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(Fark)   Random Question of the Day: You've just been crowned Supreme Dictator-for-Life of the Entire World. What is your first official act, your Excellency?   (fark.com) divider line 474
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4385 clicks; posted to Main » on 21 Jan 2012 at 8:56 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-01-21 12:24:00 PM
Make Friday part of the weekend and give every new baby chocolate eclair.
 
2012-01-21 12:24:17 PM
All shall love me and despair

www.static6.themodernnomad.me

Alrighty then...

1. Birth control, sterilization, etc. Everyone that meets basic requirements could have one kid. After that one kid, both parents get snipped and clipped. This could be upped to 2 kids once the poplation goes down a bit.

2. Universal, single-payer healthcare.

3. Public transportation!

4. Somebody nice, good-looking, dark-haired, and British or Irish could be Gentleman of the Bedchamber.

/Pic hot as the fires of Mt. Doom
 
2012-01-21 12:25:02 PM
My first act? The two biggest threats to my power are religious institutions and the financial markets. I would immediately convene a working group to figure out how to put a leash on both of them. All around the world.

In the US, the founders understood clearly the part about religious institutions. So, the first clause of the first sentence of the first amendment is, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion." The King of England made himself head of the church, which is another way to deal with it.

The financial markets (and the big financial companies) are a more recent development, but if one follows Europe closely, one can appreciate their true power.
 
2012-01-21 12:29:28 PM
Shave all cats.
 
2012-01-21 12:31:18 PM

Rafterman2: Mr. Murder: We would invade Canada and make them the biggest state in the U.S.

Nah, then we'll have to deal with the Quebecois. Quebec is like France, minus the good food and wine.


Whoa la la. We do eat (and produce) lots of good cheese (food, beer, wine), but instead of surrendering, we'll tell you to "aller chier mon tabernak!".
 
2012-01-21 12:33:32 PM
I would nuke 3/4 of the planet, forcing the other 1/4 to unite in peace to defeat me. I would bring world peace through unimaginable slaughter.
 
2012-01-21 12:33:47 PM

oroku_saki: I would start with an orgy involving any hottie I can get to at the moment.

Put lobbyists in a gulag.

Reality TV would be banned under penalty of slow torturous death.

Every Justin Bieber, modern celebrity Christmas Album, and Nickelback CD would be confiscated and melted into a giant cock statue in front of what was left of the RIAA headquarters (which I would order the firebombing of).

Religion would be allowed, but would not have any political or scientific influence. Anyone who complains will be immediately shot.


After that can we go directly to the source of said albums? And I am not talking about the labels.
 
2012-01-21 12:36:48 PM
I would prematurely ejaculate with Kristen Bell then spend ten minutes apologizing profusely and explaining why it happened.
 
2012-01-21 12:39:00 PM
Inventors, music writers, etc. would be paid by me, based on how much people use them. No patents or copyrights.

Oh, and you can have as many kids as you want, as long as they're girls. After one boy, you have to stop. And legalize polygamy.
 
2012-01-21 12:42:53 PM
In no particular order or effectiveness:

Do away with anything Politically Correct. If it doesn't offend ME, it's not offensive.
Establish several panels and/or commitees made up of like-minded (but smarter) people to oversee and govern things like Wall Street, Big Business, Religion, etc.
Steal the "Asshole Law" from DerAppie. Compensate them accordingly.
Research into ANYthing that improves Human life in general (alternative fuel, space travel/exploration, pollution, etc) automatically gets 2 years of unlimited funding.

There's probably more, but that's all I got right now.
 
2012-01-21 12:45:50 PM
Saturday means free beer for everyone.
 
2012-01-21 12:46:35 PM
My first official act would be to keep TFD threads like this one in TF where they belong.

/TFD stands for Total Fark Diarrhea. And it is leaking out all over the nice, clean Lite main page.
 
2012-01-21 12:49:55 PM
Pizza is a vegetable.
 
2012-01-21 12:52:15 PM
Corporations would no longer be people.

Lawyers and businessmen could not hold public office.

Then I'd have someone beat the shiat out of Chuck Norris and make the whole world watch to put an end to that retarded meme.

Then I'd have a steak.
 
2012-01-21 12:52:17 PM

Beluga Heights: I would prematurely ejaculate with Kristen Bell then spend ten minutes apologizing profusely and explaining why it happened.


As Supreme Dictator, I demand to see this for the lutz.
 
2012-01-21 12:53:24 PM
Ban cigarette smoking while making smoking of marijuana mandatory, especially for conservatives with their pants all in a wad over my new rules.
 
2012-01-21 12:57:36 PM
Boobies!
 
2012-01-21 01:00:54 PM

thisisyourbrainonFark: Beluga Heights: I would prematurely ejaculate with Kristen Bell then spend ten minutes apologizing profusely and explaining why it happened.

As Supreme Dictator, I demand to see this for the lutz.


I'd be honored, my sovereign lord.

It would get all psychosexual and weird and involve lots of huffing and her saying she doesn't need to have it explained and me then just explaining more. She could get mad about it, or try to be supportive. My guess is the former. I would promise to increase my sexual stamina or some other impossible thing for me. And it would result in my offering to make her dinner or something to "make up for it". Then she leaves and has sex with an actual man.
 
2012-01-21 01:02:21 PM
Bring me a taco!
 
2012-01-21 01:03:12 PM
Have we had `kill everyone` yet?
 
2012-01-21 01:04:15 PM
1. require all females to send BIE upon request by anyone.
2. All BIE messages are blind cc'd to my personal email address.
3. What the heck, Women can demand WIE if they want.


you're welcome.
 
2012-01-21 01:04:18 PM
When I rule the world, I get Karl Urban and Nathan Fillion as my permanent man slaves.

/I'll be in my bunk
 
2012-01-21 01:05:00 PM

cbackous: 1. require all females to send BIE upon request by anyone.
2. All BIE messages are blind cc'd to my personal email address.
3. What the heck, Women can demand WIE if they want.


you're welcome.


Have you not read my profile?

/giggity
 
2012-01-21 01:09:48 PM
80% tax on all religious institutions, the proceeds of which will be used to fund education in science and critical thinking.
 
2012-01-21 01:09:56 PM
1) Eliminate personal debt with the caveat that anyone who opens a new credit card at higher than 10% APR will regain any forgiven debt.

2) Mobilize the existing armed forces around the world to strategically hunt down and eliminate all hate groups and extremists.

3) Appoint Henry Rollins as my second-in-command.

4) Eliminate all Liberal Arts-type majors. No one in the world has ever benefitted from a General Studies degree.

5) Tax breaks to households maintaining fruit and vegetable gardens.

6) Solar energy will replace coal in 5 years.

7) Vacant lots in urban areas will be repurposed and converted to community gardens.

8) Homeless populations around the world will be mobilized and employed to gut, tear down, and clear out abandoned buildings, which will be converted to the aforementioned gardens.

9) Firefly will be renewed for seven more seasons.

10) Two chicks at the same time. I think if I were Supreme Dictator I could hook that up, man.
 
2012-01-21 01:14:32 PM
If you control the children, you control the world. I would obviously start by revamping the education system - implement school vouchers, force teachers to be tested for competency in their subject matter as opposed to teaching theory, make schools immune to hiring lawsuits on the basis of race (since statistically, the percentage of quality minority teachers is far below the percentage of minority residents), eliminating most mention of evolution or anything having to do with evolution from elementary school curriculum (leave the question of origins to high school and college), etc. Primarily, induce competition and let the bad schools get stomped to pieces.
 
2012-01-21 01:14:53 PM
PR0N
 
2012-01-21 01:15:37 PM
First Act would be public execution or imprisonment of a long line of scoundrels, ridding the planet of undesirables.

Executions would be broadcast pay per view as fund raisers, for your enjoyment and to benefit those in need. Deserving parties would first be bled near to death, if their blood is usable. Donor parts, science and education will also be considered. Famous and infamous decapitated heads will be put on eBay, another fund raiser for charity.

Under my rule the streets will run red with blood and wild animals will gorge themselves upon great mountains of decaying flesh.

What a thrill it would be to right the perceived wrongs, to give the many what they truly deserve.
 
2012-01-21 01:18:42 PM
Beer for everybody!
 
2012-01-21 01:24:19 PM

Baz the Spaz: Beer for everybody!


I'll take an Old Rasputin, thanks.
 
2012-01-21 01:24:40 PM
1. show trials
2. three chicks at the same time
 
2012-01-21 01:24:42 PM
I would position a cop and a judge at the four way stop in the center of town.
Then I would have everyone that can't negotiate the stop properly summarily stripped and whipped right in the center of the intersection. Ten lashes, unless a cell phone is involved. Then the penalty is fifteen.
 
2012-01-21 01:27:15 PM
Send everyone but scientists to the moon. You people go be miserable over there while we make warp drive and GTFO this hell-hole of a solar system.
 
2012-01-21 01:30:02 PM
Taco Tuesday would be mandatory.

Seriously, though, I would implement a world wide switch democracy, with myself and my appointed having a limited form of veto power, intended solely to weed out the inevitable initial crop of bad ideas. After my initial changes, my style would transform to a relatively hands-off model.

I would find some manner of identifying and removing corruption in high places. Office is a service to the people, not a throne of glory. The issue would be how to keep the corruption-checker from becoming corrupt itself. Possibly something to with allowing any of the general populace to audit the entire shebang at any time, on any level, for any and/or no reason.

A small set of very basic universal laws would be set in place. Don't murder. Don't steal. Maybe even stopping there. I would allow each division to construct any further laws based on culture and local need (Don't feed the bears, for example). These laws would not be allowed to affect, positively or negatively, gender, orientation, race, religious belief, etc etc. That said, establishments would be allowed to behave how they wanted, and the market would determine what behaviors were encouraged or discouraged.

Everyone would be required to own a weapon as a means of self-defense. What type is up to the individual. It must remain capable of use (no decorative swords; no unloaded guns) at all times, and on or nearby to your person. After the inevitable first few years of misuse, the system would work itself out beautifully. Darwinian evolution would be the sifter that removes the clumps.

Essentially, after setting some minimal guidelines in place, I'd let the world go about its business.
 
2012-01-21 01:30:05 PM
Tell the team that killed Bin Laden to find Godot, and make him keep his farking appointments!
 
2012-01-21 01:30:26 PM
1. Legalize cannabis for the entire world
2. Shoot Justin Bieber into the sun on a rocket
3. Prepare every Man, Women, and Child for the coming zombie Apocalypse
 
2012-01-21 01:31:31 PM
I appoint certain people in positions they are suited for, ensure that all soldiers gaurding my compounds have been trained according to the evil overlord list, and commence to purging the lands of corrupt politicians who've been feeding at the trough.

So clearly there's going to be some vacancy's in the congress and senate
 
2012-01-21 01:33:28 PM

whizbang: rev. dave: I would tell people to stop having children. Then come up with some way to "fix" people so that only a 5% random smartest few of the people would be able to have children and then only 1 successful pregnancy, afterwards that parent gets "fixed" too.

fixed


I would redirect all our scientific research into curing baldness and prolonging erections.
 
2012-01-21 01:37:45 PM

Oznog: whizbang: rev. dave: I would tell people to stop having children. Then come up with some way to "fix" people so that only a 5% random smartest few of the people would be able to have children and then only 1 successful pregnancy, afterwards that parent gets "fixed" too.

fixed

I would redirect all our scientific research into curing baldness and prolonging erections.


Wigs and Nite Rider
 
2012-01-21 01:46:31 PM
I resign.
 
2012-01-21 01:54:43 PM
Hey, scientific community! Your top experts are going to form my council. And by 'top experts' I mean 'those with the most accuracy within their field'.

Your top experts will then explain to me a) what exactly is farking up the world and b) how to fix it as quickly as possible.
 
2012-01-21 02:06:54 PM
I think my Weeners would be, "you're sh*ttin me, right?"
 
2012-01-21 02:07:17 PM

PsiChick: Hey, scientific community! Your top experts are going to form my council. And by 'top experts' I mean 'those with the most accuracy within their field'.

Your top experts will then explain to me a) what exactly is farking up the world and b) how to fix it as quickly as possible.


a) humans
b) kill at least half the population
c) you're welcomed
 
2012-01-21 02:07:56 PM

PsiChick: Hey, scientific community! Your top experts are going to form my council. And by 'top experts' I mean 'those with the most accuracy within their field'.

Your top experts will then explain to me a) what exactly is farking up the world and b) how to fix it as quickly as possible.


My explanation above should do nicely.
 
2012-01-21 02:08:58 PM
All poor people to the mines.
 
2012-01-21 02:13:17 PM
I abdicate.

Who the hell needs the headache?
 
2012-01-21 02:14:32 PM
I would write three rules.

1. No person who WANTS to be Supreme Dictator can ever be Supreme Dictator.

2. If you cannot support the children you already have, you will be sterilized to prevent having any more. That way, you can focus on the ones you have.

3. Any future Supreme Dictators must be drafted from the population based on ability and prior demonstration of competency, and against their will.


And then I resign.
 
2012-01-21 02:15:52 PM

ChaoticLimbs: I would write three rules.

1. No person who WANTS to be Supreme Dictator can ever be Supreme Dictator.

2. If you cannot support the children you already have, you will be sterilized to prevent having any more. That way, you can focus on the ones you have.

3. Any future Supreme Dictators must be drafted from the population based on ability and prior demonstration of competency, and against their will.


And then I resign.


OMGTHIS.
 
2012-01-21 02:19:45 PM
Bring me a pastrami on rye! Personal jetpacks can wait.
 
2012-01-21 02:20:21 PM

khyberkitsune: PsiChick: Hey, scientific community! Your top experts are going to form my council. And by 'top experts' I mean 'those with the most accuracy within their field'.

Your top experts will then explain to me a) what exactly is farking up the world and b) how to fix it as quickly as possible.

My explanation above should do nicely.


Degree and reccomendations from your peers? Preferably with a list of successes in your field for a standardized definition of successes your field has voted on?
 
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