, they're talking about car batteries. You idiots know petroleum jelly burns, right?

There is a warning on the bottle:

Not for use on blue dart night.

Headso: Does anyone actually jerk off with petroleum jelly? seems like the grossest shiat to me...

Not compared to swallowing a mug full of donkey semen

If your nose is dry, it's a pretty good way to keep it moist. More effective than Sterimar or other gels.

The battery thing is a good idea, I've seen it on massive deep cycle battery arrays for backup systems (household). If it catches fire it's because you have a larger problem and are probably upside down in a car that just hit a phone pole.

xterraadam: I use it for camping firestarters, you dip cotton balls in it and it makes the best tinder ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qq5ptJA2sY

Dryer lint works well to.

Use instead of gel or pomade for a modern greaser look.

Speak for yourself, prude.
/fap

It's great for moisturizing your nails and giving them a little shine without having to break out the nail polish

I think an oil company exec came up with this list. Why else would a person push that hard for the use of that nasty bi-product of oil production.

Smear some on the lens filter of your old SLR, and make a Bob Guccione retrospective with your girlfriend.

StanTheMan: I've read Navy SEALs cover their firearms with it, typically a 357 Magnum stainless revolver.

And 1980 called and wants its sex lube back. Once you've used something like Astroglide, you don't go back to PJ.

Astroglide? That shiat is so low-rent. Wet Platinum brand lube is where it's at.

martid4: Whatever you do, never, ever put it in you hair to spike in up for Halloween. That shiat takes forever to get out, weeks.

Yep, did that when I was a kid for kicks. I put in half a jar and it wouldn't come out no matter how hard my mom combed it. My dad put cat litter in my hair, thinking it would absorb the petroleum jelly.

I was an unhappy kid that night, sitting in the bathtub with hair full of vaseline and cat litter.

I was an utility porter at the Bellagio Hotel & Casino here in Las Vegas when I started smearing the tops of my safety cones with a little petroleum jelly. The reason I was doing that was because too many rowdy drunks from the newly opened nightclub were messing with them.

See, I was running carpet extractors and polishing marble and our safety rules demanded that I place these safety cones around the area I was working on. But too many guests were knocking the safety cones over, carrying them away, wearing them like hats, and using something that had been resting on a dirty restroom floor as a megaphone (Ewww!). So one night as I was applying lip balm to my lips, a light bulb went on over my head and I smeared some petroleum jelly on top of my safety cones.

It worked real well at first, some idiot would pick up a safety cone and then drop it in disgust. But then one night, this smashed Schwarzenegger-class melon smuggler picked up a cone to do the old megaphone bit and got the petroleum jelly all over his face and lips. He dropped the cone and stared at me. I then told him that he shouldn't do things like that because we don't know where these safety cones have been and this is why we PAD folk get hepatitis shots.

The melon smuggler PLOTZED! He started to run around and around in a circle, hollering his head off, until he ran into a column, knocking himself out. After he came to, fortunately for me, he couldn't remember zip.

i always use it on my o-rings.

your average maint. man: i always use it on my o-rings.

mechanical wise of course......

so when i clicked on the comment thread it told me the link was approved only for TF subscribers only and would be released in 14450 days -- that is to say almost 40 years.

Its gone now but i was impressed.

Coelacanth



Cool story bro

/not sure how to type his accent

mikefinch: so when i clicked on the comment thread it told me the link was approved only for TF subscribers only and would be released in 14450 days -- that is to say almost 40 years.

Its gone now but i was impressed.

The "Komen vs. Planned Parenthood" article was the same way, and now it's gone.

Watch two girls in cheap lingerie smear it all over each other until it devolves into a slap-and-tickle fight with each one tearing the other's outfit to trashy rags in an effort to get slime *everywhere*?

*checks list*

Dammit.

works as anal bleach as well. apply nightly for a week for pink winking pucker

Russ1642: lokisbong: I think an oil company exec came up with this list. Why else would a person push that hard for the use of that nasty bi-product of oil production.

Nasty?

Yes nasty. I think it smells nasty and it feels pretty nasty on my skin too. I don't like feeling all greasy and that's exactly the sensation I get when I use even a small amount that's in most chapstick like products. it is just my opinion though. You can go ahead and slather it on everything you use for all I care..