I just had another winner of a brutal first date tonight.

Just epic, like there is not enough beer on the planet to wipe tonight's Greek tragedy out of my head. Like the whole thing should have been narrated by the guy who does, "America's Most Wanted". These are no longer dates, they are painfully grilling job interviews for companies I don't even want to work for. At this point I'm starting to look around mid-date for Ashton Kutcher and the crew from Punk'd.

I've had more relaxing and carefree nights getting audited by the IRS while the Gimp from Pulp Fiction dry-anal-rapes me. Glad I went through all the effort of actually dressing nice for a change and putting together an entertaining evening...

I think the next time I think I might desire to set up a date based on one of these online dating websites I will instead go down to the garage, grab my needlenose pliers, jam them into a nostril gripping as much hair as possible, and yank hard. It will save me a great deal of time, quite a bit of money, and be far less painful.

Keep your day job.

Telling us about the story without any actual details of the story? You're not the only one feeling punk'd here, highanddrymitter.

Consider it this way. Even though the dates are terrible, at least you are getting dates.

Punk'd and Pulp Fiction references? Your pop culture touchstone might need a polish. Hey, I got two words for you, subby: you do the math!

I sent pictures of my dick to a bunch of TFettes but none replied

balisane: Telling us about the story without any actual details of the story? You're not the only one feeling punk'd here, highanddrymitter.

Crudbucket: Punk'd and Pulp Fiction references? Your pop culture touchstone might need a polish. Hey, I got two words for you, subby: you do the math!

optikeye: Keep your day job.

I think that about sums it up Sheckymitter

You sound too concerned about yourself to date.

No_47: I sent pictures of my dick to a bunch of TFettes but none replied

That was your dick? Next time include an object to provide some scale. I wasn't sure if I was looking at a deformed slug or a flesh-toned Hindenburg.

Impending Broom: In Rahway, NJ, I got a 45-minute hummer that made me wonder if her ancestry was linked with sharks. So many teeth, so much pain. Nice girl, though. Well-meaning.

I think she was doing it wrong there, dude.

Also, why did you let this dental BJ run on for 45 minutes? Don't come here and complain you had moral objections to her technique. Maybe she had incisor information guys like the feeling of fillings scrapping along their Johnson.

/My penis is NOT dental floss.

NIXON YOU DOLT!!!!!: So bogus TFD threads are the hip new way to pad your greenlight count?

I suppose it would be if subby made that decision.

Her picture was 15 years and 50 pounds out of date, had a different first name, failed to mention her 10 year old kid. Oh, and failed to mention she was batshiat crazy.

This wasn't an online dating thing, but I went on a date with a transman (female-to-male transsexual) I'd met. He was a nice guy and I thought it'd be interesting to get to know him better, so when he asked me out, I said yes.

However, he was incredibly socially awkward. I'm fairly socially awkward myself, so I allow a generous amount of leeway on this in other people. But this was beyond my limits.

When we first talked, he told me that he was into Roman reenactment. It's sort of like SCA but for people into Ancient Rome. They dress in togas and gladiator armor and have battles. Geeky as hell, but since I was interested in Ancient Rome, I was curious to learn more.

He asked me to go to a movie with him. Oliver Stone's "Alexander" (Alexander the Great biopic). He'd seen it before and said it was his one of his favorite movies. The film was 3 hours long and TERRIBLE. Just long, boring, and crap.

In addition, before the movie, he'd brought an entire photo album of him in his gladiator/Roman re-enactment gear. Not a camera full of photos. An actual photo album to the movie theater. Weird...but to be fair to him, I'd expressed interest in learning more.

It was interesting but after 30 minutes, I was ready for a different topic of conversation. So, I tried politely several times to change the topic. He kept on bringing it back to Roman re-enactment and gladiator stuff. For the entire evening, that was literally all he talked about.

I didn't go on a second date with him. I felt bad because he really was a nice guy. But there was no way I was going to endure a 2nd date. Between the gladiator stuff and the terrible (and terribly long) movie, it was over.

This one biatch wouldn't look at my cool Roman re-enactment photos during Troy.

Met my current SO online, we've been together almost a year. Might get married to her. Previous SO was also an internet hookup, we went out for about 5 months.

I'm holding out for Chuck Woolery to resurrect "Love Connection" before I return to the dating pool.

Only one.After the last online dating thread I signed up to look at the human circus. Most of these people are extremely deluded and demanding. But then I ran across one profile.

We started talking and a month or so later we finally meet at a gallery reception. She's cool with that. Most of my money was tied up in a friend's wedding and she just got fired for taking too many days off (she said it was for funerals). We don't drink because she said she had a problem with it and stopped. All right, self-control. That's cool.

So about 2 weeks later she comes over and we watch movies & listen to music. We start talking about over-sensitivities that are shared almost as part of a culture for some demographics. I mention that I know a Jew named Chiam that makes fun of pretty much every social and ethnic group (we would do it together). Oh, she knows a guy named Chiam, too. His Facebook profile is of a sociopathic-looking Muhammad. Well, damn, come look at this: he was 25 feet from where we had been sitting! She knew my housemate. I like her. Cool.

We're talking and I invite her over for dinner. After I get the groceries she texts and says her friend's car broke down and she is going to pick her up. I was running a bit late and didn't have a problem with this. But when I was done cooking she still hadn't shown up. Turns out she meant that she wasn't coming at all. OK, we reschedule for Satturday. I text Friday to make sure she's coming. Nope -reschedule for Monday. Monday comes around and she doesn't even text me, but I do about 90 minutes prior. Oh, she's too tired now.

I ask a few people about her. Turns out she wasn't too truthful with me. She knew him from NA. I was even OK when I found out she had a kid. A 7 year old kid. And she's 28. Well, Chiam is cool and he got over his drug abuse. I'll give it a chance. And six weeks go by with her saying she'll make time when she's not at work or with her kid. I actually had asked in the interim about this reschedule and she was adamant about it. Well, when we found out that we both knew Marcus she added me on Facebook as well. And the last 2 weeks she was posting things about where she's going out and randomly inviting people. Me not included. This was to more than 1 event. I finally sent her a message asking if she had any plans to actually follow through with her reschedule. By the next day I hadn't received a response, so I sent her a message saying that I didn't appreciate it and that I didn't want continue to associate with her. OH SHE MAD!

Yeah, that got her attention. I get some angry texts. My favorite one was the one claiming that I was clingy. Hmmm... putting up with 3 cancels and 6 weeks of procrastination as well as evidence that she wasn't even trying to fulfill the obligation she had made and maybe 3 texts in the final 2 weeks means I'm clingy. Yeah, that makes sense. .That and she used the phrase "Have a nice life." Aside from that being completely immature, I had already expressed my desire to no longer have contact with her. I even mentioned that I had deleted all messages and contact information (about a week prior I had already removed her from my FB News Feed). What was she attempting to do? What was her goal? To make me not want to have contact with her? I had already expressed that I did not wish to be associated with her any longer. That statement just made no sense to me, and seemed rather retaliatory.

Well, I respond thoughtfully and almost with a complete lack of emotion. I attempt to be succinct. It turned out to be a few messages that were quite long. I get one response: she tells me she was just deleting them. My only response was that it was immature or something like that. At least I had been considerate enough to read the messages she had sent to me after I had told her that I didn't want to have anything to do with her. And I even politely responded to them.

So, let's see: doesn't tell me she has a kid, lies about her substance abuse history, cancels without giving me proper notice, procrastinates and fulfilling an obligation for 6 weeks, spends her free time going out with others and posts about it on Facebook all the while telling me that she'll reschedule... and then when I call her on her bullshiat she goes apenuts. Yeah, she seems well balanced.

Funny thing is, she was also FB friends with someone else everyone in my house knew - and we all knew he was back spikin smack. Hmmm...

/after I got drunk with my roomie I sent her an angry message on FB calling her a junkie and had copied all the texts that she said she ignored onto it as well
//OK, I feel like a dick for that one
///I was pretty drunk
////still not cool

A friend set me up with a guy a few months ago who she swore would be perfect for me. He was older, had a decent career, was apparently very funny and seemed like a good guy on paper, so I agreed.

We went out for dinner and the whole time he kept asking me if I cooked. What I cooked, how often did I cook it, how did I prepare certain things and so on. He also kept adding stupid suggestive comments/questions to everything I said. If I said I played soccer, he'd say "Oh, do you ever play naked?" with this stupid grin on his face. At first I laughed it off to be polite but he just kept doing it.

"Oh you have a garden? Do you garden in bed?". "You cook eh? Ever cook naked?" "You're pretty tiny, do you think I'd break you?" and so on...

This went on for the entire duration of dinner until I just switched to monosyllabic answers to his questions. He eventually started talking about himself; how tough he was and how he beat up some guy who accidentally bumped his car in a parking lot. By this point I had had enough and was ready to leave but my cue came when he started making vulgar comments when two gay guys sat down at the table next to ours.

The night ended (he tried to go in for a kiss and I shut that down) and he promised to call me again so maybe we could "hook up - be sure to stretch beforehand though, I don't want to split you down the middle, haha *wink*". Took all my strength not to vomit in my mouth.

I went home and called my friend wondering if she had suffered a stroke which had impaired her judgement because there was no way in hell I was compatible with that guy. Her response was "Yeah but he loves dogs, and so do you."

thelordofcheese: Only one.After the last online dating thread I signed up to look at the human circus. Most of these people are extremely deluded and demanding. But then I ran across one profile.

We started talking and a month or so later we finally meet at a gallery reception. She's cool with that. Most of my money was tied up in a friend's wedding and she just got fired for taking too many days off (she said it was for funerals). We don't drink because she said she had a problem with it and stopped. All right, self-control. That's cool.

So about 2 weeks later she comes over and we watch movies & listen to music. We start talking about over-sensitivities that are shared almost as part of a culture for some demographics. I mention that I know a Jew named Chiam that makes fun of pretty much every social and ethnic group (we would do it together). Oh, she knows a guy named Chiam, too. His Facebook profile is of a sociopathic-looking Muhammad. Well, damn, come look at this: he was 25 feet from where we had been sitting! She knew my housemate. I like her. Cool.

We're talking and I invite her over for dinner. After I get the groceries she texts and says her friend's car broke down and she is going to pick her up. I was running a bit late and didn't have a problem with this. But when I was done cooking she still hadn't shown up. Turns out she meant that she wasn't coming at all. OK, we reschedule for Satturday. I text Friday to make sure she's coming. Nope -reschedule for Monday. Monday comes around and she doesn't even text me, but I do about 90 minutes prior. Oh, she's too tired now.

I ask a few people about her. Turns out she wasn't too truthful with me. She knew him from NA. I was even OK when I found out she had a kid. A 7 year old kid. And she's 28. Well, Chiam is cool and he got over his drug abuse. I'll give it a chance. And six weeks go by with her saying she'll make time when she's not at work or with her kid. I actually had asked in the interim about this reschedule and s ...

So you went out twice and then you hounded her for the next 6 weeks about a 3rd date, dug into her history through third parties, wrote angry letters on Facebook, and she had the gall to call you clingy?

shivashakti: This wasn't an online dating thing, but I went on a date with a transman (female-to-male transsexual) I'd met. He was a nice guy and I thought it'd be interesting to get to know him better, so when he asked me out, I said yes.

However, he was incredibly socially awkward. I'm fairly socially awkward myself, so I allow a generous amount of leeway on this in other people. But this was beyond my limits.

When we first talked, he told me that he was into Roman reenactment. It's sort of like SCA but for people into Ancient Rome. They dress in togas and gladiator armor and have battles. Geeky as hell, but since I was interested in Ancient Rome, I was curious to learn more.

He asked me to go to a movie with him. Oliver Stone's "Alexander" (Alexander the Great biopic). He'd seen it before and said it was his one of his favorite movies. The film was 3 hours long and TERRIBLE. Just long, boring, and crap.

In addition, before the movie, he'd brought an entire photo album of him in his gladiator/Roman re-enactment gear. Not a camera full of photos. An actual photo album to the movie theater. Weird...but to be fair to him, I'd expressed interest in learning more.

It was interesting but after 30 minutes, I was ready for a different topic of conversation. So, I tried politely several times to change the topic. He kept on bringing it back to Roman re-enactment and gladiator stuff. For the entire evening, that was literally all he talked about.

I didn't go on a second date with him. I felt bad because he really was a nice guy. But there was no way I was going to endure a 2nd date. Between the gladiator stuff and the terrible (and terribly long) movie, it was over.

Online dating is the best thing ever.

By the time the actual date rolls around, it's actually like the third date since all of the basics have already been covered in emails and phone calls. So basically when you actually meet up you can get down to business.

My 2012 resolution is to beat my 2011 record of 1.5 hours from first meeting to sealing the deal.

/My online encounters occur in O.C. so the pickings are plentiful.

//YMMV.

///No horror stories since it's pretty easy to weed out the wackos/psychos prior to actually meeting.

////Hint: Any profile starting out with "I have X number of children; they are the center of my world" = INSTANT IGNORE

No_47: I sent pictures of my dick to a bunch of TFettes but none replied

Crudbucket: So you went out twice and then you hounded her for the next 6 weeks about a 3rd date, dug into her history through third parties, wrote angry letters on Facebook, and she had the gall to call you clingy?

No... You like to imagine exaggerated circumstances so the story is more entertaining for yourself, don't you? Nowhere did I state that I hounded her about rescheduling. We texted each other maybe twice a week just to catch up. I didn't even ask about the failure to reschedule until a month afterward. And then in the two weeks interim I said mentioned nothing about it. Then when she didn't respond to my second inquiry I gave up and politely explained that I didn't appreciate it and that I didn't wish to associate with her anymore. Then she got all mad. Why, I have no clue. If she didn't want to see me again then this shouldn't have bothered her. In fact, she should have been relieved. But this wasn't the case. And why would someone who's clingy just decided to say fark it and give up without a single care? Your fantastical version of the situation defies all logical sense.

Man, you're pretty farking stupid.

Oh, I forgot to mention: her FB wall had a message posted on it the day before she came over and added me: "My imaginary boyfriend may become a real one!" And I was still dumb enough to not be scared away. Why do I always give people the benefit of the doubt? I should know better by now.

Farker4Life2: ChrisDe: I was set up with a girl once, we were to meet for drinks at this bar called O'Malleys. I was getting pretty bored in my current relationship, so I was looking for someone that I had more in common with. So I'm waiting at the bar, and who walks in but my wife. We laughed and laughed, had a couple of tropical drinks and went home and screwed like bunnies.

Was it a personal ad?

Was it half bad?