I'm morbidly curious to see how an Elmore Leonard version of Twilight would be.

The keyword here is "morbidly."

OK, I laughed at the Cormac McCarthy one.

It would read less like the kinky masturbatory fantasies of a frustrated, sexually repressed housewife?

What if famous writers had written Twilight instead of a lonely Mormon housewife with an 11th grade education?

They wouldn't have.

GAT_00: What if famous writers had written Twilight instead of a lonely Mormon housewife with an 11th grade education?

They wouldn't have.

C'mon- it's the classic girl meets boy who loves her so much he leaves her because he's not good enough for her and then prevents her from seeing anyone else, but gets so jealous that she loves someone else that he marries her and she dies in childbirth and the second boy she loves marries her baby.

Haruki Murakami: [Added by commenter Benk]

Bella has sex with Edward, who is half a ghost. Jacob is a talking cat. Most of the prose is given over to descriptions of Bella making pasta.

A new keyboard, they owe me one. :D

Florida would still own Ohio State.

Sense and Sensibility and sparkly vampires?

Marcus Aurelius: Sense and Sensibility and sparkly vampires?

Sense and Sensibility and SEAMONSTERS.

/my least favorite Austen.

I prefer Carl Hiaasen's "Sparkle Cove" where Bella's a retired stripper who dumps out Edward's casket to fill it full of gold bullion she stole from a werewolf drug dealer and hide it in the bayou and the whole thing's undone by a fat, semi-retarded "horror writer" named Steph Meyer who tries the steal the gold to self-publish her book about a girl named Mary Sue who's the most popular girl in school and everyone is eaten by gators

He's ashen and wan
said young Bella McSwan
and he sparkles until
all the sunlight is gone

But if I was undead
Bella thought in her head
I'd make a few changes
that's just what I said.

Vampires that sparkle seem OK to some
But I think they are ludicrous, dumber than dumb
Ridiculous, vacuous, pretentious dorks
And no one, but no one, has moved into Forks!

Mr. Coffee Nerves: I prefer Carl Hiaasen's "Sparkle Cove" where Bella's a retired stripper who dumps out Edward's casket to fill it full of gold bullion she stole from a werewolf drug dealer and hide it in the bayou and the whole thing's undone by a fat, semi-retarded "horror writer" named Steph Meyer who tries the steal the gold to self-publish her book about a girl named Mary Sue who's the most popular girl in school and everyone is eaten by gators

Not everyone. The governor survives.

My favorite "review" of Twilight, because he writes exactly what I was thinking the entire time I was reading the first book.
Mark Reads Twilight

Anne Rice did it.... the books are good and the vampires don't farking sparkle!

From the comments

Twilight, by Dr. Seuss

Jake likes a girl. Her name is Bella.
Bella likes a different fella.

See this vamp? This is Ed.
Ed is pale. Ed is dead.

Ed saved Bella from a van.
Ed must be a special man.

Ed won't kill boys. He won't kill girls.
Ed gets fed on deer and squirrels.

This is James. He's a tracker.
He's a sort of vamp attacker.

James hunts Bella for a thrill.
Will Ed kill him? Yes, he will.

But James gave her a little bite.
Will she be a vamp? She might!

Edward fixes Bella's cut.
She won't be a vampire.
But...

She becomes one. Read some more.
She's a vampire in book 4.

That's pretty good.

Majick Thise: Anne Rice did it.... the books are good and the vampires don't farking sparkle!

Well, and they can't do shiat with their privates. So no baby chewing crap.

Nadie_AZ: Majick Thise: Anne Rice did it.... the books are good and the vampires don't farking sparkle!

Well, and they can't do shiat with their privates. So no baby chewing crap.

That was repeatedly stated to be the case in the first three books, too, but Meyer decided that didn't fit in with her wish fulfillment, which required babies - remember, Mormon.

So she decided to ignore her own canon - hardly the first time, as she's so inconsistent she can't even keep a character stable within the realm of a single sentence at points - and magicked Bella her little 'nudger'.

Then decided to have a few chapters where she got to push her anti-abortion mindset onto the reader...never mind that the kid is actually killing Bella...

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: I'm morbidly curious to see how an Elmore Leonard version of Twilight would be.

The keyword here is "morbidly."

I suspect merciless lycanthropic mafiosos will be part of the mix.

Majick Thise: Anne Rice did it.... the books are good and the vampires don't farking sparkle!

PN Elrod did it too. And the sex scenes are pretty damn good.

So, this may have been addressed in the books that I never read, but these vampires spend eternity going to high school for some damn reason or another, right? Well, don't the adults in town remember going to high school with these kids? Wouldn't it be like "hey, i know that guy! Is he still there?".

I would think a competent writer would figure a way out of questions like this and other little ones like, why the fark would any immortal spend eternity going to farking high school. I'd build a nifty contraption to pierce myself in the heart if someone told me that was what being a vampire was.

gadian: So, this may have been addressed in the books that I never read, but these vampires spend eternity going to high school for some damn reason or another, right? Well, don't the adults in town remember going to high school with these kids? Wouldn't it be like "hey, i know that guy! Is he still there?".

I would think a competent writer would figure a way out of questions like this and other little ones like, why the fark would any immortal spend eternity going to farking high school. I'd build a nifty contraption to pierce myself in the heart if someone told me that was what being a vampire was.

Maybe they move around a lot?

Hah hah hah, these are amusing.

My favourite -

Lewis Carroll : Bella takes acid and charts syllogisms.

Wonder what we'd get if Chuck Palahniuk had written it...

A Famous Mortimer Production: what_now: GAT_00: What if famous writers had written Twilight instead of a lonely Mormon housewife with an 11th grade education?

They wouldn't have.

C'mon- it's the classic girl meets boy who loves her so much he leaves her because he's not good enough for her and then prevents her from seeing anyone else, but gets so jealous that she loves someone else that he marries her and she dies in childbirth and the second boy she loves marries her baby.

Is that really the plot? Um, wow.

Better yet, in the last book, the chick gets pregnant, the baby breaks her spine, since it's a super powerful vampire baby, he has to chew open her stomach to get the baby out before it kills her, then he turns her into a vampire. Then, the werewolf immediately decides he wants to fark the baby.

I promise I didn't make that up.

The Sun Sets at Twilight Edward was injured in the war, his dick no longer works properly. Bella loves Edward but he has no penis and she is engaged to Jacob. Edward gets drunk, punches Jacob in the face. Bella falls in love with a bullfighter, then returns to Jacob.

Carth: gadian:

His family members are vampires and since he is high school aged he goes to school so people don't get suspicious. They move around about ever 6-7 years when people notice they don't age.

He can't just say "I'm home-schooled"?

gadian: Carth: gadian:

His family members are vampires and since he is high school aged he goes to school so people don't get suspicious. They move around about ever 6-7 years when people notice they don't age.

He can't just say "I'm home-schooled"?

That would be a great excuse for the poor social skills and weirdness.

I knew some homeschooled kids who had no idea about personal space. They'd get right face to face with you, within a foot, and talk while staring into your eyes.

The Wheel of Twilight: Edward goes insane, then is a little better, then goes insane, then is a little better, then goes insane, then is a little better. Bella tugs her braid a lot. Jacob thinks Edward killed his mother for a long time but then totally changes his mind out of character, not because anyone is trying to wrap up the series or anything. The series was originally slated for six books or so but turns into 14. Stephanie Meyer dies before the series is finished.

OR

I cast balefire on Stephanie Meyer and the books never happened.

If Robert Jordan wrote them....you know before he died...Bella would probably either pulling her braid a lot or have her nose in the air.

Douglas Adams: The Hitchhiker's Guide to Twilight:

Edward and Bella meet and fall in love. Jacob, who is the third worst poet in the universe,

*** THE EARTH IS BLOWN UP - THANK GOD ***

The End