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(The Smoking Gun) Amusing Florida stripper restores faith in humanity on Christmas Eve   (thesmokinggun.com) divider line 102
More: Amusing, Christmas Eve, miracles, Panama City, faiths  
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32706 clicks; posted to Main » on 28 Dec 2011 at 4:32 PM   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»   |    Get this fabulous T-Shirt and impress the methane out of your friends! shirt it!



102 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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brap [TotalFark]
2011-12-28 01:02:39 PM
One Christmas I came home with a surpise for the wife. Originally she was thrilled with the extra foot the doctor had so masterfully stapled onto what was formerly my pathetic microphallus. However, we both recoiled in horror as she revealed to me the fact that she had sold her vagina to buy my present, flavored ear-lube.

While she so thoughtfully had sacrificed to accomodate my shortcomings, I had selfishly overlooked her needs. She also wasn't too thrilled when I told her I sold her vibrator to fund my surgery. We both wept into the eggnog for a few minutes then I said "suppose you put the chops on."

At which point she kicked my new groin clean off.

/Gift of The Peni, a heartwarming brap Fark holiday tradition since 2004.
 
mitchcumstein1 [TotalFark]
2011-12-28 01:14:58 PM
Jesus Christ, that was depressing.
 
Mugato [TotalFark]
2011-12-28 01:18:33 PM
mitchcumstein1: Jesus Christ, that was depressing.

I don't think it's possible for any story about a 27 year old stripper to be anything but depressing.
 
GooberMcFly [TotalFark]
2011-12-28 01:24:12 PM
Miracle on ██████ Ave.
 
mitchcumstein1 [TotalFark]
2011-12-28 01:29:03 PM
Mugato: mitchcumstein1: Jesus Christ, that was depressing.

I don't think it's possible for any story about a 27 year old stripper to be anything but depressing.

Valid.
 
Scott_Free [TotalFark]
2011-12-28 01:37:00 PM

An officer advised Blocker that nobody had filed a complaint about the money, the report notes. With "nothing further" left to investigate, the cop left Blocker with her small Christmas gift.
Herpes? What is that on her lip?
 
I_Am_Weasel [TotalFark]
2011-12-28 02:17:36 PM
And the cost of the cops attending the call...
 
antidisestablishmentarianism [TotalFark]
2011-12-28 02:35:10 PM
Mugato: mitchcumstein1: Jesus Christ, that was depressing.

I don't think it's possible for any story about a 27 year old stripper to be anything but depressing.

She must be lying about her age. She looks more like 37. Looks at those saddle bags under her eyes.
 
JohnnyBravo [TotalFark]
2011-12-28 02:45:00 PM
God bless us, everyone.
 
nrdgrl [TotalFark]
2011-12-28 02:47:47 PM
brap:

/Gift of The Peni, a heartwarming brap Fark holiday tradition since 2004.

1.bp.blogspot.com
 
sparkeyjames
2011-12-28 03:16:14 PM
What a light weight. The strippers around here would have stolen his wallet
while he was passed out then had the bouncer throw him out on the street.
 
muck4doo
2011-12-28 03:31:38 PM
I hope she didn't kiss the guy.
 
The_Great_Hambino
2011-12-28 04:37:27 PM
antidisestablishmentarianism: Mugato: mitchcumstein1: Jesus Christ, that was depressing.

I don't think it's possible for any story about a 27 year old stripper to be anything but depressing.

She must be lying about her age. She looks more like 37. Looks at those saddle bags under her eyes.


Yeah, but that's 37 in human years. We're talking about stripper years. She looks pretty good for 27, which is about 63 in human years.
 
TravisBickle62
2011-12-28 04:37:45 PM
Damn I hate it when the strippers call the cops
 
Stray Slacker
2011-12-28 04:38:01 PM
muck4doo: I hope she didn't kiss the guy.

'Scuse me?
 
justanotherfarkinfarker
2011-12-28 04:38:22 PM
Wow they usually rob you blind via your penis. Which is legal. As it should be.
 
brownbread
2011-12-28 04:38:34 PM
I'm pleased that she's dog-ugly. I hate seeing beautiful strippers, it breaks my little heart.

If you need me I'll be in the shallow end.
 
Random Anonymous Blackmail
2011-12-28 04:38:43 PM
A stripper with morals... I know she is just putting herself through college.
 
Pair-o-Dice
2011-12-28 04:39:32 PM
Stick your tongue to the stripper pole. I triple-dog dare ya.
 
medius [TotalFark]
2011-12-28 04:40:04 PM
sparkeyjames: What a light weight. The strippers around here would have stolen his wallet
while he was passed out then had the bouncer throw him out on the street.

she got depressed and weepy and irrationaler coming off a cocaine binge and made a bad decision calling the cops instead of calling her dealer for more snow
 
Don't Troll Me Bro! [TotalFark]
2011-12-28 04:40:22 PM
That's some nice mouth-herpes ya got there.
 
Rufus Lee King
2011-12-28 04:40:28 PM
God damn us, every one.

i.cdn.turner.com
 
rockradio1
2011-12-28 04:41:25 PM
Ho-Ho-HO
 
WellBelowAverage
2011-12-28 04:41:29 PM
antidisestablishmentarianism:

She must be lying about her age. She looks more like 37. Looks at those saddle bags under her eyes.

It's the meth.....
 
wambu
2011-12-28 04:42:09 PM
1. Stripper dances
2. Customer watches
3. Customer promises $40 tip
4. Customer passes out
5. Customer wakes up and walks out
6. Customer leaves $40 on the counter
7. Stripper not sure if that's the $40 tip
8. Slow news day

Did I get that correct?
 
medius [TotalFark]
2011-12-28 04:43:09 PM
I once knew a "stripper" named Eve Christmas. She came more than once a year but I think she was faking it.
 
buttery_shame_cave
2011-12-28 04:43:22 PM
this story really tugged at my g-string...
 
TenJed_77 [TotalFark]
2011-12-28 04:45:26 PM
New Year's Eve in the early 90's, I buy a drink in bar where the owner was kind of a moe sizlack. The type the hardly ever smiled or offered a free drink in small town illinois. Gives me back to much money, change for a $100 not for a $20, I told him about it, don't know why cause I always thought he was kind of an ass. Tells me he doesn't really know, whether I gave him one or the other. I was flat farking broke, that $20 was all I had.
/sometimes small shiat can make your day
//I know csb and all that crap
 
DubyaHater
2011-12-28 04:45:54 PM
antidisestablishmentarianism: Mugato: mitchcumstein1: Jesus Christ, that was depressing.

I don't think it's possible for any story about a 27 year old stripper to be anything but depressing.

She must be lying about her age. She looks more like 37. Looks at those saddle bags under her eyes.

Imagine staying up all hours of the night dancing in a noisy, smoked-filled titty bar, lying to it's patrons that you are "just paying your way through college" and pretending to be sexually attracted to drunken, overweight perverts. Then imagine doing that five nights a week.
I think that kind of life might age you a bit quickly.
 
MagSeven
2011-12-28 04:46:22 PM
I like her style. She's got a real tw*t of gold.
 
TravisBickle62
2011-12-28 04:47:52 PM
I had a girlfriend who put herself through college and graduate school working as a stripper.

Today she is in charge of the U.S. nuclear arsenal, and considered the greatest mind since Einstein. She is so brilliant that a SEAL team follows her around, making sure she is safe ... the security of the U.S. depends on the power of her mind.

So before you ejaculate on that stripper's ass, think about it. That may be the closest you ever come to greatness.
 
MayContainHorseGluten [TotalFark]
2011-12-28 04:48:45 PM
I think I got a little something in her.. er.. ..my eye.
 
medius [TotalFark]
2011-12-28 04:53:42 PM
MayContainHorseGluten: I think I got a little something in her.. er.. ..my eye.

glitter?
 
Devo
2011-12-28 04:54:37 PM
This isn't heartwarming. This is someone who recently had their meds changed.
 
Abe Vigoda's Ghost
2011-12-28 04:56:06 PM
A crying stripper. Just the way I like em.
 
GratuityIncluded
2011-12-28 04:58:21 PM
story was funny in a droll way

/missed by the farkers that only find poop funny
//not submitter
 
ecl
2011-12-28 04:59:07 PM
TravisBickle62: I had a girlfriend who put herself through college and graduate school working as a stripper.

Today she is in charge of the U.S. nuclear arsenal, and considered the greatest mind since Einstein. She is so brilliant that a SEAL team follows her around, making sure she is safe ... the security of the U.S. depends on the power of her mind.

So before you ejaculate on that stripper's ass, think about it. That may be the closest you ever come to greatness.

I once dated a stripper who put me and my sister both through college by dancing.

Today, she spends her time cruising to different worlds on her starship. She's the Queen of the Milky Way. Her tw*t is followed around by intergalactic space ninjas.

So before you ejaculate in your pants, think about it. The post I'm mocking is retarded.
 
That coward David Lopan
2011-12-28 04:59:24 PM
Stupid skank-woman uses phone and successfully dials another party. More at 11.
 
DirkTheDaring
2011-12-28 05:01:50 PM
They have since married, and live in a double-wide in Pinellas Pines, with their children Hunter, Madison, Whitley, Scooter, Laraine, Travis, Econolodge, Bacon, Lamont, Hooper, Sominex, Misty, Bobo, Kelvin, Scooter 2, Fabian, Mahogany, Lewis..... (cont)
 
23FPB23
2011-12-28 05:01:51 PM
A friend and I once ventured into a particularly seedy strip joint in Louisville, on a week night. (ye old shiatty Thorobred #7 or whatever on Poplar Level road, for those familiar) We get drinks, the place (as usual) is empty. We approach the stage. Through the haze we see the stripper is weeping, and not really trying to hide it. She's dancing to some sappy Ozzy (Goodbye to Romance or some such). As we stare a little longer, we realize she has, starting at the elbow, a prosthetic arm. Didn't hang around much after that.
 
busy chillin'
2011-12-28 05:02:06 PM
gimme an H

gimme an E

gimme all the other letters quickly to finish the joke.

what's that spell?

HERPES
 
lokisbong
2011-12-28 05:02:24 PM
DECEMBER 28--The holiday season's most heartwarming story involves a topless dancer, a drunk customer, and $40 left atop a Florida bar counter." The Smoking Gun doesn't seem to get out much. I figured the holiday season's most heartwarming story would be the Santa saving the dad of his dead son's best friend.
 
trappedspirit
2011-12-28 05:03:45 PM
mitchcumstein1: Mugato: mitchcumstein1: Jesus Christ, that was depressing.

I don't think it's possible for any story about a 27 year old stripper to be anything but depressing.

Valid.

Those tears ain't gonna cry themselves!
 
fusillade762
2011-12-28 05:05:44 PM
Through tears, the 27-year-old woman explained

It's always better when the stripper is crying.
 
TeddyRooseveltsMustache
2011-12-28 05:08:16 PM
The whole story makes the reader realize why she became a stripper in the first place.
 
airsupport
2011-12-28 05:11:17 PM
She must have been riding the North Pole.
 
MoronLessOff
2011-12-28 05:14:19 PM
23FPB23: A friend and I once ventured into a particularly seedy strip joint in Louisville, on a week night. (ye old shiatty Thorobred #7 or whatever on Poplar Level road, for those familiar) We get drinks, the place (as usual) is empty. We approach the stage. Through the haze we see the stripper is weeping, and not really trying to hide it. She's dancing to some sappy Ozzy (Goodbye to Romance or some such). As we stare a little longer, we realize she has, starting at the elbow, a prosthetic arm. Didn't hang around much after that.

Why not? Sounds like a good time waiting to happen.
 
Karma Curmudgeon
2011-12-28 05:15:27 PM
Rufus Lee King: God damn us, every one.

[i.cdn.turner.com image 640x467]

Don't be a pussy, that place looks legit.
 
Lt. Cheese Weasel
2011-12-28 05:15:35 PM
I once dated a stripper. She stole my Bruce Springsteen 'Darkness on the Edge of Town' roadie jacket. But she looked good in it on stage and I was drunk and wanted her and a friend in a threesome so we drank champagne cocktails until two am. When I woke up, I was in a bathtub full of ice, minus one kidney and a little note that said my jacket was in the closet and my kidney was on it's way to mexico. I caught up with them both 6 years later. They were broke, starving and cold, so I shot them and buried them in the back yard. The moral of this story is simple: There's no sex in the champagne room.
 
Bag of Hammers
2011-12-28 05:20:36 PM
Don't Troll Me Bro!: That's some nice mouth-herpes ya got there.

This

From the Comments:

what a heartwarming story, that tugs at one's heartstrings...I looked at the photo and couldn't see past the coldsore.
 
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