Just a quick heads-up, I'll be announcing all of the winners of our Headline of the Year contests tomorrow. I wanted it out this morning but had too much going on to get it done earlier, so I'll be posting it tomorrow at noon EST.

In the meantime, here are some of the better headlines from last week.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-12-25 to Sat 2011-12-31:

  Rash of Baby Jesus figure thefts continues. Locals say it makes no frankincense    

  Intel and Kraft create prototype of intelligent vending machine that analyzes a customer's age and sex, yet invariably delivers a dessert that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike Jello    

  Showering woman escapes when home catches fire. Fire departments from 34 counties respond    

  Missing Indiana girl found dead; babysitter charged. Hourly    

  School bus hit by flying car, no one inju--FLYING CARS ARE HERE    

  Body found in Port Townshend, Washington leaves police asking "Who Are You?"    

  Fashion designer makes gown out of Ford Focus parts . As expected, most women want bigger headlights    

  Man shot by cop at Denny's expected to survive because thankfully he had not been served yet    

  Sperm study could help infertile couples. INCONCEIVABLE    

  Doctors store patients' genetic codes, in a revolutionary step toward tailoring therapies specifically to an individual, and so they have a template to help reintegrate you after the transporter splits you into good and evil duplicates    

  Free crack pipes, free crack pipes, see how they smoke, see how they smoke, Vancouver is giving them out for free, to prevent Hepatitis and HIV, did you ever see such a sight as could be, as free crack pipes    


Sports:

  Penn St. Football tops AP Poll, young boys    

  Big Ten, Pac-12 announce new football scheduling agreement, a move that won't change which SEC teams play in the National Championship game in the slightest    

  Thierry Henry is coming back to Arsenal. Now all they need is Tony Adams, Steve Bould, Martin Keown, Lee Dixon, Nigel Winterburn and time machine, and they're in business    


Geek:

  Evidence indicates earliest humans lived by rivers and streams. The cans of Really Old Milwaukee were a dead giveaway    

  Small monkey groups more likely to fight, raising hopes for an offshore small monkey fighting league    

  NASA's twin GRAIL probes closing in on moon orbit, just need to pass through the cave of Caerbannog    


Entertainment:

  Fire at LMFAO concert leaves security telling everyone to STFU and GTFO, LOL    

  Russell Brand files for divorce, stocks up on "Welcome to Herpes" gift baskets    

  The Doctor to marry woman who played the role of his daughter. Same woman also happens to be The Doctor's daughter in real life and already has a child with The Doctor. Surprisingly, none of this happened in Dixie    


Politics:

  Callista Gingrich makes rare campaign remarks. And I quote: "ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"    

  Jon Huntsman says Ron Paul is "unelectable". In similar news, Paris Hilton says Kim Kardashian can't act    

  Obama "no longer needs Congress to promote his agenda," says fear will keep the local systems in line    


Business:

  Bolivia is in two minds about what to do with their huge reserves of lithium    

  Verizon's VP of Network Engineering says its LTE network is fast like greased weasels on speed, and every bit as stable    

  Prison inmates have registered with the IRS as tax preparers. Will take payments in cash, candy bars, cigarettes    
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