http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIo7eTS-2PI (new window)
Mojo Nixon - Where the Hell's My Money

You want your money? Call J.G. Wentworth. Me? I got my own problems

bingethinker: 3. Sucking cocks isn't gay if you're just doing it for the money, right?

No.

It's a show of real initiative.

Slurpy, sloppy initiative.

Please, this is fark, we're all debt free, banging super models, and investment geniuses.

Are you farked?

a) yes
b) yes
c) all of the above

1. Ummm I'm working under the table,,, am I eligible?
2. same way as 2011
3. bankruptcy
4. is a comic book collection that has been also meticulously scanned to digital format a wise investment?
5. getting a deal on the lady of the night and also picking up a free keg on delivery day at the bar.
6. retiring is for people in 3 piece suits. When I die I plan on making the city pay for my burial in a mass grave of other deadbeats.
7. Just because I am a mule, doesn't mean my client is not paying me in various ways for my services.
8. As long as I have money for what I want, whopppppeee.
9. Pfft. Like I am going to leave money to any of those ungrateful biatches and kids.
10. What type of crime can I commit to get sent to jail for the free medical, that won't get me locked up longer than 2 months?

Is that Nigerian guy really going to wire me $20,000,000?

I'll answer honestly (dear god, honesty on fark?). Armchair CFAs take a shot, and then take a shot:

1) Current CFA wants me to avoid 401Ks since I'm senior dev IT and get flopped around often, and pay taxes up front. Gave me a book by Patrick Kelly. I don't know US finance math all that well, and my dad was military intelligence. Intuition tells me that there are two oxymorons in the previous sentence.
2) Recession/depression is pretty much over, so more base costs are covered here on expenses since I travel a lot in good times. Maybe 5k I would have spent that I can put on expense reports. Party like it's 2007.
3) Pay the smallest debts off first, sounds good enough to declare it common sense
4) 3 months of basics in M1, everything else goes to growth
5) I do play with withholdings. The best tax return/payment is a near-zero tax return. Not like those bastards pay interest.
6) The day I retire is the day I die, and I'll take you all with me. I do imagine reducing responsibility late in life, though.
7) I don't trust anyone with a business degree. I don't trust anyone without a business degree managing money. I was born crotchety.
8) Screw it, win or die trying
9) It would be nice to have my own expenses paid for, but like I care for anything past that... no spouse or kids.
10) Why does that one fingernail grow all uneven? It's shaped normally, but I feel like I have to trim one side of it twice as often as the rest of them to make it look normal. Crazy uppity nailbed

Who do I have to blow to get another drink in this place?

Will there be sex in the champagne room?

These questions are relevant to me fiscally.

HelloMyNameIs: I'll answer honestly (dear god, honesty on fark?). Armchair CFAs take a shot, and then take a shot:

1) Current CFA wants me to avoid 401Ks since I'm senior dev IT and get flopped around often, and pay taxes up front. Gave me a book by Patrick Kelly. I don't know US finance math all that well, and my dad was military intelligence. Intuition tells me that there are two oxymorons in the previous sentence.

Not sure what you mean by "get flopped around often", but if your employer has any sort of matching and the vesting period is short enough, it's almost criminal to not take advantage of it. Where else are you going to get an immediate 50%/100% return? If they don't match and/or the vesting period is longer than you think you're going to work there, then I guess it comes down to your individual situation.

3) Pay the smallest debts off first, sounds good enough to declare it common sense

I've heard this from a few folks and don't get it - is it a psychological thing? I'd want to pay off whatever had the highest interest rate first.

FTFA: "As Liz Davidson notes, "Over a period of ten years, a $500 additional retirement plan contribution ($41.67 per month) would result in $7,243 added retirement savings based on eight percent hypothetical average annual returns."

Eight percent average return? Is this chick supposed to be a comedian or a magician?

Obviously they blew all their money on bigger fonts.

SingletonFactory: HelloMyNameIs: I'll answer honestly (dear god, honesty on fark?). Armchair CFAs take a shot, and then take a shot:

1) Current CFA wants me to avoid 401Ks since I'm senior dev IT and get flopped around often, and pay taxes up front. Gave me a book by Patrick Kelly. I don't know US finance math all that well, and my dad was military intelligence. Intuition tells me that there are two oxymorons in the previous sentence.

Not sure what you mean by "get flopped around often", but if your employer has any sort of matching and the vesting period is short enough, it's almost criminal to not take advantage of it. Where else are you going to get an immediate 50%/100% return? If they don't match and/or the vesting period is longer than you think you're going to work there, then I guess it comes down to your individual situation.

3) Pay the smallest debts off first, sounds good enough to declare it common sense

I've heard this from a few folks and don't get it - is it a psychological thing? I'd want to pay off whatever had the highest interest rate first.

Thanks for the response.

It made sense for #1 since a lot of contracts were for 3-6 mos at a time, and the headache of switching was larger. After all, my thought was, if some nerd who knew nothing of NFL & fantasy football could dominate year after year, could it transfer? 1st person response is, yes, I have found my lottery. I still don't know who most of the football players are since they are no more than meat and potential on the field. I put the same thought into stocks and it seems to have worked just as well.

But the truth is, I'm just smart enough for a company not to keep me around long enough. I've looked at the books of friends who do consulting under their own name & company, and I'm just as bad off as I am if I held my own corporate license. But I'm still as good off as if I played my own game in the private market.

#3 is more psychological than practical. Yes, paying off higher interest debts is the most obvious solution, but paying off one account makes waking up in the morning and continuance of life that much easier. What seems practical in hardcore math & science, or pseudo-math/science terms like finance isn't necessarily reality.

/Finance has to divorce itself from politics to be considered a real form of math, otherwise it's nothing more than the daily weather, and even that is a little more predictable

1) Contributing to the limit
2) I don't let a whole lot of free cash through my hands (see #1). Don't spend much. No cable. Prepaid cell. May replace the 15-year-old car with a 8-year old one this year. Or not.
3) I have no intention of paying off my 4% mortgage or my 4% student loans ahead of schedule. They're even effectively lower than that with tax bennies. I could pay them off today, but even people being moderately pessimistic like John Bogle are still thinking 4% is possible (in low-fee/tax-deferred plans). AA reasonable bet, anyway. If you have any debt over 4-5%, pay em off before trying to save, natch.
4) Very low cost indexes, mostly Vanguard
5) Maxed 401, maxed HSA. Could play with W-2 exemptions, but that's small ball.
6) Seriously on the ball to retire at 48-50. Mix of low expectations and hella savings. Yeah, yeah "I'll work till I die". Uh huh. Okay if you're an entrepreneur (including docs/lawyers). But for 'employee' types? If you're laid off over 55, you have under a 50/50 chance of ever working full-time again. Ageism isn't getting better with the huge applicant pool. I've only got so much patience for mindless meetings left. Plus, neither of my parents made it past 65. I'm going to get some loafing-off and volunteering years, even if it means eating cat food and living in a small town.
7) DIY. Really not doing crazy stuff. And, not that I'm some total genius, but I honestly know at least as much as the Oppenheimer vultures that sucked fees out of my folks year after year.
8) Fairly conservative for my age because I'm planning on quitting much earlier than most.
9) Wills written, but if it's just me or my wife dying everything is joint/TOD, so shouldn't even have to file probate. Why pay lawyers?

Your money is being held by a kid named Larry Sellers. He lives in North Hollywood, on Radford, near the In-and-Out Burger. A real farkin' brat, but I'm sure your goons'll be able to get it off him, mean he's only fifteen and he's flunking social studies.

"based on eight percent hypothetical average annual returns"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

FTA: based on eight percent hypothetical average annual returns
I love how financial "experts" are stalwartly sticking to the 8% annual return figure. I laugh (because crying would be embarrassing) every time.

FTA: Look at the rates for money market accounts and CDs at your bank... You want your savings to outpace inflation
Ooh, buy a CD as advice. Ha, CDs get 1% APY on a five-year term. Good luck with that.

I've maxed my 401(a) (public employee analogue of the 401(k)).

It will be stolen by lawyers before I can cash out anyway. I will work until I die.

Compact Travel Size: FTA: based on eight percent hypothetical average annual returns
I love how financial "experts" are stalwartly sticking to the 8% annual return figure. I laugh (because crying would be embarrassing) every time.

FTA: Look at the rates for money market accounts and CDs at your bank... You want your savings to outpace inflation
Ooh, buy a CD as advice. Ha, CDs get 1% APY on a five-year term. Good luck with that.

Most realistic advisors would tell you to pay down your debts (or at least get a payment or two ahead) and only keep enough around for a rainy day. More nervous advisors (like my girlfriend's brother-in-law) would tell you to think about emptying the 401(k) or scaling back contributions (depending on age), get some physical precious gold and silver as well as guns/ammo and rations until we can see where the bottom is.

I can't wait to see who's right.

And 1% on a 60 month CD? Makes the 5.75 I got back in college ten years ago look like I was coining in money.