The dogs didn't find any drugs,
Or terrorist bomb-toting thugs.
But there was pooch
That sniffed out some hooch
With 'XXX' scrawled on the jugs.

Truthfully speaking, if I were delivering your goddamn mail, you can bet your Mother's ass I'd be drunk all the time.

The Jensen Beach Post Office was evacuated Thursday after a "suspicious package" began leaking an unknown oily substance,


Oily? that aint no moonshine what I ever did drink. Must be some of that citified 'shine. Now here's a tip fer you if'n you ever need some moonshine and you aint in Kentucky or you is locked up in the county.

Take a bottle of rubbin' alky haul and leave it in the sun fer three days or two days and a full moon. Gotta be a glass bottle not plastic. Pour it through the left boot of a socksless man what walked three miles on gravel or asphalt not grass. Boil in a bucket of boiling water for three jesuses and let cool in the shade of an elm. You can use oak but the taste 'll be off.

Will cause blindness, numbness, gravity storms and mysterious bruises to appear. Just like the real stuff.

Harry Freakstorm: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, but the more you get out, the more it keeps coming. And then the bar code reader breaks. And then it's Publisher's Clearinghouse day.

When you control the mail...you control, information.

Not being able to handle liquor is why the Post Office insists you don't send it by mail. They know their limits.

Here is a reference to the USPS website:

Don't send alcohol. And, in most cases, don't send prescription drugs, cigarettes, smokeless tobacco, or handguns.

Alcoholic beverages (beer, wine, or liquor) are not considered hazardous but can't go in the mail. If you're reusing a box displaying their alcohol brands, all logos and labels need to be covered up.
https://www.usps.com/ship/can-you-ship-it.htm

Yes, I am not making things up. The USPS actually says this.

These things should only be sent in safe packaging. The USPS (and especially the Canadian Post Office, Postes Canada Post) considers packaging safe if it is impossible for a postal worker to open it, cut it open or break it open. In other words, atom bomb proof plate steel or a sealed lead box sufficiently thick to hold Plutonium safely, with no openings of any kind.

As a Swiss Postal Clerk once told me with a polite sneer, there is no such thing as "Fragile" in Canada. And after seeing how some of my boxes arrived when I got back to Canada, I have to agree with him. It just doesn't mean dick to Canadian postal workers. In Switzerland, yes. By all means label your package. It will be treated with respect. But in Canada, "Fragile" just means "It's time for a game of pick-up hockey, boys! I just found the puck!" Canada Post has solved the problem of fragile packages by refusing to acknowledge that such a thing exists outside of the movies.

If you are shipping anything, say, a computer being returned to the manufacturer for service, make sure there is absolutely no sign on the package to suggest what is inside. For example, don't ship it with a courier label that says what is in the box. A good idea when shipping things of which you have to indicate the nature and value for insurance purposes is to label the package "shiat". As George Carlin would put it, you own a lot of shiat. You have so much shiat that you can easily afford to ship some of it to, say, Apple Inc. You need more places to put your shiat, so you have asked your belovèd Rich Uncle in Australia to store some shiat for you in his big pile of sheep shiat.

Live long and prosper, for when push comes to shove, everything that goes into the postal midden is shiat, and very likely broken shiat. Especially in Canada, where, as the Swiss say, there is no such thing as fragile.

Anybody who works for the postal service is an alcoholic, a future alcoholic or a recovering alcoholic. The reason for this is clear and simple: THEY WORK FOR THE GODDAM POST OFFICE!

Sometimes you just have to shout to make yourself clear to the hard of understanding, as the French say*.

*Understanding, like fragility, may not exist in Canada. Half of our bureaucrats are English and the other half are French. They are all unionized and hard to fire.

Can Milkman Dan take Biden's job? Just wondering. He's far more qualified.

Is that place run by The Stone?