So says the author of a new book on white, middle-class kinksters in the San Francisco Bay Area

San Francisco is like your hipster cousin who wants to prove to everyone how cool they are, and shows up at family reunions just to push the envelope til people notice, which they never do, so they keep pushing the envelope further.

I have nothing against consenting adults engaging in BDSM, but everyone I've
ever met who was really into it had serious issues.

DjangoStonereaver: I have nothing against consenting adults engaging in BDSM, but everyone I've
ever met who was really into it had serious issues.

Probably cause only the damaged ones need to broadcast it all over and get the attention. The normal quiet ones we never heard about. There might be one next door. But the quiet ones didn't move to the coast.

San Francisco is mecca for people needing affirmation for their lifestyles, has been since at least the Beat movement, then the Hippie movement, then the Castro street gay mecca, and various tech culture booms, on down to now, stuff like the original Burning Man people, or self-identified BDSM culture (which is over 20 years old, I guess this writer didn't get on usenet in the early 1990s). Its a perpetual adolescent town. What you get when you give a whole bunch of social nerds growing up a ton of money and great climate to play in. You get these folks that aren't just capable of being cool, they require the world know exactly how cool they are. And the result can often, from outside the bubble, be somewhat hilarious.

San Franciscans forget the rest of the country doesn't share their need for adulation as upper middle class consumers of alternative lifestyles, or need to be defined by what they consume quite as much. Thats what makes it funny.

Wasteland: Hell, I've never known a girl who wasn't into one thing or another that falls under the larger BDSM category...

THIS. Without going into too much detail, I can tell ya ladies like to get freaky, at least every one I've been with.

Wasteland: Infernalist: Bingo. The quiet ones live their lives without anyone else being aware of what they do on their time off. That manager lady at work who's such a hard-ass about getting stuff done on time? The one who never smiles or slacks off and is always on time and rides your ass every little thing?

There's a chance that she's a little subby on the inside and lets someone boss her around in the bedroom. But you'll never know it because the sane ones are smart enough and wise enough to not get visible marks or wear leather outfits outside the house.

You'd be surprised at how many people partake in it.


This.

Hell, I've never known a girl who wasn't into one thing or another that falls under the larger BDSM category... in private, and after a relationship had gone on long enough to sort out basic trust and boundary issues.

People are hardwired to enjoy some freaky shiat. We're also (mostly) hardwired to hide our taboo behaviors. It's not complicated.

One is chemical though, the other social. Hint:a lot of the appeal of BDSM for those on the "recieving" side isn't so much an anjoyment of pain, per se, but the massive endophin rushes it can cause when done right. People can actually get so high off them, they can almost diassociate from their bodies for a while. They call it "flying" or "travelling in subspace"

But yeah there is a lot of "history of trauma/childhood abuse/rape" among the "Out and Proud"'s but , given the shiat they've gone through, I think that may actually be a good thing.

allthesametome: There's more to BDSM than spanking and bondage. I'm very involved iin the lifestyle (in NJ not CA) and to me nothing is more boring than being tied up. It's also not just about getting freaky in the bedroom. Although that is a definite perk!

If you have to tie up your sub before you work her, you're doing it wrong.

/_{not that I would know.}

Jim_Callahan: DjangoStonereaver: I have nothing against consenting adults engaging in BDSM, but everyone I've
ever met who was really into it had serious issues.

To be fair, everyone has serious issues about something, and those issues getting tangled up in sexuality isn't necessarily uncommon. They're probably no weirder than anyone else in the final accounting.

You've obviously never met some of my friends.

A friend of mine put it into perspective for me once: he said that people who
were into BDSM often decide to embrace their neuroses, rather than try and
cure them. That seemed to cover my experience with it, and even if I learned
that it wasn't really my thing, at least I learned something about it.

Dammitz, now I'm hankerin' for a spankerin'.

There's nothing wrong with being a sexual weirdo, as long as you're keeping it legal and safe. It's healthy, goddamnit.


And this:

Aello: Generation_D, Are you talking exclusively about the SF scene or the BDSM scene in general? Just would like a little clarification.

yes

Venn diagrams that overlap. Not all SF residents have attention-seeking behavior or join attention-seeking groups, but that is a major flavor of upper middle class social interactivity there.

Not all San Franciscans are into BDSM, but probably a larger per capita there than most places.

Not all BDSM'ers either moved to the coast or joined attention seeking groups, but the ones you hear about did. Its like any "deviant" behavior. HBO has been doing shows on these for over a decade, the quiet neighbor who has a fetish. All you hear about are the ones that seek a camera, reply to an ad, or do some other attention-getting activity. The nice quiet respectable ones with a closet full of garb and an inbox full of contacts you never hear anything about.

Til they run for office :)

misanthropic1: To be fair, that's pretty much the west coast in my experience; whatever the subculture, there's a bunch of idealogues that are "just more into it" than everyone else, and they're out to prove it...

misanthropic1: professional west-coast culture analyst

It's all so important, too, isn't it?