I didn't know she was in Star Trek.

/what a dickhead

I really should've gone to bed instead of clicking this link

This the the photo on her "other" identification.

/don't flashy-thing me

She's a ballchinian

It's a clap trap!

Haters gonna hate. One day Jessica Simpson came into doctor's office where I worked with a medical complaint. Seems she had decided to try a radical new weight loss method that was similar to Asian fire cupping. Some crystal-waving sage burner had convinced her he could 'suck out' the fatty tissue from beneath the surface of her skin and it would require no diet or exercise.

I walked her back into one of our examination rooms, got a set of vital signs and gave her a gown for the examination. She was there alone, but it is our clinic's policy that two medical personnel be present during any examination that involves a genital exam, prostate exam, complete disrobing, etc. So when the physician asks her to disrobe, she opens the back of the gown and there are like a two dozen large circular, bruises covering her back, buttocks and ribs. They looked like big round, raised whelps. Dr. Nguyen was the resident that afternoon and he was very familiar with the concept of 'coining' or 'cupping'.

I started a line on her and we gave her Demerol 25 mg & Versed 5 mg IV. This is pretty much the standard dose for conscious sedation. But then she gets all dopey with slurred speech. Dr Nguyen gives me a nod, and we both knew what we had to do. Now, Nguyen had always had a thing for chubby asses. I think coming over to the states as a Viet Nam refugee in 1970 had a lot to do with that. He once confided in me that he was placed in a foster home of an obese Baptist woman who at times,had forced him to strip naked, wear a dog collar and lick her anus with a mouthful of ice cubes. As he sobbed, she would finger herself and called him her little 'Chinese Running Dog.. Now this never made little sense to me because he was neither Chinese or canine and certainly would have been much to young to grasp the complexities of free-market capitalism. Considering my own early education had come from Mississippi public schools, I had politely excused the story as either a post-traumatic related stress disorder or the ramblings of a deeply disturbed Vietnamese doctor who chain-smoked Marlboro Reds and ate ridiculously large amount of pho.
Anyway, back to Simpson. She was babbling incoherently and finally flopped down on the examination table. Nguyen begins to remove his lab coat and pants and his eyes fill with tears. He begins to cry uncontrollably and sobbing, he obviously begins to relive those farked-up Sundays after church with his foster mother, "Đạo Mẫu" Now I ain't biatching, mind you. Nguyen and I had tag-teamed more than one unconscious patient in our time. I'd never said squat, since not only was I covering my own ass; but he sometimes used to loan me his condo or let me use his boat at the marina on weekends.
Simpson is a little chubby, but not too chubby if you get my drift. She's got great skin besides the 'cupping' marks so I figured if nothing else, I'd take off her shoes and treat myself to a footjob.The surgi-lube we used for ultra-sounds and pelvic exams was AWESOME for rubbing out a few knuckle orphans. It had just the right amount of isopropyl alcohol that 'burned just right' and I had learned to let just a little of the lube into my urethral meatus right before I'd climax. She had on those big strappy sandals that looked like gladiator shoes. Her pedicure was perfect, and her beautiful little tootsies looked like fat painted sausages peeking out from underneath a leather futon. The doc is licking her bunghole like a puppy laps an empty breakfast plate full of bacon. He's got hemostats clamped to both his testicles and is having seizure-like spasms. He thrusts his hips around like he's doing some sort of invisible hula hoop. It is very animated and reminds me of a date I once took to a Widespread Panic concert who ate two tabs of ecstasy and wiggle-danced the entire show. (She had hairy legs and smelled like patchouli but she did let me hump her armpit and made a very tasty falafel pita sammich)
Simpson only cooed and giggled and I could tell this was not here first trip to the rodeo. The pace was frantic and we could have continued for some time, but between the Vietnamese crying game and Simpson's squeals and peals of laughter; I knew damn well we had better get that genie back in the bottle. We snapped the penis mask picture when we were finished and it certainly warms this old heart to see so many of you enjoy it. The biggest lesson I learned? America will never institute socialized medicine or a single-payer system. I'm not bitter, clearly this is Fartbongo's fault.

i'm not going to read all that, did you see the tits or not?

I was going to come here and sa that was one of the more disturbing things I had ever seen, then I made te mistake of reading through the entirety of Dahnkster's post. I'm not going to say I laughed, because I didn't, but I certainly couldn't sop reading. It was like what I imagine fan fiction to be, I think.

Dahnkster: Haters gonna hate, etc.

Holy shiat

Dahnkster:
Farking paragraphs. How do they work?

The love you take is equal to the love you make.

Thats not her.

justneal: i'm not going to read all that, did you see the tits or not?

I recommend you do. I've got quite a short attention span myself... but seriously. Wow.

Dahnkster, sir, just damn...


/begins the slow clap

Dahnkster: Haters gonna hate. .

"knuckle orphans". That's genius right there.


/click the star, boys, click the star...

What a dickhead.

Dahnkster: ...

This is why people will continue to patronize alternative medicine providers; they have ethics.

+1 funny

Dahnkster: words

Keep trying Jessica! You'll be relevant again someday! I know it!

explains why Tony Romo was with her for so long

How can an empty plate be full of bacon?

mcmnky: How can an empty plate be full of bacon?

Clearly you're not a golfer.

Deformed? That looks just like my...... friend's penis. Yeah, that's it.

She has the weirdest boner right now.

Dahnkster: ...

Took until the 2nd sentence of the third paragraph before i realized you weren't just committing a massive HIPAA violation.

See, if SOPA and PIPA were passed, they'd take away our Dahnkster.

And that's just wrong.

Wrong.

Rising_Zan_Samurai_Gunman: Dahnkster: ...

Took until the 2nd sentence of the third paragraph before i realized you weren't just committing a massive HIPAA violation.

I certainly feel violated.

Yeah, whoever is wearing that mask has a large mole under her right eye, which Jessica doesn't have. Also, the tits are way too small to be Jessica's. Hell, my tits are bigger than those.

puckrock2000: Yeah, whoever is wearing that mask has a large mole under her right eye, which Jessica doesn't have. Also, the tits are way too small to be Jessica's. Hell, my tits are bigger than those.

First thing I noticed too, besides the weird mask. I'm pretty sure JS doesn't have a huge mole right under her eye.

i'm sorry i didn't read the first time, that should replace the bible as the all time best selling book

Kingrarr: Dahnkster, sir, just damn...


/begins the slow clap

I second that. My co-workers are pretty sure I'm crazy now.

whats that growth on her right lower eyelid?

Dahnkster: She was there alone, but it is our clinic's policy that two medical personnel be present during any examination that involves a genital exam, prostate exam, complete disrobing, etc.

Thank God you have that policy, or something wildly inappropriate could have happened.

youfoundthekingbaby: whats that growth on her right lower eyelid?

Dahnkster: Haters gonna hate.

You sir, have officially been added to my favorites.

Dahnkster: Asian fire cupping

k. i had to look that up.