Doesn't the submitter mean "Six villains whose ineptitude saved the day"? But isn't that always the way with Hollywood villains? Instead of just vaporizing the hero, the arch villain takes the time to deliver a soliliquoy to his evilness and how painfully the world is going to suffer, giving hero boy time to figure out how to undo him?

This (new window) will eventually be referenced here so let's just get it out of the way.

MAYORBOB: Doesn't the submitter mean "Six villains whose ineptitude saved the day"? But isn't that always the way with Hollywood villains? Instead of just vaporizing the hero, the arch villain takes the time to deliver a soliliquoy to his evilness and how painfully the world is going to suffer, giving hero boy time to figure out how to undo him?

Don't forget the Unneccesarily Slow Dipping Mechanism.

/"No no no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?"
//"I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, I'll blow their brains out!"
///"Scott, you just don't get it, do you? You don't."

Moral of the story: If you hire Ronny Cox to be your villain, he will inadvertently save everyone instead.

Should have been Darth Vader, not the Emperor.

MAYORBOB: Doesn't the submitter mean "Six villains whose ineptitude saved the day"? But isn't that always the way with Hollywood villains? Instead of just vaporizing the hero, the arch villain takes the time to deliver a soliliquoy to his evilness and how painfully the world is going to suffer, giving hero boy time to figure out how to undo him?

Ah yup.

Robocop, OK. Whatever; it's a campy film. Stupid to judge it for using a cliche, really.

Regarding the shield generator, I was under the impression (thanks to the very nifty visuals IMO that left very little for interpretation) that the Death Star was in lunarsynchronous orbit, meaning the generator was right under the Death Star. Which farking makes sense; where the hell else would it be?? So as long as the Rebels were allowed to know there was a shield generator at all, it's pretty farking stupid to think they could've been misdirected to another site -- especially on another moon. As for the Ewoks, as much as I disagree with the film's execution, that was something the Emperor had not foreseen. Even if the Emperor knew of them he didn't think of them as a threat, which is supposedly arrogance (although in reality it'd be just common sense). As the story's told, the reason why his plan failed was partly thanks to a cuddly (ugh), Stone Age indigenous force that evened the numbers. Without them it was a platoon of Rebels against an entrenched legion.

As for LotR, Sauron used Gollum to search for the Ring. Not a bad plan, really; he had little information to offer as a prisoner. His insatiable yearning for the Ring was more useful to Sauron. Again, it's pretty ridiculous hindsight to expect a sniveling, insane imp would pose any sort of threat against a force that casts a shadow over half of Middle-Earth. Yeesh.

At that point my brain started to hurt so I had to stop.

As far as Cracked articles go, this was one.

Sybarite
Sauron hoped that his spies would thus be led to the Ring.

This and I'm pretty sure it's also spelled out somewhere that the whole toss-the-ring-into-the-fire plan is based upon Sauron not being able to imagine that someone could resist the ring's temptation and would want to destroy it instead of using it against Sauron.
And Sauron was still sort of right.
Gollum's main part in destroying the ring wasn't his allegedly dangerous knowledge of some guarded(!) passages into Mordor - Gandalf and the folks from Gondor seemed to have known about those, too - it was to destroy the ring by accident when Frodo finally succumbed to it like everyone else.

dragonchild: Robocop, OK. Whatever; it's a campy film. Stupid to judge it for using a cliche, really.

Actually, I took Dick Jones' confession to be a character flaw: he's still pissy about being one-upped in front of his boss by some wonder boy. Wonder Boy is easily dispatched, but Jones didn't have the ability to mock him in person before he was executed. Therefore, when he has to deal with Robocop directly, he takes time to mock him. Is it smart? Not at all. But Dick Jones is one of those rich types who has to justify his wealth as something that he deserves, and putting the screws to some cyborg that just farked up his plans is something that he feels he needs to do. But admitting to a murder is not a movie flaw, it's a character flaw. Keep in mind that Dick Jones likes to build shiatty equipment like the ED-209 just to get contracts and money and fark it after it leaves his sight. It's just the way his sad mind works. Keep in mind his death comes about from being incredibly short-sighted enough to only have Directive 4 shut down Robocop instead of detonate him, or erase his memory.

Dick Jones is a symbol of corporate America's executives: short-sighted to such an extent that it destroys their entire lives.

"Nice Job Fixing It, Villain": TVTropes (new window)

Did they mention Superman 2 or Back to The Future? Cant read Cracked at work.

Mugato: Who writes this shiat?

Oh, Cracked.

They continue to misunderstand LOTR, since they had one before that explained that Sauron wasn't a bad guy.

Cubicle Jockey: "Nice Job Fixing It, Villain": TVTropes (new window)

Did they mention Superman 2 or Back to The Future? Cant read Cracked at work.

#6 Dick Jones "RoboCop" After biatching out Eric Forman's dad for confessing to a walking camcorder he confesses too

#5 Emp Palpatine "Return of the Jedi" Palpatine sets a trap for the rebels but never springs it

#4 Sauron "Lord of the Rings" Let's Gollum go

I will enter the rest in a second post so you can still have the true Crack'd experience

Cubicle Jockey: "Nice Job Fixing It, Villain": TVTropes (new window)

Did they mention Superman 2 or Back to The Future? Cant read Cracked at work.

#3 Cohagen "Total Recall" Does not heavily sedate Quaid before erasing his mind

#2 "Running Man" Put Maria Conchita Banana on the show rather than just kill her (she discovers the unedited footage of Ahnold's "crimes")

#1 Belloq "Raiders of the Lost Ark" DNRTFM It's right there in the farking bible NEVER LOOK INTO THE ARK

The thing the author missed about Dick Jones is that mere hours before telling Robocop that he killed Bob Morton,he scolds Clarence Boddicker for spilling the beans to Robocop because in his own words, "his memory is admissible in a court of law." He did the exact thing he got pissed off about only a few hours ago. It'd be like you scolding your dad for opening a spam email and then hours later wiring all your money to the Honorable Jefferson Arthur Smith of the Nigerian Revenue Service.

The interesting trivia that author left out is he put the same actor on the list twice. Ronny Cox was Jones and Cohaagen.

Sybarite: On the Gollum issue:

Sauron released [Gollum] and sent him forth. He did not trust Gollum, for he divined something indomitable in him, which could not be overcome ... except by destroying him. But Sauron perceived the depth of Gollum's malice towards those that had "robbed" him, and guessing that he would go in search of them. Sauron hoped that his spies would thus be led to the Ring.

Sauron had never paid heed to the "Halflings," even if he had heard of them, and he did not yet know where their land lay. From Gollum, even under pain, he could not get any clear account, both because Gollum indeed had no certain knowledge himself, and because what be knew he falsified. Ultimately indomitable he was, except by death, as Sauron did not fully comprehend, being himself consumed by lust for the ring. ... [Gollum] dared to pretend that he believed that the land the Halflings was near to the places where he had once dwelt beside the banks of the Gladden.


- Unfinished Tales "The Hunt For the Ring"

Exactly, point being, all sauron needed was the ring to be flushed out. Anyone who tried to wield it would become his slave... and if they brought it to his home ground all the better. No screw up there except to not conceive of anyone wanting to destroy the ring.

Cubicle Jockey: "Nice Job Fixing It, Villain": TVTropes (new window)

Did they mention Superman 2 or Back to The Future? Cant read Cracked at work.

Came here to post this myself. Dear FSM I LOVE TVTropes.


Emperor Palpatine Sucks at Setting Traps

You know who else sucks at setting traps? Skynet.

From Terminator Salvation's TVTropes page:

"Villain Ball: SkyNet successfully lures a completely unsuspecting John Connor into a well-planned trap of its own design, and instead of greeting him with a bomb, nerve gas, or even an army of robots, it sends one terminator to kill him (and doesn't even bother to give it a gun!). SkyNet also doesn't send the T-800 any backup even after it becomes obvious the plan isn't going quite as intended. The Terminator does terribly, batting John around like a kitty with a ball of yarn rather than snapping his neck. You'd think SkyNet would take absolutely no chances given the amount of effort it spends on killing Connor later on (multiple time travel attempts, etc.)"

IlGreven: Moral of the story: If you hire Ronny Cox to be your villain, he will inadvertently save everyone instead.

Exactly.

I'm glad he explained the bible quote about the ark. I always thought it was way too convenient that Indy knew to look away before anything happened. That should have been a line in the movie.

CowboyNinjaD: [www.popcrunch.com image 500x350]

Not sure if he counts. Everything happened just like he wanted it to. He didn't really save anyone he just farks over Gabriel because "another hell is one hell too many"

One Bad Apple: CowboyNinjaD: [www.popcrunch.com image 500x350]

Not sure if he counts. Everything happened just like he wanted it to. He didn't really save anyone he just farks over Gabriel because "another hell is one hell too many"


I'd argue that things turned out better for Earth than if Gabriel would have got his way. And the fact that things worked out the way Lucifer wanted is sort of the point. TFA is basically just a list of villains utterly failing. I was actually expecting examples like Ozzy in Watchmen.

And while Superman 2 has been mentioned, there are actually a lot of instances in the comics and the DCAU where Lex Luthor legitimately saved the day, sometimes to fark over other villains, sometimes to make Superman look like an asshole and sometimes for some reason that won't become apparent for two years, because Lex has a 12th level intellect and that's how he rolls.

Better than the incompetent villain who screws the pooch and gives the hero a break is the secret hero villain who usurps the story from the purported hero (intentionally or not) so that you realize the hero really only served as a distraction for the audience or at best a catalyst for the villain becoming much more awesome than them. I'm talking characters such as Darth Vader, Spike, Project 2501, Snape, Frankenstein's monster, Prince Zuko, Piccolo, and varyingly Magneto, Black Adam, Doctor Doom and The Master.

CowboyNinjaD: [www.popcrunch.com image 500x350]

Yes, him too.

I've been watching all the Bond films, in order, for the past week or two, and I have one thing to say:

The Austin Powers movies are right: Nobody just KILLS James Bond, although they have many, many chances to do so. Even if they knock him out or capture him, they'll put him in some over-complicated deathtrap and then tell him the whole plan before leaving him in the incapable hands of henchmen.

Over the past few weeks I've watched villains tie him up and throw him to sharks four times (and he always escapes), trap him in remote-controlled vehicles a couple times (and he always figures out how to get control back), face him in a one-on-one battle of skills (and he's James Bond, and always wins when you give him a fair chance), tie him to torture/death tables and walk away a few times, and so on.

You know why Bond movies suck now? Because the villains aren't melodramatic fops like they used to be. Nobody wants to watch a dirty terrorist or ruthless industrialist who won't monologue about his plans, or put Bond in a trap, or otherwise act like a villain. No, Bond stopped fighting VILLAINS and now he deals with boring, gritty, realistic criminals.

HO Hum. Give me a villain who will monologue. Dammit, Loki had better monologue when he's in The Avengers and Thor 2.

Nihilist's Guide to Reticent Entropy: You know why Bond movies suck now? Because the villains aren't melodramatic fops like they used to be. Nobody wants to watch a dirty terrorist or ruthless industrialist who won't monologue about his plans, or put Bond in a trap, or otherwise act like a villain. No, Bond stopped fighting VILLAINS and now he deals with boring, gritty, realistic criminals.

HO Hum. Give me a villain who will monologue. Dammit, Loki had better monologue when he's in The Avengers and Thor 2.

The ball-busting torture scene in Casino Royale was essentially the Goldfinger laser scene done with more brutal "realism" but the villain still monologues.

Nem Wan: Nihilist's Guide to Reticent Entropy: You know why Bond movies suck now? Because the villains aren't melodramatic fops like they used to be. Nobody wants to watch a dirty terrorist or ruthless industrialist who won't monologue about his plans, or put Bond in a trap, or otherwise act like a villain. No, Bond stopped fighting VILLAINS and now he deals with boring, gritty, realistic criminals.

HO Hum. Give me a villain who will monologue. Dammit, Loki had better monologue when he's in The Avengers and Thor 2.

The ball-busting torture scene in Casino Royale was essentially the Goldfinger laser scene done with more brutal "realism" but the villain still monologues.

I assume you mean the most recent Casino Royale, with the Batman version of James Bond, and not the original 1950s version with the American James Bond, or the comedic version with multiple silly Bonds.

Mugato: Who writes greenlights this shiat every single time?

Oh, Cracked Fark.

CowboyNinjaD: [www.popcrunch.com image 500x350]

Not quite: Lucifer knows damn well he's helping the good guys, because it directly benefits him to thwart Gabriel - if Gabriel wins, Heaven becomes an "unlivable" place for human souls, not unlike Hell, which makes Lucifer redundant:

Lucifer: Other angels have made this war because they hate you, you and all humans. God has put you in his grace and pushed them aside. They're desperate. They've never been able to conquer the other loyal angels, and so this war has remained in stalemate for thousands of years. And while this state of affairs endures, no soul can meet its God. Your parents, and their parents, and so on from the beginning, lie still in wormy earth. Of course, some of them do come to me eventually, for while Heaven may be closed I am always open, even on Christmas.

Gabriel has a plan. Humans-- and how I love you talking monkeys for this--know more about war and treachery of the spirit than any angel. Gabriel is well aware of this...and has found a way to steal the blackest soul on Earth to fight for him. If he wins, Heaven opens. I know that this new Heaven will just be another Hell.

You see, I'm not here to help you little biatch because I love you or because I care for you, but because two Hells is one Hell too many, and I can't have that.

So opening Heaven to human souls is no skin off Lucifer's nose, because he'll always get some of them anyway.

SaltyDonnie: eventually


I understand, and I think Lucifer in the Prophecy is a much better example of a villain saving the day - purposefully doing the right thing, albeit for the wrong reason - than crack's list of villains who royally farked up and made classic stupid villain trope mistakes.

Another example that would be better than crack's list is Spike in the second season of Buffy. Angel has this big plan to suck the world into a hell dimension and Spike helps Buffy stop him. His reasoning is that all vampires like to talk a big game about destroying the world, but for the most part, they like having a world full of humans to feed on. When some nut like Angel comes along who actually plans to do it, he has to be stopped.

The Crowley character in both Good Omens and the TV show Supernatural has similar motivations. He likes living on Earth and helps the good guys avert Armageddon. And again, neither version is necessarily doing it for the sake of doing the right thing. Their motives are entirely self-serving.

Nihilist's Guide to Reticent Entropy: HO Hum. Give me a villain who will monologue. Dammit, Loki had better monologue when he's in The Avengers and Thor 2.

We should get a fair amount of dialogue out of him, based on the first Thor movie.. on the other hand, how much of it will be true, and will we be able to tell? Ah, a skilled liar..

Fano: They continue to misunderstand LOTR, since they had one before that explained that Sauron wasn't a bad guy.

Nah, they're following the "sports shock jock" formula. Sportscasters basically hook their audiences with the opposite of insightful commentary. It's an annoyingly simple formula:

1) Pick a topic that's popular and/or controversial
2) Say something stupid about it
3) Have angry callers talk about it

Fark does the same thing what with the daily "Tim Tebow is a good/bad QB" or pretty much any politics thread. It's really a form of trolling, except the goal isn't to destroy discourse so much as make idiots feel smart.

Cracked is just the same thing, except for nerds. Either the writers are acting stupid or are really stupid; it doesn't matter. It's "food for thought". . . for retards.